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Original poster

No effing friends....woe is me....wtf is wrong with me?

33 replies

giraffeski · 02/03/2006 21:05

I'm really blooming down tonight.
I sat at mums and toddlers today on my own, realising that although I have made all these superficially friendly acquaintances since I moved here nearly a year ago, I don't have any close friends, nobody who can just nip round for lunch or coffee, except for a few of my 'old' friends, who don't have children, and who I hardly ever see because of their busy effing social and work lives.

I feel really inadequate as a mother, too, as i just lay on the sofa under a blanket the whole afternoon, and ignored dd, who was being good as gold, poor lamb.
Dp took her to the park in the end but i still couldn't get off my arse and i was still there when he went out an hour ago.

Plus I haven't been on Mumsnet for ages either so I haven't had the support there.

And my MSN isn't working.

I'm just so so knackered since I started working shifts, and my body clock is so f***d up from the nights, that i think i might be slipping back into depression again (and believe me, I don't want that).

Plus, I bought a home highlighting kit yesterday to try and cheer myself up, but had to send DP out to the 24 hour Tesco at quarter to midnight for cover up dye.

It was THAT bad.

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lunavix · 02/03/2006 21:10

Awww about the hair... :(

I feel the same about m+ts, I moved here a year and a half, and there was a core 7 of us who went. I meet up with two about twice a week during the day - because they are bored and there's nothing to do. Used to do a few bits with one of them but no longer.

The others are all good friends have known each other for a few years.

Now the two I'm closest to, I find out are seeing each other every weekend for takeaways, bowling etc... we're never invited. They even seem to time outings to days I can't do.

I keep wanting to move.. worried it will happen again.

Sorry this turned into a moan.

You have to be a fab mum for a good as gold dd!!! I'd imagine you need to get your body clock sorted and you will feel heaps better..

Original poster
giraffeski · 02/03/2006 21:16

hmmm...I can see that my body clock will settle down and i will feel less tired, but i still won't have any friends...

I have tried, I really have.

I have asked a couple of the mums several times if they want to meet up (the ones I have spoken to a bit at toddlers) and one of them made a dtae, then rang to cancel at the last minute......THREE TIMES.

The other one kept fobbing me off a bit then eventually when i volunteered to help out with some playgroup stuff, invited me round with the other woman for coffee to sort some stuff out.

I thought we had a nice tme, but every time i mention doing it again, she goes on vaguely about how busy she is.

So I've kind of given up with those two, and i think it's destroyed my self confidence a bit. The thing is, the more lonely I feel, the more into myself I go and the less likely I am to make friends. And the more crap I feel, the less likely I am to go out anyway.

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Original poster
giraffeski · 02/03/2006 21:17

I can't bethat f**g unpleasant that nobody wants to know me!

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expatinscotland · 02/03/2006 21:18

Look at it this way: you could be one of us on the Harry Potter thread :o.

pebblemum · 02/03/2006 21:19

I know exactly how you feel about the lack of adult company. I have tried to fit in at several toddler groups but all the mums tend to stick to their little groups and dont welcome new faces, its a bit like being back in the school playground!!

Having a lazy day under a blanket now and again doesn't make you an inadequate mother at least i hope it doesnt because i have done that now and again when things have got me down. It just means you are taking time out for yourslef and as long as the children are safe and well I dont see the harm in that. At least your Dp took your dd out,giving you a bit of space, I may as well be a single mum the amount of support i get from my dh.

Im also an expert of f*ing up my hair and have now learnt to keep a spare dye in the cupboard for such occassions.

Hope things improve for you tomorrow Smile

colditz · 02/03/2006 21:20

They are arses, and they are avoiding you because you are so lovely you make them feel inferior.

Original poster
giraffeski · 02/03/2006 21:21

ah...well if I had known there was a Harry Potter thread....Grin

But seriously, how the hell am I going to make friends? I've been here nearly a year now and I haven't managed under my own steam,so maybe it is time to call in the mumsnetters?

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harpsichordcarrier · 02/03/2006 21:21

hi giraffeski long time no see...
is it maybe the time of year?
everyone seems gloomy at the mo

Original poster
giraffeski · 02/03/2006 21:23

Colditz.....nobody has ever said anything so lovely to me....

PM- thanks for the dye tip- I may well do so immediately (although i did promise dp that I would never try and dye my own hair again, my grandiose ideas may get the better of me yet, and I will retire to the bathroom, fully expecting to emerge looking like the picture on the bottle....)

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Original poster
giraffeski · 02/03/2006 21:25

heigh ho HC. yes you might be right about the weather. Dp says all i need is a holiday, but that might be because i said we couldn't afford one, and he is hell bent on us going to stay at his brothers apartment in Bulgaria.

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cazzybabs · 02/03/2006 21:28

You know what all over the country there must be hundredsd of really lonely people. you know how many people want to come for my hennight - ONE!!!!

I wish I had someone to phone up and chat to about stuff, but I don't. Still I do have 2 lovely children and a lovely BF - so I can't be all bad.

festiveface · 02/03/2006 21:40

i have trouble making friends aswell these days. i seem to get on with people and have some good converations with them but always at my instigation.
I invited a boy from ds class for tea the other week and of course had chat with the mum before and after but walking to school today, she was with another mum, saw me on the other side of a very small road and didn't even say hello.
trouble is, i knew she wasn't going to so i didn't say anything either as i keep feeling as though i am forcing myself on people!

pussygalore · 02/03/2006 21:43

Hiya darlin'. Have just logged on for the very first time and spotted your message. These women make me 'kin mad. They're supposed to be adults. Try somewhere else love. The NCT might just come up trumps - they're not all 'knit your own yoghurt' types. One of my greatest mates came to me via this route. Ten years on and it's just as great. Keep doing what you're doing and don't let 'black dog' get hold of you. :)

Original poster
giraffeski · 02/03/2006 21:44

grrrr....and i forgot to say as well, my mum keeps rubbing my face in it by saying I need to have more kids round to play with dd, as it's 'not fair on her'

FFS, I know a three year old needs other kids to play with. That's why I send her to playgroup even though we had to pay this term and i can't afford it, but i don't need the obvious pointing out and making me feel even more shit about the situation.

