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Original poster

am i being unreasonable? why do i feel so crap?

29 replies

itdoesntmatter · 28/03/2006 12:58

Last year was my first ever mother's day. So I was really disappointed when dp didn't bother even getting me a card or anything from ds.

This year I made sure to remind him, on saturday we went out and I asked if he needed to take ds shopping for anytihng, what with it being mother's day the next day.
He muttered sometihng non-commital and we carried on shopping.
Sunday morning- nothing. Not even a happy mother's day. I was kind of upset but had to go out to work. I mentioned to him that the car needed filling up with petrol (which he normally does at the weekend) and that while he was out he could get me some flowers and a card.
Got back home- nothing.

I am so gutted. Other people seem to have dps or dh's who actually WANT to do something special for them and want them to have a nice day. My dp just deosn't seem to care. he knows that this was special for me but he just couldn't even be bothered. Couldn't even be bothered to acknowledge that it was mother's day.

Now, a part of me is saying that this is a really stupid thing to be upset over, but I still can't stop thinking about it and I keep crying.

I've barely spoken to dp since. I thought he might try and make up for it yesterday, but no he has just carried on like nothing happened.
It isn't that I am purposely not talking to him, but I am so cross with him, and feel so upset that I just don't have anything to say. It hurts to even acknoledge him when he is acting like nthing has happened even though he can see I am upset.

why can't I just get over this?

oh and just to make matters worse i have no bread or milk in the house but I can't go and get any because he let ds play with my car keys last night and now I can't find them anywhere.

OP posts:

desperateSCOUSEwife · 28/03/2006 13:00

dont acknowledge him for fathers day then
he may get the point that way

ScummyMummy · 28/03/2006 13:02

Awww. poor you. Dp is being a prat. Is he usually nicer or is this typical?

Original poster

itdoesntmatter · 28/03/2006 13:03

he doesn't care though.
he doesn't care about anything like that, it wouldn't bother him if he didn't get anything for birthday or christmas either.

OP posts:

Original poster

itdoesntmatter · 28/03/2006 13:03

he is usually nice, just really thoughtless. Because he doesn't care about this kind of stuff he just assumes that no-one else does.

I just wish that sometimes he would surprise me without me having to ask him to

OP posts:

ScummyMummy · 28/03/2006 13:05

So when you say that to him how does he respond?

Original poster

itdoesntmatter · 28/03/2006 13:06

he just says "yeah i know, sorry for being an arse" and then thinks that makes everything ok.

Do you think i'm on a losing battle trying to get him to change?

OP posts:

Eve2005 · 28/03/2006 13:08

buy your own present, it's supposed to be from your son anyway so take some money from his wallet and buy yourself something you'd actually enjoy!

my dad has this mentality, doesn't care about gifts himself so doesn't get stuff for my mom, she either gives him a list and sends him out or buys herself nice stuff. seems to have worked for them for 25 years!

ScummyMummy · 28/03/2006 13:09

er, maybe! Sounds annoying and sometimes really upsetting though. Does he buy a present late to make up?

ScummyMummy · 28/03/2006 13:10

That's a good idea, Eve.

desperateSCOUSEwife · 28/03/2006 13:13

I personally wouldnt do that eve buy myself a prezzie as it would relieve him of his duty to get me a gift iykwim

Original poster

itdoesntmatter · 28/03/2006 13:13

yeah was going to buy myself some flowers from tesco when i got the bread and milk! if you were 13 motnhs old where would you hide some keys?? lol

nope, I never get anything late to make up for it.

you know even if he had got ds to scribble on a bit of paper then folded it in half i'd have been happy. it's just the fact that he couldn't be bothered that upsets me. If he genuinely hadn't had time or whatever then that would have been fine.

OP posts:

anorak · 28/03/2006 13:14

I hate this. It's the source of so much misery. If you have a partner who doesn't observe occasions but they're important to you it can hurt so much. For days before any occasion you torment yourself dreading being overlooked and hurt. I've been through it all with a previous partner.

