Why has she changed??

[EvesMama]

dd turned 3 last week, started school nursery(only two partial seesions as yet) and loves it..talking about it all time and tells me to leave..loves it, moving house, but making it fun for her by asking what colours we are goingt o paint room and 'giving' her the dining room as her own playroom..keeping as much stress away from her as possible.
took her to large park today and museum, knew museum would be over her head so rushed round, got her face painted, took her down to river, took football to play..ALL she did was winge and complain..she winged to play footbal..we did, she then said we were doing it wrong!, winged she wanted to go to park, then when we went, she winged she wanted to play football, boucy castle near park, so again..didnt want to go in park, but wanted to go on b.castle..large Q, so suggested we go in bigger park, lots of swings until b.castle empty, fine..then..the swings werent high enough, the rocking animals didnt rock enough, we kicked the ball wrong when i suggested playing football again.aaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
gggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

dp picked her up(by this time she had been warned by both of us that if she continued this behaviour we would leave) and she screamed tears that she wanted to stay..by this point im actually wondering where my beautiful, kind, placid daughter has gone..dp, being useless at these things carried her out of park passed her to me and went into his own baby mode, helping matters no end

all the way home she was crying she didnt want to leave park and despite telling her a 100 times, wouldnt take in we were leaving because of her bahaviour..sorry this has turned out a bit of a long rant
got home, took her straight into bath, p.j's on(4.30pm), took her down stairs where she then started protesting she wanted cartoons on!
dp said no cartoon stonight because of way she behaved..she must have said 200 times but i want them on and would nottake in, she was not having cartoons becasue of this precise behaviour..dp in mood, dd making me pull my hair out..just dont know what to do with her..she has been this way for last 3-4 days and is normally(honestly) such a 'good' patient and kind child..i really dont want to be near her at the minute as she just wont listen as is being horrible..i must be going soo wrong somewhere?

hi again evesmama, just before i put mine to bed, do you think its your pnd? i know you said youve always coped with it on your own but praps now your dd is more demanding its not so manageable?do you feel you could speak to your doc?i know a lot of people dont like taking medication, but if it was suggested perhaps it would help you cope in the short term

it prob is partially me 7up, but i had had literally every a/d available and they have not helped me and last one made me so much worse?, so its not something chemicals can fix, leaving me to fight it out myself.
i know what you mean, like i have 'been' managing, but now its a little harder and its not so easy..will just have to try to adapt.
there was a girl in park today who was a million times worse than dd and even niece was much worse with temper..its just my dd was so placid and kind, not kicking and crying when you kick the ball wrong?

and thanks for trying to help me get sorted

praps try your health visitor for a chat, if shes a nice one! mine is brilliant and when my 1st had the 'fearsome fours' she was v.supportive and basically said it was a stage my ds was going through. thats what the health visitors are there for, up till your dd is 5. im hoping my youngest still snaps out of his tantrums as quick as he does by the time he is 2.5/3 years or il be on here asking for your advice

p.s ive been on loads of ad's over the years for pmt/depression and none of them worked, just made me fat. now im on danol, which stops your hormones altogether. im still unsure whether it works or not, im still very v.aggressive when im really tired and my stress levels are gradually getting worse. think i need a punch bag

my h.v here soesnet even remember my name and last time kept asking me while i was telling her how hard i was finding things.
last app with her i cancelled cos surveyors were coming..she still turned up as hadnt botherd check messages and said she would ring to rearrange..that was 4 months ago
i used to have to CPN come round at last house, tried to get hold of her again, but no look either!

come and knock my garage down with me..big sledge hammers..ready, steady..GO!

whos cpn?have to excuse me if i reply slower in a min, littleun feeding himself a jar and its prob gona be thrown over the carpet!

child psychiatric nurse, came when previous lovely hv realised i needed help..was for me not dd, helping me to realise why she does what she does and how to change the way i do things...
im gunn have to go for bit as need to speak to dp about moving stuff to sort..will be back tho..and thankyou
x

Hi Eve, do you think it is worth approaching your GP? If you have had a CPN before, your GP should easily be able to refer you again. Or even might be worth asking if you can talk to a child psychologist - because they may be able to give you more hints and tips on strategies for coping when her behaviour brings you down.

