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Original poster

My mother makes me so angry !! Why is she like this ?

30 replies

Norah · 20/03/2006 11:33

I feel a bit old to be ranting about my mother - as I am 39 and she is 73 - but she makes me so bloody mad !!

We've never really got on - she says she liked me up until I started school and then I "changed" and she went off me ! Probably means that I got some opinions and my own personality !!

Anyway - she is quite a nasty person (imo of course) and over the years has undermined me and really affected my self-esteem. She is quite a pessimist - glass is half-empty person, which by nature I am not - and I really find she drags me down. She has tried with various friends, and even once with dh, to turn them against me, by constructing an argument with me and then acting all hurt, crying etc, as though it was me in the wrong. the trouble is that I think she really believes that !

A year ago she and my father came to stay with us for a couple of nights and she was spoiling for a row the entire time. She chose her time well - waiting until my father was in the shower and dh in his office - so just me, dd and her there. She then proceeded to start a row, cry and then tell my dd what a nasty piece of work, evil person etc I am. Poor dd (5) did not know what to do.

Mother denies all this ever happened ! She also denies pretty much every other argument too - has even accused me of being deluded etc. Fortunately dh has witnessed many and confirms that it is not me !

Anyway - after this episode last year I decided to put some distance beweeen us and dh and I agreed that we shouldn't have them to stay again - which we haven't - and we have barely seen them apart from a few short visits.

Anyhow - she is now angling to come and stay again - playing her "we never see gdd" card - and I feela bit guilty about it - but not sure how to play it ?

she has already said they want to come for a whole week - which I have said No to as we both work full time and they are bloody hard work (do nothing and expect everything) - but now she is looking at dates for a weekend - I am dreading it already !

Anyone got any advice ?

I've tried so many times to explain to her how her attitude affects me - and she just writes it off as me making things up - I really think in her head she sees herself as a really nice person !

Argh - sorry to woffle - normally happy sane person here in panic mode at prospect of seeing her own mother !!

OP posts:
colditz · 20/03/2006 11:35

Just say no. I really would just say no.

Caligula · 20/03/2006 11:42

Firstly, stop trying to reason with her. Reason only works with reasonable people, and your mother is a nutter so it won't work with her. Accept the fact that she's a loon and you'll be able to deal with it better - you'll be able to remember that although you can't control her behaviour, you can control your responses to it. If she "starts a row" don't rise to it, remind yourself (as you do with a child "I am the adult, s/he is the child") "she is the loony, I am the sane rational adult here" and deflect her the same as you would a child, or leave the room - her version of time out! Don't have a row with her - I know that's easier said than done, but she can only have a row with you if you enter into her mad world. Keep in your own sane world, and accept the fact that you can't drag her into it -she's in lala land, remember.

It's tough, because it's unlearning a lifetime of responses, but it will make you feel more in control and not dread her coming to visit so much. It's a technique I use with my (bonkers) mother and although there are still times when I rise to the bait and get pulled into the sheer mentalness of her world, 80% of the time I manage to stay out of it.

littlemisspiggy · 20/03/2006 11:51

I would forget the trying to be nice approach. Be firm and lay down the ground rules. If they want to see their gdd it's on your times re timing, length of visit and especially behaviour. Tell her you will stand for no more crap take it or leave it. It's out of order that she is manipulating your young daughter and she must know that you will not tolerate it or she will just not be allowed to see her anymore. No doubt you will get called evil and cruel and there will be tears but be firm and call her bluff. Good luck

Original poster
Norah · 20/03/2006 11:54

Thank you both,

So it's not just me with this problem then ? To everyone in her village she is the nice old lady down the lane - Whenever I go there I get black looks as though I am horrible to her - I guess that they don't see this side of her - and to be honest - don't really care what they think !

I'd love to say No - bt I feel sorry for my Dad - he's not at all well and adores dd - unfortunately seeing them separately wouldn't be poss as they live far away.

You're right though - I have to be the adult - have tried it before - but she brings out my inner child I think and I end up saying what I think !

Even dd says she doesn't love grandma because she is not a nice lady ! And I have never put those words in her mouth. It's so hard, so very hard.

OP posts:
Original poster
Norah · 20/03/2006 11:57

Hi littlemisspiggy (great name btw !) - I've done that a few times - but she just cries and gets the sympathy vote - and really it's my poor Dad who gets caught between us. He knows she's a mad old cow - but has stuck with her for 40 years poor man !

If it wasn't for my Dad I would probably cut all ties to be honest. Guilt huge though as I am only child !

OP posts:
Original poster
Norah · 20/03/2006 12:48

Do you think she is really a nutter ?

Only me and the family really see this side of her - no doctor would ever have - so I just don't know !

I've aften wondered whether she has depression of some sort ? Don't know a lot about it really - just that she is bloody hard work !

OP posts:
fimbo · 20/03/2006 12:57

Norah - my mother is the same especially with the waterworks, my dd will defend her to the hilt - although he knows what she is like. I am also an only child which I think has a lot to do with it. I have lost count at the amount of arguments I have had with them both over the years, although it has got noticeably worse since I moved to England (they live in Scotland). Since my ds's arrival we do not have room (although if I really wanted to, I could squeeze them in) for them to stay with us, so they now either stay in the local b & b or a hotel, which takes the pressure of slightly. I think Caligula gave good advice about trying not to get into arguments with her but I know to well its very very difficult. I am sorry I don't have any more advice but I just wanted you to know you are not alone. I am happy to talk off the board or on MSN if you want.

fimbo · 20/03/2006 12:57

sorry dd should be dad

CarolinaMoon · 20/03/2006 12:59

my gran was like this - she was really popular with her acquaintances but with close friends and family she was a manipulative loon and particularly evil to my mum (her only child).

