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Original poster

Sexual Problem - linked to breast feeding?

36 replies

TambaTheDragonSlayer · 10/01/2006 14:03

Was going to change my name but cant be bothered and I know I will get more honest responses posting under my normal name

Tis a little embarrassing but its bothering me so here goes...

My dh is a boob man. During sex he likes to mess with them which i can cope with but I have this problem which is starting to affect my sex life.

I have 2 ds's and breast feed both, which I loved doing and was perfectly comfortable with.

But when dh starts to suck them during sex It reminds me of feeding the boys, he just sucks! and it really turns me off. Before the kids i used to like it but now it just reminds me of feeding them and I have to shove him off.

It is causing problems because its something he loves doing which I have started to hate. Its getting to the point where i keep my top on in bed just incase. He gets offended that I push him away and after that then I am totally not in the mood and dont enjoy having sex.

To top it all , i then feel like a perv for thinking of breastfeeding my children when im in bed with dh

How can i stop the association? I have tried explaining to dh but he either thinks im joking/i will get over it/that he can do it anyway/that I wont notice/or hes not listening. Its getting to the point where i dont want to be near him just incase

He is a good man and I know that he will stop doing it when I ask him, but I have to ask him everytime!!!

I stopped breastfeeding about 18 months ago so why has this just started in the last few weeks? It makes my skin crawl!

Sorry if that doesnt make much sense but its making me feel sick! Dont know where this strangh of feeling has suddenly come from!

OP posts:
Original poster
TambaTheDragonSlayer · 10/01/2006 14:05

PS - am probably going to disappear to asda very shortly so may not reply for a lil while

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 10/01/2006 14:06

I think you are perfectly normal. I couldn't let my dh go near my boobs when I was b/f, they belonged to my baby and doing anything else with them just seemed pervy. Have a word with your mw and maybe she'll have a word with your dh on your behalf? He needs to understand to lay off for a while. Surely he can understand why you feel this way? It will all get back to normal once you've stopped feeding, I'm sure he can wait until then!

NomDePlume · 10/01/2006 14:07

I understand why you would associate it with breastfeeding, I'd explain it to him honestly BEFORE you get to the naked stage.

Original poster
TambaTheDragonSlayer · 10/01/2006 14:07

I stopped feeding 18 moths ago though

OP posts:
SleepyJess · 10/01/2006 14:07

I don't think Tamba is bf-ing anymore are you Tamba?

eefs · 10/01/2006 14:07

it wasn't something I enjoyed either - too painful, too much milk flow, too many associations.

It was a designated no-go area while I BF. your DH will just have to accept that or no nookie at all.

Tell him it hurts.

SleepyJess · 10/01/2006 14:07

ooopps x posts

Original poster
TambaTheDragonSlayer · 10/01/2006 14:08

I have explained it, over and over again... but he seems to 'forget' bloody men!!!

I am more concerned to why i have suddenly started feeling so discusted by it iyswim. I cant think of anything that has changed over the last few weeks.

OP posts:
SleepyJess · 10/01/2006 14:10

Tamba could you try asking him to be more creative with his boob play! Ie.. not sucking.. more nibbling.. or tongue flicking. Tell him the sucking.. through no fault of his.. just tends to turn you off and make you go into 'mummy-mode' which is probably the last thing be wants when you are in 'sexy wife mode'!

This doesn't make you weird or pervy at all btw.

SleepyJess · 10/01/2006 14:10

Are you broody perchance? Or thinking, even subconsicously, off ttc-ing again?

Original poster
TambaTheDragonSlayer · 10/01/2006 14:11

I am so glad it doesnt make me a perv [releived emotion]

the tounge flicking ect still brings up breast feeding associations

I just dont like it!! [foot stamping emotion]

OP posts:
Original poster
TambaTheDragonSlayer · 10/01/2006 14:12

actually i have been thinking about babies, more along the lines of "please dont ever let me get pregnant again cause i cant cope with anymore kids.."

OP posts:
FrannyandZooey · 10/01/2006 14:12

Or pregnant????

FrannyandZooey · 10/01/2006 14:13

Oops sorry Tamba, I am sure you're not really....(have you got a test in the house perchance?)

Original poster
TambaTheDragonSlayer · 10/01/2006 14:13

OMG dont say that franny. I have been weeing alot moer lately but I cant be pregnant cause i havent had unprotected sex! Maybe I am due on though as they have seemed a little heavier lately and dh says they seem to have grown.

