Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Other subjects
Original poster

does your MIL visit when her son isn't home?

42 replies

mogwai · 14/12/2005 12:30

My MIL is really thrilled to bits with our little daughter. However, I've noticed a pattern of only visiting when my husband is at home. Just recently he's worked three consecutive weekends. My MIL hasn't come to visit (or help) on any of these weekends, despite the fact I know she's been free. It's been a tough timne for me, coping alone with the baby every day until 9.30pm. I've told her I'm having a tough time and she's said "oh well" in return.

She works locally (afternoons only), yet has never come to see us in the morning.

The point is, my husband has his first weekend off this week and now she wants to come and visit. She also keeps saying how little she sees of the baby. I just don't get it. We have a good relationship and I always make her welcome. Is this a MIL thing? I'd have really appreciated her help over the last month and I resent her deciding to visit the first weekend we can spend any time as a family

OP posts:
munz · 14/12/2005 12:32

erm nope MIL didn't visit when DH was away, she doesn't normally visit if he's working - althou she has on occassion it's normally when he's off and i'm not - don't mind as then she gets to fuss over him and I get a break! lol.

Babyannabel · 14/12/2005 12:33

I make it clear to everyone that the MIL can only visit when dh is home as when he has not been home (or out of earshot) she makes horrible snidey comments to me. So I am not now prepared to let that happen any more. It does sound like your MIL is avoiding being along with you, but perhaps she just wants to see her son too. Have you tried asking her over one morning?

WigWamBam · 14/12/2005 12:34

My MIL doesn't visit us at all, unless dh brings her over in the car, so most of the time she sees dd it's with dh. Usually she picks a time to ask him to take dd when she knows I'm not there, too.

If you'd like her to visit you when your dh is not there, it's probably something you will have to ask her to do - maybe it hasn't occured to her that you would like her to see you when he's away.

welshboris · 14/12/2005 12:35

Invite her round one morning, maybe shes waiting to be asked?

ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 14/12/2005 12:36

Well my MIL is Australian and lives there for about 8 motnhs of the year, but every summer she comes to live in England, and I have to say she has been amazing in recent years, coming to stay with me when dh is away to help with the children. If she lived locally, I know she would visit when dh was at work, but I also appreciate that she likes to see her son too, so I do have to put up with her being around at more personal family moments too, eg she comes on holidat with us.

crimbocrazydazy · 14/12/2005 12:37

No don't have a problem with that, I get on better with DP's mum and dad than I do my own Mum!! They are very supportive and always try to help, thank god.

QueensSpeechEagle · 14/12/2005 12:37

MIL has mental health problems and FIL is her full time carer, so she never goes anywhere alone, ever.

FIL and MIL often pop over to my house and this can often be when dh is asleep in bed (as he works nights). More often though, I visit them with the ds's and without dh.

Glitterygook · 14/12/2005 12:40

My MIL visits regardless but then she lives in London and we are in Manchester so she comes for a few days to a week and inevitably dh is at work for some of that.

She is quite happy to spend the day with me (well, seems to be!!) - she is great with teh boys and even takes them out with her.

NotQuiteCockney · 14/12/2005 12:41

My MIL wants us (me, DS1 and DS2) to visit when DS1 is off school. I've gone off the idea after the last few visits.

I think it's normal for a MIL not to visit when her son isn't home - you need to make clear that you want visits/help.

LIZS · 14/12/2005 12:57

no. The only time this has happened was when the PIL's came over a few odd days to help me pack up our house when we moved abroad. They live just over an hour away but might be more inclined to pop round were we closer .

snufflepuss · 14/12/2005 13:16

My MIL usually visits when invited and often comes over to play with the girls when dh is at work. We also go to visit her as well. She's also our main baby sitter.

DH never sees my parents on his own tho, but I guess that's a differen ball game.

LizzylouDonkey · 14/12/2005 13:25

This has been a bit of a bone of contention with us since I was pregnant. I always had a really good relationship with my MIL until I fell pg with Ds and then she really changed towards me. We live close to my Inlaws and about 150 miles away from my family. When I was pg and on maternity leave my DH asked her to visit me as I was home alone and going up the wall, she said she'd come in the evening so she could see DH too! When Ds was small she invited herself and FIl around in the day and then when we were all chatting and drinking tea basically ordered me away to "get on with some chores". This has been repeated again and again and has now spread to my SIL as well. I am afraid it has made me very stubborn and I now don't want them here if DH isn't here anyway (if at all, if I am honest) if it wasn't for the fact that DH loves his job so much and is doing so well I would move closer to my family like a shot. DH has spoken to her but she'll call me (she is terrible on the phone) if he is away working and nothing else, I am now 28weeks PG and ready to flip!

OComeOliveFaithfOil · 14/12/2005 13:29

I think she may be waiting to be asked. I know that when we first had dd1 and dh went back to work, she used to tentatively phone with a pretence of 'going to Tesco's, did I want anything?' etc sort of thing and when I said bob round, she was there in a flash.

She may not want to crowd you or take over.

kleist · 14/12/2005 13:33

She'd like to. But I won't let her. She's a nightmare.

DissLocated · 14/12/2005 13:36

We don't see very much of my IL's. My parents live 250 miles away and the IL's are about 30 miles away but we see my parents more than my IL's!

They never invite us over there (although we do go over uninvited!) and when we invite them over here they make excuses to keep the visit as short as possible. Even on our wedding day, we had an early ceremony (10.45am) and were asking people to arrive at our house for 9.00am. When dh told MIL this she said 'don't be ridiculous, that's far too early, we'll be there at 10.00am'

ILs are retired and I'm a sahm but there's no way it would enter their heads to pop over and see dd or invite us over there.

They too will make odd comments about not seeing dd. Dh says he's going to have a word with them and see what's going on. Maybe next time she comments on how little she sees of your dd you could make it clear she's welcome to pop over even if dh isn't there.

flashingnose · 14/12/2005 14:05

Sounds to me as if she's actually trying to do the right thing and failing. I would be completely honest and say she's always welcome to pop over at any time and you could really do with a hand if she can spare the time. My MIL is fan-bloody-tastic and I love her to bits but she would never ever just pop in - if I invite her, she's over like a flash and she would do pretty much anything I asked her to but she wouldn't offer - she's too afraid of overstepping the mark.

It's taken us three kids and a good many years to get to this point but I now shamelessly ask her any time I need her help and she's happy to see the kids as often as I let her .

Ailsa · 14/12/2005 14:06

My MIL 'visits' when nobody is at home!!

TheFish · 14/12/2005 14:06

oh yes

i like her

Avalon · 14/12/2005 14:09

Yes. She's very nice and very helpful.

flashingnose · 14/12/2005 14:10

Just realised I didn't answer the question properly - no, DH doesn't have to be here - she's replaced him with some younger models .

swedishmum · 14/12/2005 14:10

I agree about inviting her - she'd probably love to be asked.

TheFish · 14/12/2005 14:11

yes my mum very anxious not to invet herself to my sils house,

BluStocking · 14/12/2005 14:19

Specifically invite or ask her!

MaryP0p1 · 14/12/2005 14:21

She doesn't even speak to me.

QueensSpeechEagle · 14/12/2005 14:23

I agree that it would be nice to invite her over specially.

I became aware that I only ever seemed to visit my in-laws when I needed to drop something off or do some errand involving them. I never went for no reason iyswim.

Last week I asked fil if he would mind me bringing the 2 little ones over more often and for lunch as everyone seems to enjoy it.