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Original poster

I'm fed up of my Mum favouring DS1 over DS2.

30 replies

blueteddy · 27/03/2006 13:56

Maybe I am over reacting, but my Mum seems to have far more time for DS1 than DS2 & I don't think it's fair.
Both my boys adore her, but she often phones & asks to speak to her boy. When I ask which one, it is always DS1. She sometimes picks him up from school & keeps him overnight, but NEVER has DS2 to stay. I know DS2 is only 3 (DS1 is 6) & requires more looking after, but he is starting to notice now & I don't think it is fair on him.
I was aware that she always favoured my sister when we were children, as she was easier & it used to really upset me, so I would hate for it to happen with my own boys.
DS2 starts nursery on Thursday & I told my Mum that they had asked if he was like DS1, as it took DS1 ages to settle.
My Mum's response was "No, he is not as gorgeous as DS1!"Angry
I was SO cross & said "They are both gorgeous"
She then tried to fumble her way out of it saying that he was a gorgeous little monkey.
Do you think I am being over sensitive?

OP posts:
yeamam · 27/03/2006 14:01

Shame on your mum! MIL is the same with our 2. DD is 4 and DS is 1. Even the gifts she buys them are a reflection of favouritism. DD got a whole load of clothes, and bedroom slippers on her bday. plus a card that says "Lots and lots of love, hugs and kisses from Nana and Gramp" DS got a rugby top and a card that said "From: Nana and Gramps"

And their birthday was 3 days apart so DD noticed that she got lots and DS got hardly anything. I am not materialistic, I just wish she would either buy the same or nothing at all.

Perhaps you could say to your mum about the way she's acting? DH said to MIL a few weeks ago and now they haven't spoken since Sad

TinyGang · 27/03/2006 14:04

No, I don't think you are being oversensitive. That would make me feel very sad too. I can't understand favouritism - especially when it's so obvious.

Maybe your mum just feels she clicks with ds1 on all levels, but it's very unkind to be so noticable about it. Are you close enough to speak to her about it? Maybe she doesn't realise she's doing it. Also, she might just think of ds2 as the 'baby' who still needs to be with you all the time. Perhaps she needs reminding that he's growing up too - and is starting to feel a bit left out.

Original poster
blueteddy · 27/03/2006 14:05

How horrible, yeaman.Sad
I think the time has come for me to say to my Mum that she either takes them both or doesn't take either of them. She doesn't have to take them together, but DS2 is noticing now & I feel he should be treated the same as his brother.
I am sure she will have a strop though.

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 27/03/2006 14:06

Do you have a MIL? Can you talk to her about your gorgeous mother, then say oops sorry, meant MIL?

Angry on your behalf - this is shitty behaviour.

Original poster
blueteddy · 27/03/2006 14:07

I think it is because DS1 is easier than DS2, but that is no excuse for her calling DS1 her special boy & leaving DS2 out.SadAngry

OP posts:
TinyGang · 27/03/2006 14:09

If she can't manage them both - could she see ds2 on his own when his brother is at school? Perhaps take him to the park or whatever and do something more grown up with ds1 when he's off school.

Original poster
blueteddy · 27/03/2006 14:09

Yes I do have a MIL & she treats the boys far more equally. I am not that close to MIL though.

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MrsBigD · 27/03/2006 14:12

so sorry to hear this blueteddy.

In my case it's the other way round, my mum favours ds (18m) over dd (4 years). Reason being... dd was a very difficult baby and didn't take to my mum at all - mum only visits 3-4x a year as in different country. ds though takes to anybody as he's a completely different personality to dd. So last time my mum was visiting she said 'how's my favourite grandchild' and I severely told her off and told her she has 2 grandchildren! As we speak in German and you've got male and female grandchild she 'saved' herself by saying well he's my only 'grandson'... yeah right. I was so cross I told her to either treat them the same, as far as possible with the age gap, or not bother visit. That shut her up, well for a while anyhow.

Now 4 dd finally plays with my mum a little, but still not too keen on her. When my dad comes visit though... she's loving it! Dad can't 'handle' small children as he can't 'hold a conversation'. Give him his due though he usually has ds giggling for hours too. Grin

Original poster
blueteddy · 27/03/2006 14:15

She has him on a Tuesday for me while I am at work, (as she did with DS1) so he has some time with her then. She often passes him back & keeps DS1 overnight - which I wouldn't mind, as Ds2 has been with her in the day.
It is just the way she asks how her boy is, calls him her special boy, picks him up from school & keeps him overnight, while DS2 is left asking where his brother is, etc.
Yesterday they were round her house eating dinner & she was kissing & hugging Ds1 at the table & ignoring DS2.Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
blueteddy · 27/03/2006 14:18

I don't blame you for being cross, MrsBigD!Angry Glad she is starting to spend more time with your DD now though.

