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Original poster

Call me a bitch mother but

72 replies

ggglimpopo · 27/04/2006 19:02

I have just told my dd1 that she should pack her bags and either I will get ss to come and get her or she can go live with her father. And she can take dd2 (who bunked school yet again today) that she can go with. And I mean it. I have had enough.

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spacedonkey · 27/04/2006 19:05

You're not a bitch mother: you're a mum at the end of her tether ggg. It really sounds like you're having a nightmare with dd1 at the moment. What's going on with dd2?

Original poster
ggglimpopo · 27/04/2006 19:09

I went to pay for a magazine on Monday and my purse was empty.

She looks like a dogs dinner, enough makeup to stop traffic and laughs sneeringly and does a patronising guffaw when I say that she should wear less, her room is disgusting, she does as she pleases, swears like a trooper and uses my room as her personal dressing room - rifling through our stuff, helping herself and then sneaking back in and replacing or exchanging stuff. If she asks for something it is always in retrospect. She drives me into rant mad mode. I get red haze when she does her "so what" line when I start talking. Total violation of privacy and lack of respect.

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Original poster
ggglimpopo · 27/04/2006 19:09

I'm ranting, aren't I? Blush

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Feistybird · 27/04/2006 19:11

I dread this stage.....

HunKeRMunKeR · 27/04/2006 19:13

GGG, have NO advice, but wanted to say you're not a bitch. Would their dad have them for a bit or is that totally unfeasible?

moondog · 27/04/2006 19:21

Blimey ggg!
Re purse thing,have you pointed out that thisis stealing???
Call the police.That will frighten her into submission.

morningpaper · 27/04/2006 19:23

blimey again mate

swedishmum · 27/04/2006 19:25

How old is she? I wouldn't do it myself - still have major issues with my mother that she used to pretend to phone ss to take me away. Nearly 40 years ago, she's dead now and we never had a good relationship. Still bugs me - but I was only 3 or 4.

Original poster
ggglimpopo · 27/04/2006 19:34

She is 16, going to be 17 in August.

My dh is doing his gallic voice of reason thing now he's home - pointing out that her father has had no contact with them for years now and that ss will really not be interested in a stroppy euro-nicking teenager.

But I AM FUCKED OFF. Seriously. Have had enough of talking and yelling and reasoning and punishing. I love her - but I don't like her at all at the moment.

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starlover · 27/04/2006 19:36

ggg talk to custy... didn't she have probs with her ds? which are now sorted... think it involved lots of being grounded!

katzg · 27/04/2006 19:37

i'm dreading this stage too, can't offer any advice just support

swedishmum · 27/04/2006 19:39

That's different then. Didn't want to sound negative - mine are a bit younger - just bear in mind that things do stick. Very different from sitting on the front door step with a shoe box packed with stuff watching out for car headlights. As an educator I know the line should be "I love you but at the moment I really don't like your behaviour" - separating the two - but in reality I doubt dd2(10) will get to 11 without being strangled by me. Good luck!

JanH · 27/04/2006 19:42

ggg, darling, I didn't like mine at all at this age. They would have nicked my make-up if I had any and my clothes if I had any style, did nick money but had enough savvy not to leave purse empty, and made me almost speechless with fury sometimes.

In between there were truces though and I did like them sometimes, and you do have nice moments with DD1, don't you, and she does help you out with the others even if it's not in the way you'd prefer? She's really quite normal, she's just your first teenager, in the same way she was your first baby, you get to do all your practising on her.

Would she like to come and stay here for a week in the summer? Seriously? I still haven't worked anything out for DSS but maybe they could both come for a holiday?

Original poster
ggglimpopo · 27/04/2006 19:44

Ah, thank you JanH. Itis the sneer that presses my buttons. I want to like her, I do love her, I find myself merely supporting her.

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JanH · 27/04/2006 19:48

Do you know I'm not even sure she means her face to sneer quite as much as it does - it's just the way her features are arranged. DS1 does it too, believe it or not - less now than when he was younger but he still has a face begging to be smacked sometimes (honestly! Does that help at all?)

Tortington · 28/04/2006 08:45

hiya ggg, arn't teenagers a bunch of b*stards? Grin.

i have been exactly where you are - in fact i phoned SS and begged them to come and take mine away Grin Grin they told me to sod off!

only thing i can advise is this - they want you earlier than you want them for anything. they want money alt he time for stuff at this age. so you have the control.

i did take to saying directly to him " i have £5.63 in my purse and i need it for parking tomorrow, i have 3 ciggies, and i WILL break your legs if anything is missing ARE WE CLEAR?" and doing something similar every evening.

once he nicked my last fag. i can honestly say i hated him for a time.

i used to ground him for one month. for being stoned. andything else he was my bitch "make me brew" "go to the shop" tidy the living room!" " clean my car....

now hes lovely. thats becuase he has a girlfriend.

this weekend he wants to go to a party. i and going to buy him a small bottle of voddie and some coke. i am dropping him off at this party and i am picking him up.

