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Original poster

I've said no to childminding dgs and now i feel thoroughly

47 replies

zippitippitoes · 22/03/2006 11:48

rotten and miserable ..

dd and her dp both earn minimum wage in pub kitchens and I keep looking after dgs to help them out but he is getting too hard as he is inot everything and has just about stopped having a nap

my house is totally un suitable (full of stuff)no garden which is literally a building site as we are building a house in it

I work from home and spend all day at the computer and my room is chock full of retail stock

so when dgs is here he is pulling stuff out interfering with the computer crying when I'm on the phone and it is impossible and stressful

I work 6 days if not more a week and I still get behind

I asked dd to sort out a childminder before Christmas and she hasn't because she says she can't afford it but I can't get her to understand that i am being driven into the ground trying to run a business and building a house, dp is working 6 nights a week

Thanks for listening..

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 22/03/2006 13:08

Damn, zippity, it sounds like you have a really full plate. You shouldn't feel bad, looking after wee ones is tough even when they're your own.

She needs to look at getting child tax credit to put him in nursery.

We also manage two kids and three jobs between us with no support - my parents live far away and the ILs are in ill health.

C'est la vie!

fruitful · 22/03/2006 13:15

This is a good site for working out what she would be entitled to -

\link{http://www.entitledto.co.uk/under60.asp\www.entitledto.co.uk}

teabelly · 22/03/2006 13:49

Fruitful - fab link - thanks!

Zippi - I agree with the others. We have ds (3yrs 9mths) at a nursery and mil very kindly offered to look after dd (9mths) free of charge. I work 2 1/2 days so she was happy to cover this time, but I would never have presumed she would have any of our children if she hadn't volunteered. In lieu of payment as she can't drive, and fil died some years ago, we take her out whenever she needs a car aswell as treating her to days/evenings out, small compensation for her help but something she at least will allow us to do. As others have said you've had your children and your dd's children are not your responsibility. Your dd really is taking the michael, especially as you are working yourself, albeit from home, but it is work none-the-less. I liked the earlier comment someone made about asking her to take her ds into work and see how she liked it . Stick to your guns, it's hard but worth it in the long run, some people unfortunately don't appreciate the help they are given until it's taken away.

Original poster

zippitippitoes · 22/03/2006 13:51

I've checked out the sites you gave me and printed off some info, extremely useful

I tried the entitled to with an income of 17,000 and it gave 2241 for CTC and 4613 for WTC if i said that she paid 140.00 a week for approved childcare..I shall get her to do it when she next comes (probably in a sulk now)

Without childcare the WTC was 0 so I assume that is just a childcare element so she is wrong obviously..

I think she is reluctant to pay for his childcare, because when I have said about better paid work before she has said (apart from I would find it boring) that she would then just pay more tax so it wouldn't be worth it and she doesn't want to not work because that would be boring too..well that's life isn't it

OP posts:

teabelly · 22/03/2006 13:56

...she'd only pay 22% tax on extra income so she'd still get to keep 78% of any extra earned!!!

colditz · 22/03/2006 14:09

She is in the same situation as my partner and I workwise, we got around this by working opposite shifts. We get about 70% of any childcare we do use paid for though.

If she is a bit lazy about organising stuff like that, sort out a childmider for her then just don't answer the door. She is treating you really badly, I would never dream of doing this to my mum and she only lives a 20 minute walk away!

Bozza · 22/03/2006 14:10

Yes she would definitely be entitled to quite a bit of help towards childcare. The other option is for her to work different hours than her DP. Since you said they worked in pub kitchens, could one of them do evening shifts or weekends so that the other could look after the little boy?

Bozza · 22/03/2006 14:11

Oh snap Colditz.

wannaBe1974 · 22/03/2006 14:11

zippy tbh I think that while you're still prepared to look after your grandson your dd will put off finding a childminder. So what I would do is give her a notice period, after all that's what a qualified childminder would do. Tell her that as of 4 weeks from today, you're no longer able to look after her DS, so that will mean she'll actually have to make the effort to find childcare, don't be flexible on it, if she turns up unanounced with her DS after your agreed date, then simply tell her that you had told her that you were anable to help her, that you have a business to run, and that she will have to make other arrangements. I know that it will be hard and might cause some friction in the short term, but I think that the hard way is the only way she will listen to.

