Does anyone else have absolutely no help from family?

[sweetkitty]

Suppose I'm just having an overdue hormonal rant today but am feeling really down about having to do all this by myself.

DP and I moved to the opposite end of the country for 8 years when DD was born we decided to move a bit closer one of the resons being DD could see her GPs etc a bit more. We are an hours drive away now. We did live 5 mins away for 4 months between houses but it made no difference. The family who moaned that they would never get to see DD never came to visit that much. I was in early feeling horrid months of pregnancy but not once did anyone offer to take DD out for an hour to let me rest etc. I am especially at my mother who doesn't work is fot and active yet has looked after DD 5 times in her life (a few hours at a time).

Now I am overdue, I have bad SPD/SI pain and am virtually housebound awaiting no2's arrival. Not one person in my family has offered to come and visit and help out. Am I being mean? I look at other people whose mums's come to stay for weeks when a new baby is born and I'm not asking for that, just a few hours off would be nice (oh DD is 18 mo btw). My Mum is always going on about how she never gets to see DD (I haven't been able to drive and visit for months) yet she has visited us twice since we moved (5 months ago).

I know it's going to be even harder with 2 under 2 and just wanted to get some advice on how to cope if you never get a break?

urgh this sounds hideous!

a friend locally has just had no. 2 and two weeks before that her mum died . In practical terms basically the mum circuit is doing its best to help by taking out her eldest, doing food and ironing etc, but it doesn't replace family.

I think it is really hard to ask for help and you have it tough with no offers. No advice really - if you can bear to ask outright then do - do you have a partner who could ask for you?

sorry yes you do

Sorry forgot to say that SIL does visit every few weeks, she has 2 kids and a demanding job so can't really ask her.

She is DD's nominated carer for when no2 eventually decides to arrive but she is away on business most of the next 2 weeks so if I do go into labour DP will have to look after DD DP does his best but he needs to work.

my family are all abroad - dh has his parents in the UK but they are v old

I think you just get on with it - have you thought about joining any antenatal groups for no.2? Even if the mums/dads don't physically come and help, it's very useful having the emotional support.

I don't know what your family is like but in your position I would be tempted to ask straight out - tell them you really need their help. If they don't rally to your call, then at least you know where you stand. Some families need to be told how to help!

Oh SK sorry to hear this hon, I really hope no2 pops out for you soon which may slowly ease issues, but as for now, have you tried talking to your mum about this? mine lives an hour away too, but I'm very lucky in that she comes over once a week to help out for a morning or afternoon, which saves dd having to go to nursery for an extra day (as I'm self employed and need to work sometimes) she already has to go two days a week tho, or business would suffer too much......does dh have anyone close by??
Have you tried homestart for a bit of help around the house? (think they're a .com?) they're a voluntary service there to lend a hand to mums who are swamped.

depends on family - I've got an utterly useless sister - no kids, p/time job, lives nearby and visited 1x briefly in past 6 mths (to collapse into armchair complaining of weariness and to await a glass of wine...). didn't visit over xmas and has not as yet got kids anything for xmas...I guess can stress about it (like you I notice how many local mums DO have lots of help but lots of us don't..) but no point, people are ultimately quite selfish and self-absorbed - often reality of child relatives is far less attractive than abstract idea of being close to them. no idea if this makes sense as knackered right now...

You have my complete understanding and sympathy. My mother came to stay when my DD2 was born. Things were frantic as DH had started a new job only a week earlier. I didn't know at the time that she was struggling with the menopause but the day after I came out of hospital she just blew up. She screamed and screamed at me but especially at DH and called his family everything under the sun. She walked out vowing never to see us again. My MIL came to the rescue as I went to pieces and was readmitted to hospital. Even now I feel sick thinking about it. Unfortunately my FIL then became unwell so after that visit I was on my own (we were 2.5 hours away from family).

All I can say is that you do manage. I had a very supportive HV and though it was hard (I had depression but may have been a mixture of everything) you surprise yourself. My DH was brilliant. He waded through info on nurseries for DD1 and made contact with someone from the NCT and a local Toddler group. Once my routine was established the days were okay. I did wish there were people to give me time off but once I stopped being angry about it everything was easier.

I have made it up with my mother (it was over 7 years ago) but things will never be the same. We have since moved again and she visited for the first time last week (we have been here for 3.5 years).

I didn't mean to go on. Try and sort out a few things to do every week like Toddlers, Action Tots, etc as it makes such a difference to be out of the house. People are always helpful when they see a mum with a newborn in my experience. Best of luck.

and I should say everyone gets that daunting feeling just before they have no.2 so please don't feel you are alone - it's something not a lot of people talk about but it's that little dread inside you that you can't cope with another one.

Can your dp not get paternity leave when your new one is born?

sorry - had meant also to suggest something useful in my message! in lieu of family how about getting temp help in if you can afford it? could be babysitter in daytime hrs for yr 1st - even for a couple of hrs, also do take up any offers of help from local mums - playdates for yr 1st etc. Don't do housework, don't cook, take all shortcuts you can and don't be supermum. HTH somehow.

