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Original poster

sorry, another I want a baby but he doesn't thread

27 replies

ferny · 02/03/2006 13:44

I feel like I want to leave my dp over this. I'm so upset.
I have broached the subject of having another child a few times with him (we have one ds) and he has always said "not yet". This implied, to me, that one day he would want one.

I asked him last night if we could have another baby and he just said no. Not ever. He doesn't want another one.

He said that how can we love another one as much as we love ds? That ds is so perfect that how can another baby match up to it.
He also said that ds was so much hard work (not that he ever does anything much with him) and that he has the choice of having a good night's sleep or having a baby that will wake him up.

I think he sees a child as a huge inconvenience to him. how selfish is that? And more worryingly I think he feels that ds and I are both inconveniences too.

I am gutted. I didn't want to have an age gap of more than 2 years between ds and the next baby and now that's never going to happen. ds will never have a sibling and I'll never have any more children.

OP posts:
Original poster
ferny · 02/03/2006 13:44

I am a regular poster, but have changed my name for this

OP posts:
Original poster
ferny · 02/03/2006 13:51

are you all ignoring me because you think i'm a newbie?

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expatinscotland · 02/03/2006 13:55

no, but b/c you can't force someone to have a child they don't want.

please see a counsellor. if he won't, go on your own.

the decision to have a child - or not - is SUCH a personal one. it's best to see a professional and weigh up pros and cons objectively before making a decision about what to do.

additionally, there are pros and cons to have a shorter or longer age gap between siblings.

good luck.

Original poster
ferny · 02/03/2006 14:01

i just never thought i'd be posting something like this.
How could I have got it so wrong?

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Twiglett · 02/03/2006 14:03

could just be how he was feeling last night to be fair

probably on a downer

you could probably ask him another day and get a totally different answer

don't fret .. don't be gutted .. you have plenty time ..

and personally I believe a 3 year gap is far better

poppadum · 02/03/2006 14:06

MY Dh and I both wanted to stick with one child for exactly the reasons your DP has. We changed our mind when DD was 3.5 and we had forgotten how much hard work it was! I now have a 4.5 year gap and love it. DD is completely independent and not at all jealous, yet she still plays with her brother and loves him to bits. Give your dp some time and he might change his mind. But if he doesn't, I am afraid you will have to live with it. I would be furious if my DH insisted on having another child if I didn't want one.

Original poster
ferny · 02/03/2006 14:09

i know I can't force him to have one. I would never do that, that's why I am so upset.
If he had been straight from the word go and said he never wanted any more maybe things would be different?
Now I just feel like he resents both of us, ds was a mistake and he said that although he would never want to "give ds back" he wouldn't do it again.

I love ds to bits, nothing is too much for him. I don't regret having him at all and I want all that wonderfulness all over again.
Yes, he's hard work, but he's worth it.

Suddenly I realise why dp makes such a fuss about helping me out around the house, and getting up with ds in the morning or putting him to bed. Because he's just a big inconvenience to him. That's what makes me saddest I think

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RachD · 02/03/2006 14:25

Are you o.k. ferny - I mean, were you a little unhappy before this discussion - I mean dp didn't say that ds and you were an 'inconvenience', did he ?
He reasons for not wanting another child are not unheard of ?
Talk to dp, find out EXACTLY what his concerns are.
You have a decent chance of persuading him.

Original poster
ferny · 02/03/2006 14:28

i was fine beforehand.
he didn't say we were an inconvenience, but he may as well have.

He doesn't want a baby because it will wake him up in the night.
and he said he doesn't want to have to look after me when I am fat and pregnant again. nice

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LIZS · 02/03/2006 14:28

The first few years of a having a child are hard. I couldn't contemplate getting pg again before then, even though ds was a comparatively easy baby, and we have a 3 1/2 year gap as a result. He is right in that you cannot guarantee that a second child would be the same as the first, but then that is what makes it interesting and challenging in ways you cannot foresee.

