Sarah's law - can't believe I am attempting to do this

[marykat2004]

So, I've got this neighbour who I don't like the look of. No one seems to like him. I have tried to be patient and open-minded but it was the last straw when I came home and found that he had been in the flat with DH and DD when I was out. This is the first time this has happened when DD was home with DH , and I was out. Otherwise the neighbour only came in when DD and I were both away, which is fairly regularly as we like to visit people at the weekends, (we live in a small flat, I am an outgoing type etc).

Anyway without making this post too long, I told DH I don't want him to see this neighbour any more. DH has a heart condition and had not had a drink in nearly 3 years. The neighbour got him drinking again (that is another subject, I know I can't blame the neighbour.). Many of DH"s old friends have said they don't like this guy either.

The problem is that I feel trapped now. I can't ever leave DD with her father because the neighbour might come in. It is not worth the risk. I can't get any info from the housing office, not even the guy's surname. I know he was in prison but he he told my friend he was a 'bank robber.' He drinks super strong lager and is basically a typical homeless person who's been a junkie, been in prison, etc. I work in a hostel and I know this type. Always knocking on the door for rizlas, tea bags etc.

I wouldn't say I had seen him behaving oddly towards children but I don't want an ex-prisoner, ex-junkie etc in my flat.

So I have called the local police to try to find out if this guy is a sex offender. At first they said they couldn't tell me anything but I mentioned 'Sarah's Law' and this officer said she would talk to someone and get back to me.

Has anyone had any success with Sarah's Law and odd neighbours? Can you get them moved out if they are sex offenders?

According to this link you can ask:

www.sarahslaw.co.uk/how-it-works/

Very PC responses here. I think it's probably a bit U to be assuming he is a sex offender, but I would certainly not want an ex-prisoner, heavy drinking ex-junkie in my home with my child.

Being an ex-prisoner doesn't suggest effort, it suggests the end of a custodial sentence. Being an ex-junkie who drinks heavily and is always nabbing rizlas etc also doesn't sound too great. If someone is an ex-prisoner and ex-junkie who is rehabilitating well, you shouldn't even be aware of that status particularly as they will be no different to any other person in appearance, demeanour or attitude (old tattoos aside, maybe). That doesn't sound like what you are describing. Can't see any reason he is potentially a sex offender but I wouldn't be too castigating of you for wanting to check if your instincts are telling you something is up. Instincts are actually pretty important in keeping us safe.

However, I agree that your dh and lack of trust in him is a bigger issue probably.

If you imagine your partner would put your dd at risk from any source whatsoever, you cannot leave her alone with him anyway.
If as you say he's a "spineless alcoholic", the neighbours are the very least of your worries tbh. Why are you still with him?

You're deflecting your anger at your DH onto the neighbour. The neighbour isn't actually the issue, is he? He doesn't sound especially nice, I agree - but no reason to believe he and he alone would do anything to put your DD at risk. Your DH has the responsibility here - no-one's forcing him to invite the neighbour in and get pissed.

I suggest you forget the Sarah's Law thing and think long and hard about your relationship instead. Do a list, if it helps, of the pros and cons of staying together. Maybe see a Relate counsellor (you can go on your own)? You need to have it clear in your own mind whether the positives outweigh the obvious negatives.

Your problem is your DH. Don't invoke Sarah's Law for this, it's not why Sarah Paynes parents devoted their lives to getting it passed.

So what will you do if it turns out he IS on the sex offenders list?

Because I am clutching at straws. I want a normal family life. I want to be able to feel that my child is safe with her father

There are changes that your husband has to make, you cannot make them for him.

Suggest you contact Al-Anon who support families affected by alcohol.

Why would you want to leave your daughter with someone who could have a heart attack any moment ' anyway?

He isn't a resident so your 'boundaries' are irrelevant. Don't you realise that? You are far too judgemental ( and confused)be in work of that sort.

I think Op is getting a hard time here, so for all those who say she is judgmental, what would you do? other than slag off and dump the DH as that is what is happening here, awfully judgmental. weould you all be happy with this man in your home? no and maybe circumstances mean you have no need nor desire to mix with people like this and so are able to have more choice who you live amongst.

I dont think anyone can knock Op for wanting to keep bad influances away from her dp who has done remarkably well not drinking for 3 years and then bang, some one moves in close by and he is giving into his demons and affecting the homelife of his partner and child, wow, I think anyone who cared for this man and thier children would do all that is in their power to get rid of the influences of this man.

the fact OP works in a hostle means she is aware of the downward spiral that alcohol can do and she wants all that away from her family.