Me too, I rang my mum when dp was on the floor (and could not physically get up!) with an injured back and the gp had prescribed some diazepam over the phone, I really needed her to either pick up the prescription (in her car, which I don't have) or come and watch 2 year old ds for and hour while I went.

I had had D&V for 3 days, was 5 months pregnant, and it was 45 minutes befor the surgery closed.

She said she had gasmen coming to give a quote, and my brother (20 yo fgs!) couldn't be trusted to let them in.

So I had to load toddler into pushchair, leave dp on the floor with the phone, and stagger the 1/2 hour walk to the surgery, then 1/2 hour back, having not eaten for 3 days.

I usually get on well with her, but she makes me very resentful that now she has enough money and doesn't need to borrow, she never ever visits. She lives a 20 minute walk away.

And at the moment she told me that she wouldn't help me, although in that situation I would have helped a neighbour I wasn't fond of, never mind my daughter, I am sad to say I hated her a little just then.

Ooooops! this wasn't meant to turn into a self pitying rant, but it's safe to say that if they won't help you when you need it, they will never help you. It is blindingly obvious to any woman who has ever raised children that you need a break, yet she hasn't offered? Then she isn't going to.

i don't.. but thats because my husbands family lives 3 hours away and my family is in america... ds is 18.5 months old....

No, you're not being mean. My ILs are the same way. Then when they came round FIL had a wicked chest cold which he passed to both girls, including a newborn, which became a chest infection in DD1.

They live 5 mins. away.

My family, on the other hand, lives 7,000 miles away and came for nearly a month when DD2 was born and did everything, even fixing up this place.

My mother came for 2 months when DD1 was born and I had severe PND, renting a flat in a retirement complex and take DD1 overnight so many times I can't count.

I am missing them more and more every day.

We have no help from MIL at all sweetkitty, so I have a LOT of sympathy for your plight.
MIL lives 30 mins' drive away and we only hear from her when she wants something. If dh rings her she usually has it on answerphone so as to not miss Big Brother. She has refused to babysit for us for 45 mins (so we can frivolously attend parents' evening at ds' school) before now because it might make her late for yoga.
My very elderly parents (two generations of late starters means my dad is 81 and and my mum 76 ) moved last year to be near us and gamely pick ds up from school twice a week. Before that they gave good phone support but from 300 miles away that was all they could do. The difference their willingness to help has made to our lives is huge and makes me realise how much we were struggling before.
But the sad answer is that you can and will cope, with support hopefully from your friends and SIL, because parents in this situation don't have a choice really
Can you ask your mum outright for some help? I know it's hard to have that conversation, you dread the answer "no". MIL's lack of empathy has really upset dh especially

Thanks I suppose I am just getting a bit overwhelmed with everything. I've never had a great relationship with my Mum. I asked her to mind DD when I had my 12 week scan which she did but then when I had my 20 week scan she said "I suppose I will be looking after DD again" and I was like no it's ok we will take her with us. When she does look after DD she totally ignores the food etc I give her for eg she gave her porridge with loads of sugar and salt at 7 months and lucozade at 9 months and is always trying to force chocolate buttons on DD (who doesn't like anything forced on her).

I suppose I'm just really at people who have great relationships with their mothers.

Goog God you could be me...I can't type too much as DH might see, but basically I am 200 miles away from my family, and only 8 miles from his.
The are useless, the let me move house on my own (DH was at work, they wouldn't allow him thew time off) with an 11 month old DS1. Then when I was preganant they didn't come around once or offer any help, even though at one point I had to go in to hospital.. all they were bothered about is if it was a girl. My step mum did the scan for us (its her job and she sneaked us in when we went to visit her) We told the inlaws and they were like "oh another boy.. that nice" When I had my official scan at the hospital they asked us "Is it still a boy?!" As if to say my step mum had lied!! Ughhh.. they bug me!!

I mean what I can't understand is that MIL used to drop hints to DH, saying all this crap about her wanting to be a grandma, and yet she hasn't even offered to take her grandsons out on a walk to the park.. oh I shouldn't get started on this subject!!

I don't get a break with 2 under 2's either, its stinks.. but I like it because it proves to them that I don't need their help, I can be a great mum without them!

I'm wondering where you are (roughly) SK? If you are near me I would love to help you out and sod the bloody family... its their loss!!

Sorry, just wanted to add, NO, you are NOT being mean!! (my DS's have a 22 month age gap between them)

Hope all goes well with the birth, I can say this much I recovered much more quickly second time around.

oh sweetkitty, I do know what you mean. One of my friends has both sets of parents plus brothers and sisters nearby so they have never once paid for childcare and regularly go away on their own/have loads of spare time to do things like gym etc.

