My mother makes me so angry !! Why is she like this ?

[Norah]

I feel a bit old to be ranting about my mother - as I am 39 and she is 73 - but she makes me so bloody mad !!

We've never really got on - she says she liked me up until I started school and then I "changed" and she went off me ! Probably means that I got some opinions and my own personality !!

Anyway - she is quite a nasty person (imo of course) and over the years has undermined me and really affected my self-esteem. She is quite a pessimist - glass is half-empty person, which by nature I am not - and I really find she drags me down. She has tried with various friends, and even once with dh, to turn them against me, by constructing an argument with me and then acting all hurt, crying etc, as though it was me in the wrong. the trouble is that I think she really believes that !

A year ago she and my father came to stay with us for a couple of nights and she was spoiling for a row the entire time. She chose her time well - waiting until my father was in the shower and dh in his office - so just me, dd and her there. She then proceeded to start a row, cry and then tell my dd what a nasty piece of work, evil person etc I am. Poor dd (5) did not know what to do.

Mother denies all this ever happened ! She also denies pretty much every other argument too - has even accused me of being deluded etc. Fortunately dh has witnessed many and confirms that it is not me !

Anyway - after this episode last year I decided to put some distance beweeen us and dh and I agreed that we shouldn't have them to stay again - which we haven't - and we have barely seen them apart from a few short visits.

Anyhow - she is now angling to come and stay again - playing her "we never see gdd" card - and I feela bit guilty about it - but not sure how to play it ?

she has already said they want to come for a whole week - which I have said No to as we both work full time and they are bloody hard work (do nothing and expect everything) - but now she is looking at dates for a weekend - I am dreading it already !

Anyone got any advice ?

I've tried so many times to explain to her how her attitude affects me - and she just writes it off as me making things up - I really think in her head she sees herself as a really nice person !

Argh - sorry to woffle - normally happy sane person here in panic mode at prospect of seeing her own mother !!

Look you don't want her staying with you coz she is a mean old moo.She has done this Norah...not you. Go stay with your friend...have a few beers and a good time...and see the old moo/ let her see dd at the same time. Frankly ...i think you are being utterly gracious to skirt around her like this.
You never know anyway ...it might finally sink in
that she needs to buck up her ideas...i reckon it's got to be worth taking a bit of flack anyway.
Good luck you.

You're right - I know - it's just the guilt thing.

You're supposed to love your mum, mind you your mum is supposed to love you. And there's dd to think of - what if I am depriving my dd of a great grandma ? Can someone be a vile mum but a great grandma ?

What if dd repeats the pattern with me and cuts me out of her life ???

Norah, she'll only repeat the pattern if you repeat the pattern of your mother.

Patterns are a worry, but they don't control us. Insight and understanding will help you avoid repeating the damaging and negative behaviour of your mother.

Hi Norah - I have only read your origonal post so I am sorry if others have already said this

I suspect that the locals in her village give you funny looks because she has told them what an awful daughter you are - which of course isnt true but no doubt they believe it

If it were me I would insist they stay in a hotel/b&b locally to where you live for a weekend - instead of actually with you. This option gives you a lot more space from them and you dont have to do all the extra cooking cleaning etc. If money is a problem perhaps you could go halves or something!

I wouldnt dream of having my parents to stay in our house if it was big enough, even if I got on really well with them :o

Now I have read your posts and see that hotels arent an option

For me though I would put my foot down and say (tactfully or not as you like!) wouldnt she be more comfortable in a hotel!!

After all I am sure you wouldnt consider allowing a friend who upset you come to stay for a week - SHe is your mother but you neednt accept c$*p from her :o