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Original poster

Another "children and weddings" dilemma

49 replies

PiccadillyCircus · 13/03/2006 10:56

I know there has been much debate on this before, but I have a dilemma of my own which is slightly different.

A friend of mine is getting married in May and our invitation came a few days ago (addressed to me, DH, DS (2.3) and DD (6 months)). So far so good. But....we're all invited to just the evening part ie 7pm until midnight.

The wedding is at a hotel, so it's not as if we could go to the actual wedding part. And it's about 50 miles away.

We can get babysitters, but I think I wanted to be able to take my children to the wedding (and be able to let them meet other people at the wedding). DH and I were discussing it and we feel it would be easier if we didn't really want to go, but I would like to.

I suppose I want to have my cake and eat it, but don't think DS and DD would be much fun during the evening. I had just assumed we would be invited for all the day (although realise this was my own wrong assumption)

OP posts:
desperateSCOUSEwife · 13/03/2006 11:00

maybe your friend thought it would be a long day for your kids
maybe they can only accomodate so many at actual ceremony and reception

nailpolish · 13/03/2006 11:00

i remember my cousin, his wife and their 2 children were coming to my evening reception, but they turned up for the ceremony, just to watch, they didnt stay for the meal, (had a meal themselves at the hotel), just kind of mingled around and joined in the atmosphere, then my cousins wifes mum came to pick up the girls and they went home to bed while cousin and wife stayed for the party afterwards

i felt bad cos i hadnt invited them to the cermony and meal, the told me they had just wanted to be around and the girls had wanted to watch, they were worried and i was worried, but i was glad they came etc etc etc

maybe you could do that and have a meal in the hotel yourselves?

Tatties · 13/03/2006 11:05

Can you afford a night at the hotel so you can put the LOs to bed when they've had enough and take it in turns to watch them?

Original poster
PiccadillyCircus · 13/03/2006 11:09

The couple getting married have a DD who will be one by then.

Hadn't thought of staying in the hotel - will investigate that.

OP posts:
eidsvold · 13/03/2006 11:55

we were invited to a friend's wedding - the evening party do, our dd was not.. we took her to the wedding and she loved it - music etc... couple had a brass band/ensemble and dd1 was in heaven. Then my mil and sil came and looked after dd whilst we went to the party.

katyp · 13/03/2006 12:13

TBH, I would never want to take any of my kids to a friends wedding - I would relish a night/day out with my dh and friends and no kids! I would never expect my kids to be invited to anything other than a family wedding - but maybe that's just how things are done where I come from. Even for my sister's wedding, I didn't take ds to the church (he was 2.2 and would probable have been quite noisy.) He had a nap while we were there and mil and fil brought him along to the reception. They then took both kids back home after the meal and dh and I enjoyed the rest of the evening.

I think your kids are too young to go to the evening reception, ime (mine would all be in bed by 7pm at that age) and they probably won't remember it in the long term or the people they would have met.

Original poster
PiccadillyCircus · 13/03/2006 12:13

Have looked at the hotel's website and we would have to stay there two nights (they won't accept a one night booking).

It would be easier if DS and DD hadn't been invited really Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
PiccadillyCircus · 13/03/2006 12:15

katyp I agree that DS and DD are too young to go. I had envisaged a daytime wedding and us leaving in time for them to have a late bedtime.

Can't really understand why they have been invited to an evening reception.

OP posts:
GDG · 13/03/2006 12:18

Depending on how close I was to the bride and groom, and how much I wanted to to, I'd just go without the kids or else I wouldn't go at all. I wouldn't take small children to an evening do myself (only if it was close family and it was tagged on to the wedding we were attending)

Blu · 13/03/2006 12:19

Get a babysitter and go without them!

Rhubarb · 13/03/2006 12:26

I could understand this if it stipulated that children are welcome to the actual wedding but not the evening reception. Receptions are far too late for small kiddies and considering the amount of alcohol drunk, not really the right environment for them anyway.

I would call your friend and ask if it's possible for the invite to be the other way round? Could be as someone said, that she thinks a whole day would be too much for them? Is she having a meal in the Hotel afterwards too? A Wedding Breakfast I think it's called. Could be that she can't afford to cater for all the kiddies at the meal, and generally it's the Church guests who are invited to the Breakfast thingy, so she's decided to invite them to the Reception instead?

