dh's job

[Mum2boy]

Does anyone else have a dh or dp who has a job like my dh? He travels regularly, attends dinners & functions, goes away for 'training' sessions (all the while socialising, having dinner/drinks with various people, playing golf etc etc) and then complains of being tired?!!!! He phoned me earlier and said that last night he'd stayed in a nice hotel, been to dinner and went to a casino & then got to bed after midnight sometime. He was quite untalkative and sounded in a bit of a bad mood - when I asked him why, he said "I'm just TIRED, I had a late night". Well it was your choice to go out drinking and to go to bed so b*dy late!!! Meanwhile I'm at home with the toddler hanging on to my leg whinging the whole time I'm trying to talk on the phone, and taking care of all the mundane stuff at home - as per usual. No wonder dh doesn't feel like going out & socialising much when he's at home, he gets to do so much of it with his job. It really bugs me sometimes!!!!! Can anyone else relate to this?

well precisely fio2

I had a real moan about dh's job earlier in the week. I think his employers are really taking the piss to be honest (and no its not great money- it's good for down here, but it is not great- they give a lot of reposnsbility butdo not pay for it- meanwhile the partners rake it in big time but anyway).

What I would like to be able to do is for him to do a slightly less stressful job (paying less) and for me to work part time to earn the difference. Absolutely impossible. Not a chance with DS1. At the moment he goes to school for 2 and a half hours, comes home for lunch then on Mon and Tue stays at home and the rest of the week goes to nursery in the afternoon. Can hardly be fitted around a job. Add in essential meetings, hospital appointments, school trips that he can;t go on unless I go and I reckon I'd be sacked within a month.

So we're stuck with the situation we have for the moment. The bets thing would be for dh to get promoted officially- he's doing the work anyway so the responsibility wouldn;t change but with the extra cash we could afford to pay for help within the home, so I could concentrate on dealing with autism and not housework.

Mum2boy- do you get much hep with housework form a cleaner or something? I know that if we could afford to pay for more cleaning, and decorating etc I would feel a lot less resentful?

I know our situations are different but I do relate to yours mum2boy. Completely.

God that sounds even more like melol

dh is doing most of the managers work aswell and trying to do his masters at the same time. I just feel like I am going to be stuck looking after the kids forever. I had the kids when I was young because I thought I would be able to pursue a career later on - how wrong I was! Funny how things pan out isnt it!

My dh could be out every night but he isn't, because he'd rather be with me and ds. He's turned down umpteen work trips to New York even though I say he could go. He says he wouldn't enjoy it without me.

The downside is, he doesn't earn very much. But I would be very, very unhappy if we didn't split the work at home.

hee hee - know exactly what you mean. I was going to work part time and do goodness knows what.

I go to my evening class once a week (but can only do that as my mum and dad live nearby) and escape on the odd Saturday homeopathy study day and for a few hours I am me. Then I walk back in the house and suddenly its all still there!

The one thing I will say - is looking at the stresses we have been put under as a family I know that we must have a very strong relationship. So thank god for that! At least I'm not doing it all on my own

that hee hee was a reply to fio btw

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StressyHead- your situation sounds awful- any chance of changing job? Sounds unbearable.

Can I just ask you more about the feeling guilty bit? We had this exact argument this weekend. DH had to work (as he always does every weekend) and I made a face- and then was accused to making him feel guilty. TBH I think he feels guilty anyway- I don't think I can make him not feel guilty- he knows the situation at home and he knows he's not seeing the boys as much as he would like to and s he feels guilty. I wasn't trying to make him feel guilty (what's the point- I know he has to work) but I do feel like I should be able to moan if his job affects me more than it should (and it does). Making him feel guilty doesn't really come into it. Do you see what I mean?

I stayed in a hotel for work early this week. I was both tired and bored, but at least I got to read a book. I would rather have been at home, and spent what little free time I had looking into other peoples prams when I browsed the shops, missing my baby.
But I did enjoy the after work drinks.
I felt sorry for my DH when I got home though, as I know he had the more frazzling time.

I think there are good and bad bits of a hectic job with lots of socialising and staying home with children.

For me, I like the fact that if I am feeling lazy I can sit and watch rubbish TV if I like, or waste some time on the internet! - pleasures my dh doesn't have much time for. I don't envy his 3-4 hour commutes every day on crowded trains in all weathers. I don't envy his getting up at 6am every day esp in the middle of winter.

What I do envy is the fact that he mixes with adults every day, and that his work is appreciated and evaluated by other people. Some days I only speak to adults for under 5 minutes in the day, and can work away all day without anyone knowing, let alone appreciating it.

Perhaps it would help you if you went out more yourself - it sounds like he is earning enough money to afford a babysitter for you. If he is tired of eating out that doesn't stop you going with a friend or relative. I eat out with girlfriends and my sister a fair bit. I also have a pub quiz hobby and a wide circle of friends who also love them. If I feel like going to one I only have to email one or two of my 'egghead' friends (Yes, they've been on that already!) and they tell me where they will be tonight.

