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Original poster

Does anyone else have absolutely no help from family?

45 replies

sweetkitty · 18/01/2006 09:25

Suppose I'm just having an overdue hormonal rant today but am feeling really down about having to do all this by myself.

DP and I moved to the opposite end of the country for 8 years when DD was born we decided to move a bit closer one of the resons being DD could see her GPs etc a bit more. We are an hours drive away now. We did live 5 mins away for 4 months between houses but it made no difference. The family who moaned that they would never get to see DD never came to visit that much. I was in early feeling horrid months of pregnancy but not once did anyone offer to take DD out for an hour to let me rest etc. I am especially at my mother who doesn't work is fot and active yet has looked after DD 5 times in her life (a few hours at a time).

Now I am overdue, I have bad SPD/SI pain and am virtually housebound awaiting no2's arrival. Not one person in my family has offered to come and visit and help out. Am I being mean? I look at other people whose mums's come to stay for weeks when a new baby is born and I'm not asking for that, just a few hours off would be nice (oh DD is 18 mo btw). My Mum is always going on about how she never gets to see DD (I haven't been able to drive and visit for months) yet she has visited us twice since we moved (5 months ago).

I know it's going to be even harder with 2 under 2 and just wanted to get some advice on how to cope if you never get a break?

OP posts:

Original poster

sweetkitty · 18/01/2006 10:37

at pagan

Think it comes back to aren't men great when they looks after their own children, we are so lucky if they can change a nappy etc yet we are expected to do it every day.

OP posts:

puff · 18/01/2006 10:44

No. Mine and dh's parents have all died in the 5 years since we had children.

Brothere and sisters live too far away and have own busy lives. No other nearby family.

4blue1pink · 18/01/2006 11:09

I dont. I haven't seen mum or dad ( divorced and both abusive) in years although they only live in neighbouring villages.

Now pg with number 5 recently moved house and got spd! I sympathise...My sister is coming from 250 miles away to look after my bairns when this one is born but she can only manage a few days so who knows when baby will make an appearance.........dh is self employed in a single man practice and is on call 24/7 with no relief.
I made my own choices though. I wish i had help but its their loss! Try to think of it that way!

Original poster

sweetkitty · 18/01/2006 11:13

Thanks again I know I shouldn't expect anything really, my Mum especially was horrible to me the last few years I was at home, made it very difficult whilst I was studying for my degree etc so much so I was forced to leave home. I have done everything so far without any help so will be fine doing everything in the future.

And I am going to have two beautiful daughters very soon

OP posts:

loona · 18/01/2006 14:35

I think this is very sad.I'm sure it's the times we are living in now.Grandparents seem to be a lot more selfish with their time these days.I think it's this individualistic world which has been created by the likes of Mrs Thatcher's reign.

Feistybird · 18/01/2006 14:57

I have no help SK either, but that's because I have no parents or other family who are able and DPs parents are too old. So diff from your situation as there's no other option.

It's hard, but to be honest, it's made me very self-sufficient.

fennel · 18/01/2006 15:00

i don't see why grandparents should have to help if they don't want to. DP's parents live fairly close by and never help. they do however do loads of childcare for his siblings. it's irritating and I don't particularly like it but I would hate them to be doing it out of obligation. we'd prefer them to love spending time with our children and looking after them but from their point of view, they have done lots of childcare for the 5 other grandchildren over the last 13 years and want a break. i can see their point. inconvenient as it might be to us.

Rhubarb · 18/01/2006 15:02

We live in France and have no help at all, either from friends or family as they're all in Blighty! But when we go back, dh's mum helps loads. My family (apart from one sister) are all self-obsessed and I would never, ever ask them for anything. They would remind me of it constantly and I would be made to replay tenfold.