Your DD really is so normal, and ALL kids of this age have many moments when they are so impossible to deal with, there is no logic to their behaviour it seems, so I think alot of coping is down to simply accepting that sometimes her behaviour will be like this. You can't actually control how she behaves but you can control what consequences she gets AND how you let it affect you, so I hope you can get some strategies to help you get some perspective on it that might help calm the situation. FWIW, I've worked with children and families and if it were me talking to you about this face to face I would be concentrating the strategies on you and DP agreeing consequences and being consistent on them; on your expectations of her behaviour and whether they are creating some stress for you; and on you being able to let things go and move forward quickly in order to avoid a negative feeling developing....

dunno if this helps, I hope so - I just think someone needs to be helping you to help her, sometimes as mums we can't do it all on our own!

sympathies evesmama, cant help but hope you work it out :)

what a horrible day
took her to coast for day, went on rides had sweets, macdonalds for tea..but all day she was edging closer and whenever i said no, she went straight to her dad..he backs me ups most of time, but she still gos to him?
he popped out tonight and came back with a bar of choc for me and dd to share, she saw his peanut m&m's and said no, i want them..dp said no these are mine for later, i got you this...she then started a wobbler saying NO i dont like them!.by the time shed got to top of stairs(on way to bath), she stood there and stamped feet and said "I WANT THAT CHOCOLATE NOW"!..cue screaming tears, i want my daddy..daddy comes undermines me by saying eat it or dont eat it, then when we go down, he gives her peanut m&m's
all the time dd's rubbing her hands together again seeing that she gets what she wants of daddy.
then bedtime, normal routine, just sit down and a screaming pitched MAAAAAAMMY..go's in..i want to sleep in your bed!..me-no we all have our own beds..cue:I WANT MY DADDY!..daddy comes stays with her until she falls asleep(i leave room as spent 2 1/2 years sat in there while she messed around)..i just feel like icant do this no more

Lots of sympathetic love and hugs, it isn't easy and by the sounds of it you really ARE doing a grand job.

Firstly, your DP undermining you is completely not on. You need to be a united front, otherwise she will learn that one can be manipulated. Can I ask (and feel free to ignore me), do you feel guilty about being the primary punisher? What I mean is, chances are - you're the one who always says no/handles discipline. Does this make you feel guilty?

I'd be sitting down with my partner to seriously discuss what you both agree needs to be done. You need to have a clear plan and stick to it at all times.

As a side note, could her behaviour be diet related? You mention McDonalds and chocolate, I'm in no way implying a child shouldn't be allowed such treats, but it might be worth thinking about how her behaviour relates to meals etc. My sister used to become a complete monster because of additives and E-numbers. Blue smarties made her the devil incarnate :)

It is difficult when a child shows preferential treatment to one parent. However at her age, she is perfectly aware of how her behaviour is impacting on you. That 'power' is an important part of a child's development, but for your sake, and hers you need to ensure you remain the one in control..

There are lots of advice books etc, as I said in my previous post - I've yet to reach this stage, but I know a lot of it has to do with their age and not your parenting skills.
Make sure you get plenty of sleep and stay healthy, if you need some help/time away ensure you ask for it. You don't want it to get to the point that you resent her, because that's no fun for either of you

xxx

thanks lilstarry1

yes i agree her behaviour will have been made no better by the sweets and macdonalds

she actually slept all night and in her own bed which is novel of late and didnt wake until 6am which is good for her, so i was rested and less tense this morning.
i mentioned it to her new teachers and they said she was perfect whilst there but its not unusual for them to start behaving this way when beginning school nursery.

ive tried again to speak to her about why we are nice to each other and why its good to be patient and kind, she does take it in and i am prob asking too much for her to remember all the time?!
but one of her teachers told her today that she would ask me in the morning if she had been a good girl and done what mummy asks and is kind...she seemed to take more notice and HAS been better today(but also dp is at work so...??)
she seems more aware that her actions are upsetting me and as shes not normally malicious, this seems to be preventing her behaving worse when i give her one of 'the looks'!..im just going to keep my fingers crossed.
thanks for the ongoing help girlsill let you know how it go's

talk about speaking to soon

Eve, hi - hope you get through bedtime in one piece!