Maybe sarahs law is not what is needed, i have no idea on the criteria, but why are so many posters mocking her asking for advice on this.

maybe she does not want to leave her husband but wants this man away so they can get back on track. many people have their falls leaving the dh isnt the answer it is supoort that he needs and I think that Op should be comended in her comitment to helping her DH and dd.

Well by going by her posts I wouldn't want her dh in my home either

No dangerous I probably wouldn't want him in my home. But I wouldn't assume he was a paedophile. Also if she is aware if the downward spiral then why is she wanting to leave her child with her husband. I very much doubt the OP works in a hostel.

I don't blame her for not wanting this man in her home (as I said) but her main issue seems to be that she wants to be able to safely leave her DD with her DH and go out for a few hours. The fact she can't is a problem with her DH and not this man.

There is no indication and I'm sure she would have mentioned this if there was, that this man is interested in her DD in any way.

Sure he is a bad influence on her DH but there is no law in existance which is going to help - only her DH's recognition of the problem and agreeing to avoid triggers (like this man) will help.

Sarah's law is irrelevant as it won't stop her DH drinking now that he has started again - that horse has already bolted.

she should be able to leave her child with her husband as Im sure she once did before began drinking, like I said she may be misguided on sarahs law but that is why she is asking for advice here. I just felt alot of the posts where not very nice and maybe others should put themselfs in her shoes, sarahs law is a tool for parents to seek information on adults they may have concerns about who are involved who are around their children. The op is not comfertable with this man around her child.

I don;t think she's uncomfortable with him around her child - I think if she is honest she is hoping she can use information from Sarahs law to persuade her DH to stop seeing him because of his bad influence on her DH not on her child. If she finds nothing untoward about him on file then she isn't going to think the problem has gone away - is she?

maybe not, maybe he is a risk to her daughter, who knows? It is not just about the influence on DH it is about the disruption to the family, risk to dd and dhs health. Im not saying she is right about sarahs law Im saying isnt that why she has posted here, I think others have given her a hard time wrongfully before considering the true inpact. There has been very little constructive advice.

Hi Marycat, I remember your previous thread. I'm really sorry but I think you need to address where you are with DH and his alcohol problem rather than the displacement activity of worrying about your dodgy neighbour. Suggest Al-Anon. Best wishes.

Setting aside the issues of the OP's DH/alcoholism etc for a moment

OP - really, the issue isn't the neighbour at all - it's your DH. If he's fallen off the wagon, which it sounds categorically as if he has, then whether the neighbour is at your flat or not I imagine you can now trust your DH not to drink (covertly or not) when he's caring for your DD.

Sarah's Law is not the right tool - you say quite clearly in your OP that you want to use it to get the man moved out, should it reveal any information, not just to persuade your DH not to go out to play with him any more.

You're grasping at straws - you don't want him around so you think he's a paedophile. What next - Sarah's Law reveals nothing, so you think he might be an arsonist who shouldn't live near you, or when that doesn't come to anything, he's a rapist? A murderer?

I'm afraid you need to be looking closer to home for the real problem. You can't trust your DH to care for your daughter and whilst I understand that you just wanted a family unit (and I really do), looking elsewhere for the blame and a reason not to tackle your relationship, is not going to help you.

I do feel sorry for the op. I wouldn't want to live next door to that man, let alone have him in my house. But why would you want to leave a child with someone who could collapse from a heart attack any minute, regardless of the company he may or may not have? Is there any chance that perhaps your dh does not feel confident being left alone with your dd because of his health issues? Perhaps he doesn't want to refuse to look after her because he knows you need a break, but prefers company ?

How old is the dd anyway?

OP you are getting a hard time here but I think that is because there are 2 separate issues:

1. your DH
2. a strange man, who you have an unsubstantiated, but real, mistrust of

you do have to sort out issues with your DH, and that is entirely in your court. BUT i totally agree that you trust your instinct on this other guy. As long as you are not publicly badmouthing him, it is entirely reasonable to keep your child away from this person if you don't trust him.

I think it is possible to get a "bad feeling" about someone without having any hard evidence and for that to turn out to be true (sadly was the case once with me). but as i say, please never publicly air your views as this would be hugely unfair if the man, however unpleasant, was not a paedophile (and it is more likely that he isn't)

i hope you can sort things out with your DH.

I've only read the first few posts, So sore if this has been said. How old is your DD, if your DP could have a heart attack at any moment why are you leaving her alone with him?

PoppadumPreach, I think you've summed it up nicely here.

there are hundrends even thousands of children in the sole or joint of dcs who could fall down and have a heart attck or seizure any moment, there children remain in their care .

I actually suspect that ops case would be a gray area when it comes to sarahs law, well from what I have read anyway, and I can sure most people if OP was to seek support from alanon or any other relevent organisation they would be saing to Op that she should be attempting to kepp this man away from her family and DH.