You seem to be interpreting everything your dp said now as meaning that he regrets having had one or even being in a permanent relationship which isn't how I read the conversation as you've written it down. Perhaps he thinks he is trying to protect you and ds in a convoluted way, that he likes what you already share and how you cope, and doesn't want to risk it. Would suggest you try to find an oppportunity to talk about it in a less emotive fashion and see if you can come up with a few common goals , perhaps including another child, perhaps not, to see what future you might have as a family .

Good luck

Original poster
ferny · 02/03/2006 14:32

the thing is that ds was the easiest baby in the world. He slept through from 12 weeks and I was breastfeeding him so dp didn't even have to get up anyway.

To me it just seems like maybe this explains why he never wants to help me out at home, although he didn't actually say that.

I don't know if I can talk to him because I KNOW i'll just get all emotional about it

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WideWebWitch · 02/03/2006 14:38

You do love your second just as much as your first, really you do. And the second is loads easier imo (see sophable's thread, I posted there about this).

Tinker · 02/03/2006 14:42

But baby's are an inconvenience. In the nicest possible way. Have and 8 year gap here and teh thought of such as small one as you want makes me feel light-headed. How old are you?

Original poster
ferny · 02/03/2006 14:43

i'll be 26 this year.

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Tinker · 02/03/2006 14:44

Well, you know what people are going to say. You have ages to have another baby and for your husband to reconsider.

Mum2Ela · 02/03/2006 14:47

How old is your DS atm?

Personally I think you have to forget the 'perfect' age gap that you wanted. The ultimate goal is to have another baby, right? So work on that. Even if your DS is 5 years old by the time your DH decides (if he does) that he wants another baby, the age gap won't matter.

Perhaps atm he is remembering all the hard bits about having a baby. In time, it might take a year or so, it sontinues to get easier (in some respects, obv more difficult in others). My DD is 3.5 now and she'll dress herself, get a drink herself if she wants one, sit and be sociable in restaurants, etc. When your DS starts doing all these things and your DH starts to think 'bless, he's not a baby anymore', he might change his mind.

x

Original poster
ferny · 02/03/2006 14:49

ds is coming up for 14 months.
I know I have plenty of time, but that doesn't stop me feeling sad about it right now.
although all your replies have made me calm down a bit!

Maybe I took the things he said the wrong way, but I did definitely get the feeling that he regretted having ds and it made me wonder if I really want to be with him

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Mum2Ela · 02/03/2006 14:50

Sorry, your DP, not DH.

bundle · 02/03/2006 14:56

agree with twig, 3 yr gap better (ours is 2 yr 10mths)

Original poster
ferny · 02/03/2006 15:13

i don't think he wants another one ever

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Heathcliffscathy · 02/03/2006 15:22

ferny, huge sympathies....lots and lots of constructive advice on my thread about this if you haven't had a read through...i know it is different.

i'm sorry that this has come a such a shock and that you are so upset and disappointed about this.

not much i can say as i'm in the same boat. fwiw, it is helping me enormously to have a break from talking to dh about this....but it sounds as if you've kind of done that already.

i do think it's possible that you've caught him at a bad time and that it isn't as absolute as it sounds...

RachD · 02/03/2006 15:29

Dh & I always wanted two children.
After a difficult pregnancy, dh said no more.
But as ds gets older, dh becomes more open to the idea.
As ds starts to kick a football, and say cute things, I think dh bonds with him more, than with a tiny baby, with whom he possibly didn't bond as much.
Sorry - rushing, and not explaining myself - have to dash out - but do you get the idea

  • do youo think dp could come round, as his relationship with your 1st child develops ?
Original poster
ferny · 02/03/2006 15:29

not read your thread sophable, do you have a link to it?

I just e-mailed him and asked if he thinks he will ever want another baby and he said no, he doesn't think so :(

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Heathcliffscathy · 02/03/2006 15:32

\link{http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=1375&threadid=150884\here it is}

expatinscotland · 02/03/2006 15:39

i have a 2.5 year age gap, but it'd be easier if it were greater. we only have that small a gap b/c of my age.