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Original poster
giraffeski · 02/03/2006 21:47

Thanks for thAT pg. I was really involved in local NCT groups in my old town and made some good friends through them, and I am actually a trainee antenatal teacher for them at the moment so am still involved, but there are no groups in my local village (and i don't drive).
I did find them hard going at times, too, as I am only 25 and felt a bit looked down on when I was a young-ish single mother (not single any more but still...you know...)

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hub2dee · 02/03/2006 21:50

Awww gski. Ain't nothing wrong with you. And dd is testament to that, especially as she believes my tall tales, LOL.

Shiftwork / bodyclock out of synch is NOT nice.... and the crap winter has been dragging on and on.. (but, yay ! it's nearly Spring.... I command you to go and buy some hyacinths tomorrow).

Smile

Are you still heading for NCT teaching career ? I imagine you will meet loads of people through that - so many young people / couples, keen to learn from your experience etc. Of course, they will be at a different stage (re: kids), but I'm sure there would be a few you'd click with.

Hey, did that package ever turn up ? I never did hassle the post office nor cancel the cheque. Blush

pussygalore · 02/03/2006 21:56

Sweetie - you got the credentials, so start a bloody group!!! Kick some arse and show 'em how it's really done. You can do it.

Original poster
giraffeski · 02/03/2006 21:59

Do you know, it never bloody did turn up!

Having dealt with the post office before, though, I'm not surprised, or inclined to advise you to go through the hassle of chasing it up.

Presumably the cheque was never cashed, though, so maybe it was hijacked by the postman (who must have been rather disappointed that it was only nappies and not something he could give his wife for Christmas).

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Original poster
giraffeski · 02/03/2006 22:03

PG- i work shifts, so I can't really commit full time to be around on a certain day, or else I would. My days vary from week to week and i already have the same evening which i don't work, so that i can teach on that night, so couldn't really put upon the rota organisers any more, plus with studying and working I think i have enough on my plate!

There are M & T groups every day in my village, so it's not lack of places to go, really, it's just kind of difficulty in taking stuff to the next level, ie into actual friends rather than mere acquaintances.

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colditz · 02/03/2006 22:05

Nights are crappy crap crap. Used to make me feel like a corpse for 3 days afterwards, and also a major contributor to depression, IMHO!

I know what you mean about the guilt, I have days when all ds does is watch Beebies and Pingu, I drag lunch out for an hour just for something to do, because I just don't have the flipping energy to go and be around someone else's kidsBlush

He goes to playschool twice a week, could really do with going more, but I can't afford it until it is free in September, so there's more guilt for me. Sometimes the most interesting thing we do all day is walk to the Tesco Shop and buy chocolate doughnuts.

So don't punish yourself. Sometimes my ds has a day of Constructive Play and Steamed Vegetables, sometimes it's oven chips and beebies.

PS.

I once did such a bad dye job on my hair, that the hairdresser I went to stayed 2 hours late at work to sort it out because she wouldn't let me leave the salon looking as bad as I did! And yes I did tip her!lol

niceglasses · 02/03/2006 22:06

I'm an old hand at toddler groups and they can be very hard to break into - I've sat many an hour saying no more than "oh coffee yes pls" and the like. Its very hard and soul destroying esp when you feel a bit down anyway. I'm a bit guilty of not trying that hard but sounds like you really have. My box of friends is fairly limited so I often wonder if I'm horrible as well.........you don't sound horrible at all btw!! Have a duvet day, have a drink watch Father Ted or summat and say F* em all.

hub2dee · 02/03/2006 22:07

Is it about, then, finding a commonality outside of the fact you both have kids IYSWIM ? Maybe a different 'angle' to finding people you might get on with ? You're into all that mad sewing and knitting, right ? Is there anything to do with that you could get involved with ? Or your craft interests ? Make up some cards and keep them on you, and at some boring M&T session just 'pop' them out and doubtless people will either want to buy, or maybe someone would admit to being a fellow creative bod etc. ?

hub2dee · 02/03/2006 22:09

Oh, and is it possibly feasible to swap a 1/2 day of care with another mum who might then have giraffelet plus her own IYSWIM, to give you a break to do something not on the level of a 3 year old IYSWIM ? Swap the week after or whatever ?

Smile
colditz · 02/03/2006 22:10

I am 25 too, so I know what you mean about being a youngish mum. Not young enough to be a 'young mum' but not old enough for real grown ups to take me seriously. I have a chip on my shoulder, does it showGrin

I am in awe of mums in their 30's, they all look so sorted, and all the younger mums seem to have their own support network put in place by the Hv's.

Original poster
giraffeski · 02/03/2006 22:11

Colditz, you've made me feel less guilty about my dd btw. Thanks.

I may well have a day where i do nothing tomorrow (although may have to do the washing- haven't done any for a week and it's all sat at the top of the stairs. god forbid dp would know how to switch the machine on- he said to me tonight 'is my football kit ready?'

Ha.

He had to fish it out of the washing basket and spray it with Febreze.

Grin
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