OP posts:
FrannyandZooey · 10/01/2006 14:14

LOL and you have just put on weight through eating more over Christmas, right, and oops what's that baby's head poking out from under your skirt Tamba??!!

Original poster
TambaTheDragonSlayer · 10/01/2006 14:15

I do have a test in the house because I am super paranoid about getting pg again and test every so often just incase but i tested last month cause i was weepy and it was neg and have had a period at the beginning of december although I am not at all regualr. I can go months without one.

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Original poster
TambaTheDragonSlayer · 10/01/2006 14:15

hehe noooo way!!

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sharklet · 10/01/2006 14:18

Tamba,

Totally understand your predicament. I get the exact same feeling if DH does it. Its not wierd its just you've used them that way for so long you can't help that association with sucking.

Not sure what to suggest. I know what I do is distract him onto something else and then later remind him that its just not fun anymore to do that.

HTH
xxxx

SleepyJess · 10/01/2006 14:19

Tamba, my considered completely unprofessional opinion on this is now the following :-

The reason you feel this way is connected to your desire to NOT have more children at any point soon.. and subconcious imaginings of being pregnant again. (And even in fact fears that you might be. If this is a serious fear btw you need to face up to this and find out.)

The course of action you need to take is to chat to hubby again, when NOT in bedroom situation, and explain that you would like him to steer clear of the boobs for now and that this is nothing to do with him or his technique.. but it's to do with you and your mixed up hormonal emotions relating to motherhood! And that even if he finds it hard to understand this, could he please leave them alone anyway because you love making love with him.. and you don't want anything to ruin the experience for either of you.

SJ x

Normsnockers · 10/01/2006 14:32

Message withdrawn

jennifersofia · 10/01/2006 15:07

Maybe this feeling is coming up strongly atm because he is persisting in something you find disgusting. I agree with discussing it (when clothed!) and explaining that you need a good long complete break from any breast play. This is his chance to get to know other parts of you! It might help you to relax to know that they are off limits, but he must agree and stick to it. If he doesn't, it sounds like things are not headed down a good road (decreasing sex!).
Do you think he would respond to this kind of conversation?

morningpaper · 10/01/2006 15:14

There's a book called Fresh Milk by Fiona Giles which has a lot of thought-provoking writing about breastfeeding and its associations, you might like to read it.

Is there any way you could integrate your feelings about breastfeeding and sex/motherhood and loverhood - perhaps accepting that you are thinking about breastfeeding and therefore nurturing your partner and seeing this as a positive thing??? We put sex and motherhood into two separate boxes sometimes; is it possible to accept that you can have both identities at the same time?

Sounds a bit vague now I write it down... does it make any sense?!

Original poster
TambaTheDragonSlayer · 10/01/2006 15:47

Thanks for your relpys.

I do think that DH would be willing to listen and would understand that I dont want him messings with my boobs (although i bet he wont get his head around the reason behind it) but he will stop... and then he will 'forget' and start again which leads to me getting very frustrated and pisses off at him... I guess its like training a dog - reward him when hes good

I think that a vasectomy would be a bit to perminent. I am only 22 and I may decide I would like another child in 10 years or so, but to have one now or in the near future would cripple us finacially and i really couldnt cope with another child. I am off to see the doc to see what long term contraception is acailable to me although they are wary of hormonal ones as I had dodgy enough hormones as it is

I just cant think of it as nuturing him [yuk emotion] hes old enough to nuture himself

It doesnt help that he is so rough. He sucks hard it really does feel like he is trying to get something out of them!!

I think also, it is only recently i have felt like my body is mine again. DS1 doesnt sleep in our bed any more and the kids are both slightly more independant of me. I want it to myself, i dont want to have to be giving them up to anyone. They are mine all mine!

I guess he will just have to get used to the fact that I dont like and he is not allowed to do it, after all if there was something that he didnt like i wouldnt persistantly do it to him and he needs to show me the same respect.

I cant blame him too much atm cause he doesnt fully understand the reasons behind it but i will sit and talk to him tonight and after that he he persists then he will be in trouble.

Thanks all for not making me feel like a freak!

OP posts:
rummum · 10/01/2006 15:52

Tamba.... your only 22...
I imagined you to be my age.. 40

its funny how you picture people isn't it....