should we pay for inlaws to have a holiday?

[chilliconcarne]

my dh wants to pay for his parents to go on holiday as it's their wedding anniversary. they own two houses, both work and go on holiday every year. we do not own our home, have young children and have not had a holiday for years. would you pay out for them to holiday? [we both work and 'our money is our money', he earns more than me]

CCC, you said:

"... he just sees me as being bitter and jelous because me and him never go on holiday...because there is always something else that needs paying for."

So how come then, if something else always needs paying for (know that feeling well) that suddenly there is a "spare" £400 to spend on his (well-off) parents ??

I'd be bloody bitter and jealous too frankly ..... if he reckons £400 can be raised then that should be spent on his immediate family - that is his wife & kids - before anyone else.

You also said that "our money is our money" so surely this expense should be a unanimous decision ?

Think this is very tactless and assumptive of his siblings .... though maybe they don't appreciate your financial situation if he won't tell them ? Spending it to keep the peace, save face, or whatever is ridiculous. If they really couldn't afford to do the original idea without his contribution, then they'll just have to think of something else ... their own silly faults for making assumptions. There are lots of other things you and DH could gift to his parents nowhere near as expensive.

We had a similar-ish situation a couple of years ago when one side of the family "decided" it would be appropriate to celebrate the "big" birthday of one person by spending the day in London (without kids) at a show, followed by a very expensive meal. We just couldn't do it cost-wise, let alone the issue of what to do with the kids. Furthermore I also felt that if we were going to spend that sum of money on ourselves, it wouldn't have been spent on a situation like that. Our refusal caused a lot of snide remarks at the time especially as tickets etc had been booked. Tough shit ......... things are okay with the people concerned now, they simply didn't think at the time. Luckily, DP agreed with me though so at least we had a united front.

Your DH is mad ccc. I'd go bloody mental if DH suggested that in the circumstances you've given.

oh chilli. I am so sorry for you as the owner of a very stubborn dh (though he would never put his family before the girls and me). I think you should remind him that charity begins at home.

DHs brothers keep doing this sort of thing (but on a much smaller scale). They decided the year before last that we would "all" go out for the day so that the ILs could spend a day with all the family- all being without kids. Fine for them as their kids are older than ours, so that caused problems, but then it was "we are all going to put in £x for this and £x for a present..". The eldest one earns probably 4 times our combined salary and the other one has no kids at home now so doesn't have the expenses we have. My stupid DH never says no either. But I would have really put my foot down over £400!

Leaving aside the issue of family, if anybody gave me a present that I could afford to buy for myself, but that they very obviously couldn't afford to buy for themselves, I would feel very, very uncomfortable about it, whatever the present was. If I was your DH's parents I would be embarassed at receiving such a gift and cross with your DH. It sounds as though he just wants to be the 'big man' who can afford to treat his parents to a flashy gift, and whether they want or need it is irrelevant - great present!