How do you deal with sentimental Outlaws when you are anything but?

[Annner]

OK, so I come from a family in which Mothering Sunday (never Mother's Day) is a religious festival for you to show your appreciation to your MOTHER, and in which my own father told me not to send Father's Day cards, because it was made up by a greetings card company. He said that he wanted our recognition 365 days a year, not a piece of cardboard with a picture of a golfer on it once a year! We send birthday and Christmas cards, and recognise our anniversaries, but don't generally go over the top. Cards are generally plain, with a personal message. Basically, I have never set foot in Clintons.

Switch to MIL. Cards are huge, full of saccharine "poetry" and are always to "Son!" "Granddaughter" etc. She effectively is one of those people who measures how much she loves or is loved by the size and number of cards that she receives. On top of this she is always (rather unhealthily, in my view) competing with my mother for DD's affection. I had real problems with the outlaws being sent "Congratulations on becoming grandparents" cards (err - you did what, exactly???) and with them and all of their random mates sending DD "baby's first Christmas" cards. (err... she was four weeks old. And your point is??) Needless to say, they all went in the recycling, but...

I do not want DD to grow up with swallowing this sentimental old claptrap. I don't want her to think that big cheesy card = love. MIL kept EVERY SINGLE card that DH had ever been sent, from birth to 15. We lobbed most of them, as he had no idea who half of them were from (kind of proved my point...), but she was visibly upset by this and has asked whether we have kept DD's cards.

This evening I found out that DH had sent MIL a Mother's Day card - from DD, in addition to his own. DD is 16 months old, ffs. As I see it, this is between a mother and their child, not their grandparents. And now we have set a precedent.

I worry that we are laying the groundwork for her to get older thinking that Grandma does love her more than Granny does because she sends her more cheesy rubbish from Clintons. I want my child to be able to differentiate between sentiment and real emotions. So how on earth can I steer a middle course: it seems to me that you either have to go along with this rubbish (I just about managed to find a birthday card for Grandma that didn't make me want to vomit) but I really think that this is one card too far.

If DD decides to make one when she is older, that will be different. But buying one on her behalf to indulge someone who is quite sentimental enough already, and when I have already made it quite clear how awkward mawkish sentiment makes me feel??

I am livid. Bahh, humbug?, or can anyone empathise?

your dd is very young, and it makes her grandmother happy, so what's the problem?
just because your family have one way of doing something doesn't mean that every one elses's way is wrong.
ok what you call 'mawkish sentiment' might make you feel awkward, but cold lack of feeling(as they may see it) will make them feel bad.Live and let live.

Bah humbug. Can't stand soppy cards myself but seems a bit unnecessary to stamp all over your dh for sending a card to his mother from your dd. It's just a nice gesture that she will appreciate. What's wrong with that? I really can't see how this does you any harm.

It might be mawkish to you, but it's important to your MIL, and knowing that's the case, it would be sad to deprive her of it, imo. A few pence for a card and a bunch of flowers that will make her day ... what's the problem? Your daughter will get her values from you, not her grandmother, and will soon work out for herself that love doesn't come in an envelope.

It's kind of because it does make me feel REALLY awkward and uncomfortable, and I really look forward to Mothering Sunday as our day with our mothers. Not with our grandmothers. It's their bloody day every time they come over!

Why should it be me going along with what they do, if it makes me feel so uncomfortable? It sounds OTT, but I've never really had to mix with people who send congratulations cards when their friends cut their toenails, and it freaks me. One of their random mates sent us a "congratulations on being pregnant" card last time!! I never even knew such a naff thing existed. Talk about counting your chickens before they hatch... Yet I have to go along with it, smile sweetly, and look grateful. When I would rather that people who don't know me from Adam just didn't bother.

How on earth do you deal with it?

I wouldn't have so much of a problem if she was old enough to make a card, but now we've started, we'll have to carry on. He didn't do it last year, so why now?

Sorry Edam, forgot to answer... it's because it is setting a precedent for the future, it is putting DD into a position that whenever she makes a Mothering Sunday Day card in the future she will feel that she HAS to make one for Grandma ('cos she expects it) and will struggle to reconcile that with the fact that Granny doesn't expect it.

If you start suggesting that cards = love, you start to believe it. The default is not to send one, surely?

i agree that the card makers will totting up their till receipts and true, it's mother's day NOT grandmother's day (personally I'd have words with dkids if they started getting the dgc to send me a card on md but there's no chance of that happening so I've no need to worry).

OTOH what real harm is being done? You can still teach your child that cards don't = love but sometimes it's a nice gesture to make someone you love happy. If, as you say, you have religious background, I'm surprised at your lack of compassion.