You manage.

fennel · 18/01/2006 15:10

it can even be a plus having unintersted grandparents. DP's parents who've done no childcare for us are getting older now, his mother's getting alzheimers (so not a fantastic babysitter any more really). and we are planning to move 300 miles away, secure in the knowledge that DP's siblings have a huge childcare debt to repay in eldercare, and as we've missed the benefits of childcare we feel a bit easier about disappearing at this point when they might start to need us

now that makes me sound a true Thatcher's child i suspect. we are leaving two sets of siblings to carry out the eldercare so they won't be totally alone.

bundle · 18/01/2006 15:12

spent this morning at home, dh there now with sick dd1. my parents too far/dad has serious health problems. mil is about 1 hr away but last few times we've asked for help she's said she's busy.

bundle · 18/01/2006 15:13

fennel, you know i tried to get some fennel in waitrose today and they'd sold out. i was terribly disappointed as wanted to make pink grapefruit/fennel salad, my favourite at the moment

edam · 18/01/2006 15:13

No help from family as they live too far away. The ones who live within a day return are either elderly/disabled or busy enough with their own families.

If I needed them badly though, they'd come. And I guess that's what upsets you, sweetkitty, that none of them has? Not surprised you are disappointed but no idea what you can do other than build close friendships where you can both help each other out. Not much use at the moment though, I know.

Marina · 18/01/2006 15:22

Fair point fennel - it is true to say in dh's case the implicit rejection in MIL's lack of interest in ds and dd is what really hurts. I wouldn't want her looking after my children for long either - too sly and has made a life's career of undermining her own children in 1000 little nasty ways. But it still hurts him that she doesn't ring etc. And when she does it usually turns out she's been pricked into it by one of her neighbours asking how her beautiful grandchildren are

fennel · 18/01/2006 15:29

marina, yes it hurts DP that his parents are totally uninterested in his children. definitely. Dp always idealised his parents and his family so it was a shock when they weren't interested.

Bugsy2 · 18/01/2006 15:35

Virtually nill from mine. Out-laws have fallen off the radar since the divorce & my family are pretty hopeless. Brother & sister still young, free & single & just not that interested in small children. My parents live an hour & a half away and don't like to drive in the dark anymore, so I have to visit them 95% of the time. My father is hopeless, has absolutely no idea at all. Mum can be good for very short periods of time, when she is in the right mood - but I can pretty much say I get no substantial help from any of them! Sad really.

Fimbo · 18/01/2006 15:48

No help here either. We live in England all our relatives are in Scotland. My mother is useless anyway and sits reading "Take A Break" rather than helping out when she does visit. They will babysit but only because my children never wake up once asleep and because I have put them to bed - they would never dream of getting my children ready for bed.

lou33 · 18/01/2006 16:09

My mum is dead, my dad i havent seen for 30 years, my in laws live out of the country (hoorah), my borther lives hundreds of miles away. My sister lives in the next village, but i see her v rarely. She did help with the school runs for a couple of weeks before xmas, in the mornings, when xh left, but apart from that I have no help on the whole. I have 4 kids and i don't drive, and they all go to different schools in opposite directions, all starting around the same time, so it's been a bit of a juggle, but i'm coping. It's hard work, but i feel quite proud of myself for doing it.

Mercy · 18/01/2006 16:23

I don't have any help either but it's more a question of distance than anything else (dh's family live abroad and mine 200 miles away; db lives about an hour away but often works abroad/unsocial hours).

We've just learnt to rely on each other. It's tiring but you get used to it.

SMDLCKCC1 · 29/03/2019 14:39

Emmiess · 05/08/2020 23:05

I have zero help from my family. They live far away and aren’t really interested. Except one sister who visits occasionally. The father of D.S has vowed to never meet him or have anything to do with him. I have no money and on universal credit. Baby was 5 weeks old when lockdown started and the H.V stopped coming. Let me tell you - it’s hard. But you get used to it. I have developed insomnia from the anxiety of it all which makes taking care of a baby very difficult. But there is no one to help and there never will be. You just have to do it for the love of your child. Lots of people offer to help, but they don’t mean it. I have taken people up on their offers to help, only to realise they were just being polite. It felt cruel and still does. Don’t offer to help a struggling mother of you don’t mean it!

Also, what psycho gives a bay lucozade?!

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