dh's job

[Mum2boy]

Does anyone else have a dh or dp who has a job like my dh? He travels regularly, attends dinners & functions, goes away for 'training' sessions (all the while socialising, having dinner/drinks with various people, playing golf etc etc) and then complains of being tired?!!!! He phoned me earlier and said that last night he'd stayed in a nice hotel, been to dinner and went to a casino & then got to bed after midnight sometime. He was quite untalkative and sounded in a bit of a bad mood - when I asked him why, he said "I'm just TIRED, I had a late night". Well it was your choice to go out drinking and to go to bed so b*dy late!!! Meanwhile I'm at home with the toddler hanging on to my leg whinging the whole time I'm trying to talk on the phone, and taking care of all the mundane stuff at home - as per usual. No wonder dh doesn't feel like going out & socialising much when he's at home, he gets to do so much of it with his job. It really bugs me sometimes!!!!! Can anyone else relate to this?

I used to work long hours and regularly stay overnight a long way from home sometimes for up to two nights. After a while I started an affair with one of my co-workers (out of mutual loneliness as much as opportunity and sexual attraction) I am not proud of it and am sick now to think of how I deceived my ex-partner. But the first thing I thought on reading your post was that that is exactly how I used to be on the 'phone. I hope that is not the case for your dh.

My dp has to do this sort of thing on occasion, but not often enough for it to be a problem.

Just wanted to say that it would bug me too mum2boy - you're at home with all the drudgery while dh is having a good time. Thing is, it may well be that he would far rather be at home with you and ds. I can't speak for your dh, but I know for myself that I would only really enjoy staying in nice hotels/going out for nice meals etc if I was doing it a) out of choice and b) with people I choose to be with. When you have to do these things because your job demands it, it's just not the same - especially if you're having to entertain clients (which can be quite exhausting!).

Talk to dh - it sounds to me that you are feeling unappreciated and wish that it could be you and dh going out for a nice meal/staying in a nice hotel - and quite rightly too! How about suggesting a weekend away together?

have a look at this thread !

Thanks Norma I don't think that's the case... I hope not anyway. We've weathered a lot of storms in the past and dh is generally very protective of our relationship. Still tells me he loves me all the time, and always lets me know where he can be contacted.

The feeling I get is that because he spends so much time out having dinner and drinks with a variety of colleagues & clients, he is too tired/uninterested in doing it with me when he comes home. He complains about being tired but the way I see it, is that at least he's been out enjoying himself & hasn't been stuck at home taking care of a young child instead!

My real annoyance I suppose is that his work seems to provide him with a pretty good 'social life', and it bugs me sometimes... he includes me in things when he can, but he also has to do a lot on his own, and I guess I resent it when it starts to affect our home life. His company seems to find any excuse to have him spend time away from home, but on top of that, dh gets a lot of perks such as golf days, boat trips, tickets to sporting events, etc etc - which can be really hard for me when I'm at home with ds.

Just doesn't seem fair sometimes....

My dh works ridiculous hours - not 'jollies', just stuck in the office til 8/9pm at night (and he works over an hours drive away...). It really p*es me off, but he's worried he'll lose the job if he doesn't do it... We never go out in the evenings as he's never home in time to go out to the theatre etc. We occasionally go out to friends or have them over on a Friday or Saturday night. Sometimes I have to work evenings (meetings etc - I'm a 'vicar', and he HAS to come home, but he moans about it and tends to get in at 7.25 so I can get to a 7.30 meeting.
Mind you, tonight he's at the work christmas do and has decided to stay in a hotel afterwards... bah!

Message withdrawn

I try not to stay away with work, because I don't want to and it is difficult to arrange for my parents to look after ds, but occasionally I have to. I have to say, that while I don't like going, when I do it is so quiet and peaceful to be away from home for a few days, not having any cooking or cleaning to do, always eating out (often at someone else's expense), meeting new people, and having a change from the normal office routine - I wouldn't let your dh get you feeling too sorry for him. If it is happening too often and causing problems in your relationship, then he needs to think about changing his duties a bit and whether the extra cash/status from travelling so much is really worth it in his life. Also, if he won't go away with you, why don't you go away with a mate and let him experience being at home with the kids one weekend.

Ha - Norma! I don't think that was on Mum2boy's mind, but it probably is now, nice one - NOT!

Mum2boy - I don't blame you for feeling pissed off that his work comes hand in hand with a busy social life. It must be really difficult. You can't telp hmn not to, it's part of his job and you know it has to be done, but it must be hard to handle all the same. I'd hate it tbh. What can I say to you hon'? look forward to be retired together??!!! xx

Yeah dadslib, I guess my last post sounded a bit 'sour grapes' or something, but it is hard not to feel a bit resentful about it at times.

Dh is sometimes so tired at the end of a business trip/conference/you name it, that he ends up getting a migraine and has to spend the weekend lying down... I realise it's not pleasant for him either, but it's hard when ds & I have been looking forward to spending some together as a family, because we don't get to see enough of him. Our lives just seem to be consumed by dh's job a lot of the time - I guess that's what I'm trying to say.