Hope you don't mind me jumping to conclusions but this sounds like you have a major problem with your MIL that consists of more than sentimental cards that she sends. Sounds like you resent her and dislike her. Is she really that bad?

but your MIL is a mother too.

Do you spend time with YOUR mother and your dh has to forgo time with his? Having a grandchild visit with your own child is the icing on the cake

Anmer I'm with you on most of this.
Why should your MIL get one from your DD? She's had her turn as a mother, she's your DD's grandmother. You're the important one, her mother
I think a card for her grandma on grandmas birthday or one to her gran at Xmas is fair enough, but certainly not mothers day. I wouldn't even get my DS's to send one to my mum (if she were still with us)
I think it's sad your DH went and did it secretly, and felt obliged to have to send one too. Has MIL really got this much persausion? Are you married to my DH??

It isn't the actual card that equals love, but the thought and the effort surely?

So long as your DD knows that love can be demonstrated in lots of different ways, and that big and cheesy doesn't always mean more I can see no problem.

To me this is pretty harmless nd if your Dh wants to do this with DD, then I wouldn't stop him. Nice that he cares enough to even bother, especially as there are so many posts about on Mother's Day were DPs haven't even bothered to sort out a card from their children to send to their mummies.

Annner - I can sympathise with you on this one

I can understand that MIL likes this stuff so why not go along with it. But I find myself agreeing with you tbh

I have no idea what to suggest in dealing with it though, my own often cheesy mil died a few years ago - so maybe be grateful that at least your dd has two granmas?

I still find myself agreeing with you though :)

I do have problems with her - but they are to do with her over-neediness with DD. The oversentimentality is tied up with this. She is very childlike and tends to turn on the taps a lot - like every time she leaves, or if we take issue with something. DH says sentimental, i say manipulative. But I love her to bits, but she never lets it rest with the "Grandma's girl" tosh. I can't get my head round their obsession with being on their own with DD: however long they get, it is never enough, and she needs, I think, almost to pretend that she is her's. I suppose that is why I have a particular problem with Mother's day, and all things motherly being connected to MIL.

It's more that by doing this they are imposing a set of values on DD to which I am vehmently opposed. And I can do nothing to stop it, "because it means a lot to her". What about my feelings? I'm her mother!

i got cards when i found out i was pregnant and i loved that other people were sharing in our happiness and delight and recognising that it was a massive deal for us. as someone said i think you have issues with her apart from the card thing.

Anner,I'm completely with you on this (while psml at the 'Son!' style cards)
Put your foot down-it isn't a Grandmothers' Day, it's a Mothers' Day. (Much as I loved my own,would never have occured to me to get them one)
I would ensure that your cards to her become ever smaller,ever more tasteful and ever more infrequent as time passes by...

he sent a card to HIS mum from your dd

puke

agree its sickening

At least you've got a bloke who gets the whole women and cards things.
Some of our sex would kill for a chap like that...

I do understand where your coming from and have always felt that way - that mothers day was for your mother and no-one else.

Recently however my Gran has moved into a nursing home and is pretty up and down. DD and I did send her a card for mothers day this year. The difference is we made it, and it didn't say mothers day on it - just with love from ..... I sent it to try to give her a lift, and I think that was a good thing to do. DD helped me make the card for my Mum too so I suppose thats really from both of us.

I hate the commercialisation of it all, and I don't buy cards for it I always make them, as I do cards for most events to be honest.

My MIL will get a card from DH and DD combined on Amercian Mothers day in May, becasue he wants to send it and becasue again it will make her day.

I guess as I get older I see how little things like that can make peoples days, I would just find your own happy medium, perhaos if DD is going to send one make them home made then you can control the saccharine!

oh Anmer, the more you write the more you could be me!
MIL is so obsessive with my two DS's and calls them by our last names "oh they are certainly xxx's" I know she alsways wanted another baby, but having DH in the late 60's and being 30 at the time they told her she was a geriatric mother and not to have any more incase of complications! So for me to come along, take her DS who was 32 at the time, from her, marry him, and have two babies, she is very jealous. Yes, she is lovely and loves them, but I can feel that twang of jealousy, and I sometimes think she'd love it if she could play mummy to all three of them!
All I can say is take a deep breath and a step back. It's what I do alot and I don't suppose it'll change much over the next 10yrs (before they grow out of the cute ctage and stop wanting to visit Nanna.
Howeverif you know another way around it, I would love to hear!!

