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Original poster

I am in denial, but I need to face up to reality

57 replies

emkana · 31/03/2006 20:41

As some of you know I have been told that it is likely that my baby will be born with achondroplasia (dwarfism).

While a small part of me has taken this in a large part of me is in complete denial. I just can't stop thinking about all the stories I have read (and heard) of people who were told awful things during pregnancy but then the baby turned out to be perfectly healthy.

I don't think this is doing me any good and I should face up to reality, but how do I do it? Or will it come in time anyway?

OP posts:
morningpaper · 31/03/2006 20:43

Don't know any answers to that. I expect you will keep hoping that all will be okay, until you meet the baby monkey and fall in love anyway.

skerriesmum · 31/03/2006 20:45

I realise I'm not a regular poster but have been following your threads and I know you've had a really hard time.
You've had so many opinions and tests that some of it must not seem quite real.
Have you thought about talking to the UK achondroplasia society and see what they recommend? Prepare as much as you can, that's all you can do.

misdee · 31/03/2006 20:45

it may come with time.

but my mum was told my younger sister had spina bifita throughtout her pregnany, but refeused all further tests, docs advised aboration. my mum refused. sister is perfectly healthy.

SoupDragon · 31/03/2006 20:47

I would imagine you'll always have some corner of your mind that holds onto the "scan was wrong" thought until you have your baby or a later scan makes things clearer. It's only natural.

Original poster
emkana · 31/03/2006 22:08

bump

OP posts:
Piffle · 31/03/2006 22:13

Emkana I'm not sure its possible to face up to it until your child is born, this is only my experience but... had we found out that dd was to be born with her condition we would have been the same as you - torn between degrees of the syndrome, implications and so on and so forth.
Try to enjoy your pregnancy, the time before and leading up to your new baby
I can honestly tell you, despite all the worries, I would not be without my girl :)I take it you get lots more scans and growth patterns etc? they may give you ups and downs along the way so b prepared
hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

soapbox · 31/03/2006 22:22

Sweetheart - I don't think there is anything very much to be in denial about:)

Your sweet little boy will be born and you will fall in love with him just as you have your other children. Babies with this condition do not look very much different from any other babies and indeed through young childhood they look much the same - so you will have many years to adjust to the 'reality' of how individual and unique your child is, just as all of ours are!

There is a possibility that your baby will not have this condition, but if he has then the bottom won't fall out of your world overnight!

Give yourself a break - you've had a hideous time so far with your pregnancy. Whatever and however you think and do right now, won't change the outcome - so you might as well just be happy and positive!

As the man on the telly says, don't turn a drama into a crisisGrin

Original poster
emkana · 31/03/2006 22:34

The great thing is that posting here enables me to have a really good cry and then to feel better.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 31/03/2006 22:36

i was never one for facing up to anything until it was the present and staring me right in the face.

sorry, wish i could make things better for you, em. Sad

just remember we are here for you.

soapbox · 31/03/2006 22:36

Yes! I can really see how posting here might help compared to RL.

I've been in horrible situations in the past where I couldn't get a word out in RL in case I completely broke down in tears.

Having somewhere like this to get it all out, would have been a real help in those difficult times!

Original poster
emkana · 31/03/2006 22:41

When I tell people in RL about the diagnosis they just look at me and go "oh" and don't know what to say - and I can understand that, I would be exactly the same.

But then I find myself either babbling away or drying up myself and it's just not very helpful.

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 31/03/2006 23:14

Sorry if this sounds a bit off, but is the reality that you may have to face upt to really so awful? It's only a physical thing, your child will still develop normally mentally. I know some dwarves (two in fact) both of whom are married and have fulfilled and normal lives.

Obviously it is a shock but actually even if it were the case that your child did have achondroplasia, they can still lead a relatively normal life.

spidermama · 31/03/2006 23:18

I think it'll come with time. Surely all you can do is live a day at a time because you have now entered totally uncharted, unplanned territory. You can't predict your feelings or prepare your reactions.

I think there are no 'shoulds' involved or even possible.

