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Original poster

Another "children and weddings" dilemma

49 replies

PiccadillyCircus · 13/03/2006 10:56

I know there has been much debate on this before, but I have a dilemma of my own which is slightly different.

A friend of mine is getting married in May and our invitation came a few days ago (addressed to me, DH, DS (2.3) and DD (6 months)). So far so good. But....we're all invited to just the evening part ie 7pm until midnight.

The wedding is at a hotel, so it's not as if we could go to the actual wedding part. And it's about 50 miles away.

We can get babysitters, but I think I wanted to be able to take my children to the wedding (and be able to let them meet other people at the wedding). DH and I were discussing it and we feel it would be easier if we didn't really want to go, but I would like to.

I suppose I want to have my cake and eat it, but don't think DS and DD would be much fun during the evening. I had just assumed we would be invited for all the day (although realise this was my own wrong assumption)

OP posts:

Blu · 13/03/2006 12:52

Aaah, you see I was a child who was bored ridgid by the actual wedding service. (still am!).

It is possible that technically people can't be excluded from the wedding ceremony - in a church, anyone can entr, if they wish.

Just depends if people want to get into a wrangle / feud with freinds over it, at a pressured moment in their life.

Easier to go with the flow with grace and generosity, imo!

Rhubarb · 13/03/2006 12:54

grace and generosity! Hmmmmmm! Excluding kids thereby making it difficult for guests who have no babysitters doesn't sound very graceful or generous to me!

Be nice if the parents had the choice of taking their kids or not, rather than the abrupt come without or not at all.

Original poster

PiccadillyCircus · 13/03/2006 12:56

Thank you for all the replies .

I think (although I'm not sure) that the wedding isn't a church one - so we couldn't turn up at the wedding part uninvited. To be honest that's the bit I like best anyway.

The thing taht suprises me is that she has a 1 year old DD, so knows about children not being at their best during the evening. And she is a good friend - if she weren't then I wouldn't mind possibly offending her by not going, but I don't want to offend her.

And we can get babysitters and go on our own, but I'd rather have my children with me. Just not in the evening .

OP posts:

desperateSCOUSEwife · 13/03/2006 12:56

I think weddings and funerals cause more probs than anything
someone always gets offended
without it being meant

Blu · 13/03/2006 12:58

Yes, PC - delete this selfish woman from your Christmas card list, complain to all your mutual friends about her thoroughly unreasonable behaviour, and never see her again! that will teach her!

Rhubarb · 13/03/2006 12:59

You can turn up at any wedding no matter where it is, they are all public events.

Could it be that she can't afford to cater for lots of children during the Wedding Breakfast then? If she's a good friend I'd just ask tbh. But if it's about finances then I'm not sure what you can do. Perhaps just turn up for the service?

Original poster

PiccadillyCircus · 13/03/2006 13:00

annh .

And Rhubarb, I agree with your 12:44 post completely. And we love Alfie in this house.

Trifle, that's pretty much how it feels to me. I don't really like evening things anyway - I am ready for bed at 9pm.

So how do I politely say we're not going. I was looking forward to it when I thought we would be invited during the daytime .

OP posts:

Original poster

PiccadillyCircus · 13/03/2006 13:01

Could be that she has seen how much I eat at the moment - DS and DD probably wouldn't consume that much but I seem to be eating for three

OP posts:

Rhubarb · 13/03/2006 13:01

You say that it's just too late for your kids in the evening, if she has a dd then she should understand.

Blu · 13/03/2006 13:02

Maybe she's having a tiny 'close family only' ceremony and a meal.

desperateSCOUSEwife · 13/03/2006 13:05

it might not be financial though
it could be that the wedding invites have been given out with accordance to relations first and foremost
as to not offend anyone in their respective families
so aunty dot and uncle tom who they havent seen in years gets invited to church/registry office first
maybe these are things the bride and groom have discussed, surely he has mates he would like there but not possible.

I would be pleased that my kids were invited, but wouldnt take them personally as I like to have a good time and get plastered without keeping my eye on kids.
I really wouldnt be offended.