I know that isn't everyone's ideal night out, but there are lots of things you can do to get adult company and a break from kids. I go to an evening class one night a week. I also go to poetry and writing circles.

While you are out having fun you will forget to think about what he is doing, and your boredom and resentment will evaporate.

Yes, I agree with Janster.

Thinking about it, it has only been since I've gone back to work that being wound up by DH's job has diminished.

I'm out of the house a lot more now (infact Thursday's are my "slobbing round the house" days - although this changes after Christmas as I will be working them). I get to speak to other adults every day and I'm treated as me, not x, y and z's mummy.

I do voluntary work at our school when I'm not working at the nursery and again, meeting another circle of friends.

As I say, things have changed because my children are older (8, 6 and 4) so I'm not tied to the house. Sometimes when I think back to when they were tiny (all under school age), I can say I was fairly unhappy. I felt tied to the house although we did toddler groups every day -which I didn't enjoy to be honest as most conversations revolved around babies/nappies - but I did anything to get out of the house.

It was around that time that I resented DH's job more than ever - I missed decent adult company and felt confined to the house doing boring household stuff.

I'm wondering whether you may feel better about things if you managed to get out of the house and did something for you?

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Oh and this is me - some colleagues friends of dhs from S africa are coming to our town tonight to meet another oftheir English friends (non work and known to us) and dh was going to go out with all of them and leave me at home!! I dont really want to go but its the principle!! I told him this and he sheepishly back tracked

sonnet, your views are eerily similar to my own! and i agree with prufrock. and stressyhead, and everyone else who said it, business travel absolutely sucks, enforced "fun" with clients or colleagues is awful, but if you're not doing that you're stuck in a miserable hotel room, missing the family.

as the main earner, have to say i would go ballistic if dh gave me a hard time about hours or business travel - i have already cut it down to the minimum possible for us to pay the bills and not to fail at my job - plus of course i have a hefty domestic workload too. prufrock's suggestion of making suggestions in a constructive way is really good.

we are actually pretty thrifty when it comes to spending money, much more so than other people we know with similar household incomes... so i tend to fall about laughing when people suggest cutting out "luxuries" as the solution to our situation, the "problem" is high housing costs in london...

just in case anyone was dying to trot out the give up luxuries thing... i'm really cranky today and probably couldn't contain myself!

CountessDracula, I did mention earlier in my post that I am a student - I devote sometimes 20 or 30 hours a week to study & assignments. I do keep busy during the week (how could you not, with a young child - places to go, things to do) plus managing the household. It is not the time I spend alone that bothers me - it's the sometimes 'over the top' social life that comes with dh's job!!

Really - I do not mind being at home on my own sometimes at night when he's away. I DO use that time to do things for myself, or to catch up with family or friends. The problem is that a lot of dh's socialising is done through his JOB and not at HOME, sometimes I feel like we're missing out as a couple & as a family, because he gets so much of a social life blended in with his job that he doesn't necessarily feel like socialising when he's not at work. I hope people understand what I mean, I think this is coming across as though I resent him travelling, etc - it's not that at all.

A lot of the time he spends away on business trips/training sessions etc, his colleagues are often there with him (some of them are good mates) so it's hardly just an 'unenjoyable, boring evening spent with clients. DH's group at work (his department) always seem to have a lot of fun together, and an awful LOT of socialising goes on. I know dh enjoys working there but this aspect of his job is the hardest for me to deal with sometimes.

I'm posting again beacause I know you are here and I want to say that I really didn't mean to offend or upset or worry you with my earlier post. It was a bit insensitive, but struck a horrible chord with me that's all. I'm sorry.

Mum2boy- I understand totally what you mean. Not having the time to be together as a family - for whatever reason is really tough. I hate it. I do hope you can find some way to get round it. Maybe set some dates in the diary and start there?

Totally understand Norma, that's ok. I have worried about it once or twice with dh (when I know he's had a late night and isn't very talkative). But the reason could be a variety of things, and I can't just assume that he's been doing something behind my back.

My one hope is that out of all of dh's colleagues, dh seems to be one of the few who HASN'T had a fling somewhere along the line. I know personally quite a few of his colleagues (past and present) who don't hide the fact that they regularly have flings or one-night stands with other colleagues or clients. They all assure me though, that dh is 'steadfast' when it comes to me - but it's not very nice knowing that he works in this kind of an environment.

I understand what you mean too. DH worked really long hours until recently and it had to change, it couldn't go on. What would have been the point? It was like living alone! Family life must be given some time and if work pressures don't allow, then I think people are in the wrong job. I've said it time and again - they don't stay little for long and once you've missed it, that's it. Time enough to work a 70 hour week when they are 16/18 and don't want much to do with you.

Mum2boy I think there does have to be alot of trust if this arrangement is to work - which you obviously do trust him. I can understand why all the socialising is grating you down if you are also trying to study aswell. It has started getting on my nerves that me and my dh are living seperate lives at the moment but hopefully that wont be for much longer. I do hope you can come to some sort of compromise with your dh over this.