I'd call and find out more.

Blu · 13/03/2006 12:31

If you do that, (Rhubarbs suggestion) personally I would do it very gently - it is possible that she hasn't done the wedding invite lists around the needs of your kids!
I'd be a bit miffed, I think, if people started ringing up and asking to have the arrangements moved around - you know how much pressure people are under when trying to put it all together!
I think she has just added your kids names because she didn't want to ignore them, iyswim. But hasn't particularly gone pro-active to meet the needs of parents with kids.
get a babysitter, enjoy an evening event, and make arrangements for folow-up socials with the other friends there with kids.

elliott · 13/03/2006 12:37

I don't think you can ask to be invited to something you haven't been invited to, iyswim. So you just have to decide how you want to do it - personally, if I had the option, I'd leave the children behind. If I didn't have the option, then I would either stay in the hotel (can't you stay one night as part of the wedding party? This might be something you could ask your friend about...) or I would leave the kids with dh. i wouldn't take children of that age out at that time in the evening - well, not my kids anyway!

Rhubarb · 13/03/2006 12:38

Personally I would decline. Because whereas I would possibly consider getting a babysitter for the Reception, I would like to think that we were invited as a family to a wedding. In my opinion a wedding is a family event and I know my dd would love to go to a wedding. Therefore if my kids weren't invited, then none of us would go.

Just my opinion btw!

Blu · 13/03/2006 12:41

They ARE invited, though! PC is apparantly welcome to take them in the evening. I wouldn't do it with DS, but my neices, for e.g, are always going to family evening events and staying up til all hours - then sleep in.
It would just be a choice for PC not to take them.

desperateSCOUSEwife · 13/03/2006 12:43

agree with blu and elliott
you cant just ask for invites to be changed around
I would personally go and get baby sitter for evening or let them stay overnight at grandparents house and you and dh spend night in hotel and make a mini break out of it.

Rhubarb · 13/03/2006 12:44

I meant to the wedding, not just the reception.

The nice bit where you see the bride in her huge white dress, and all the bridesmaids, and you watch them exchanging vows (whilst making bets with dh as to how long it'll all last!). As a kid that was the magical bit! Have none of you ever read Alfie then?

The Reception is mainly about getting drunk and laughing at grandma as her knickers fall down to her ankles whilst dancing to Captain Sensible!

Trifle · 13/03/2006 12:45

I agree that this is one of those invites where you have been invited 'en famille' knowing full well that the chances of you bringing the children are nil and by inviting you all wont make the bride look like she is excluding them. To be honest weddings are about the actual service themselves, the church, the speeches, the wedding breakfast etc. By the evening the whole thing is really a done deal and, for me, not worth a 100 mile round trip plus overnight accommodation to attend little more than a friends disco.

annh · 13/03/2006 12:45

I'm old fashioned and love to receive hand-written thank you notes. Similarly, I always hand write mine. However, I think it's different for kids, you can't realistically expect a 4/5 year old to write a bunch of letters for birthdays etc so I usually write the letter myself and get them to sign and do some kisses. If there's a lot of letters involved, like after a birthday party, I think a typed note with a handwritten signature from the child (or scribble or smiley face!) is perfectly acceptable. Frankly, I am just so amazed to get a thank-you note for anything these days that I'd be pleased with a scribble on a piece of newspaper. DS2 has been to four birthday parties in his class so far and haven't received a single thank you - am I really out-of-touch?

elliott · 13/03/2006 12:46

Rhubarb, I don't disagree that its much nicer to go to the actual wedding. But its not for guests to decide that imo!

annh · 13/03/2006 12:46

Gaah! Seem to have posted on completely the wrong thread! Proving that Mumsnet and work DO NOT mix! Sorry.

Rhubarb · 13/03/2006 12:47

annh - lol!

Rhubarb · 13/03/2006 12:48

elliott - ooooooh, debate mode kicking in! Weddings are public events! Why should children be excluded?

desperateSCOUSEwife · 13/03/2006 12:48

rofl @annhGrin

Enid · 13/03/2006 12:50

agree with Blu 100%