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Original poster

Why has she changed??

54 replies

EvesMama · 29/04/2006 19:00

dd turned 3 last week, started school nursery(only two partial seesions as yet) and loves it..talking about it all time and tells me to leave..loves it, moving house, but making it fun for her by asking what colours we are goingt o paint room and 'giving' her the dining room as her own playroom..keeping as much stress away from her as possible.
took her to large park today and museum, knew museum would be over her head so rushed round, got her face painted, took her down to river, took football to play..ALL she did was winge and complainSad..she winged to play footbal..we did, she then said we were doing it wrong!, winged she wanted to go to park, then when we went, she winged she wanted to play football, boucy castle near park, so again..didnt want to go in park, but wanted to go on b.castle..large Q, so suggested we go in bigger park, lots of swings until b.castle empty, fine..thenAngrySad..the swings werent high enough, the rocking animals didnt rock enough, we kicked the ball wrong when i suggested playing football again.aaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
gggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

dp picked her up(by this time she had been warned by both of us that if she continued this behaviour we would leave) and she screamed tears that she wanted to stay..by this point im actually wondering where my beautiful, kind, placid daughter has goneSad..dp, being useless at these things carried her out of park passed her to me and went into his own baby modeAngry, helping matters no endAngry

all the way home she was crying she didnt want to leave park and despite telling her a 100 times, wouldnt take in we were leaving because of her bahaviour..sorry this has turned out a bit of a long rantBlush
got home, took her straight into bath, p.j's on(4.30pm), took her down stairs where she then started protesting she wanted cartoons on!
dp said no cartoon stonight because of way she behaved..she must have said 200 times but i want them on and would nottake in, she was not having cartoons becasue of this precise behaviourSad..dp in mood, dd making me pull my hair out..just dont know what to do with her..she has been this way for last 3-4 days and is normally(honestly) such a 'good' patient and kind child..i really dont want to be near her at the minute as she just wont listen as is being horribleSad..i must be going soo wrong somewhere?

OP posts:
7up · 29/04/2006 19:05

ah poor you evesmama!she could be coming down with something thats made her extra whingy or just doing what toddlers do best, winding you up big time. i think would have left the park a lot quicker i think, but thats me personally, i can be a strict old bag. dont worry, its not you, dont beat yourself up. while im typing this ive got my 18month smacking my leg with a remote control, bloody hard aswellGrin5mins ago he was cuddling and kissing me. kids, theyre such hard work and i think until theyre talking properly they lead a v.confusing lifeSmile

Original poster
EvesMama · 29/04/2006 19:09

thanks 7up..i dont 'think' she coming down with anything and im usually pretty quick like that..dp had already 'told' her we were going home, but we sat her down, told her what she was doing was naughty, she said sorry and she would stop..then..carried onSad..i do suffer with pnd but have been able to control it myself for a long time now, but i really dont want her near me at moment and feel terrible for that and because it must be something ive/we've done to make her this way.

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Original poster
EvesMama · 29/04/2006 19:12

she's also started punching and kicking in the last couple of weeksand has to do something 'just once more' before she stops when i tell her.
i really feel like screaming at her when shes like this as no amount of 'firm' words make one bit of differenceSad

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7up · 29/04/2006 19:17

as for the 'i dont want her anywhere near me at the moment', can totally relate to that,when ive had a bad night with little one and elder one is giving me the lip i feel like im constantly saying 'go away and leave me alone, im suffocated by the pair of you'. i feel like a bad parent also, but we arent. your pnd probably adds to your feelings of inadequacy, hopefully that will pass. im glad the summers coming, at least we can get out and get some sunshine on us.

must go to my screaming toddlerSmile

Original poster
EvesMama · 29/04/2006 20:05

now shes asleep i feel guilty..dont really no why, but i do butim dreading tomorrow..cant even be botherd speaking to dp, am going in bath

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sparklemagic · 29/04/2006 20:07

Sympathy evesmama Sad

there's another thread here about the behaviour of three year olds. It really seems to be a time where they discover the power of bad behaviour and aggression, unfortunately...my delightful, bright 3 yr old DS discovered head-butting this week and it is difficult to believe he's the same loving mummy's boy he was!

