I've said no to childminding dgs and now i feel thoroughly

[zippitippitoes]

rotten and miserable ..

dd and her dp both earn minimum wage in pub kitchens and I keep looking after dgs to help them out but he is getting too hard as he is inot everything and has just about stopped having a nap

my house is totally un suitable (full of stuff)no garden which is literally a building site as we are building a house in it

I work from home and spend all day at the computer and my room is chock full of retail stock

so when dgs is here he is pulling stuff out interfering with the computer crying when I'm on the phone and it is impossible and stressful

I work 6 days if not more a week and I still get behind

I asked dd to sort out a childminder before Christmas and she hasn't because she says she can't afford it but I can't get her to understand that i am being driven into the ground trying to run a business and building a house, dp is working 6 nights a week

Thanks for listening..

You can get some sort of credit/voucher thing to help pay for a childminder. Can't rememeber waht is called but helps to pay their fees. A childminder should be able to tell you what it is.

Don't feel bad - you have your own business to run by the sounds of it . How did they expect you to do that? COuld you offer one day a week maybe?

If your DD and her partner are both working, then they need to apply for working tax benefit. This pays up to 70% of childminding fees - If I remember correctly

don't feel bad,i wouldn't expect my mum to do that if she was working!

You could offer to help them fill in the tax credit forms on line but they need to have a cost for childcare to get credits for it. In other words they need to arrange some childcare and then fill in the forms PDQ.

Childtax credit will pay a good percentage of childcare costs, providing it is OFSTED.

I think your dd and her partner are being really selfish. They need to realise that you have got a job to do too and if they want to continue working themselves then they will have to pull there fingers out and look into what is available for them. My Mum would go mad if I ever treated her the way your being treated.

I agree with flutterbee.

another one who agrees with Flutterbee. I live 300 miles away from both my parents and in-laws and we manage without parental help. There comes a time when you have to stand on your own too feet and not rely on parents for free childcare

I'm lucky that both my parents are retired and love looking after DS (I'm not saying you don't, they said they have nothing else to do). You're working from home 6 days, your DP is working 6 days a week so effectively you're doing 2 jobs. Get your DD to talk to Citizens advice or follow any of the advice here to get what they are entitled to. It's not fair having you running yourself ragged.

Your customers and suppliers probably don't appreciate how stressful your life is and won't really understand if you have a little one kicking off in the background. Good luck with how this works out and hopefully a situation that everyone is happy with.

Blimey, don't feel guilty, that sounds incredibly hard. My parents look after the children, but a) theyre retired and b) the children are older, so it's just two days a week for 2 hours, and they don't need much entertaining. I agree, your dd just has to sort something out properly.

I have four kids and the grandparents virtually never look after them. They won't even babysit for my 40th birthday. I wouldn't dream of asking them to do it regularly so I could earn money. Now and again would be nice though.

What I'm saying is, you have no need to feel bad. You asked her before christmas to get a childminder. I think you've already been extremely generous. She's a lucky dd.

Thanks for the kind comments..she says she won't get help towards child care as they earn more than 12,000 between them..can this be right?

the trouble is that I feel so nasty putting my foot down but having him sometimes three or more days in a week for 8 hours at a time is just too impossible

I love him to bits but he is 21 months and just too much can't be left for a second and he gets (understandably) bored

She also never arranges beforehand when he is coming so I feel apprehensive everyday that they will turn up

I am trying to be firm this time but it's chewing me up.

I would have him one day a week if it could be the same day. But when i try this it creeps up again as other people she asks have got fed up too.

She says that people who have childminders have well paid jobs but I'm sure that isn't true..she just has to make a decision to find him care or stop working or get a better job, but whenI suggest any of these she riases difficulties.

12k between two people is incredibly low though, it can't be only below this level that you get help with childcare, surely?

tell her to take him to work with her and see what she says. then remind her thats what you are doing!

have you rung the tax credit helpline? no reason why they cant tell you how it works. you could even ask them to send you the forms and then give them to her to fill in

Sorry but I get really mad at the number of working parents that seem to think g-parents are there to provide unpaid childcare all the time. Mine look after my youngest most Wednesdays (when they are available) at THEIR desire, but never more than that. The rest of the time I pay a CM to do it. They are retired so perhaps they have the time, but they worked for that retirement and shouldn't be expected to spend all their waking hours looking after their g-children.

My M-i-l looked after all my s-i-l's kids until a few years ago including getting up at the crack of dawn to take the youngest to school until he was old enough to get there on his own. And she didn't enjoy it but didn't have the courage to say so.

Good for you for standing up for yourself.

my dp and i work minimum wage jobs, most of the last couple of years only he has worked as i've been preg or bf and found it impossible to get a job (but thats a whole differant thread!).

we have never, and would never expect help like this from family (and we wouln't get it if we asked!), they have their own lives and our kids were our choice to have, they've raised theirs already.

IMO you dd is taking advantage of you in the worst possible way, is she even contributing what little bit of money she can, or is all the babysitting done for free?

she chose to have her ds, now she needs to take responsibility.

She's pulling a fast one. Childcare does cost, but you'd have to be earning £59,000 between to qualify for nothing at all. The Daycare Trust has a lot of information on this.

I feel very angry on your behalf. She wouldn't take him to her job, so how are you expected to have him around with yours? I work four days, and use a childminder to make this possible.

She will get plenty of help if they are only recieving 12k between them, ring up child credits helpline and just ask them how much roughly one could expect to get on that kind of wage they will tell you straight out.

Thanks for the kind comments..she says she won't get help towards child care as they earn more than 12,000 between them..can this be right?

the trouble is that I feel so nasty putting my foot down but having him sometimes three or more days in a week for 8 hours at a time is just too impossible

I love him to bits but he is 21 months and just too much can't be left for a second and he gets (understandably) bored

She also never arranges beforehand when he is coming so I feel apprehensive everyday that they will turn up

I am trying to be firm this time but it's chewing me up.

I would have him one day a week if it could be the same day. But when i try this it creeps up again as other people she asks have got fed up too.

She says that people who have childminders have well paid jobs but I'm sure that isn't true..she just has to make a decision to find him care or stop working or get a better job, but whenI suggest any of these she riases difficulties.

sorry had a screen freezing moment! Didn't intend to post twice!

If htey only earn 12K between them they are surely entitled to a fair chunk of childrens tax credits. You have to earn over about £60K between you to get none. How old is dgs? Nursery is funded for 3 year olds.

I am sure that on 12k between them she's get some help. It sounds like being firm is the only way - don't give her the chance to raise difficulties. Once she had childcare established then you could perhaps offer to start taking him one (set day ) a week and she'd appreciate the savings I'm sure.

Thank you for all your support, it's so hard to know how to handle it

He is 2 in April

I'm sure she gets tax credits, but I sahll try and get her to ring up..she is so defeatist with all these things

If I find her better jobs to apply for she always has a reason why she won't apply

She is in a comfort zone that's part of the trouble.

zippi, your dd would be eligible for childcare element of the working tax credit

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i'm sorry zippity but she sounds like a lazy cow who knows when she's got it easy and has no shame at taking advantage. i'm sorry if that's harsh but i can't stand people who take advantage of grandparents good nature like this the rest of us struggle through and support our children ourselves, why should she be any differant, she chose to have her son, she needs to start taking care of him.

sorry again if i sound harsh but you sound like such a sweet helpful mom and gran, it's a shame to hear you're in such a horrible situation.