Original poster
emkana · 01/04/2006 11:31

No CD it's not that awful and I know what you're saying and this is what I tell myself etc.

But it is a shock nevertheless, and upsetting.

OP posts:
Original poster
emkana · 01/04/2006 11:36

And my overall emotional state has to be seen in the context of the weeks of emotional ups and downs I've had with this pregnancy where doctors have been scaring us with possible outcomes, then saying it's okay, then something new coming up, including two weeks in which there was complete and utter uncertainty as to the health of our baby.

So even if I'm overreacting I feel I'm sort of entitled to it really.

OP posts:
SorenLorensen · 01/04/2006 11:39

I would be devastated, emkana - and I think you have to make peace with it in your own time, and maybe you won't - completely - 'til the baby is born. You will always have that little hope that they are wrong about the achondroplasia - I know I would, in your position.

FastasleepTheAprilFool · 01/04/2006 11:41

Of course you're not over-reacting...christ I used to cry about how I'd put the wrong amount of milk in my tea and stuff like that when I was pregnant!

Your hormones are all over, your body's doing a lot of work right now, you're going to feel weird anyway, and you've had a huge shock, nearly all mums expect their baby to be completely normal, it's going to take time for the information to filter through... I don't think you have to actively do anything, just carry on in the way that feels right for you and one day you'll realise you're accepting the situation... it might be a very slow proccess though..

you're reacting very normally!

ggglimpopo · 01/04/2006 11:47

Denial is part of the grieving process - for the pregnancy you thought you would have. It is entirely normal and healthy that you should feel disbelief, denial, anger and sadness now. It is all preparing you for the birth of your baby who you will love and accept for who he is - with or without any problems.

Look after yourself.

harpsichordcarrier · 01/04/2006 11:52

emkana don't have much advice
ime the human mind only deals with what it can deal with IYSWIM. Denial is actually a pretty healthy thing in some cases and it has a bit of a bad press. "facing up to reality" often means having the pain twice - now AND later. I would say - be kind ot yourself and let it all sink in, in its own time.I don't think there is any purpose to be served by forcing yourself to face up to things now.
sending love
HC xx

CarlyP · 01/04/2006 12:02

emkana, not much advice. you will lvoe your little one just the same though,whatever the outcome. you have a right to feel in denial and stressed etc.

cx

edam · 01/04/2006 12:30

Oh emkana honey, I know the docs are only doing their job, but they have made your pregnancy miserable, haven't they? Sometimes wonder if antenatal testing just makes things worse.

Agree with harpsi, I don't think you necessarily have to 'face up to' this. Just go with your feelings, don't force yourself to find out more than you can cope with.

FWIW when I was diagnosed with scary condition, I really resented all the well-meaning people who kept thrusting information at me (inc. dh who was only trying to help, bless him). Didn't want to know, didn't want to be one of 'them'. Actually most of the information they produced was irrelevant to me as an individual anyway. Didn't want to find out before I was ready to find out, IYSWIM.

foundintranslation · 01/04/2006 13:12

emkana, fastasleep and harpsi said what I would have said sooner and better than I could. And don't expect too much of yourself - you really have been through the mill.
This is gloing off at a tangent from the denial a bit, but you know, the friend I told you about in my email, I think she could really understand this, they are so happy to have their ds and know that there are 'worse' things he could have iyswim, but still it's a shock when it happens, there are all sorts of unknowns and things which seem to promise difficulty, and I think this feeling of 'it wasn't supposed to be like this' and 'this can't be happening' is perfectly normal and expectable. I know I had this sort of feeling when ds got jaundice and ended up having phototherapy and bf was such a huge struggle at the beginning, and that was really something minor, transient and piddling in the scheme of things.

Original poster
emkana · 01/04/2006 19:06

Thank you for all your kind words. Smile

I'm sure it won't be my last thread on the subject either, but I'll try to keep a lid on it.

OP posts:
compo · 01/04/2006 19:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FastasleepTheAprilFool · 01/04/2006 19:32

You don't need to keep a lid on it! It's not annoying at all... don't let that stop you posting!