However as with everything it is a stage. I feel for my DS some times because at 3, he wants what he wants so desperately and does not have the skills he needs to cope when he can't have something instantly, etc.

You certainly did the right thing removing your DD from the park for her behaviour but can I give my view on what happened at home? It sounds like you and DH were carrying on punishing her for her park behaviour by saying she couldn't have cartoons...a bit of TV might well have been valuable quiet, calm sitting down time for her to rediscover her better humour; and I think leaving the park for her behaviour was the punishment and you could have stopped there.

Once home and in PJ's she had the chance of a fresh start and I think she was quite sensible to ask for some TV time!

I think that's one major thing I've learned since my DS has been 3; his behaviour can be quite stunningly bad at times but within 5 minutes he has moved on; and he needs to freedom to move on and not be reminded of earlier misdeeds, otherwise it's just a cycle of anger/bad behaviour/ telling off/ punishment/anger/bad behaviour etc etc.

HTH!

7up · 29/04/2006 20:09

evesmama, you sound really downSad i feel guilty when ive been mean to my eldest whos 11 and the poor boy really does take the brunt of it when the youngest has kept me awake all night. im presuming your dp isnt being supportive of how your feeling at the moment. men find it hard to understand us woman, thats why im a lone parent. i hope the bath relaxes you a little and you destress ready for tomorow, i bet your dd will be back to being an angel. if shes not then come back on here and have a moanGrin

Original poster
EvesMama · 29/04/2006 20:10

i understnand what your saying.
the reason we vetod the cartoons(well dp di and i backed up) is because she was still behaving the same way she was at park, meaning she was not'sorry' and despite explanations, would not 'take in' why she was brought home etc..i do think i can prolong the problem but today, she just didnt 'get' it?!

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edam · 29/04/2006 20:13

What a rotten day. Not surprised you are stressed. But think sparkle has a really good point about not carrying on the argument. Leaving the park was the punishment, end it there and don't carry on - because it just feeds her trantrum and you get into an endless cycle of strife.

Original poster
EvesMama · 29/04/2006 20:13

dp 'doesnt' understnad, can be very helpful but needs a kick up the arse to realise sometimes and because im very good at 'getting on with it', he prob doesnt realise when i do need help half the time. i find it very hard to revert to 'happy mode' when ive had to tell her off incase she thinks its been swept under carpet, but hen i worry im like a terrier with a bone?!..i just feel at such as loss of what to do when shes like this!..as shes generally been a good child, she taken me by storm the last few days and i really dont know how to handle it..when she gets up do i harp on about it agin?..she genuinly sounded sorry when saying sorry tonight, but continued with the awful behaviour?!

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Original poster
EvesMama · 29/04/2006 20:15

hi edam, think it was mainly carried on because shed wound us up sooo much and then carried on on way home instead of calming down and i find it hard to go from telling off to rose tinted glasses, i wish i could

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edam · 29/04/2006 20:19

3yo don't yet have the intellectual or emotional development to understand complex situations though. Keep it simple. 'We left the park because you did x. Now we are going home'. Then end the conversation. Ignore any attempts to reopen the discussion.

They are ruled by their immediate desires - want to play football NOW, as soon as you start playing football she's moved on to something else. Incredibly wearing for you. But she's not necessarily deliberately pushing your buttons.

(I am NOT a saint and do get wound up and shout at ds, who is nearly 3. But I try to remember he's only little and doesn't have the capacity to understand remote effects - like being punished for something that happened more than a few minutes ago.)

edam · 29/04/2006 20:20

I do know what you mean, but by continuing discussion, you kind of feed her continuing the same behaviour. Punish then ignore (unless she starts doing something dangerous).

edam · 29/04/2006 20:20

Also, a very wound-up small child can't calm themselves down unless you give them some breathing space.

