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Original poster

Visiting children trashing toys and house?

53 replies

Mummysurfer · 04/01/2004 17:35

Has anyone any good ideas about how to tackle this without causing upset? I can cope when the visiting children are on their own but when they are with their parents I just don't know how to go about it without causing upset or sounding like a real nag.

OP posts:
pie · 04/01/2004 17:37

No tips I'm afraid, but its one of the reasons I don't invite certain children round to my home...ever. I'd be interested to hear how people tackle this problem.

Original poster
Mummysurfer · 04/01/2004 17:38

Oh, I'm glad I'm not alone pie. Problem is that the parents are our friends.

OP posts:
pie · 04/01/2004 17:40

ditto!

One in particular, her mum and I have been friends for 16 years and her DS is 3 months younger than DD1...I dislike like him immensely, and he is soooo destructive, I have asked him in front of her not to do xyz, break anything, mess up stuff, just general chaos and he cries and my friend just cuddles him. Arrrgghh!!

hana · 04/01/2004 17:41

can you not say to the kids ( including yours) lets clean up before we say goodbye? or something similar? Hide the toys you don't want them to play with? Limit them to one room? It's a tricky one and I'm sure there are lots of other mums in the same boat!

bunny2 · 04/01/2004 17:45

I recently learned the hard way. I invited 8 toddlers (with Mums) around for a little Xmas party in our newly decorated house and have chipped skirting boards and a ruined table as a reminder of the day. I tried to be laid back but was inwardly cringing at the damage and chaos. The only tip I can give is to entertain elsewhere. Ds's birthday party is going to be at a Wacky Warehouse not at home.

pie · 04/01/2004 17:46

The kid I know breaks DD1's toys...hence the no invite policy.

JJ · 04/01/2004 17:52

I know this one! I know this one!

My son is a natural trasher. He generally trashes my house and I think it's my responsibility to make sure he doesn't trash other people's houses. He's 2 and a bit.

Ok, so, my tips are:
1- believe me if I say they can't come over, even if you have kids the same age. Don't be offended; go to their house instead.
2- put up any special/easily breakable toys
3- if you don't like colours of play-do being mixed, only put out one at a time (etc on things like that)
4- accept that conversation will be a bit one sided and that I'm going to lose track of what was said almost constantly because I have to keep an eye on my son
and, the biggie:
5- please tell me (nicely!) when my son is breaking the house rules or doing something you don't like and please, please, please, feel free to ask him not to do something (ie "We don't do that here" said to him is, for me, the easiest way to hear I've just let him do something not on at your house)

If your friends have problems with no 5, then don't invite them over. It might be that you do number 5 and then number 1 happens - again, if so, don't be offended! It's easier for us to have people over here, especially if I like the parents and want to talk.

JJ · 04/01/2004 17:54

Oops, cross posted with just about everyone.

batey · 04/01/2004 17:58

We recently had our NY Day do at our house with 12 kids ranging from 20ms to age 10, all the parents and various other couples who's kids are grown up. I put signs on the doors of the rooms I didn't want the kids in. And for the younger ones told the individual parents specifically. and I also put a heavy laundry basket just behind each door do that if a little one were to push it, it would be hard to open. I also put all new/precious things in a locked room. And put all their special teddies/night clothes in a cupboard so I wouldn't be searching everywhere for them at bedtime. I got out 2 videos from the library that would suit most tastes/ages too.

We had a great time, no damage or major mess. The kids did go in the garden for a bit when they were getting too excited. I think you have to expect an element of trashing and try to be relaxed about it. It helps me knowing all the precious things are out of the way.HTH.

charliecat · 04/01/2004 18:02

Limit them to one room with one box of toys, with another box waiting to be swopped if they get bored with the first, my cousins boy used to come round on a thursday every week and it used to take me till the day before he came round again to sort the mess back out and guarenteed something was always broken.
I got so sick of it I did the one room one box thing and even put a duvet cover over the book shelf so he couldnt pull 300 books on the floor...he kept whinging to go to the kids room to play (trash) and i wouldnt let him. So my cousin said to me, why cant they, so i said that it took me a week to tidy up after him being here and id been doing it for 2 years and i was pregnant and this week i wasnt doing it. Well, shes not been here with him since strangely. Even stranger is her house is always show house tidy, always has been. Hes not allowed toys out of his room.

codswallop · 04/01/2004 18:08

get them out of earshot of their mUm and tell them the rules. also tell your ds dd to grass them

codswallop · 04/01/2004 18:09

Oh and ditto with Jj ds1 is trasher tell a tale about his trashing as a sublte hint

Skara · 04/01/2004 18:26

So relived to know I'm not alone in this I've put a stairgate at the top of the stairs, supposedly to stop ds from falling down or getting into mischief but really to stop other children trashing the bedrooms which they seem to be able to do in seconds. If mine did that I'd go mad but some parents I get here just don't seem to care - v difficult when they are good friends but just don't seem to mind living with toy soup on the floor...