Try to remember that probably 99% of kids are like this at this age. Thinking on it, it's rare that my DS and I have a whole day without him getting angry and 'up the pole' about something or other....some days are just lovely, but I would say most days we have our 'episodes'. It's probably not realistic to go through this age and NOT be like this. I know it doesn't make it easier to deal with, but at least you know most mums feel the same way you do when their kids are this age.....

I totally agree with lilstarry - if you feel you can do nothing else, you SHOULD have a heart to heart with your DP and make a rule that you back eachother up, without fail. It makes life easier for your DD because she has the security of knowing that the rules are the rules...and gives her less scope for continuing any bad behaviour.

A consistent approach from both parents, and consistent consequences for when she's being impossible, really WILL get you through to the other side of this.

x

i lost it today, tried cuddling, explaining then screaming and shouting..she evn came off toilet, stood in front of me..strained and did a poo in her pants and wouldnt tell me???????
i lost it..i sobbed in front of her, she said she hated me and she doesnt care if im not her friend cos she has xxx at school now and shell be her best friend..went to college and told dp what shed been like, then tutor chucked sicky, so i had to come home and do bedtime
i feel like i actually 'left the building' today

Please don't worry and don't let it get you down.Totally agree with someone who said she is pushing the boundaries,just make sure you are the one in charge not her if you know what I mean.Anyway this is surely just typical behaviour from children.My 2 whinge a lot.It's what children do.It can really bug you or not depending on how vulnerable you are or tired etc.I'm afraid to say it but you've got years of this yet if my 2 are anything to go by.

I agree with loganberrys here, eve. Your DD is not unusual in her behaviour, and everyone has nightmare times. It's about finding strategies to deal with her, simple as that; please take this in the helpful way it's offered - you seem to be taking it all very very seriously and being thrown into despair by it, do you think it IS time to get to the GP and get yourself some advice, or even the health visitor if they're any good?

Of course I do understand how difficult and impossible this behaviour feels at times but from your posts I worry that you are simply feeling despairing, and feeling unable to tackle it?

I wish I could do more other than offer my sympathy though, sounds like you need some time out! Do you have anyone who could give you and DP a night out to discuss things??

we dont have any spare cash to go out at moment as moving in few weeks.

yes, i can see that i am prob totally over reacting and yesterday i honestly felt like i couldnt do it any more..i must have done harder things than this?im just so dissapointed in myself for the way im (not) handling it

she raises her voice or says something in a stroppy tone and im on her back straight away instead of keeping calm its winding me up as if shes older and aware of what shes doing?IYKWIM?

spoke briefly to parent outside nursery school this morning and said she changed since starting last week and the mum gave me a knowing look..she said she knows what i mean and she thought shed taken the wrong child home!..seems its not just me then, just need to manage and handle it better!..shes at nursery till 11.25 today, so have popped home to do bit of house work so i can give her more attention this afty.i just wish i could take things less seriously

my 3.5 ds throws a major strop if I park the car in the 'wrong' place. Even if the place he's chosen already has a car in it! He can be quite unbelievably horrible! I think it's about independence, control and quite often pure tiredeness. Is she sleeping any worse lately? The nursery might be making her extra tired so she might need extra down time. If she won't sleep during the day Cbeebies might do the trick. Just a thought.

had good morning, was very patient when picked her up and she was grumpy.took her for nice walk in sunshine to library, but not even half way down lane she threw a huge winge offensive...so after asking her 5 times to calm down, i turned on my heels ad went home..told her to go to her room and calm down/think about what shes done..all she was conserned about whas not getting her new library book..broke down again, when she(and i) calmed down i went to lay on bed, she got on with me, stroked my face and said sorry and we both fell asleep for an hour!
calmer(both of us) when we woke, but that meant she has only just gone and i could so do with a few hours on my own, but now it not long befor bed!

and now shes awake again..gotta go

How you feeling today Eve???

At least the sun was shining!!

we had a wonderful day today
took dd to park after school, then came home and got loads of toys out in garden while i alteernated between packing and playing and tidying..dp saw his arse when he came home tho..wingy about house or something, not even gunn ask..he either wants a happy me and dd or a sparkling house!(btw, nothing wrong with house, dd doesnt have duvet cover oin bed..thats about it..simple solution..go get her other summer quilt out of cupboard..ARSE!)
but overall..lovely..thanks for keeping me above water