Original poster
EvesMama · 29/04/2006 20:27

i did edam, soon as we got home, drew a nice bath for her, left her sit around before washing drying and putting on nice fresh clothes..normally enough to calm her down..she seemed like a different person today?, dp is usually more tolerent as he only sees her weekends other than before bed when he gets in, but he was fuming today(prob didnt know how to handle it, so not really with her but with himself)..it really (at the time) felt appropriate to continue the 'no cartoons' as despite or ingnornace and trying to be calm whle she literally demanded crying we put them on from the offset..she wouldnt let up, we didnt raise our voices, just calmly told her no because she was still being cheeky and bahaving badly..shes just half woke up, wispering for me and cuddles into me before laying back to sleepSadBlush

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sparklemagic · 29/04/2006 20:51

I know exactly what you mean Evesmama, it can be REALLY hard to 'let go' and let things be nice and happy again when they have been so gut wrenchingly annoying!

But I still think at this age the healthy thing to do for you and her, IS to 'sweep it under the carpet' as soon as possible. Keeping your anger burning simply cannot help you or her, and really will escalate things which is only shooting yourself in the foot!

Don't feel guilty - you did your best which is all us parents can do. Let it go, and tomorrow is a different day. Hope you can relax this evening!

I really do recognise how impossible she was today though - even down to you kicking the ball wrong when playing football! Your description of how she was in the park is toe-curlingly familiar!!!!

edam · 29/04/2006 20:53

Aw, bless her! And you. Think turning three is a tough time. For everyone... Just that from the OP it sounded as if 'no cartoons' was because she'd been difficult at the park.

edam · 29/04/2006 20:55

When ds is really trying I remember my HV when he was a baby remarking on how patient I was.

lilstarry1 · 29/04/2006 20:58

I don't have much experience of 3 year olds, but it sounds to be as if she's just trying to determine where her boundaries are.. All children need boundaries, but similarly all children develop and change at a rate of knots, so there will be times when they seem to become completely different children. All you can do is remain consistent in the way you treat her, I'd discuss before hand what you and DP feel is the appropriate punishment in varying circumstances, this will ensure you both feel comfortable at the most challenging of times. Hopefully if you remain calm and placid she will eventually return to her cheerful self. The most obvious but easily forgotten thing is children are extremely perceptive, and if they sense anything is amiss their behaviour will be effected.

Don't feel bad, we all have our bad days/weeks - you can't immediately assume you've done something wrong, she's just trying to work out who she is a little bit better! Keep on doing a good job and be happy that this behaviour is not the norm for you xxx

Original poster
EvesMama · 29/04/2006 21:51

thanks everyone.
was just reading an artical in mag while in bath about children being stressed??and ths type of behaviour is comon?..i dont knowSad..dont know if to pyt her in bed with me now or see her in morning..am really going to have to determine adequate 'punishmnt' like youve said otherwise ill never let it lie..so many boundries and arguments to fight throughSad

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sparklemagic · 29/04/2006 22:00

have a good night's sleep eve and see her in the morning Smile

Don't forget she will have good days and bad days - you just need a couple of good days now so you can remember what a delight she is really.

Original poster
EvesMama · 30/04/2006 17:09

oh, she was awful this morning, woke up in same modd, moody, grumpy and just before we were due to leave to take her to her fave aunties, i came in from loading car to find her in tears...she's been punching dpShock..not in fun, becasue she wanted to come out and see meShockSad..i had more words..she was 'ok' at sil's but slipped into the 'mood' again a few times when we walked to park and kicked a few times when playing??i dont get her?Sad

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7up · 30/04/2006 17:15

hi evesmama, sounds like temper tantrums to me. my eldest ds now 11, had what the nursery called "fearsome fours". he was fine till the age of 4 then all hell broke loose and my was he big as well. i think you'll have to ignore her from the sound of it, make sure shes safe and ride the tantrums out till theyve passedSad

sparklemagic · 30/04/2006 18:33

oh dear Eve, was hoping you'd have a 'sweetness and light' day today!

hope things get better soon...

Original poster
EvesMama · 30/04/2006 19:23

was just about to post today had been a little better but then before bath she started all over agin, sobbed cos i wouldnt literally go into bathroom with her for toilet as i was following once puter turned off..then downstairs she told me she didnt like it when people were ansty to her so shes going to stop being nasty?..grreat..then same old at bed timeSad
i really feel like im not sut out for this..i dont know what to do for best and am sick of feeling so tense i actually got a sharp pain shoot from my head to my neck earlierwhen she was playing up and i looked at her..am so stressed over itSad

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