Think I am making the hugest mistake

[popsycalindisguise]

Work
After lots of illness when pregnant with ds2 and an abysmal sick record since returning in September due to my health and umpteem health issues with ds2, I asked work to reduce my hours to two days per week. I have wanted this for so long and have struggled on and on with work whilst hating it so much. My health has suffered because of it. I want to spend more time with the boys before ds1 goes to school in September this year.

To my surprise, work have said I can work two days from wb 27.2.06 - but odd hours until september. Since they told me last week, I have spent my time sick with worry - about money, about being able to cope, about telling the childminder we can't afford her anymore (told her this morning and while she understand, I got myself into a right state driving away from her house)

I am petrified that I have done the wrong thing - not just for me - but for Dh and the boys too. What if I don't feel any better in myself working two days a week? What if the house if still a bombsite? What if the boys don't get as much out of life as they do with the childminder? What if I encourage ds2's insane clinginess by being there too much? What if we don't have enough money? What if dh resents me for not having to be in work?

Am I just blowing this all out of proportion?
I feel like cack

POpsy, you are tired and worn out and need to give yourself a break. soon the houses will be tidyer. but give yourself a break and get better first.

kids with you is a good thing btw!
ds2 will be clingy wheter he is at a child minder or not..and thenone day he will be fine...

get some rest!

popsy, big hugs. I have been there too - and go back there often! My house is a bombshell, yet this morning my Mum (MY MUM) absent mindedly commented on how clean and tidy my house was. This is the woman who wouldn't predict me an A on my UCAS form because my bedroom was messy! I'm afraid I don't have any answers except to look after yourself.

popsy, big hugs. I have been there too - and go back there often! My house is a bombshell, yet this morning my Mum (MY MUM) absent mindedly commented on how clean and tidy my house was. This is the woman who wouldn't predict me an A on my UCAS form because my bedroom was messy! I'm afraid I don't have any answers except to look after yourself.

you are stressed out by everything - have a rest - forget the house and just enjoy spending time with your kids - forget the rest for the time being.

First of all... breathe.

It is a huge change, and is understandably going to bring all these worries.

First one... If you don't feel any better in yourself (don't know any of your history, sorry , so don't know if it is mentally or physically) then I would say that work isn't the underlying cause, and it will give you another angle to look at things at iyswim... kind of like elimination diets.

House still a bombsite - are you stopping work to clean, or to spend time with your boys before school? To my mind the house is always a second place thing - if it gets and stays clean, it is a bonus, but the mum thing is more important.

Boys don't get as much out of life - they will get their mum, something they can't get from a childminder. They will still have their 2 days a week wherever they are too I am assuming...

DS2 being clingy - I get the feeling if they are gonna be clingy, then they'll be clingy whatever . It could be that by having you around more, it lessens.

If you don't have enough money - economise, or if all else fails and it really goes wrong, then increase your hours again. As long as you keep on top of it and are sensible, then a smaller budget is doable - just make sure that you know where everything is and needs to be at all times, so that you don't suddenly look one day and realise that the hole is too big to get out of.

DH resenting you - Talk to him! I know that my DH would love to be home more, but at the end of the day, he knows equally how miserable I would be away from DD, and my miserable is more acute than his "it'd be nice" iyswim. Luckily I am married to a man who doesn't see mess , so we don't have a whole "what have you been doing all day" thing - the one thing to have changed since I became full time SAHM is that he never cooks anymore (before it was shared), and he seems to appreciate that.

I don't know if any of that helped - just really things as I saw them.

Thanks folks

You are all correct! I am shattered. DS2 had a hideous night and even when he was sleeping, I was awake stressing abotu telling the childminder and planning my 'speech'. God - I sound like a right nutcase!

DH doesnt really see mess (he is worse than me!) so that isnt the problem really. He hates his job but like your dh, Flamesparrow, he would like to be home more in an 'it;d be nice' way rather than me, hope is distraught at leaving the boys . Now I do sound like a nutcase

It will all be fine, you are just feeling nervous of change, popsy!

Clinginess is best dealt with by being there for your kids, then they will develop natural confidence to branch outwards from a secure base. So spending more time with your son will help.

Your house won't transform into a show home, it will probably not improve much, but who cares, there are more important things. Don't raise your expectations on that one.

Draw up a new budget with dp and stick to it, then you will know you can afford your lifestyle and will feel in control.

Your work were helpful, so please be happy about that! And you are following your heart in spending more time with the kids; be happy about that too. You will feel better when your stress levels go down, so you need to stop outting all sorts of pressure on yourself. You have made a good decision, now move forward with positivity and do not keep revisiting that decision. This is a positive change, all you need to do is believe it!!!

I would have been the same with the childminder... I threw up twice at the whole idea of just handing in my notice because I was worried about letting them down - the thought of having to talk to a childminder would tip me right over the edge!

I now have to write a letter confirming it and feel sick.
god i need to get a grip

It is so easy to get yourself in a stew over these things popsy. I know, I do it myself from time to time. I guess you are a bit of a perfectionist, and you are worried that you will fall short of your ideal?