Did your mum have a difficult relationship with her own parents? That's happened in my Gran's case I think, and it's very hard to unlearn what you grew up with, especially if you're not aware it's a problem iyswim.

fimbo · 20/03/2006 12:59

my grammar is awful today - sorry.

Original poster
Norah · 20/03/2006 13:05

My mother was one of two children - she was the eldest although I think her db was probably favourite. My Nan was really lovely - and my Mother idolised her - to the extent that she had little time for me as she was too busy still being her mother's daughter iyswim. My Nan lived with us all my life after my grandfather died when I was a tiny baby. I have thought so hard about all this - and really I think there was no room for me in the relationship - it was like i was the third person and was pushed out to a degree.

When I was 11 my uncle was killed in a car crash and looking back I think both my mum and Nan were very very depressed for a long time after that. It was around then that my mother really turned on me.

My nan died when I was 19 or so and away at college - she was very ill for a few years and my mum nursed her until she died. They were very close and in some ways I suppose mother mourns that relationship - and that may be why she is so jealous of other people's close realtionships with their daughters - but I really feel she pushed me away a very long time ago.

I sound like such a sad sack ! really I am very happy in my life - just trying to work out what went wrong for me and my mother so I can stop it happenening to me and dd !

OP posts:
Original poster
Norah · 20/03/2006 13:08

Fimbo - sorry meant to say thanks ! Haven't got MSN at the mo - will see what I can do ! Would be great to talk to someone in same situation - feel such a freak if I ask any RL friends - they all adore their mums and get loads of support from them !

OP posts:
Caligula · 20/03/2006 13:10

Honestly Norah, nuttiness is so much more common than people acknowlege. but because usually it's not a social nuisance (just a personal one) it's not really recognised or discussed. Loads of people are bonkers like this, and it's just not discussed at all, so people don't recognise it and develop management strategies! And it's only low-level nuttiness, and by the time we're old enough to realise it, the people concerned are too old and set in their ways to have the motivation or perhaps ability to benefit from changing, so we just have to put up with it. It's very wearing though, so best tactic is to keep visits short and try not to be alone with her!

Original poster
Norah · 20/03/2006 13:12

Hmmmm - sort of low level nuttiness ?

OP posts:
Caligula · 20/03/2006 13:31

Grin Yes I think that's the technical term!

Original poster
Norah · 20/03/2006 13:50

I suppose she's too old to change now - thinking back I think she was very much under her mother's thumb and I have never ever been under hers - maybe it is my fault afyter all ?

Can mother and daughter ever really be incompatible ?

I just love my dd so much I cannot imagine being this mean to her - ever !

OP posts:
fimbo · 20/03/2006 13:56

I always wanted (for some reason) to have a mother who wanted to do things like going and having your eyebrows waxed together etc, my mother would faint at the very idea, but it is the kind of thing I visualise that dd and I will do in the future.

Troutpout · 20/03/2006 14:04

Could you go and stay near them in a cheap hotel for the weekend ? Then they get to see your dd...but you will sort of have it all on your terms...and can take them or leave them

Original poster
Norah · 20/03/2006 14:10

Oh don't !!! My dearest friend still lives in the same town as them and last time we visited we stayed with my friend - my dd loves her dds and thinks of them as her cousins - so they all had a fab sleepover, and we got to drink and chat in the evening - my mother was not happy !!! We did go for lunch at mothers the nexy day and stayed for hours and hours !

Still going on about it now in the "I was very very upset and hurt that you chose to stay at x's not at home". She cannot understand that if "x" lived elsewhere she wouldn't have even seen us for lunch ! Jealous woman my mother !

Introducing a hotel into the equation would enflame it all even more !

OP posts:
4blue1pink · 20/03/2006 14:15

i would say NO but them my mum is a Nutter Norah and i have not seen her in years.

My dad asked if he could see my next to last baby when he was born and dp just told him 'no' but explained why...

Personally i would concentrate on getting all good with dh and dd rather than waste time on your Mum but then thats probably harsh as 100% of the world has a better one than me!

CarolinaMoon · 20/03/2006 14:28

Norah, it's not your fault.

Think you are doing pretty well tbh to be happy and sane in the face of that kind of treatment.

It is a bit cheeky of your mother to demand a relationship with your dd while making so little effort with you.

Agree about getting your parents to stay nearby rather than in your house, much less pressure all round.

CarolinaMoon · 20/03/2006 14:30

oops, just seen your last post - can they stay near you instead of you near/with them?

spidermama · 20/03/2006 14:32

When I was having problems with my mum someone on here referred me to \link{http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0553814826/qid=1142865037/sr=8-1/ref=sr_8_xs_ap_i1_xgl/202-0565193-3141413\this book} and it was really helpful. My mum and your mum have quite a bit in common by the sound of it. Angry

You have my sympathies.

Original poster
Norah · 20/03/2006 14:40

Ooh thanks - I have just ordered it and saw another called "Why you and your mother can't be friends" so ordered that one too !

It's taking up too much of my time - I had thought of going to counselling - but is it really my problem - not sure - feel I can just compartmentalise her to a degree !

God - that woman !!

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Original poster
Norah · 20/03/2006 14:42

Hi carolinamoon, sorry wasn't ignoring you then !

problem is that we have quite a big house - so I can't use the no room excuse - so it would be seen as a very big rebuff - specially when mil and fil stay here quite often ! Mother is very jealous of MIL - but then MIL is helpful, does things with dd and above all is not a malicious old moo !

Would just make it worse I think.

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