good luck

gscrym · 22/03/2006 14:59

She sounds like someone I know. Won't do anything that'll change the comfort zone. She is entitled to more, the advert tells you that. What would she do if (heaven forbid), something happened to you. You are extremely tolerent to have done it thus far. If you didn't work from home then she would have to make alternative arrangements. Couldn't she do shifts in a call centre? It'd be more money. As for £12000 per year being too much, isn't minimum wage over £5 an hour? If her and her partner are on £12k, are they part-time?

flutterbee · 22/03/2006 15:08

If dh and I earn £28k then we will still get some help with childcare costs (I've just spoken to wftc), she told me if childcare was £150 a week then they would contribute about £50 of it so I have no idea where she gets the £12k from.

I stick by my original post.

Original poster

zippitippitoes · 22/03/2006 15:09

I'm sure they do get paid more than 12,000 between them..but she mentioned the figure of 12,000 as the cut off point for child care costs being contributed to through tax credits..but clearly she is wrong

they are definitely both on minimum wage

OP posts:

Blu · 22/03/2006 15:13

Tell her that sonce you can't do YOUR job while your gs is there, you will have to charge her for childcare!

Zippi - you have given her warning, it is down to her to sort the solution - and not your responsibility to worry about the tax credits / allowances, etc. Point her in the direction of the info, tell her gently and firmly that such and sy=uch a date will be the last time you can act as her childminder (with or without one regular short slot a week - up to you), and leave her to it.

Original poster

zippitippitoes · 22/03/2006 15:20

You are right..

I know that she would rather there wasn't a problem and if there is then Mum would sort it out

She just doesn't like having to deal with these things, but head in the sand mentality doesn't work.

I shall give her the info and resist her efforts to make me feel guilty/uncaring

OP posts:

yeamam · 22/03/2006 15:29

Damn well tell her you have raised your children and now it's up to her to do the same! That's what my mum said to my brother and it stood 14 grandchildren later!! She gladly has them for a few hours as and when, or if we wanted a night out, but she is not a childminder for any of us.
I have a childminder I got myself!
I agree that earnings of £12,000 between them is not enough to pay a childminder.. but therefore they should be entitled to get it paid for them.

expatinscotland · 22/03/2006 15:36

Zippity you've already given her a notice period. You asked her before Xmas. That was 3 months ago.

I'd give her a fortnight and then not be home or answer the door when she comes round.

Sorry but I wouldn't dream of doing that to my mum. She's 64-years-old and even though she's in fab shape she doesn't have the energy to look after a little kid all the time.

Besides, she's already done her fair share in bringing us up.

She deserves to have her own life and space.

Original poster

zippitippitoes · 22/03/2006 15:48

I actually asked her last summer!

I said once I got into the Autumn I would find it impossible as very busy leading up to Christmas, but I managed

I still have responsibilities for one thing and another for dd1 who is at uni and Ds who is in his final year at school and hoping to go to uni

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 22/03/2006 15:49

I'd say she is taking advantage of you then, zippity. Don't let it happen anymore and don't feel guilty. You deserve a break after raising three kids and working as much as you do.

Honestly, too, you'll probably enjoy dgs more if you're not having to mind him all the time.

LucyJones · 22/03/2006 19:08

really hope you manage to sor this out. What will she do in years to come - school runs etc if she relies on you all the time. You can hardly work from home and ferry her kids to school and back can you? Good luck xxx

WharfRat · 22/03/2006 19:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

WestCountryLass · 22/03/2006 22:00

I don't think you should feel bad though of course you will because it is your GS and DD. Might be a bit harsh but unless you promised them unlimited childminding when she was PG/baby was small it is not your problem that they can't afford to pay someone (I know that sounds terrible but not meaning to be horrible).

getbakainyourjimjams · 22/03/2006 22:05

My mother is wonderful- she really helps out with my 3 (and is the only person I can completely rely on to cope with severlely autistic ds1- she moves into our house and has him for a eek so we can take the other 2 away). She also works full time. If I behaved like your dd is and just turned up and expected instant childcare, or routinely expected her to have ds3 (14 months) for 8 hours at a time she would tell me to get stuffed without any hesitation. Your dd has a child who is her responsibility, not yours.

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