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Original poster

I have found something out about my husband....

37 replies

notsurewhattodo · 26/01/2006 18:18

I'm not a troll but i have quite a few frinds on here who know both me and dh personally so don't want to risk anything.

Dh is adopted and we all know this but none of the family really discuss it. He says he knows his birth mothers name but that's about it. Anyway, I went to see his aunty the other day and we got onto the subject in the new recently about birth mothers etc being able to trace their adopted children and I said that dh doesn't kow what he would do if he got the letter from an agency saying that someone was trying to find him. His aunty told me that if he wanted to know the details about his adoption then he should speak to his aunty X who arranged it all as his birth mother knew them and it was all sorted out via them. Anyway she then told me that as far as she knew his birth mother was a single woman who already had one child when she was pg with dh and that she just couldn't cope.

Dh does not know this and the story I get from him is that she was very young and couldn't cope with a child at the time.

Would you keep quiet about it?

OP posts:
Lonelymum · 26/01/2006 18:19

I can't see why you need to keep this secret from him. Do you think it will upset him to know it?

mummytosteven · 26/01/2006 18:20

I think you should tell him, and then leave it up to him whether he wishes to pursue this any further or not.

spacedonkey · 26/01/2006 18:21

I'd tell him about it - I'm sure he would want to know!

RTKangaMummy · 26/01/2006 18:22

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Original poster
notsurewhattodo · 26/01/2006 18:27

TBH I think that he finds it hard anyway that he wasn't "wanted" in the first place and that his birth mother could not cope with any children full stop. I'm not sure what finding out that it was specifically him that she didn't want would do to him.

The aunty X that knows it all has had a big fall out with the family and doesn't talk to any of them so I'm not sure that she would actually tell him anything anyway.

The birth mother must have kept him for a while as he was born in hospital in Feb but the adoption cert is not until Nov that year and according to the aunty I spoke to the reason it took so long was that she didn't turn up at court the first time.

How do you think I should broach it with him?

OP posts:
WigWamBam · 26/01/2006 18:27

I can't see why you would want to keep this from him, to be honest. It's not your place to keep things like this from him - are you trying to protect him from something?

He needs to know what you have found out in order to make an informed decision about whether he tries to trace her or not. He might not want to, but it's his decision.

bubblerock · 26/01/2006 18:30

I'd tell him, but I tell DH everything anyway - he's my best friend

littlemissbossy · 26/01/2006 18:33

Would he really want to know? He's a grown man after all and if he wanted to know about her he could surely find out more himself. I know there are plenty of happy adoption meetup tales but there are also those that just didn't work out.

I know someone who was adopted and met his adoptive mother a couple of years ago. She instigated the meetup and he went along with it partly out of curiosity. They do get on now and they speak every now and again, however his BM had waited all her adult life to meet him and be a mother to him as she bitterly regretted giving him up. He on the other hand doesn't want a mother-son relationship with her because 1. he has this with his adoptive mother whom is very close and 2. he doesn't feel that they actually have anything in common.
It's hard to keep a secret like this, but ask yourself, does HE want to know about her??? and please don't be offended when I ask this, are you sure it's not just you who wants to know more? If he's said he'd like to know more, then tell him.
If not, zip it

anorak · 26/01/2006 18:34

I'd agree with those who say tell him.

Neither DH nor I are adopted but both had difficult childhoods where we didn't feel loved or accepted by our natural parents. But we love each other and that makes up for a lot. You can help your DH

WigWamBam · 26/01/2006 18:37

I agree that it's him who needs to decide whether he wants to know more - but it's wrong to keep information from him that might help him decide what he wants to do.

bubblerock · 26/01/2006 18:39

lmb - now that she has this information though she should tell him, I agree that if he has no interest in finding his birth mother then you really should avoid putting yourself in this situation, don't talk about it with other relatives. It does sound as if you would like to find out more (I would be the same) but it's up to him in the end.

Maybe when you tell him you can find out if he minds you finding out more, if he doesn't want you to then you'll have to respect that.

philippat · 26/01/2006 18:40

can you say something like 'I was talking to aunty and she got talking about how you were adopted. If you ever want to know more, I know she'd be happy to talk it through what she knows with you'? Then you're leaving it up to him if he wants to find out or not.

SheWhoShallRemainNameless · 26/01/2006 18:45

I think you have to tell him. I understand all your misgivings, and I would be very anxious for both of you if I were in your position - but I think you have no right to keep it from him. Imagine how he will feel if he ever finds out that you knew this and didn't tell him? He trusts you. You have to tell him.

HappyMumof2 · 26/01/2006 18:50

Message withdrawn

gapingaxewound · 26/01/2006 18:51

but surely if he really wanted to know he'd have asked round the family already?

Twiglett · 26/01/2006 18:54

I think that now that you know you have no option but to tell him

after all you didn't go snooping, you were told

and now you know something about him that he doesn't know .. if you don't tell him you risk it becoming a deep and dangerous secret that could easily blow your marriage apart .. after all what happens if in 3 years Aunty says "but I told notsurewhattodo ages ago"

you have no choice in my book

if you don't tell him then you are taking the choice away from him

you could tell him you have been told something and does he want to know .. you could write down what you know and give it to him in a sealed letter so it can still be up to him

Yorkiegirl · 26/01/2006 18:56

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Original poster
notsurewhattodo · 26/01/2006 18:58

Aunty at some point in the conversaton said "for gods sake don't ay anything" but I can't remember at what point.

OP posts:
Twiglett · 26/01/2006 18:59

but do you owe allegiance to her or to your DH

helsi · 26/01/2006 19:00

Dh is adpoted and has always said he isn't bothered for findig his natural parents. I think his birth mother was young and single but it doesn't seem to bother him as he had a good life with the adopted parents, however, he won't discuss the new rules with me when we were watching the news.he just said something like "I'd cross that bridge if it happened" - true i suppose.

Adopted · 26/01/2006 19:01

I was also adopted, after being abandoned as a baby. My birth mother came forward but didn't want me so I was adopted.

I have no interest in finding out about the woman who gave birth to me, let alone meeting her, but if my dh had found out what you have found out and kept it from me, I would be livid with him. We do not keep secrets from each other, and especially not over something so major. Even if he does not want to meet her, he has the right to know that you know something which he doesn't.

SheWhoShallRemainNameless · 26/01/2006 19:02

She had no right to ask that of you. I can see why it is awkward for you though. Either you could warn her that you are going to tell him, or you could just tell him. But I wouldn't allow the fact that she mistakenly confided in his wife behind his back to lead you into making an even bigger mistake.

Basically the point is that your relationship, and the need to avoid driving a wedge between you, is so much more important than what he does or doesn't know about his past. However traumatic it is for him I'm sure he would see it that way.

RTKangaMummy · 26/01/2006 19:10

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Original poster
notsurewhattodo · 26/01/2006 19:12

RT - wasn't the rules different though in 1971?

OP posts:
edam · 26/01/2006 19:19

Is that right, RTkanga? Do you know if that has always been the case? My mother was adopted as a small baby, back in '46, but had thought the fact the certificate was dated three months after her birth meant her mother kept her for a while... would be a shame if that wasn't the case.

Notsure, agree with majority here, you have to tell him that his aunt mentioned something to you. Then he has the choice of asking for more information about the conversation or shutting it down.

If it was a private adoption, not through an agency, he will only be able to get information via the family. That's what has made it impossible for my mother to trace her bm, sadly.