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Original poster

Call me a bitch mother but

72 replies

ggglimpopo · 27/04/2006 19:02

I have just told my dd1 that she should pack her bags and either I will get ss to come and get her or she can go live with her father. And she can take dd2 (who bunked school yet again today) that she can go with. And I mean it. I have had enough.

OP posts:
Mercy · 28/04/2006 11:49

Agree with KTP re the part-time job for your dd. Could you tell her she either gets a part-time job to pay for her own clothes, make-up etc or that you will give her a small allowance each week/month. She has to decide which one it's to be.

If she won't accept your offer then I would tell her I'm putting a lock on the door and no allowance. But if she does, I would take her shopping the end of the month and choose something nice together.

That's the kind of thing my mum did anyway! How old is dd2 btw - is she old enough to be leaving school soon?

Rhubarb · 28/04/2006 11:56

Talk to her.
When I was a teen my mother was forever having a go at me, when she wasn't having a go she didn't have time for me, too wrapped up in her own problems! I'm not saying that you are, but you need to sit her down nice and calmly and just talk to her.
Tell her that you would like to treat her as an adult, with respect, but she also needs to give that respect back.
Arrange a few rules for her, like she has so much money per week, any other money she wants she asks for it - money taken without permission means she has to go without for a week. Get her to agree to these rules. Say that if she keeps them then she will earn your respect and she will become an adult in your eyes.

Is there anything bothering her. Often they'll do something outrageous or something they know will get them into trouble just to get the attention. She might be dying to chat to you, but not know how to go about it. Can you not set some time aside for her every week, just for you and her, to chat or do something together? Make sure you keep to it though. If she keeps to her rules, you have to make sure you keep to yours!

HTH!

Original poster
ggglimpopo · 28/04/2006 12:03

I've tried and tried to talk to her, to be reasonable, tried the suggested tactic - taking her to Zara to chose something and spend some time together. She says nothing or is monosyballic and passive/aggressive or is nice whilst I am in the queue paying and then back to sulk afterwards.

She gets an allowance each month - usually docked at the mo for one reason after another.

My mobile gave up the ghost this morning with her mobile number in it and cannot get hold of dh. She should be home now so either something has happened or this is just more defiance and "wanna fight? crap".

We are off to Paris tomorrow to a big family party. She doesn't want to come and I just hope that she doesn't wreck the entire weekend.

I have a splitting headache....

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 28/04/2006 12:31

She'll just be punishing you.

Work out a deal with her. She starts to respect you and you'll start to respect her. Set down rules for her and ask her what she'd like you to do. Then both agree that you'll stick to those rules - shake hands.

Don't have a go at her when she comes in, she'll be expecting that. Just say, "I'd like a chat at time if that's ok?" smile and be nice, she won't be expecting that!

Rhubarb · 28/04/2006 12:40

And I don't think it's just cause she's a girl. Not really. Your dss isn't there as often as she is so maybe you only see the sweet, Nirvana rocking side? Grin

lou33 · 28/04/2006 13:00

Sad ggg

mine isnt doing a disappearing act, but it doesnt matter what i ask her to do, she is really stroppy about it, and throws in my face every day that it is my fault i made her dad leave

she was pretty much the same before he left though, so i don't put it down to that

she even wrote me a letter once saying she didnt love me anymore and was never going to call me mum again

lou33 · 28/04/2006 13:01

i wonder if this is all typical behaviour of strong willed teenage girls?

i hope she comes back soon ggg

(meant to add this at the end of my last message)

Nightynight · 28/04/2006 13:03

Can only send lots of sympathy ggg, and hope you have a nice weekend.

Writing notes is a reassuringly childish thing to do (dd1 is a big note-writer).
Think Im going to print this thread out and keep the advice on it, for when we hit this stage.

suzywong · 28/04/2006 13:05

oh lou Sad

ggg I remember the last time your dd1 drove you to distraction with the stealing etc, you considered a boarding school for the last two years of her highschool. Is that out of the question this time?