My guess is that your partner really doesn't understand what a big deal this is for you. He needs you to explain it in words of one syllable. I reckon he understands that you'd like a card, but he doesn't get it just how disappointed and hurt you feel when you don't get one. I think he thinks you're just mildly pissed off.

Keep talking until he gets it, even if you have to nag. Women only nag because men don't listen, if they listened properly the first time it would never happen.

Original poster

itdoesntmatter · 28/03/2006 13:15

i don't want it to turn into a kind of "i expect a present, you WILL buy me one"

i just want him to realise that stuff like this is special to me and that it'd be nice if he did something for me. in a few years ds will be making me stuff at school I expect, so it's not like it's forever!

OP posts:

Eve2005 · 28/03/2006 13:18

true DSW, but it doesn't look like he feels much responsibility to buy one at the mo!

anorak · 28/03/2006 13:18

Men don't understand that to many of us women not being recognised on a special occasion feels like not being cared about. And he isn't going to suddenly understand that unless you patiently explain it as if talking to an imbecile!

Eve2005 · 28/03/2006 13:19

my dd is 14 months and puts everything in the laundry basket, if that helps!

desperateSCOUSEwife · 28/03/2006 13:21

agree with anorak

men sometimes need to be reminded either by being told, nagged at, deaf and dumb dinners or no nooks
sorry to sound old fashioned but some men do need this sort of treatment
especially when all we really ask for is 3 maybe 4 occasions a year where we are thought of (not necessarily spoiled)
and a bit of appreciation goes a long way imo

Original poster

itdoesntmatter · 28/03/2006 13:25

but I did tell him and he still didn't bother.

I think I might send him the link to this thread

OP posts:

teabelly · 28/03/2006 13:31

IDM I was just going to suggest that!

My ds was always hiding things in his toy box and the cereal packets in the only food cupboard he could reach!

joelalie · 28/03/2006 13:31

Oooh....I sympathise. DH had to be prodded into bothering for the first few years!! I remember feeling like you one year when nothing at all was forthcoming....I actually worked my ar*e off buying flowers and cards for my mother and HIS mother too....arranging to take them both out for lunch (which meant driving 20 miles to pick mil up and then take her back again). And what did I get....big fat ZERO!!!! I seem to remember crying for about 8 hours flat . He hasn't forgotten since... although he has a mental block about flowers....seems to really hate buying them which is a shame as I love them. DS#1 knows I like lilies but DH simply refuses to buy them...odd. I think he's making a stand of some strange kind. Mind you I got into trouble a few years back when I didn't bother about Fathers Day but only 'cos DH told me it was stupid commercial nonsense....seems he didn't actually mean it...oops

Original poster

itdoesntmatter · 28/03/2006 13:32

have checked laundry baskets, cupboards and toybox, no luck yet!

they're probably at the bottom of the nappy bucket. yuck

OP posts:

Original poster

itdoesntmatter · 28/03/2006 13:34

joelalie that's what happened here too. when we were out on saturday and I suggested he may want to get something we were actually out buying stuff for my mum.

He didn't even bother getting his mum anything either though, so I don't know why I was so surprised

OP posts:

desperateSCOUSEwife · 28/03/2006 13:34

joelalie re the lillies
some men refuse to buy them as they are or were associated with funerals
odd I know coz i think they are lovely too

fairyjay · 28/03/2006 13:48

I think it is really selfish of him not to react to such a direct request. It doesn't matter whether he cares about having cards and presents or not, the fact is that you made it very clear you do.

He needs to be told quietly and calmly that he has to change, and be considerate to you needs, because he has upset you greatly.

joelalie · 28/03/2006 13:50

Hmmm...that might be it DSW, but I don't think so. He used to buy them for me all the time for no particular reason which is how DS knows I like them. Been married too long now I guess.... ...

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