does your MIL visit when her son isn't home?

[mogwai]

My MIL is really thrilled to bits with our little daughter. However, I've noticed a pattern of only visiting when my husband is at home. Just recently he's worked three consecutive weekends. My MIL hasn't come to visit (or help) on any of these weekends, despite the fact I know she's been free. It's been a tough timne for me, coping alone with the baby every day until 9.30pm. I've told her I'm having a tough time and she's said "oh well" in return.

She works locally (afternoons only), yet has never come to see us in the morning.

The point is, my husband has his first weekend off this week and now she wants to come and visit. She also keeps saying how little she sees of the baby. I just don't get it. We have a good relationship and I always make her welcome. Is this a MIL thing? I'd have really appreciated her help over the last month and I resent her deciding to visit the first weekend we can spend any time as a family

Yes, my mIL does, but we get on v well.
My parents would never visit if I weren't there, even though they profess to love DH. Since the feeling isn't mutual, DH is happy with this.

I think you could be me Mogwai.

My MIL is exactly the same and she doesn't work at all.

It does annoy me. Once upon a time she would offer to come down and see if there was anything I needed (I don't drive). I don't even get a phone call now.

Maybe if you explain to your dh how you feel and he may speak with her to explain how you are feeling.

I thank the lord that mine lives 120 miles away, but even if she lived next I wouldn't want her in my house.

Actually the thought of having to suffer the woman in my own home makes me feel

I can feel the angry feelings simmering just thinking about it.

I agree with others that she is waiting to be asked. Couldn't you just invite her, or invent a reason for getting her to come over - to sit with DD while you do some sort of job. Then say how you've enjoyed it and how nice it is to have a bit of adult company in the day.

Have to say though that my MIL is much happier to have us go there than to come here.

I agree too - she's probably hoping for an invite from you.

I get on very well with my MIL and she often visits / we often visit her without my DH in tow!!

My PIL never come round uninvited but as soon as I invite them down, they can't get here quick enough. My MIL drives me up the wall, but they adore my kids, so they are forgiven everything

While I'm on maternity leave, I invite them up once a week, always a week day, to keep our weekends stress free . I always make it a different day, so it's not a 'regular' weekly visit. IFYWIM

Forgot to say DP isn't there, as he's at work.

MY MIL is in Australia, but my DH's aunt & uncle are the closest I have to a MIL/FIL here.

They visit regularly when DH is at work. However, I know they feel like they are intruding sometimes, so I always make a point of inviting them over now & then, just so they know they are welcome.

Ask her to help you, instead of dropping hints & I am sure she will be there as soon as she can. Ask her if she wouldn't mind looking after DD for a while, so you can xmas shop/lunch in peace/get haircut. Invite her to get involved & I am sure you will get all the help you need.

I would definitely say "no" to this weekend - point out that it is the first weekend in a month when you've been together as a family. You need to get the groundrules clear now (ie, visits happen when it is convenient for both you and MIL) otherwise you'll have years of aggravation and have to sort it out later anyhow. Could you ask her round for an evening meal in the week maybe, and ask her to come early and help with bathtime so she gets to see your dd? My MIL loves bathtime. Might be too stressful for you though, I don't know.

But it may not have occurred to her to visit when your dh is not there. Or she may feel awkward, may feel that she isn't much help, gets in your way etc. I agree that you may need to ask. Obviously you might have already and she might just be a selfish old hag. You're in a better position to judge! My MIL is desperate to help but my mum is fairly useless - mostly because she feels useless (hasn't held a baby for 30 years etc) and is scared to help in case she gets it wrong. I think. Maybe she's a lazy old hag. She's my mum and I don't know...

MIL doesn't live close. When dd was little and they came for a weekend, they were very careful to organise something to do on the Fri pm so they arrived at about the same time dh got in from work. Then I realised and said it was quite nice if they got here earlier in the day to play with dd, and now they do. Must be difficult having a daughter-in-law with a new baby (if you're the sort of person to care about them, that is!).

My MIL is very obliging..........................

She nevers visits

She never pokes her nose in

She never makes me feel inadequate........

Did I mention she was dead

mine visits whether dh is here or not, i have a very good relationship with her, we speak on the phone alot too. she's even stayed the night when dh was away

You may be right about waiting to be asked. I had a similar discussion on MN recently which came to a similar conclusion. But then I did become a bit more forthright - "we'd love to see you any time" that sort of thing, but no change.

My husband offered to talk to her, but after he witnessed me dropping very heavy hints, he realised she probably just didn't want to help. I realy feel she just wants all the nice bits of being a granny, but I want to have time with my family, so I wish she'd take her opportunity to visit at other times as well as just weekends when my husband isn't working

Next time your dh plans to be away at the weekend, invite MIL over for the afternoon. Fail to mention that dh will be away and see what happens...

Definitely invite her round more often whether dh is home or not. She probably doens' want you to think she's interfering. My mil (and my mum) live 350 miles away and I'd love it if they were close enough to visit regularly . She comes to stay and dh always has to work but it doesn't bother her or me. I love my mil to bits

My parents have always been quite obsessive about not being 'interfering busybodies'. This to the extent that they have never offered any help to us for fear of appearing critical. This doesn't mean they don't want to help but just that I always have to specifically ask for some babysitting or an extra hand which they've always given when asked. Even though they are my parents not my PILs I find their attitude weird. Your in-laws might be feeling the same.

On the other hand none of us really have the right to expect other people to help us and some grandparents I know quite clearly state that they love their grandkids but don't want to get involved with their day to day care. Someone I was speaking to today at work expecting her first grandchild said 'I'm really excited because I can just enjoy the good bits and hand the baby back when it gets boring!' It's tough but maybe your inlaws don't feel it's their duty to help and yes, they do want to see their son, so why come to visit when you're not all together?

Shimmy - you could be talking about my parents - exactly the same - have never volunteered help, but will help when asked.

They are great, but I dread asking them to look after DD & DS - not because they don't want to do it, or don't love my kids, but because their response is nearly always 'Oh, go on, then' (said in a v. reluctant voice).

Then when we rush home in the hope of not p**ing them off too much by being late - they say 'You're home early'!!! We can't win.

My MIL on the other hand, although we have to ask (because she lives much further away), is always far from reluctant to look after them!!!

It makes me feel quite sometimes!!!!

my m.i.l would never visit me when dh and kids were out. Good i say she is a bitch on wheels.What is it with them i have two boys i just hope i don't turn out like her