Tortington · 28/04/2006 13:08

lol lou - i had that letter!

maybe you should just stop the allowence - the job idea is a great one.

say your re-thinkin things and if they ( allt he kids) want money they have to do jobs for it. instil a new method for all - then she's punishing herself not you doing it to her.

i dont do sulking - i swear, when me and dh row, we row til we make friends - i just hate it. but ds put the phone down on me the other day and i didn't speak to him until he apoligised. i completely ignored him.

when he did apologise i said thank you and then just very briefly - not a sermon ( i am notorious for sermons) i said " i am a human being and i deserve to be treated with the same respect as every other human being"
he said " i know"

hope shes back soon xxxx

FioFio · 28/04/2006 13:20

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Thomcat · 28/04/2006 13:28

ggg - I have no idea what to say but saw it was from you and couldn't not say something. I haven't been on MN much recently just getting back into it a little bit and wondered if I'd bump into you soon, sorry it was on a thread like this babes.

Ohhhhhhh, teenage girls, jesus, not a part of my life I'd live again. We give our mums such a hard time, well I did, and I'm sure I'll get it back and some from my girls when they get to that age. Hopefully though ggg the hell you are getting from her now is just part of her finding her wings, trying to get to grips with her wild, highly strung, rebellious side and she'll turn out into the most amazing, strong woman at the end of it and the 2 of you can be really good friends again one day.

Wishing you the strength in the meantime babes.

Hope paris is fab, TC xx

Original poster
ggglimpopo · 28/04/2006 13:32

The lovely lovely law student who gives dd2 extra lessons with schoolwork has just resigned cos she thinks that she is wasting her time and my moneySad

She also said that when she came in last night she interrupted a bitchfest about dh and I - dds and dss and they had decided to simply carry on making our lives hell.

My mobile is fucked.

I have not heard from dd1.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARG.

And I have a friend coming over with her dh for an aperitif this evening with two dds the same age as my biggies and they are the nicest, sweetest, non pilltaking, non make up plastered, school attending daughters that you c ould wish for. Just to rub my badmother nose in it.

Selfpity.....

OP posts:
Thomcat · 28/04/2006 13:35

Yeah but will their sweet dds turn out into fab, strong, independent women. I know it's shit mate, but you'll get through it and it'll all have been worth it. You have to tell yourself that.

Original poster
ggglimpopo · 28/04/2006 13:38

Hiya TC. Feel really bad never sent you that coat which is still parcelled up waiting to go, at the bottom of dd4s cupboard....

Lovely to see you back.

OP posts:
Thomcat · 28/04/2006 13:40

Lovely to 'see' you too babes, just wish you weren't having such a rubbish time.

Original poster
ggglimpopo · 28/04/2006 16:37

She is still not home. She should have been home for lunch and she finished school at three.

I expressly forbade her going out today (grounded).

So either she has run away or she is seriously taking the piss again.

Do I.... sit and tap my fingers? Ring the police? Punish when she comes in, again? Do the sweet Rhubarb approach and silently seethe at the defiance. Dd2 is not home either, but she is not too late, as yet.

Christ.

OP posts:
Original poster
ggglimpopo · 28/04/2006 16:38

And we are an hour ahead here, so she is coming up to three hours late....

OP posts:
FioFio · 28/04/2006 16:46

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Original poster
ggglimpopo · 28/04/2006 16:50

She has just come home, sneering and unrepentant. I very calmly told her that as of now she had not a penny of allowance - she had to earn it. That if her behaviour did not improve over the next month she would lose it and that she would respect dh and me and our rules - or suffer the consequences.

OP posts:
Mercy · 28/04/2006 16:50

God, poor you.

Personally I would tell her she's had her last chance and that you are stopping her allowance immediately - no shouting though if poss. She has to find herself a part-time job (or do chores around the house if finding suitable work would be difficult or not fit in with school).

Does she have a mobile? If you are really worried I would phone round her friends parents before you think about contacting the police(I used to hate it when this was done to me!)

Good luck

Original poster
ggglimpopo · 28/04/2006 16:50

Lose her phone, not it, how freudian Wink

OP posts:
Mercy · 28/04/2006 16:51

Ha posts crossed - thank goodnes she's home though

dinosaure · 28/04/2006 17:13

I don't have any useful advice at all, gggl, but I just wanted to add my support. Thinking of you.

studentmum1 · 28/04/2006 17:38

I feel guilty reading this post! i'm 19 and i have a 16 month old daughter. i used to act the same with my mum for years. at the time i didn't care who i was hurting or what i was doing, even if it put me in danger. It was mainly the feeling of no one understanding me and not listening to me. everytime my mum did speak to me she wanted to hear the things that she wanted to hear... not what i had to say!

Now my mum and i have a fantastic relationship, as if we got out our emotions all at once and now we enjoy shopping trips together and girly chats! I moved out last year and i've proved to her i am capable of the things she wanted for me :)

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