Rhubarb · 13/03/2006 13:07

So perhaps you could suggest that you take the kids to the service but not to the wedding breakfast? I agree that catering for so many people is a nightmare!

tangerinecath · 13/03/2006 14:07

If she's having a civil ceremony the chances are that there are only a limited number of places to see the ceremony - my friend got married in a hotel and iirc they could only fit a max of about 60 people in the room where the ceremony took place. My dd was a mini bridesmaid at 17 months so was there for the ceremony and she stayed until about 8pm when dh took her to my Mum's and then came back for the party.
Could it be that there's not enough room for all friends at the ceremony but there's plenty of room at the evening do?
Could you not take the kids for an hour and then drop them off somewhere, or perhaps the hotel does a babysitting service?

mogwai · 13/03/2006 19:21

I think your problem lies more in the fact that she hasn't invited you to the whole day and you feel miffed.

If she's a close friend, I can understand you feeling miffed!

Then again, perhaps there are financial or other considerations that have been considered. We obviously don't know the whole story.

Agree with posters who say you can't ask to be invited to the day. As she has a child, she obviously knows the issues and has already made her choices!

Sorry if sounds harsh.

7up · 13/03/2006 19:35

ive been invited to the evening reception at my cousins wedding, got ds 11years and ds2 17months.eldest son likes to party so will go for his benefit but little one normally in pjs by 7oc. go but dont take the kids and get pisd and have a laugh

annh · 13/03/2006 20:14

Just had to come back on and say that after my completely off-topic contribution about handwritten thank yous which I did while supposedly working earlier today, I now can't even find the topic that I thought I was posting on! Used to wonder how people would post messages on the wrong topic, now I appear to have done it myself and I still don't know how it happens!!

Original poster

PiccadillyCircus · 13/03/2006 20:20

mogwai, you have got how I feel just right. I wouldn't dream of asking her to change things round, but I suppose I had assumed I would be a "whole day" person.

OP posts:

Original poster

PiccadillyCircus · 13/03/2006 20:25

annh, I think \link{http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=9&threadid=154675&stamp=060313115548\this} might be the thread you meant to post on

OP posts:

alittlebitshy · 13/03/2006 20:37

We had this a couple of years ago. A friend was having a hotel wedding... I bluntly asked how come just an evening invite, and she said it was a small small wedding (it only seated about 70 people i think, if that). In the end, when she had some people unable to come she invited us to the whole thing, as she clearly saw it meant a lot to us to see it if we could. I was very grateful for this tact and enjoyed it immensely. HAd we just been left with the original invite I might have gone alone to the do, but in the end we went and left dd with some friends and had a thoroughly fab time except worrying about dd irrationally :)

Passionflower · 13/03/2006 20:37

Speaking as one of the rabid anti-childexclusion at weddings brigade I woulden't have a problem with your invite. They have invited your children, it's up to you if you bring them. As the wedding is at an hotel I would get a babysitter and make it into a bit of a romantic break for you and your DH.

We are leaving the children behind when we go to BIL wedding in the summer as we will have to fly from CI to Newcastle and taking them will
a) cost too much
b) evening do isn't at an hotel so one of us would have to leave the party early which would be a bummer after travelling all that way.

mogwai · 14/03/2006 20:42

Picadilly

This kind of happened to me years ago. A girl I knew at university (who I actually could never work out whether I liked, but she did intrigue me) got in touch years after we left. We started to see more of each other and one day we went shopping to look at wedding dresses after she got engaged. She was really interested in my opinion, especially on fabrics and colours for the bridesmaids, to the extent that I was quite convinced she was going to ask me!

Anyway, at the end of our shopping trip we went for coffee and she casually dropped in "of course, it will only be close friends but you can come to the evening", which left me a bit gobsmacked!. To my knowledge, she didn't have many close friends (being a bit weird!).

I was kind of miffed, but not upset, and it certainly made me re-evaluate the friendship, which was when I worked out that I didn't like her much and yet always made more effort than she did.

It would be interesting to see who your friend has invited to the whole day. Perhaps you've invested more in the friendship than she has, which can feel a bit uncomfortable, but I suppose it's good to know where you stand?

Wordsmith · 14/03/2006 20:52

I can't understand your problem.

They have invited your children. It's up to you if you take them.

It's their wedding, not yours. You can't expect people to organise the day around the needs of toher people and their children.

If I were you, I would get a babysitter, go on your own and have a good time. Your children won't feel offended to be left out, they won't know any different!

mogwai · 14/03/2006 21:04

Wordsmith, I think Piccadilly has now identified that her problem is that she feels upset because she thought the bride was a close friend and she's be invited to the day.

So now she doesn't really know where she stands.

Wordsmith · 14/03/2006 21:17

Whoops sorry, must have got lost halfway through the thread.

Now that's a completely different ballgame. Sorry, no advice, other than you have to draw the line somwehere on numbers for a wedding.

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