OP posts:
waggledancer · 27/03/2006 14:23

Sorry she is like this but some people are insensitive. If she obviously favoured one of her children then it's not surprising she does the same with grandchildren. My mil favours her eldest son and his family above the rest of us, and plays obvioud favourites amongst her grandchildren. Maybe its a generational thing, maybe she can't share her love equally. No advice as such, just acknowledgement of how hurtful it is for the unfavoured child and for you. Just remember that ultimately its her loss

robin3 · 27/03/2006 14:26

This post has made my blood boil! All I can say is I would not be able to turn a blind eye to that...I'd probably over-react and stop her from seeing both of them until she at least apologised and demonstrated she was going to try harder.

cyan · 27/03/2006 14:29

hi blueteddy, favourtism makes me so Angry! My xp's mother favours xp's niece over my ds. ALthough xp and I arent together anymore, ds still goes over to see xp's family. EVen whilst we were together, there was clear favourtism. For example, ds got an outifit from george, and a toy from a charity shop whereas his cousin got a trip to disneyland. I couldn't have cared less if they'd got the same or nothing at all, but clearly they didn't. xp doesnt see it that way, of course.

Blu · 27/03/2006 14:29

I don't think you are over-reacting either. She is being really insensitive, it's horrible to give children the impression that they are not loved equally.
I suspect that it particularly upsets you because you see her doing what she did to you - and it is as wrong to do it to her gc as it was to do it to you. Adults need to put children first in thse relationships - not decide which one she thinks is easier or more gorgeous and abandon the other. She's not taking her responsibility as an adult properly.

Do you think you could tell her that DS2 is starting to notice?

cyan · 27/03/2006 14:30

oh btw i dont have issues with charity shop toys, i do buy ds stuff out of them, its just the fact there was quite clearly a stark contrast between the kids gifts! IYKWIM!

Original poster
blueteddy · 27/03/2006 14:32

Shock That is terrible, cyan! I would be fuming!
I think I am going to have to put my foot down & say that DS1 doesn't stay anymore unless DS2 can also stay sometimes.
It is so horrible to watch DS2 getting left out.Sad

OP posts:
cyan · 27/03/2006 14:36

yes i think you need to put your foot down, before it gets worse. the thing for me is i dont feel i have a place to say anything anymore, as xp and i arent together, and also the fact that she isnt my mum.

i just get cross that they favour xps niece over ds. xp always says it's becasue she was born first?! and that's why it seems that she gets more. bollocks is what i say!

Pagan · 27/03/2006 14:39

My Dad had the same trouble with my Grandfather who tended to favour one of my brothers over the other. My Dad was furious and said if he couldn't treat them both equally then he didn't get to see either of them. Drastic but effective!

Original poster
blueteddy · 27/03/2006 14:43

Bollocks indeed! Shouldn't matter whether you are first born or tenth born, they should all be treated the same.Angry
My Mum admits that she didn't feel the same love for DS2 when he was born, as she loved DS1 so much. I guess this would have been due to him being her first grandchild, so let that one go - but now they should be loved & treated the same IMO.

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SomethingAboutMary · 27/03/2006 14:44

I HATE favourtism, my family are sort of like this, it has affected me a bit through life.

There are 4 of us 3 girls & one boy.

My Mum has always favoured my brother (probably because he is the only boy) & also one of my sisters (probably because she is an "angel" and always has been.

My MIL favours Dp's other son (my Step-son) over my kids it has made "mega" problems through mine & dp's relationship but i have just let them get on with it now & have accepted it.

The way i try & look at it is i know my kids have "nanny" (my mum) & its MIL's loss at the end of the day!

Women are very funny !

saadia · 27/03/2006 14:54

I think that's really horrible of her. Even if someone does have a particular favourite for whatever reason they should never show it because children know everything.

robin3 · 27/03/2006 15:01

WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE!

Reading all the other posts and facing an impending situation with my own Mum who is making no bones about the fact that she wants the next baby to be a girl, I'm in disbelief at how some adults operate.

I'm so relieved that the baby in my tummy is a boy because I know that she'd favour a little girl over DS1 and now she's gonna get her comeupence (?). Of course she may still decide there is a favourite amongst the two boys!

Original poster
blueteddy · 27/03/2006 16:14

Oh my Mum is very pro girls too, robin3. When I was expecting both DS's she made it obvious that she wanted them to be girls. Sometimes when she is play fighting with DS1 she says "Yuk, horrible little boys - I don't like little boys"
I know she is only messing around, but I don't like it.
The pressure is now on my sister to produce her a grandaughter!

OP posts:
MrsBigD · 27/03/2006 18:30

Oh how I detest gp who put pressure on you to 'have' a particular sex of their choosing as a grandchild... erhem last time I checked not much we can do about it and also aren't we civilised enough now not to 'kill the firstborn if it's a girl' iykwim... important is that they're healthy.

I always wanted a little girl and I actually got one. But now I also have a little boy and I also adore him :)

Not sure whether dh's mum has a favourite... she's only met dd when she was 18m old as she lives in NZ. Ds she's only seen in pics and she keeps telling me 'he looks like his dad and he's going to be trouble!' Grin. Obviously she adores dd as she was her first biological grandchild, but she always dotes on both the same with presents etc.

wannaBe1974 · 27/03/2006 22:00

I simply wouldn't allow that, I would tell your mum that either your DS2 stays over night or she can't have DS1 at all. I can foresee you having additional problems in the future though, if your sister does produce a girl, is it likely your two will both be pushed out in favour of a girl?

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