this way i know the amt of alchohol he is consuming ( he is also sharing it with his friends) i know where he is all the time. which is much better IMO than him going out getting pissed and falling asleep on the pavement and getting a good kicking from some fella.

for the voddie - he is cleaning my car -inside and out - i bought car cleaning stuff especially! Grin

things willget better xxxx

Original poster
ggglimpopo · 28/04/2006 08:52

Dh dragged me out last night to eat and listen to a band - calmed down and had a lovely evening - and came home to a vitriolic letter on the bed saying that she will never forgive or forget what I said (wanting her to go to ss or her father) and that she would keep a low profile so as "not to antagonise me further" and and and

How old is your son, Custy? Being sexist here and stepmother to dss (17) I have to say that I think boys are easier and more malleable than girls. Dss thinks rebellion is playing Nirvana loud. If only dd thought that that was wild - as opposed to the morning after pill, the sneering, stealing and being obnoxious. Boys seem to explode and then back to calm, dds seem to be a never ending power struggle.

She is grounded, I have stopped all pocket money and her msn and telephone are limited. She will have to gain her privileges back, rather than just lose them, iyswim.

Still feel no better about this all than I did last night.

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Tortington · 28/04/2006 09:00

i think your right - about boys. he is 16.

but i dread my 13 yr old being 16 - i swear i will rip her a new arsehole.

i've already had letter pinned on the wall in my bedroom after an argument - I HATE YOU you never listen to me you dont love me.

shes fairly volatile at the mo - and i am completely sexist. i have double standards. i expect things from her i dont expect from the boys ( academically) i will not allow her the same social freedom. and she will hate me for years. i just hope her twin brother decides he wants to be a good kid - couldnt deal with 2 at once.

many many sympathies. i have been at the edge of dispair - and written some fraught mumsnet posts. i hated having to count my money and cigs, hide things from my own son.

do dish out punishments and keep to them. i found that making a punishment too long gave him no incentive. i did the month grounded thing for weed - that was a given - but for other things i made sure they were short.

xxxxx kids eh?

Tortington · 28/04/2006 09:00

she pinned the letter to me - sorry am in a rush!

Saggarmakersbottomknocker · 28/04/2006 09:19

ggg - Rant away - sympathy Sad My ds is almost 18 now and we had a dreadul couple of years with him - the low point was when he brought the police to our door. I lost it completely with him and dh had to hold us apart. He used to steal from us, could lie for England etc etc. I do agree though that girls are probably worse and I'm dreading dd getting to that age.

I have no real advice except that I was hard on him on the stuff that really mattered - the stealing, swearing etc but let the other stuff go. If she wants to go out looking a state, have a messy room then let her & put a lock on your door.

Mine did improve with the arrival of a girl on the scene.... but for a daughter I can imagine that bringing it's own issues.

Cam · 28/04/2006 09:19

ggg, sorry to hear you're stressed out.

I'm going to say something that I can only say with the benefit of that wonderful thing: hindsight Smile

When my dd1 went through this stage (and first thing to remember it is a stage, she will not be like this for long) I entered into it with her, ie. tried to "understand", tried to change her behaviour, took it personally, thought I must be a useless mother, etc etc.

But what I eventually realised is that none of it made any real difference. Once I began to think of her as an overgrown toddler (not to her face obv!) it all made sense.

Its the last tantrum (albeit somewhat extended) that they have before independence, ie. what they really want you to do is still love them (and show it) despite them being "naughty"

Its just another test for you.

My advice: take a step back (or several) and most importantly of all

lou33 · 28/04/2006 09:28

sorry to hear about this ggg,i've been at that stage with dd1.

shortly after i separated from xh i called him up and told him to come and take her because i wasnt having her anymore.

i also have the same problem with her going in my room and prying into my private stuff, so i found the solution to that was to put a lock on my door and keep the key with me when i am not about

have you thought about doing similar, for a practical solution?

KTeePee · 28/04/2006 09:42

Do either of your girls have a part-time job GGG? Just was thinking if they did, they would have their own money so might not take your stuff, also would be gainfully employed and out of the house for a while. Obviously you wouldn't want them earning so much they might spend it on inappropriate stuff...

quanglewangle · 28/04/2006 10:00

Just a quick positive thought - you can still ground them so you do still have some control.
Unless you manacle them to the bed post this sanction requires their cooperation.
A friends dd suddenly left the rails at 13 and began to stay out all night etc. And after the first time there is no going back, so I decided to avoid this sanction with ds just in case.
I tell him he gets a lot more freedom than I ever thought I would give to a 16 year old and so it was in his interest to keep me sweet and stick to a few rules. We have a good relationship and I assumed he didn't want to jeapodise it. Again in his own interest.
Seems to be working, but I don't think I would be so lax with a girl. He is capable of taking care of himself (as he is always telling me) and to some extent that is true.

Original poster
ggglimpopo · 28/04/2006 11:23

She hasn't come home for lunch......

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