INTROVERTS THREAD ...shhhh, we're over here

[NorksAreMessy]

Hello fellow introverts. I hope the last thread exploded due to time since it was started, and not because it was controversial. :o

I started the original thread after reading the wonderful book quiet and realizing that I was not alone.

Lots of people were kind enough to share their thoughts and experiences, and it was a good support for those of us who like being alone; hate parties, especially hen nights; love reading, crafting, walking, painting, creating; enjoy solitude; need some recovery time after being in a crowd; prefer thought to action.

We are not necessarily shy, we can be confident and even outspoken, but we are at our happiest having a bit of a think on our own, thanks all the same

It's a bit odd to have a group of introverts, but I prefer to think of us as a collective. Separate but together.

As Christmas approaches, I thought we might need a thread to help us through it all

It's not rare at all southeast I always have to "pop upstairs" when we come back home from somewhere such as the supermarket or have been out for a meal. I need a quiet room and possibly MN to soothe my soul

Not rare at all, even at home on my own with the kids I need 20 minutes in the kitchen by myself with the Ipod on, just to re-energise a little.

Even when I was working I would go to the toilet every 90 minutes, like clockwork (drinking lots of water helped with the excuse and the comments) just for 5 minutes away from co-workers and the phone. That bloody phone.

I would be the only one eating my lunch outside in the cold. I would need that time alone so much I'd happily brave the cold for an hour in order to get it.

It's also a huge factor in why I refuse a lot of lifts from well meaning people. Even if it's raining. I NEED that space on my own, in my own head.

The sharing transport thing is a huge issue for me. In my old job I used to fly to meetings a lot but generally with colleagues and it filled me with dread: an hour in the airport, plus a flight, a full day of meetings then a flight home with the same person was unbearable, no matter how much I liked that person!

Even worse, company policy was that you had to share a room at conferences! In the end, I paid for my own room so that I didn't have to share, I just couldn't do it. My current boss threatened to make us share recently and I told him in no uncertain terms what I thought of the idea. It's such a huge imposition, especially when you have to share with someone you don't know socially AT ALL. Space, people, we need space. And time!

Oh Seagulls, I would have cried at that.

What did your boss say once you told him what you thought of the idea?

Completely agree Seagulls. I hope as many employers as possible read 'Quiet'!

Yes I now know I'm not completely weird for always valuing work toilets

I also turn down lifts as I like walking on my own. Fortunately DS3, who I'm sometimes offered a lift with, has been having an irrational 3-4 year old reaction to other people's cars so I can blame it in him.

I have just booked our holiday for the summer - middle of nowhere in France with our own pool. We have always shared pools, which can be great but can also be awful so I have used all my recent overtime to treat myself us. Now just have to get through the next 6 months...

I actually bought "Quiet" for my boss for Christmas! The hope is that he will read the chapter on the workplace and realise that our open plan office is just not conducive to productive working from people who need some head space every now and again. I don't expect him to change the office but to understand that occasionally, an afternoon working from home where I am not continually interrupted and dragged into conversations about last night's Big Brother would actually allow me to get more work done than I do in a full day in the office sometimes.

He laughed when I told him I would never share. I think I very dramatically said it was a breach of our human rights, which I accept is a huge exaggeration and it really is a pretty first world problem but honestly, I struggle to share a room even with my closest friends so sharing with colleagues is just my idea of hell. He relented in the end and accepted it just wasn't worth the argument for the cost of a premier inn room

Seagulls your work/travel situation sounded dreadful. I love travelling alone and a long flight or train journey that would be blissful by myself would be excruciating in the circumstances you describe.

I love to set up a sort of 'den' when I travel; music, reading, snacks etc all laid out on the table. It's the same if I bump into anyone when travelling. I know they may mean very well by offering to keep me company, but it is just so uncomfortable and I am more than happy on my own. Earphones are such a fantastic accessory!

Mefisto - I agree completely about the 'den' when travelling! And about well meaning companions.

I drive a few hours to get home to family every few months. People ask if I get bored but not at all: I take a picnic and listen to whatever I want. Bliss.

Hello all. Amicissimma sent me the link to join you here.

I don't know if there is a tick sheet for introverts but I'm fairly sure I am one. Came away on holiday with a friend despite my reservations about sharing a room with a talkative type for a week and have spent past few days regretting it. I am just not supposed to go on holiday with one other person. I feel very mean because I am probably not much fun to be around but I came here desperate for sleep and relaxation only to find her mere presence grates, let alone all the chat and constant need to have music on. Why not just have the sound of the waterfall outside, people chatting? Why this need to soundtrack everything?

Next time I will suck up the single supplement and go alone. It's just too stressful otherwise. I should think she's sick of me and my miserable face.

Am intrigued by this 'Quiet' book you have mentioned.

Kernowgal I just followed the link here too! I feel your holiday pain and have been there too...... your friend's company likely wouldn't grate if only you could escape for a bit and have enough down time to yourself.

I haven't filled in a tick sheet either and I haven't read "Quiet" yet but I suspect I'm introvert. I can be loud, I enjoy parties if with congenial people (rather than the formal small-talky variety) and I love being the centre of attention from time to time but I am happy in my own company and I need a lot of down time to recharge my batteries in peace and quiet. I saw somewhere, perhaps in a review of Quiet, extroverts being defined as people who draw energy from the company of other people while introverts are people who expend energy in the same situations. It makes sense to me.

