Anyone ever feel sad and lonely in their own home?

[lisalisa]

Apologies for the morbid post but I am feeling very blue at the moment.

I think its a combination of a few things - feeling alienated from my kids ( older ones at the moment) and worn down by caring for my lively gorgeous toddler and the general drudgery of the 3 meals a day routine and trying to keep the house reasonably tidy. Dh busy a lot so can't help very much .

I also feel as if I have no friends - recently returned from a holiday abroad and seems no-one knew or cared that I had gone or was back. I know people like me but I crave some close female relationships - friends to go out to lunch with and laugh and share good times as well as sad with . All my circle of acquaintances either work or are too busy generally to nurture this type of close active friendship.

I also miss my father terribly. He died in June last year of cancer and I nursed him through the last few months. I don't think I really grieved properly as my toddler was a young baby and the rest of the household needed me so although I cried a bit and thought about dad I tried to put the lid on things and never really indulged my very intense sense of grief.

Last thing is I am due to have a small op in a week's time - nothing to worry about but just adds to misery.

I feel down and lonely and fed up . Fantasised today about leaving note for hubby and kids that I am leaving with toddler as too fed up and lonely and depressed to stay.

To the outside world I appear a succesful juggler of career and motherhood with the usual busy routine and gaggle of happy kids.

Anyone else feel like this or can empathise?

Yes, I feel like this sometimes.

It is interestingthat you talkabout the death of your father.

I never felt like this until my mum died 6 yearsago, but now I feel it quite often. I suspect it is related to that, and I suspect yours is too. Especially where you talk about no one caring that you were on holiday. That feeling of isolation comes from grief.

hth x

Thanks orangesandlemons - that is very interesting and I am sorry you also feel like that . Perhaps it is because we have lost the ones who cared the most about us? I know that no-one ever loved me or understood me or will love me like my dad and I feel quite bereft.

Me. Most mornings I wake up I wonder how I'm going to get through the day with my lively pre-schooler and adorable but full on baby. I would never leave but I've fantasised many a time about what life would be like without them.

I feel like a very lonely single mum a lot of the time (dh works long hours and is often too tired at weekends to function normally in a way a parent of two full on kids should)

I, too, lost my mum nearly two years ago and feel I have never really had a chance to come to terms with her death (she had a long term illness but her death happened very suddenly and unexpectedly). Since having my baby daughter last year, I have felt the loss of bond with my mum even more keenly, which has been compounded by the unending sadness of knowing she will never enjoy the funny, quirky little things my 3 year old ds is coming out with, and seeing both my dcs growing up into such exceptional little people.

None of my close friends live in the same city and due to our differing lifestyles and family lives, I don't get to see them much these days. I do have some mum friends but ds is quite challenging so even those get togethers are not exactly conducive to maintaining good friendships.

To cap it all, I just don't have the energy or enthusiasm to go the extra mile of effort to go out in the evenings - I'm always aware of the knock on effect the next day of being tired and unable to catch up with lost sleep. I get twitchy if I'm up past 10pm these days

Most of my friends say they are envious of my life - on the surface, I have a lovely house, two great kids, a good looking, hard working and attentive dh but underneath I am addled with anxiety about my ds, the monotony of the routine, the tiredness and juggling a job which I don't feel I have the time to devote to adequately, not in the way I'd like anyway. If any other problem pops up, it sends me into a bit of a spin and I get depressed very easily.

There, you see, I completely empathise

have you tried what I do, which is do one single thing just for you each day?

I have a list of things that work when things start seeming mundane/i start feeling invisible/fed up:

• a walk with your toddler to nearest shop for chocolate/cafe for a cuppa
• a big bowl of pasta and cheeeeeeese and a diet coke (usually helps)
• a comfort blanket around me acts as the perfect hug. and a biscuit
• reading a recipe book and planning meals for the week (i love cooking)
• a new something (not expensive, could be a shower gel or sthing)

hth

but give yourself permission to feel like this, you have had a lot going on

is your DH understanding?

mrtumbles - you could be me 6mths ago. I went to GP, broke down, had a good chat, he prescribed 5mg ecalitopram/lexapro each day and it has given me new life

i had PND but didnt think I did, as was keeping it all together. for. so. long.

also take 1000mg tablet of evening primrose oil daily (healthfood shops)

and i HAVE to get a 30 minute walk each day, DCs have to come too usually

I always thought i'd never have to take antiD's but wish I had just done it sooner, I am no longer anxious about simple things, and I am less tired

Thanks both . Yes dh is ok . We have never unfortunatley had the type of relationship where we really let rip emotioinally and confide in eachother. He is not comfortable with displays of emotion and is a problem solving type of person ( he had a very bad upbringing with lots of issues ). He is a kind man and a good dad but we just don't connect deeply. Apart from some ups and downs this has never been a huge issue during 19 years of marriage.