Thanks, Mamatuks and BBbee: I'm not being terribly eloquent, but the "they've had their turn at being a mother" sums it up completely. It's not as we don't sent them cards and flowers!

As a child, we never sent our grandmothers mother's day cards - because that was for Mummy and Daddy to do. It was part of how I learnt about generations, and families, and Mummy and Daddy having their own Mummies and Daddies...

And it's the lack of equity: it's hard enough as it is to steer an equal course between the Outlaws and the Pezzers, and this kind of thing makes it nearly impossible. I'm not about to start sending random cards to my mother (she would find it hilarious!) but once DD is old enough, the poor little love will probably have to find herself on a card production line.

And where will it end? I just hope that DH is nowhere near the shops when he realises that Clintons or Hallmark invented a poxy Granparents' Day!!!

(before I sound like a completely spoilt brat, I know that I am lucky to have a thoughtful DH, and send a grrrrr to those DPs/DHs who haven't orgaised their offspring!!!)

Yes, you are her mummy. But equally DH is her daddy. You both need to sit down and talk about it and agree on some form of neutral ground. Presumably both of you will need to make slight changes to come to that in agreement.

How about suggesting a compromise to Dh next time? Instead of buying her a card, why not get DD to draw her a picture to include int he envelope of his own card. That way she gets some sentimental piece of paper from her granddaughter, and you don't have to feel bad about the whole card business.

One small piece of wisdom my mother gave me when I was dealing with cultural clashes with my MIL that involved big clashes with my beliefs. Remember she's going to be your mother in law for the rest of your life. Might sound silly but your stuck with her, either you have to bend over backwards and give into everything, or fight every clash tooth and nail and not give an inch, or find a way or building a middle ground, one where you get to make it really clear how you feel and that your compromising if you wish, but one that doesn't mean your whole relationship with your MIL isn't wracked in tension.

I can see its more than just the cards, and I know how you feel! xx

Dh was going to help dd to make a card for his mum and I had a very tiny strop at him about it. We compromised and got dd to sign dh's card (which I printed for him, incidentally, since he'd left it too late to buy one!).

MIL always writes the date in our children's birthday cards (as in "Feb 2006" or whatever). I think because we are supposed to keep them all for ever (his family don't know what the bin is for). I kept their first birthday card from each grandparent, but the rest get put in the "cutting & sticking" box.

I think it must be hard when you first have grandchildren. Up until then, Mothers' Day was about you. Now, your daughter is enjoying mothers' day for herself, or your son is making the day special for his wife, and the grandma has to take a back seat and let it happen (or cry and manipulate of course!).

On the one hand, it might be kind to buy your MIL the kind of cards she likes. But on the other hand, does she do the same for you?

My Mum buys dd loads of junk, and also some nice toys, clothes, books - but carrier bags full of stuff, every time we see her. But she's never been on her own with dd, never wants to do things with her. MIL never buys her much but she does get down on the floor and play with her, and take her to the park, bedtime stories, bathtime - as much hands-on involvement as she can get. Dd is 3 and she is not fooled by the presents. I don't think your dd will be fooled by the big cards either. They'll be excellent cutting&sticking fodder though.

It's finding a way round it that I'm stuggling with! There really is no middle ground.

I guess I do take a lot of steps back; Mother's Day was a bit of a flashpoint, from the jealousy point of view that I mentioned earlier. DH was really hurt that I was upset, but can't really see why.

I'm always really careful to choose her lovely cards, and to write something thoughtful inside. Really to show that not sending something that won't fit in a postbox doesn't mean that you are cold and heartless. DD did send her a birthday one, which I found difficult, but did anyway. Again, once she is a bit older (ie in the next few months!) DD will be making all of our cards, as she will be old enough, but I just can't see how sending cards from a 16 month old is anything other than plain daft!

Mamtuks: my DH was an only child, too... She was then a childminder for years, and is still obsessed with toddlers in a big way. Bless her; it's just about all she can talk about, and she finds it quite difficult that I haven't suddenly developed a need to talk about random kids that I'm never going to meet in quite the same way as she does! I still have a sneaking suspicion that, were I to fall under a bus, it would be seen rather more as an opportunity than than a tragedy!!

I like the idea of a picture in the same envelope, as a compromise, and I'm really relieved to see from some of the replies that my reaction doesn't mean that I'm a completely heartless cow! I was a rather worried. I'm happy to admit that it does run deeper than this, but you've put the finger on why Mother's Day got particularly under my skin.

It's not as if they don't get a nice pressie on Mother's day: we always send flowers and a card to our mothers. It's not as if we've ever signed each other's cards, and "opened the day up", as it were