It is hard - but I'm afraid, you just get on with it. You may find (through some sort of antenatal group) that people start things like babysitting circles etc. that would help you out. Also, although your SIL is busy, at least she sounds willing to help. Once your eldest starts nursery, things will start getting a lot better.

But much sympathy to you

No help.

There is LGJ and Mr LGJ and that is it.

Thanks for all your kind words I know I'm not alone in getting no help and as everyone says you just get on with it and I know I will cope. I have just moved to a new area but have joined a mother and toddlers group so will be going to that again soon. Think I'm just so down with this SPD pain etc as I can't get out and about and do things with DD and I'm usually such an independent person so it's hard to just sit and rest.

And anyway when they do come and visit they don't do that much anyway, my Mum sits on the sofa expects tea when she asks for it and watches DD run around. She once split sugar on the kitchen floor and said "I split some sugar on your floor as your canister was too full" then watched me at 6 months pregnant clean it up so even if she did visit it would be next to useless.

Oh this will make you laugh SK..

I had planned a home birth for DS2, and do you know they never offered to take DS1!! They thought he could be here for the birth! FFS!

In the end my Dad and step mum drove down the 200 miles to pick him up, then took him back and he stayed with them for the week. This meant my stepmum using her holiday to look after him, not them who are retired and have all the time in the world or anything! ( I'm glad it did go that way in the end I'd have been worried sick about DS1. And there is no way they'd have come out at 10.30pm when I went in to labour to pick DS1 up)

Right I've got to go now and do my breathing I'm getting all stressed out here!!

1 2 3 4 5 .. keep counting to ten, think nice thoughts...

sk, ooh, you're not alone! I have very little help from my mum as she has an adopted 8yo herself (she's 63) and yep, I resent it since it means we don't get much help. Anyway, enough about me! What would happen if you asked outright? Might they not realise you need some help? Worth a go? I think my mum might take the view that if she calls a lot she might be seen as interfering with my life and I'm an adult and should get on with it (I wouldn't feel like this of course not) whereas I think she should offer a bit more or at least be completely uncomplaining if I do ask. What happens if you invit her? Can you pay for a break if this fails? Get an au pair? Cleaner? Post natal doula?

Sadly I think you just end up getting used to it. We have no help from anyone. MIL is lovely but lives outside of town and hates driving. My family live close by but seem to have made some kind of resolution to never help. When ds2 was born dh had to stay at home to look after ds1. Luckily everything went well with the birth and dh was able to bring ds1 in with him to see ds2 being weighed etc. Our 3rd baby is due in March and I'm not exactly expecting to be overwhelmed with offers of help from family.

It's not that they don't care about ds1 and ds2. I know my mother adores them both. As I say it seems to be some kind of family rule that I mustn't be offered help. The same rule doesn't apply to my younger sister and her toddler as they volunteer to babysit for my niece.

Once the baby is born and you feel better I find that it really helps to get out of the house for a little while if you possibly can. I usually hate baby/toddler groups but have found that they have been a lifesaver for me with ds2 (2.11yrs).

SK seriously look into homestart for a hand
homestart

no help - in laws on the other side of the world, mother works full time, as do the only other relative who every now and then babysits for us to have a rare night out.

On both occasions I have had no help with babies after they have been born - other than dh for dd1. I had c-sections for both. When dd2 was born dh started a new job - the next day - had no leave accrued and had already asked them to delay his start date once. My mother came over one afternoon after I got home from hospital with dd2 and ironed dh's work shirts..... something he can and often does.

It was even more difficult for me second time round as I had a 2yo with special needs who was not walking or toilet trained.

My SIL came down with her two dds to look after dd1 whilst I was in hospital after having dd2. BUt she had to go back after that - she lives 3 hours drive away. Otherwise - my mum took the day off of my c-section with dd2 to look after dd1 until SIL arrived.

With dd1 - MIL was caring for her elderly, ill mother and so could not come and help out although dh had time off for some of it.

SO really both times we were left to get on with it.

No help here. I would imagine this will be quite a long thread.
I'm so jealous of my sister she's so lucky and has my mum babysitting for her on tap which both my mum and her grand children love. They even all go on holiday together. Wish I was that lucky

They help where they can but it is limited as my parents are elderly and a bit frailer now than they used to be. Have 2 SIL who help out babysitting occasionally. I think communities are not the same as they used to be and that's the difference. Neighbours can be very neighbourly but generally people keep themselves to themselves more. Still the older generation expect you to cope because they did ..here's a classic from my dear mum when I was one day overdue with second ...

Her: you'd better make sure the freezer is full of food
Me: Why?
Her: So DH doesn't have to fend for himself whilst you're in hospital and he's looking after DD
Me: Well he managed to fend for himself before I met him so why? He can always go to the shops
Her: You can't have him going to the shops trailing DD with him!!!
Me: Why not? I have to do it and I'm 9 months pregnant
Her: But you're her mother!!!!
Me: " " speechless