I like the idea of doing one thing per day for me and funny enough your list madda is similar to what mine might be too. Does this actually make you feel better though?

My feelings have been creeping up on me a bit too much in last few weeks and spent much of today on and off in tears, mostly thinking about Dad.

i think you should talk to your GP, or give them what you have written here if it's easier

I was putting off talking to my GP for a long time, trying to hide my sadness, but then thought I am sick of feeling sad, and more importantly did I want our DCs remembering a miserable mum or a strong healthy one?

he may be able to help you as you have deeper emotions running around inside after the events you describe, maybe you need to get it out to another person in confidence?

Your DH - I dont know what to say, if you are happy that he doesnt communicate on an emotional level, thatts ok. I know my DH and I dont share great chats as we're usually so knackered, but i know he understands me, but there are still things i couldnt talk out loud about with him which is just because of me being a private person more than anything

lisa -I think you should chat to your GP. You have been bereaved and not been able to deal with it because of the demands on you. Those demands are normal but sometimes...just sometimes YOU need to be cared for rather than do all the caring.

Exercise is fantastic for sweeping away the days stresses. I always feel better for a good walk

those little things dont magically make me feel better for the rest of the week, but they remind me that I am important

and the blanket or the new showergel offers me a comfort and something to look forward to next morning early when I need to get out of bed, at least i know i have a new showergel to help me get out of bed on those days I know are going to be looooong

I do but I am overcoming depression an anxiety. Motherhood is amazing but can be very lonely and stressful.

Dh is great but works long hrs. I have a good family and a few friends but they have lives as well and somedays seem to last a lifetime.

I second the blanket thing. I have been know to put on pjs and give myself a hug with my blanket. I also think its really important to treat yourself to something nice like a new body cream/ shower gel etc, it help to make me feel special.

Hi lisa

Losing your dad is a big thing especially after you spent time nursing him. I lost my dad before I had kids and it took me an eon to get over it so cannot imagine how hard it is to manage it while you are in the thick of young family.

I found it really hard to talk to just normal friends/ partner about it so it did help to see a bereavement counsellor but I can imagine that even that might be rather difficult (in a practical sense) when you have young children. I can also understand that your DP might not be the best person in this circumstance - sometimes when you talk about someone dying you need to talk about a lot of history which might not fit in too well with your DP relationship.

I was going to say have you contacted CRUSE but having looked at their website it seems a bit rubbish about actually directing you to someone to talk to. So yes - agree with people who suggest seeing your GP - they might be able to direct you to a suitable person.

Good luck - losing a parent is really hard.

I agree with exercise, treats etc as well as decent healthy food (and choccies), but I'm held together by my anti depressant medication.

I have a great life, I wouldn't change a thing. But it's haaaaard.

Speak to your GP, they're there to listen and help.

madda thanks.

I've been on Citalopram on the past but never got on with it really - I think I may go back and see what else the doc suggests.

You mention 'keeping it together' - well, this is my specialism! Probably too much, which is why I think I get anxiety, as internalising all my feelings is the only way I can cope. A few people who I've always been reasonably close and chosen to tell about my anxiety have genuinely been shocked as they never would have guessed.

Hi, my mam died 8 yr ago on xmas day, I was late for work and as I hung up she died of a brain heamorage, I found her the day after when I realised she hadn't txt or rang. Utterly devastating, she never met her grandson but please please believe me when I say time is a great healer. I never thought I would ever be able to mention her without breaking down.
After my son was born 3 yr ago it was raked back up big style, I ended up with pnd, my gp was great, they didn't judge or send health visitors round thinking I couldn't cope, instead they supported me immensely!
I currently live in a small village and I'm so isolated, going back to work for 30hrs a week was a welcome break, I was sick with nerves at 1st, but it gave me a regular break and welcome distraction, 2yrs on I'm off the antidepressants and feel more positive.
I'm sure with the right support you too will be more positive. Talk to anyone who will listen, just getting little bits off your chest every now and then is 100% better than keeping it in and letting it build up.
I do still have odd down days, like yesterday it would of been my mams 58th birthday.
I take the ups and the downs better, and I know you will too.
I wish you well, please talk to someone soon, you aren't alone, and I hope you find happiness soon.

also, daily goals - if i am up and showered and able to smile and say good morning to one other mum at school drop off, i have achieved much - that is how much i've had to take he pressure off myself

otherwise i would have combusted internally...