Mum2Boy - my dh works away mon - fri and has been doing since june. And like Dadslib said it is not fun for them. Agree with spacemonkey it must be awful to sit there kisses someones ass for them when you would rather be taking your wife to the hotel/restraunt. How is your time spent at the weekend?

I dont think he is having an affair btw so dont worry about that!

Thanks Thomcat & outofpractice... believe me there have been times when I've really freaked out about some of the 'socialising' that comes with his job. People are always phoning him with work related stuff on week nights and weekends, one guy even rang our house at 6.50am on a Sunday morning and woke both of us up... I was SO angry. We also get lots of phone calls from dh's work when we're on holidays - it's like he can't even have time off without being tracked down. And it seems like every second week (every week sometimes), there is something somewhere that he has to go to. As you can imagine, I have really flipped out sometimes....

Is this normal by the way??? To never be 'left alone' by your job? Very frustrating

I'm afraid it's your DH I feel sorry for - does he enjoy his job? - if not I would encourage him to change job and then maybe he would get one that did not involve so much overnight travel/entertaining and 24/7 involvement.

What did you think of the posting link that spacemonkey did - a clear picture of what "entertaining clients" is like in reality.

I know that being at home with a toddler in tow is not always ideal but I know what I would rather do.

Do you work? I presume from your post that you don't - please correct me if I'm wrong. My next statement is controversial and is just my opinion: But I would be grateful to my husband working those sort of hours if it gave me the opportunity to be a SAHM - I definatly wouldn't be moaning at him. Give the guy a break - would you rather change places with him?

He DOES enjoy his job Sonnet - so much so that a few times he's intimated that he doesn't want to give up the travelling, etc, when I have complained about it. He gets so many 'perks', that I'm sure he wouldn't even consider giving it up. Even dh has admitted that he thinks I've been more than patient with his work-related activities.

And please don't think that I'm sitting at home twiddling my thumbs, I am very busy with ds and his activities, and I'm also a student who works very hard with study & assignments. I also worked full-time for most of our relationship until I had ds, and yes, I appreciate the fact that I can now devote a lot of my time to him.

As far as entertaining clients, I really don't think that all business people dislike doing it, in fact I think some of them get a kick out of it... I've met quite a few of them over the course of my career and dh's. It just depends of the type of person you are, I suppose.

some employers are like that - but more and more employers are becoming aware that it is important for the success of their business that their employees have a healthy work/life balance ... less stress = less illness = happier and more productive staff.

If dh isn't happy with the way work is intruding into your personal lives, maybe he could make some changes at work - delegate more maybe? It may be that it is beyond his control, but for the sake of your happiness as a family, he needs to see if there's anything he can do to improve the situation because it's obviously having a negative impact on all three of you.

Mum2boy- I understand totally where you are coming from. DH has a very stressful job. Very little travelling thank god but very long hours (every weekend and most nights until 10pm or 11pm). And I HATE it. It's not just the problm of dealing with an auti 4 year old and a toddler by myslef, it is all the time spent alone (why I'm on here so much I need adult company). The thing is dh HATES his job as much as I do I know he doesn't want to be working but that he has to. If he enjoyed it as your dh does then yep I think I'd really resent it.

So sorry no advice, but I do understnad why you find it hard.

My DH never "switches off" from work - he has to be contactable 24/7 - so plenty of late night/weekend phone calls. His daily commute is 1.2 hours each way into London, so leaves around 5.00am each day, getting home around 7.30pm/8.00pm.

Occasionally work takes him abroad for a couple of weeks at a time - this year it has been more frequent - since March it's been every 8 or so weeks.

It used to bother me in the past, but now I'm so used to it I don't give it a second thought. The way I think of it now is that he earns b**dy good money which in turn has allowed me to stay at home with our 3 kids (although I now work part-time as my children are older and I wanted to something during the day).

He often has "social" events to attend to in London but sometimes stays over as its not worth the journey back to then turn around to get back into London at 5.00am.

Tonight he won't be back as he has the 1st of his Christmas "dos" (he's got 3 to go to) so I wont' see him until tomorrow night. I'm not fussed as I'm out tonight with the girls from work

In the past, we have had many arguments about it, but I know my DH LOVES his job, he has a fantastic very "family-orientated" boss who is quite happy for DH to take odd days off here and there even though he's used up his holiday entitlement.

I know what it's like having to stay in hotels for work - I used to occasionally with my job before children - and I HATED it! Very boring, lonely and I missed my home comforts. It must be a lot worse if you've got children missing you at home.

Mum2Boy - I was not suggesting for one minute that you were sitting at home twiddling your thumbs.....From my own point of view ( which I did stress twice on th posting) I would appreciate being able to spend all my time with my children - DH being away a lot would get me down too but you have to take the rough with the smooth and I was only trying to remind you of that.

I can only relate your position to the way I would feel - I have had to entertain clients and travel abroad regularly in my past jobs and IMHO the shine wears off pretty quick and you would rather be at home with DH - especially if you add children into the equation. I occasionally still do have to be away overnight and I dread it - not only being away form DH and DD's but all the organising that goes with being away from home and having a family - never mind sitting in a restaurant with people I don't choose to be with no matter how nice they may be - antisocial or what!!

