After a week in hospital with ds I have learnt one truly mind blowing fact...

[ShowOfHands]

The trouble with being resident on a paediatric department is that they won't allow you internet access or television channels which show anything other than cartoons or beige daytime television. I've had days of people flogging their grannies' prized belongings out of a carboot in order to afford a naff conservatory and I've reached saturation point with the mutated forms of programmes fronted by wide boy cheeky chappies who show nosey feckers round other people's houses, encourage them to judge and then nobody buys the sodding place anyway. And at some point I'm going to take the usually quick-witted and silver-tongued Jenny Eclair to one side post filming of Loose Women and quietly and worriedly enquire 'what the hell happened? Can you get out? Do you need help?' I'm worried for the poor love.

Anyway, I've started a love affair with Homes Under the Hammer. You see I've watched before and been so enamoured with the Devonian auctioneer in the striped suit that I've failed to fully appreciate the comedy stylings of Silky Chops Martin and Interestingly Coiffeured Lucy. The puns. The walking whilst talking. The pointing whilst tutting. They are truly skilled. Anyway, Martin was doing a serious piece to camera in front of a dilapidated 1930s semi. He was reassuring the viewer (prostrate and covered in crisps at this point) about his house buying credentials. He confirmed that literally tens of people had asked him for advice concerning the buying of houses at auction over the years. And he had one key tip. It was to the point. It was so simple in its exposition I was delighted. Hang onto your hats...

"When buying a property at auction, make sure you stand somewhere the auctioneer can see you."

I know, I know. Brilliant isn't it?

I presume this is as opposed to standing behind an antique armoire for example. I didn't realise, truly. I am imagining droves of property hunters dressed as a shit Where's Wally, half concealed behind a wall perchance or deliberately obscured by a novelty hat, returning home later deflated and concerned because once again they've failed to buy a house.

I am sooooooo sleep deprived. Nothing else about the week stands out. But I feel I've been educated.

I used to watch Homes under the hammer on maternity leave. That way madness lies........

Have you noticed the music on HUTH? Always wittily chosen to complement the on screen action.

Homes Under the Hammer is fabulous. I love the idiots who buy it without having ever been inside then get all upset when they find out it has neither roof, ceilings or stairs.

I saw him in Regent's Street once, while Christmas shopping. He's surprisingly tall IRL.

IYes it has neither roof, nor ceiling, nor stairs but it does have a damp problem, has subsided into the crooked house from the rhyme and has a tree growing through the window. It's not all bad.

The music is not wittily chosen to complement the action btw. I thought this too until I'd watched it for several days in a row and realised that some sound engineer somewhere is taking the piss for his own amusement.

I like it when the local property experts stride with purpose down the street in order to pass judgement on the quality of the fittings. It's nice for them to get out of the office for a morning I think.

I love the music! It's wonderfully literal. Like, if it's an old house, they play "This Old House", or if a room's painted yellow, it'll be "Yellow". I bet they enjoy choosing the most obvious tracks!

Yes I feel for Jenny too. I've had the misfortune to turn the TV on to Loose Women a very few times (I had a working internet connection and variety of channels to choose from) but every time I've seen her I worry for her blood pressure. She has developed a throbbing vein by the looks of it.

I think it's too late for JSP. She has sold her soul to ITV but Jenny could be saved. Maybe we should stage an intervention??

How's DS now Showy? And how are you?

Oh I obviously haven't watched it enough.

(Hope your DS is OK by the way)

I prefer David Dickinson and his 'oktion'. And that he makes all his co-experts say oktion too so he doesn't realise he's a prat.

Yes, hope ds is OK now.

"The finish is not quite as high as I would expect to see on this kind of property. I'd put the market rental value at £550pcm."

"Well that's a bit less than I'd hoped for to be honest but I still reckon I can get £800pcm for it because otherwise i'm screwed after the cost of dealing with that bloody tree".

Lorne Spicer was a stalwart of loft-emptying daytime broadcasting when I was last on mat leave. She was terrifying.

Love HUTH. Could watch it 24/7. May possibly have tiny weeny crush on Martin.

I've got t have 2 months off work for w medical thingy and Homes under the Hammer is one thing I'm looking forward too. Do you think it would be really sad to start recording it now so I have a back catalogue ready when I need it?

Oh sweet lord my spelling and typing has gone to pot!

Homes under the Hammer is fantastic TV when you are off work sick. Is there no end to the people that buy a property without ever having been inside it, who are deaf to all the advice there is about these situations these days?
Hope your ds is on the mend.

Ooh I just remembered a really good huth. There was a rather unattractive man who'd been on before but this time he had his new wife who was going to be allowed to do the decoration. She was great - all fake tan and big, big hair with bra showing through her top. It was obviously a real love match. Nothing to do with ugly bloke having more money than sense. Oh no

It never got that bad that I watched Lorne Spicer or Orange Head Dickinson. Lorne in particular I'm very suspicious of. I think they finish filming and as soon as the camera's off she kills a runner for sport.

I enjoy HUTH an inordinate amount. Littlefish, you will need the backlog. You can play daytime telly bingo throughout. 10 points each for...

"I'm going to project manage it myself" out of the mouths of people who would struggle to project manage a cup of tea.

Two mates from uni who have decided to have a go at the property game, possibly both called Dave and are absolutely unfazed by the Japanese knotweed creeping its way through their bargain house. They're more interested in where to put the snooker table.

Anybody who went along to buy one place, got carried away and bought something else entirely.

It is, btw, illegal to fancy Martin. The fabric of reality splits a little everytime anybody imagines him naked. It's silly and dangerous.

I must also admit here in this safe space that I also watched Pointless every day and at one point was so tired that I was imagining doing bad things to both the presenter and the dour chappy with the answers.

DS is much recovered thank you. He had manflu. Which at 6 months is G&T frankly.

at manflu at 6months! You've got some fun to look forwards to then!

My FIL's cousin was on HUTH. Martin got all excited about the development potential of a field up for sale. FIL's cousin bought it to house his alpacas. I'm not sure Martin really knew what an alpaca was but he looked dejected.

I like his voice, he can do a whole octave in one sentence. The punns and the music is starting to wind me up though, enough all ready! Too cheesy, day in day out!

I though martin's major piece of advice was "read the legal pack" ?

and he loves separate toilets, but lucy hates them

graham barton is the devon guy. sorry i think he's a bit of a dish.

I was in the hospital (not paediatrics) and couldn't watch the telly at all without paying for it.

edam are you sure it was him? I walked right past him in Camberwell about 2 years ago and he was tiny! I swear he was no taller than me (5'4")

I particularly like when they walk and talk to camera how they sort of look like they're jostling for position...

we also record some of the new ones on bbc one and watch them in the evening.

i love the music choices, but hate the crappy gags (that martin used to say in all seriousness, but now rolls his up at pretending he knows they're crappy)

huth is now cult tv, y'know.

I love homes under the hammer.

But why, whenever I watch it, is there always a 2 up 2 down in Derby with a tricky bathroom configuration?

oooh , we did our own huth with dh's mum's house! after it was bought at auction, the new owners (who were doing it up to rent out) let him look round it and film it (so he could show his siblings). it looked really goood afterwards, and they kept the downstairs toilet and pantry.
and moved some walls round upstairs to make a better bathroom.

but they did my bugbear of putting radiators on the outside wall! whyyyyyy ? you're just heating the air outside!

it had exactly the same finish, carpets and paint as alll the houses in huth