Reassure yourself: you have taken a sensible decision that will ensure you protect your health and wellbeing and spend more time with your children.

Or look at it another way - if you had come on to mumsnet and said "help, my health is suffering and I'm stressed that my boys don't see me enough" - what advice would you have been given? Precisely what you have done! (Maybe you did ask and I missed it )

Don't worry - congratulate yourself on sidestepping the martyr role and look forward to enjoying the time you are not at work

Hope you can have a talk with your dh where you say 'I'm worried that xyz' and that he can take all these on board. Trouble shared, trouble halved and all that...

You have done brilliantly - you identified two major problems and have faced and sorted them both. The reality is, you are coping really well. It is just very stressful and taking a horrible toll on you. Breathe in for 8 and out for 11.... and get that rest.....

popsy, you can't take responsibility for everyone. Your childminder will and does understand. She is running a business. People's circumstances change all the time and as a childminder she will know that! Bear in mind that some parents just terminate contracts without a by-your-leave, or simply don't turn up, you are being both fair and responsible by letting her know your change of circumstances. For all you know, the following day she may be approached by someone needing childcare that she would have had to turn down otherwise. That's the way life works IME.

Why not give it a go, and if it doesn't work well, would your job let you revert back to current schedule/hours?

Will be tricky to up my hours again - but to be honest, if I wasnt reducing my hours I would be looking for a new job elsewhere anyway. So if it doesnt work out, I can do that.

I have talked to DH and while he is being supportive when we talk, I need more from him, I guess I need to spell it all out more clearly.

The childminder was lovely and totally understands as she knows what DS2 has been like and what my health has been like. She has had ds1 for 3 years and I hadnt really thought about how she is close to him etc. She seemed sad too - but as you say, that is life/business

That's your head talking popsy - now you've got to believe in your heart that you are doing the right thing

popsy, many years ago when my dd was ill all the time, I reduced my hours to 2 days a week. It was like a godsend! I felt I could dedicate more time to the kids but still had my foot in the door at work for when circumstances improved and I could do a bit more.

You sound completely exhausted and in need of a break!

Money is one thing but honestly popsy, what I have learned over the last few years is that you cannot buy your health or your children's health and if this is what you need to do for your family's health, then do it!

Good luck.

Thank you foxinsocks - i really needed to hear a success story right now.

I know it is what we need as a family - i freally do. Just need to get on with it and know that it will be fine. No, it will be great.
God I cant stop crying - what a wimp

Popsy, give your self a break, you worry far too much. Enjoy your time with your boys, you are a fantastic mum and I am sure you are capable of giving them what they need to get enough out of life, have fun with them, get yourself mentally and physically better, sort out ds2 sleeping issue. And get your mum/sister to look after the boys one afternoon of one of the half days a week so you can take some time out for youself.
How can your dh resent you for not working more when he sees what you ahve been going through the last year and more!
In a couple of years the boys will be older and then you can think again about going back to work some more. You have a very flexible vocation, make the most of it!

I think you've come a long way already.

WELL DONE for making some really tricky and brave decisions. That's the hardest part now let yourself relax and enjoy your new life. You wanted some things to change and you've made it happen I think that is something to be hugely proud of.

Thanks again everyone

I know we have talked about this on MSN briefly, but you are doing the right thing Popsy. And in a few weeks time, as things gradually get better and better, you will begin to see if more clearly too.

It is with people like YOU that I made the big change last year. It is only now, looking back, that I see how bad things had become and how much it was affecting my health and home life. At the time the safest thing seemed to stay where I was - it IS scary making changes that will affect everyone in the family and where there is no guarantee it will solve anything.

The change will give you more time - more time for you, more time for the children and more time for DH. And all that helps. You health will gradually improve and you'll become less tired and feel less unhappy witht hings.

It is the best decision I ever did. It was scary to make the jump and to make changes. But, with all the support I got here and from DH (when he realised I had to do something) I made the change. I am no longer that unhappy person.

Go for it! And don't think of what ifs. What will be will be...and I am sure it will all be positive.

letter written to childminder so that is one mre thing out of the way

Popsy - I'm just cutting my days from 3, down to 2 (but with a lot less responsibility, and therefore, less work to bring home).

I know it's scary - you are standing balanced on the edge at the moment, but once you start your new reduced hours, I'm sure you will see that it is the right thing for you and your family.

Can you use any of your new spare time to do something for yourself like go swimming, or yoga, or join a choir? Quite apart from wanting to spend more time with my dd and dh and needing more time to tidy the house - one of the reasons I'm cutting my days is because I want to re-start some of my old hobbies again. I know that might sound selfish, but I think it's important to have time to yourself and it can only benefit your family if you are feeling happier, stronger and better able to cope.

I will still have ds2 with me (he is 11 months) on my days at home. DS1 is at nursery school on the mornings. so wont have much time to myself

Are there things you will be able to get done at home in the day when you only have DS2 with you so that you can give yourself an "evening off" each week?