Thanks all. I think I will go for counselling for bereavement. My mum still does and she has recovered much better. I have read all your kind posts thank you all.

Re Exercise - I used to exercise daily when toddler was small as I could bring her to classes and she would sit on the floor and play but then it became impossible. She is starting a playgroup next week so I'm hoping to return to exercise in a few weeks and I echo those comments that it really helps .

Love the idea of hugging myself in a blanket with a nice shower gel too.

At hte moment I hug one of my dad's jumpers. It was the only one I took from mum and dad's house as it had dad's very distinctive smell - an " old man" smell if you know what i mean - just warm an dhomely. Amazingly after over one year it still smells as strong. I only smell it and hug it occasionally an devery time I do the strength and intensity of the feelings that overwhelm me surprise me. I feel as if I am actually hugging dad and it is an enormous comfort.

Anyone gone out and made new friends at this stage of life - I really feel I need some close female friends to just share smalll things with and lighten atmosphere /feelings.

Feel very estranged from my teenage children too. I know the teenage years but my 15 yr old daughter is exceptionally difficult and there is constantly either a bad atmosphsere between her and me or we are not talking at all. She is close to my dh and seeing them sitting hugging or snuggled together just makes me feel more depressed

lisa - I struggle with exercise because DC is very resistent and dragging a moany 10 yr old on my hikes is not conducive to any stress release

Friends... this is also an issue for me. I work full time and then spend the rest of my time with DC. I feel as if I leave them during the day I can't do it in the evening. Most of my friends don't work full time and so meet in daytimes. Weekends are family time (for them) so I have become pretty isolated. I'm not actually sure of a way forward for me here

and teenagers!!! Don't get me started on teenagers

Argh - how do you manage with a toddler and teenage children! Respect Crikey - no wonder you feel worn down - even without the loss of your dad. With all this going on it must be so hard to deal with lsoing your dad - I imagine you feel that everyone expects you to still be good ol' mum while you feel 100% not like that inside. Can you tell your DH about how you feel - I can't imagine that he would be anything other than supportive.

Re making new friends - not sure how old you are but if you have a toddler that is quite a good "in" to potential friendships such as toddler groups/ primary school mums etc. I imagine lots of first time mums of toddlers would really welcome your sage advice and maybe become friends too.

Do you work full time/ part time. Have you got time to barge in on the toddler scene (I loved it when mine were little - any excuse to attend another group. Met loads of lovely people from all sorts of backgrounds). If you feel the need to escape from bereavement feelings surely the madness of a toddler group is the place to do it

I too have a huge fleece blanket, it goes every where with me. I highly recommend.

I didn't go out and make new friends, as I'm in the middle of no where, but just having colleagues to talk to if you're working, is a welcome distraction without feeling pressured to go out socialising when all you want to do is cosy up on the sofa.

Teenagers, have they grieved properly lisa? Try a group counciling, teens find it hard to communicate in a positive way at the best of times. Just a thought... Fickle things kids. A death can be a trigger for alot of behaviour, even though it may not happen straight away. xx

Thanks again for your responses. I don't think toddler groups will be the solution now as she's to start playgroup now - without me - from 9-2 4 days per week. After 2 she'll probably sleep . Can't see any new opportunities to meet people at the moment.

yes teenagers and toddlers very difficult which is probably why I'm feeling the need for some friendships. Don't think my teens need to grieve. They did at the time and seem ok now. My ddaged 15 has always been quite a serious reserved child and is now fairly insolent and unhelpful. I am also about to make her a gp appointment as she is complaining of being unable to sleep at night .

I used to have a better relationship with my ds aged 13 who was always a really wonderful kid - smiley and co-0perative. He's just become more sullen, argumentative and unfriendly recently.

Life itself is just a bit overwhelming I think. I have 6 dcs - probably that 's why.

If you ever need to vent your spleen, bend a ear or need a supportive word, get in touch.