Original poster
Mummysurfer · 04/01/2004 18:28

sorry i disapperaed as take away arrived. the friends think i'm a nag but altho' we put away precious things other stuff does annoyingly get broken. it just puts you off doing this, but we are in a take-turns situation. the good news is ... it's over til next time!

OP posts:
JJ · 04/01/2004 18:38

I do think you have to say something right away, before things get torn apart. Telling my son wouldn't work for him, but would let me know what the rules are, iyswim.

If you don't say anything, then how are people going to know? Not about breaking things obviously, but different levels of mess are acceptable to different people. Offering to help clean up to a places original state is only polite, though, whatever the situation. (Saying that, I hate for people to stay and straighten or clean, but do appreciate the offer which is always made.)

codswallop · 04/01/2004 18:53

Oh and my other theory is that after 3 yrs they dont seem to do it so much.

Have had 12(!) 3 - 8 year olds here today and not really a mess

kmg1 · 04/01/2004 19:09

It is so irritating isn't it? My boys have always had long concentration spans, and will play with something for ages. I remember when they had little friends round and they would get 20 different things out in 20 minutes, and not really play with them at all.

My top tip is start as you mean to go on. If these children are likely to keep on coming back to your house they need to how you like things done.

I always say firmly 'We don't do that in this house.' or 'In this house we put something away before we get something else out.', and help them tidy up together.

We have lots of rules in our house, that some children are unfamiliar with: Food/drink only in the dining room, Inside toys never get taken outside, etc. and children just accept them and take them on board. Also I make sure everyone helps with any tidying up that needs doing at the end of the session!

Original poster
Mummysurfer · 04/01/2004 19:14

how old sre your children? ours are 7 & 4

OP posts:
Mo2 · 04/01/2004 19:25

I sympathise completely - have two DSs - aged 4 yrs & 17 months, and all our friends also seem to have boys, which seems to make it worse!

The bit I'm finding difficult to manage is the whole 'boys rough & tumble' thing - basically wrestling each other around the floor, shrieking etc. Since inevitably someone usually ends up hurt and in tears, we don't allow it in the house (garden is a bit different - fewer hard things to hit), nor do we allow any jumping/bouncing on beds/ sofas. However we stayed with friends for New Year who said, oh yes, we always have about half an hour of rough & tumble (= fighting) in the living room before bedtime. Madness IMO - you end up with 4 over-excited children and lots of bruises & tears...
Difficult isn't it?

kmg1 · 04/01/2004 19:27

Mine are 4 and 6. I assumed yours were younger, sorry. Mostly they play with friends unsupervised, but they 'enforce the rules', because they know otherwise there will be a lot of tidying up (for them to do) at the end. They have LOADS of toys and a big playroom, and it can easily get out of control if a child wants to get everything out.

I don't really have any experience of children (deliberately?) breaking stuff though. can you elaborate?

kmg1 · 04/01/2004 19:32

Mo2 - now that does sound like a nightmare to me. We also do not have rough and tumble. My boys have lots of energy and need lots of exercise (preferably in the morning), they do not need to be violent and aggressive. How long did you stay with those friends? I am shuddering as a type imagining what the scene. I'm sure they would subsequently take ages to get to sleep.

It's when you come into direct conflict over house rules, that difficulties can arise, isn't it?

lorne · 04/01/2004 19:44

Hi There,

When we have friends etc around with their children I must admit I just expect there to be a mess etc with toys, I wouldn't dream of saying they are not allowed this or that. I feel as long as they are not hurting each other etc then it is fine. I can soon tidy up afterwards when they leave. It isn't the end of the world. I am just happy to see them all having fun as I feel that is what it is all about.

Lorne

pie · 04/01/2004 20:01

But Lorne, no one is talking about making a mess with toys, we are talking trashing a house and breaking things, in my case deliberately. I'm happy to see my children having fun with other children, but not to see these other kids destroy my home.

The little boy (he's 4.5) I mentioned, for instance, saw DD1's toy pushchair. Its tiny and 3 years old, so he sits in it. You literally hear the stitching rip. So I say 'I think you should get out of there, it will break and you'll go straight on the floor and hurt your bottom'. he does it again, more ripping so I say 'Please don't DD1 will be very upset if her pushchair gets broken' so what does he do? Jumps of the sofa, feet first through the flipping pushchair. All the while mum is telling him in a pretty disinterested way if you ask me, 'No stop..'

Is that all right then with you Lorne, I mean they're not hurting each other right? (which is what the other mum says) He's sure having fun.

Original poster
Mummysurfer · 04/01/2004 20:05

Don't get me wrong I don't mind mess, but I do not like damage, pieces mising from games, doors broken off vehicles, etc. etc.

OP posts:
Lisa78 · 04/01/2004 20:08

Pie, I don't think Lorne meant deliberate damage and naughtiness, in the case you mentioned, I'm astonished that his mother didn't intervene - mine would have been in BIG trouble for that sort of behaviour. Did she offer to replace it?