After a week in hospital with ds I have learnt one truly mind blowing fact...

[ShowOfHands]

The trouble with being resident on a paediatric department is that they won't allow you internet access or television channels which show anything other than cartoons or beige daytime television. I've had days of people flogging their grannies' prized belongings out of a carboot in order to afford a naff conservatory and I've reached saturation point with the mutated forms of programmes fronted by wide boy cheeky chappies who show nosey feckers round other people's houses, encourage them to judge and then nobody buys the sodding place anyway. And at some point I'm going to take the usually quick-witted and silver-tongued Jenny Eclair to one side post filming of Loose Women and quietly and worriedly enquire 'what the hell happened? Can you get out? Do you need help?' I'm worried for the poor love.

Anyway, I've started a love affair with Homes Under the Hammer. You see I've watched before and been so enamoured with the Devonian auctioneer in the striped suit that I've failed to fully appreciate the comedy stylings of Silky Chops Martin and Interestingly Coiffeured Lucy. The puns. The walking whilst talking. The pointing whilst tutting. They are truly skilled. Anyway, Martin was doing a serious piece to camera in front of a dilapidated 1930s semi. He was reassuring the viewer (prostrate and covered in crisps at this point) about his house buying credentials. He confirmed that literally tens of people had asked him for advice concerning the buying of houses at auction over the years. And he had one key tip. It was to the point. It was so simple in its exposition I was delighted. Hang onto your hats...

"When buying a property at auction, make sure you stand somewhere the auctioneer can see you."

I know, I know. Brilliant isn't it?

I presume this is as opposed to standing behind an antique armoire for example. I didn't realise, truly. I am imagining droves of property hunters dressed as a shit Where's Wally, half concealed behind a wall perchance or deliberately obscured by a novelty hat, returning home later deflated and concerned because once again they've failed to buy a house.

I am sooooooo sleep deprived. Nothing else about the week stands out. But I feel I've been educated.

They've realised 'read the legal pack' is falling on deaf ears and have toned it down a bit. Make sure the auctioneer can see you is probably stop one on the way to 'make sure you've some money in the bank'.

The paediatric department is the only department in the hospital to have free television because it keeps the children still and quiet. But they block the Internet and most channels outside of BBC and it only works between 7am and 9pm. After 9pm, the 4yos all get their ipads/ipods/laptops out instead.

"When buying a property at auction, make sure you stand somewhere the auctioneer can see you."

What the f* do you do if your bidding by phone then?

Let's see what it looks like 6 months later...

Weeeellll, they've painted it white and stripped the floors. And bingo, a huge showerhead! And what are you going to do with it People With No Imagination? We'll put in on the market for a bit and otherwise rent it out of course.

There's always a rundown bungalow that isn't as exciting as the land it occupies and a former hairdressers too.

not long ago there was a gorgeous house right near where martin grew up.
he loved it, but didn't buy it.
the buyers said they loved it too, but when they went back, they'd fucked it up completely because "it wasn't big enough"

If planning permission is needed the cameras return to see the properry completely unchanged. Pointless.

I love the literal music. HUTH is what I watch when I should be studying.

DH accidently had a day off and watched that program where people go to australia and decide wether they wanna live there or not. Well he was most put out that after nearly an hour of him sitting through the flannel, the family didn't move after all.

He was really miffed he hasn't a clue about daytime telly.

fucking hate that show!
we are still at home in the morning when it comes on, and i have to hastily change channel! not good if dd's eating, cos i can't move to find the remote!

I love the super duper technologically advanced uk vs oz thing they do with the laminated flags. Bet they feel like right prunes stood there spinning a bit of plastic to camera.

And the conclusion's always the same. Australia's a bit warmer than the UK but it's a long way away and you'll miss your family. No shit sherlock.

I used to ADORE Homes Under The Hammer when DC3 was newborn.

Take the others to school, retire home for tea, cake, breastfeed, newborn cuddles and Homes.

aaah lovely twas

I also remember the music. A house being auctioned as it had some fire damage would have the "FIRE!!! Da Da DA Da DA!!" one and a really dilapidated one would have "Rescue Me!! Hold me in your arms, Rescue Meeee!"

Used to REALLY piss me off when they'd go back after 3 months and the owner had done fuck all with it because they'd run out of money or "hadn't got planning permission yet" WELL GET BLOODY PLANNING PERMISSION YOU MORON THERE ARE BREASTFEEDING MOTHERS EATING VICTORIA SPONGE DEPENDING ON YOU.

Don't forget the houses are never quite what they want, what with being designed to cope with a fucking hot country and being all on one level, open plan, no cuddly, warm carpets. And the utter shock that you still actually have to pay for things over there and while you might get a few dollars for your pound when you are working there you'll be earning an Aussie wage so won't actually be able to realise your dream of having a huge house and long holidays by the beach. Oh and not all houses have sea views.

"WELL GET BLOODY PLANNING PERMISSION YOU MORON THERE ARE BREASTFEEDING MOTHERS EATING VICTORIA SPONGE DEPENDING ON YOU."

.

VICTORIA SANDWICH

True. But I don't care what you call it so long as I can eat it.

Oh I'm always secretly and rather meanly pleased when they go back and nothing's been achieved. Terry who got fed up with working in accounts and on a whim bought a rundown semi in Hull intones dully to camera "well we started work shortly after we bought the property but we uncovered an Indian burial ground and angered some spirits so we've had to stop for a while. I'm back in accounts for t'time being so it's not all bad". It's wonderfully bathetic.

And people go on that Wanted Down Under thing because they've flicked through a brochure in the travel agents and it looked like a nice quality of life or it looks sunny when they see it on Neighbours.

There is always a house that parents have bought for their waster child to do up.

There's a property auction on locally today.

I'm going to go there and see how many people are playing peekaboo with the auctioneer.

Max, yes, it was definitely him. Maybe he seemed taller because he had a small boy perched on his shoulders so I was looking up?

The people in Wanted Down Under always sob when they get messages from home about how much Granny/Mum/Aunty Doris and the dog will miss them. Well duh, you are talking about moving to the other side of the world, did you really think your Mum could still pop round when you run out of sugar?

This thread is brilliant. I have done proper belly laughing.

I know it's a nit out of date, but I'm going to post this to give it a cheerful bump