My opinion again : if Dh is suffering migraines at the weekend on a regular basis his health is suffering big time - that is his bodys way of telling him - he may be enjoying his job but it isn't doing him any good ( or his relationship by the sound of it!)

Aww jimjams you sound like me, I have been feeling terribly lonely just lately - what would we do without mumsnet eh?

Mum2Boy
I do sympathise with you -but also with your dh.
Although my dh doesn't often have to go away, he does entertain clients for a living - at this time of year he can easily have two lunches and two evening functions to go to. It's sort of expected that he drinks along with clients as well, so like your dh he doesn't enjoy socialising in his free time (ie with me), and NEVER drinks at home. Now that I'm pregnant I don't mind that , but before, it used to annoy me that he wouldn't have a glass of wine withme over dinner etc. And I used to get really jealous of what I saw as the great time he was having.

But then I came back to work and had to do quite a bit of client entertaining myself -and I realised that it's not fun at all - going out for dinner with business contacts honestly isn't enjoyable - it's a job, and a knackering one at that (not quite as hard as looking after a toddler - but similar, particularly at the end of a boozy evening!

It does sound though as if it is taking over your dh's (and your) life a bit. It sounds as though he gets lots of pressure from his work - rather than adding to it, try helping him to deal with it better (This sounds like I'm getting at you but I don't mean it like that) if you sit down and talk to him sympathetically (I'm worried about you darling, you seem so tired, your work seems so stressful, can I help you to change things for the better) he might listen. My dh now has a system where he entertains as the industry expects from April- Dec (but limits nights out to 2/week except in Dec), but has no alcohol or dinners out from Jan 5th to 31st March. It's much better for his health, and his waistline, and it's not an issue with work because all his clients know about it (and vye with each other to have the first lunch in April!)

I suppose Sonnet, when you mention the organising that comes with your travelling, it would probably be harder for you because (as women & mothers) we seem to get left with most of the organising anyway. Men (OMG, here I go generalising again - no comments from Tom please if you're out there) just seem to be able to pack a bag and leave without having to worry about anything else. That is certainly the way it is with dh, because I do everyting else.

DH has suffered with migraines for years now, it seems to run in his family, but they seem to have increased in recent years. I do feel for him very much, I'm sure it's awful, but there are times when I just tire of the 'cycle' of work and headaches... doesn't make for a great family life IYKWIM.

The money is good, but the toll it takes on family life & relationships is not so good sometimes... you seem to have to choose one or the other these days.

Any cahnce of booking yourselves a family holiday early in the New Year? My DH gets so involved in his work that all his days melt into one he says!!I think time away is important when it gets like this, even an over nighter, which we keep promising to do but never get round to.

Forgot to add that my DH too works long hours although he isn't away overnight very often ( 1 to 2 nights max per month)- he hates being away overnight and will try to avaoid it as often as poss ( he dosn't need to entertain more a question of travel logistics).
I now work part-time after working full time with DD1 and unfortunatly dh's new job with longer hours ment that I was able to do this and spend more time with DD2 - I apprecaite this very much and what DH did for me and his family. I am verylucky as my DH puts all of us first and I appreciate him so so much. I admit that I do sometimes see read when SAHM critisise their DH's for working long hours ( so they can stay at home!) - SORRY.......

Having a family is a joint commitment - they need care and money - and how that is divided up depends on the indiviuals and the circumstances and the rough has to be taken with the smooth ( in your case rough = DH away so much and tired at w/end. Smooth = being able to care for your children exclusivly)

Mum2boy: yep! - they do just pack a bag don't they!! - just like they can work as long as they like at the office but still have a meal on the table to eat when they get back!! - men eh?

I too think that it is one or the other these days - how to get that work life balance is one thing that hasn't been fully worked out yet! - when I find the secret i'll post on mumsnet

just read back what I've written ( when will I learn to pre-view) and I do have a very balck and white view of the world don't I
Please don;t think I'm getting at you Mum2Boy - I'm not...honest....

keep smiling

Mum2Boy my dh usually has to go out for work a couple of nights a week but rarely stays away. My job involves quite a lot of travel but I don't often stay away, preferring to travel long distances to get home instead of staying which makes me tired.

DH hates socialising for work (in theory, though often he actually has quite a good time!) and I tend to take it as an opportunity for some time for ME - don't bother to cook, just snack on what I like, do my nails, lie on the sofa watching what I want to watch, have a bath, chat to mates on phone, stuff face with chocolate etc.

However the last few weeks I have been at home cos I've been ill and I can understand what you are going through as it's nice to have someone come home at the end of the day when you are on your own so much.

How about taking up an evening class or home study course or something to fill up the time.

As for the tired thing, well that's just having kids and working IMO - I don't know anyone who works and has kids who is not permanantly knackered. It's a shame if he gets a migrane and has to go to bed for the weekend.

I guess when it comes down to it he is working to keep the family, so it is hard to resent it. Could you get a part time job so you weren't on your own so much?