Seagulls being made to share a hotel room with a colleague sounds terrible and I'm so glad you stuck out for a single! I hope your boss will appreciate his Christmas present .

There was quite a cliquey culture in my last job and it seemed the done thing for staff to go to lunch together every day in their little groups. I believe they thought I was unfriendly for not wanting to join in and that bothered me a bit but by lunchtime I would be desperate to relax and switch off so I nearly always spent it on my own. I would quite have liked a more social lunch every 10 days or so but the unwritten rules seemed to demand lunchtime socialising every day..... or never.

Hi everyone,

This is my first ever post on Mumsnet. I've been lurking for a while, but couldn't resist this thread. I too have read Quiet and suddenly it all made sense! I think excerpts should become required reading in schools and workplaces from this day forward...

I'm in Australia (Melbourne), which is kind of an outdoor-focused country. I envy you all snuggling inside through your wintery Christmases! Ours are full of parties, and beaches and barbecues - fabulous for most people, but a bit overwhelming for the introvert!

For the first time ever this year, I spent a week away (including NYE) with only my two kids, and it was BLISS. I loved it.

Anyway, I'm so happy I found this thread and all the kindred spirits on it!

Welcome ChapterThree, glad you found the thread.

TheNunsofGavarone, I had a very close call with the room sharing thing last week! Running a conference, all rooms booked, everyone happy until my boss decided he wanted my colleague to come along as well. No rooms left at the hotel! I couldn't believe after I'd just said on here that I would never share and I was going to have to share with a colleague I barely know! I was terribly professional about it on the outside but inside was a raging mess. Pleaded with the reservations team to let me know as soon as they had any cancellations but then at around 7.30 the night before the event I had an email from one of the delegates saying they couldn't make it. I was literally jumping for joy! Isn't it silly, but I would have been absolutely miserable if I'd had to share.

Good morning peaceful people and welcome to newcomers.

I completely understand about the sharing lifts/rooms. I need that time alone in the car or room to process what has happened in the previous few hours. I don't even like sharing a room with fellow introvert DD, although she is possibly the most restful person I know. We just need a bit of space.
The thought of sharing with a colleague makes me shudder.

I am self employed :)

The sharing thing was tested to its limit last night as she snored for eight hours solid. I just felt utterly trapped and miserable. I just want to go home now which is a shame as I desperately needed this break but I am now even more tired and miserable. She evn had the audacity to tell me she felt knackered this morning!

I feel like a total party pooper but she makes me feel bad for wanting an early night in front of the tv. I didn't come on holiday to keep her entertained, grrr.

I know that most of the time I make things worse for myself because I overthink the situation and get even mre anxious. A state of constant dread!

Whinge over. Going to go for a swim.

I also wonder if any of you beat yourselves up a bit when extrovert types tell you you're boring and quiet? Or have any of you reached a state of Zen acceptance of your introvertedness and no longer give a toss what they think?

If the latter can you tell me how you did it please?

Kernowgal just wanted to send some sympathy your way. This thread has really helped me feel positive about being an introvert and all that goes with it, so I hope I would respond to any criticism about being quiet with a suitably pithy response. I find a lot of typically extroverted activities very dull indeed, and would now not hesitate to point this out (at least I hope I would)!

I wonder if there is a niche market for an introvert-oriented hotel? No single room supplements, tables laid for one, motel style so no shared lifts, lounges etc, top notch room service, no musak, staff instructed not to make small talk, extensive library full of corners and comfy armchairs. Hmmm...

Thank you - I am being a bit massively unreasonable due to tiredness :)

I like your motel idea. Funnily enough I was just thinking how I could set up something similar, although I was thinking more of a non-hippy retreat type place somewhere on the Med, maybe with little tents or yurts or just nice bedrooms with a comfy armchair and a good reading light, a willing lapcat maybe... Then a large garden with nooks and crannies to hide yourself away in, wine on tap, good views and more comfy furniture...

Sigh...

at retreat ideas/ hideaway places with a willing lap cat, comfy armchairs, wine and plenty of books

I noticed upthread someone (or two) mentioned that they have always slipped away from parties without saying goodbye to everyone. I've always done that - I thought it was a 'me' thing, but maybe it's an introvert thing.

My extroverted XH told me that was quite rude, and I honestly had never considered it like that... I just felt it was a bit attention-seeking to say 'Look at me, everyone, I'm leaving now!' I didn't think they would notice I'd gone, but my XH used to tell me I always hugely underestimated how much people were interested in me and enjoyed my company.

It's interesting the way behaviour can be interpreted a completely different way to what we intended. I guess it goes hand-in-hand with the overall misunderstanding of introversion.

I can relate to so much of this.

I often sit in the kitchen reading mn whilst family are all in the living room. I like time on my own and struggle with my dc always wanting my attention.

I spend lunchtimes on my own whether I leave the office or not. I need time to recharge and hear myself think.

I do not like to bump into anyone on my way to or from work.

I can be sociable but always need time out.

Kernowgal I don't think you are being unreasonable at all to want to relax and enjoy your holiday. Emboldened by littlegrey's concept of a militant introvert, I don't think we should feel the need to apologise simply for behaving in ways that differ from the expectations of our extrovert friends. Extroversion seems to have become the standard, to which we don't conform. But we shouldn't be made to feel bad about it, any more than an extrovert should be made to feel bad about being too bubbly!

Kernowgal I would love to stay at your retreat!

Maillot I have been giving it some serious thought these past few days. I wonder if I could make it happen...

Perhaps with somewhere to park children for a couple of days?