How do you deal with sentimental Outlaws when you are anything but?

[Annner]

OK, so I come from a family in which Mothering Sunday (never Mother's Day) is a religious festival for you to show your appreciation to your MOTHER, and in which my own father told me not to send Father's Day cards, because it was made up by a greetings card company. He said that he wanted our recognition 365 days a year, not a piece of cardboard with a picture of a golfer on it once a year! We send birthday and Christmas cards, and recognise our anniversaries, but don't generally go over the top. Cards are generally plain, with a personal message. Basically, I have never set foot in Clintons.

Switch to MIL. Cards are huge, full of saccharine "poetry" and are always to "Son!" "Granddaughter" etc. She effectively is one of those people who measures how much she loves or is loved by the size and number of cards that she receives. On top of this she is always (rather unhealthily, in my view) competing with my mother for DD's affection. I had real problems with the outlaws being sent "Congratulations on becoming grandparents" cards (err - you did what, exactly???) and with them and all of their random mates sending DD "baby's first Christmas" cards. (err... she was four weeks old. And your point is??) Needless to say, they all went in the recycling, but...

I do not want DD to grow up with swallowing this sentimental old claptrap. I don't want her to think that big cheesy card = love. MIL kept EVERY SINGLE card that DH had ever been sent, from birth to 15. We lobbed most of them, as he had no idea who half of them were from (kind of proved my point...), but she was visibly upset by this and has asked whether we have kept DD's cards.

This evening I found out that DH had sent MIL a Mother's Day card - from DD, in addition to his own. DD is 16 months old, ffs. As I see it, this is between a mother and their child, not their grandparents. And now we have set a precedent.

I worry that we are laying the groundwork for her to get older thinking that Grandma does love her more than Granny does because she sends her more cheesy rubbish from Clintons. I want my child to be able to differentiate between sentiment and real emotions. So how on earth can I steer a middle course: it seems to me that you either have to go along with this rubbish (I just about managed to find a birthday card for Grandma that didn't make me want to vomit) but I really think that this is one card too far.

If DD decides to make one when she is older, that will be different. But buying one on her behalf to indulge someone who is quite sentimental enough already, and when I have already made it quite clear how awkward mawkish sentiment makes me feel??

I am livid. Bahh, humbug?, or can anyone empathise?

I really feel for you Anner. I know mine is going to get harder too. She lives in the USA and there is such a gaping cultural gap between us its untrue. My folks are old hippies basically and she and her hubby are your archetypal republicans living the american dream. She's already asking us to send DD over on a plane ON HER OWN!!!! to spend holidays with them, and she's only 2. I don't think I'll ever be able to do that. For a start I apart from the terror at sending my child alone with an airline that lost all DH's bags last week, I know she will in a week undo all the hard work I've done with DD. She was trying to feed her chocolate cake before she was weaned and "can't wait to take her for happy meals" aarrgghhh!

I keep reminding my self like a mantra that she's always going to be my MIL, so that I don't self destruct and start a war!

Fruitful - I am so much in agreement with you on the cutting and sticking box! I really believe that the more selective you are about which bits of paper you keep, the more meaningful they are later on. I still have the last birthday card my Granny sent me before she died, and the handwritten message has more significance than any naff verse ever could. But apart from my box of bits from DH (our first emails, awwww: see! I can do it!!) we are pretty selective. We don't have the space to do otherwise, even if we wanted to.

There does seem to be more and more of a tendency these days to try and hang to everything. I can't remember seeing keepsake boxes as a child, for example...

Anner I suspect Mothers Day in particular has got under your skin because you are your childs mother which is what the day is meant to represent and your child should only be sending one mothers day card (if any). My children dont send specific cards to other relatives ie. grandparents and aunts/uncles and likewise they dont buy separate presents for them either.

FWIW I am exactly like you ;)

As an extra point I find that playing MIL at her own game quite rewarding. A few years ago MIL wrote my birthday card "from mum and dad 2" (my own parents have died) despite asking dh's opinion and he suggested signing their actual names. She saw fit to do this and I was very offended by it and I think she knew that would hurt. That christmas I wrote their christmas card "to Mxxxx and Kxxxx from Jampot, Dh, dd, ds"

havent had a problem since but think the message got home

Jampots - I sort of did that with her birthday card from DD: I bought it AND wrote it, so it was in my handwriting, not DH's. But we put them both in the same envelope, as my compromise doesn't stretch to two stamps!! But it was a tasteful Quentin Blake card, and with a nice message, and not single word of OTT mush.

My DH fell out with his mum a few weeks ago. As a result he didn't send her a card this year. I feel awful. I know he did it to make a point but I also know, as a mother myself, she will feel the pain of not getting a card from her only son, but for me to go behind his back and send her one would have been wrong too.

I don't buy grandma cards, my dd made my Mother a picture at playgroup, she didn't make one for MIL, as any time she makes her something MIL says "Oh, nice" and then either puts it in a drawer or in the bin, right in front of us!

hmmm - well everyone at our church today got a little posey of flowers because "mothering" is done by just about anyone who cares for our children. What's that saying "anyone can be a father, but it takes a man to be a dad" - could probably be turned round to be "anyone can be a 'mother' but it takes a real woman to be a mum" - and that's what you are - her mum.

One definition of mothering is "to watch over, nourish"

know how you feel a bit Anner. DH sent a card to his Mum from the DSs but it wouldn't enter my mind to send one to mine from them - as you said, it's Mothering Sunday etc. TBH, it was as much as I could do to send a card to my Mum this year (but that's a whole other thread)
I think that this is one of those things that, unfortunately, goes with the territory (getting married, having babies, trying to reconcile 2 different ways of being brough up, expectations etc) As another poster has said, your daughter will learn that love doesn't come in an envelope.
My MIL spoils DS1 rotten with attention - she never says to him "I'm just talking to Mummy - I'll be with you in five mins" or similar so he assumes that she is there entirely for his entertainment - she is the one who suffers when he plays up because of it. She is also quite soppy about cards and things like that - I just have to let it lie - my Mum is completely opposite.

Even though I totally agree with you and on the one hand wish I had the courage to make as much of a stand against these things as you, I nevertheless feel that you come across as having your head right up your own arse.

My mother bends over backwards for me and the kids. Her present came from all of us (including dh). She bought her elderly neighbour that she's very close to (and childless) a card. I just see it as a chance to say a small thank you.

That's very sweet re the neighbour jimjams.
I'm sure she was greatly touched.

TBH it was probably nice for my mum as well as her own mother died in January. I think she has been sending the neighbour mother's day cards for a while, they kind of adopted each other. I've called her Granny for years. Anyway point being I don't think anyone really needs to get possessive over mother's day, it's just a chance to show appreciation.