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Original poster

Is it rude to...

39 replies

emkana · 08/12/2005 18:41

... go and stay for several nights at somebody's house (friend or relative) and not bring any presents when you arrive, not even for the children?

If you don't think this is right, can it be put right by then buying small treats while out and about during your stay, and by paying for a round of coffees once?

OP posts:
Blandmum · 08/12/2005 18:44

Sounds a bit mean. Unless they put you up and don't epect anything IYSWIM.

I'm visiting a cousin this weekend and have a bottle of fizz and some odds and ends for her, and gifts for her grand children. I'd feel mean otherwise

Doesn't have to be expensive, but a token something is nice.

BluStocking · 08/12/2005 18:44

It depends.
I wouldn't necessarily turn up with proper presents, but I would buy treats and coffees, and a few bottles of wine to accompany meals. Maybe take them out for a meal. It would all depend. How close and familiar we were, how far I had travelled, and was it to save them travelling, relative wealth or otherwise, known expectations...

Feistybird · 08/12/2005 18:49

Yes, depends, why? what's the situation?

Curmudgeonlett · 08/12/2005 18:51

I wouldn't take presents (unless it was Christmas of course)

I'd buy treats whilst there

I'd send flowers or something else afterwards

dunno .. am I rude?

stitch · 08/12/2005 18:51

depends, chocolates for the kids sort of thing. maybe a meal out. its the thought that counts rather than the money spent.
so a meal cooked by them worth ten pounds and all the washing up would be worth far more imo than a single meal out worth a hundred quid and especting to be waited on hand and foot.

DoesntChristmasDragOn · 08/12/2005 18:51

I wouldn't expect people to bring me gifts if they come to stay.

feastofsteven · 08/12/2005 18:52

depends

SpringCrimboTurkey · 08/12/2005 18:53

Although I would never expect it if someone came to stay with me I would always take flowers for my friend/mum/sister as a general "thaks for having me" - then i would buy the kids some sweets, a mcdonalds, offer to cook, buy some wine etc.
Not presents as such, just gestures to show you are grateful

Tortington · 08/12/2005 18:56

relatives should put you up if you need it - thats what good ones are there for and if they expect anything in return then they are f*ckwits.

friends is a different matter ( apart from cliffrichardsuckseggsinhell she doesn't count) i would buy cos its nice of them to put themselves out.

Tortington · 08/12/2005 18:57

...and i only asnwered half a question. i think as lond as your upfront " i forgot to bring you something am sorry .... let me buy lots of cake" then i think thats fine

twirlingaroundthechristmastree · 08/12/2005 18:59

If you stay with them as often as they stay with you then I think this is absolutely fine.

If you hardly ever stay with them or don't know them very well then they should take you out for a meal.

stitch · 08/12/2005 19:01

many many moons ago, when i was still living with my parents, but was no longer a child, we had some guests over for three days. the bloke was some distant cousin of my dads. i remember thinking they were a bit odd. they came bringing no gifts, which is fine. we werent expecting any. but i remember they didnt offer us anything, not even a chocolate bar for baby sis when we were out shopping. or even a can of coke.

never heard from them again either. i also remember mom and dad talking and agreeing that they would never have bothered to come visit us if we werent living in the city in the middle of their thousand mile long road trip and offered them free accomodation.!

Mincepiedermama · 08/12/2005 19:02

I would always want to contribute something if people were looking after me (cook a meal, bring stuff) but I must admit I don't really get it when friends bring presents for the kids for no good reason. In fact, I don't really like it (possibly because I don't want to be expected to do the same).

I'd bring the gifts for whoever has the increased work load looking after me in order to spread the load and a bit more to show my appreciation. The kids aren't the ones shelling out energy and it's not good for them to expect stuff all the time.

My MIL always brings them a load of stuff when she visits. Now, when she comes, they're always champing at the bit to see what she has brought. I find this quite unpleasant, but she has brought it on herself.

Whereas my mother brings nothing and the kids are just happy to see her and don't expect stuff.

stitch · 08/12/2005 19:02

a bag of sweets for the kids doesnt cost much, but shows appreciation.
and i dont think relatives have to put you up if they dont want to.

Original poster
emkana · 08/12/2005 19:04

The situation is: My cousin came to stay for a few days and she did as I described. I hadn't seen her for years, but when we were children we were quite close. I'm not likely to see her again soon, it's just too far and inconvenient to visit each other very often.

It didn't bother me that she didn't bring presents, I was just wondering what people generally felt the etiquette were. I would always bring some gifts if I stayed somewhere for a few days, but nothing big, maybe a bottle of wine for the adults and some treats for the children, also would offer to pay for a meal/drinks out whatever.
Just wondered how others felt about it.

OP posts:
shepherdswatchedtheirflockets · 08/12/2005 19:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

expatinscotland · 08/12/2005 19:06

Yes. I wouldn't do this myself in the UK or the US, however, I have seen it done in Europe.

Sleighmenere · 08/12/2005 19:06

Is the person in question strapped for cash at the moment, if so I think buying a few treats and some coffees is ok once. However if they are just mean and thoughtless it's unacceptable. But I think you would probably know this about them already. What do you think emkana, was it an inlaw by chance?

Sleighmenere · 08/12/2005 19:07

sorry crossed posts - Yes a bit rude in my opinion

stitch · 08/12/2005 19:10

no matter how strapped for cash someone is, they can find a pound to buy some sweets/chocolates for the kids whilst there.
i also dislike guests who dont even offer to help with the washing up clearing up after a meal. i might refuse the offer of help, but it shows appreciation to offer to help.

twirlingaroundthechristmastree · 08/12/2005 19:11

Agree ALL guests staying more than 1 night should offer to wash up or similar

twirlingaroundthechristmastree · 08/12/2005 19:12

~And ALL guests should make a big effort with kids of hostess

PeachyPlumFairy · 08/12/2005 19:12

Yes. I'm staying with family at Mum's for Christmas and she doesn't want me to buy anything (me being a p[oor student) bt can't do it so taking a bottle of champers anyway. V V rude IMO.

LittleHollyBerry · 08/12/2005 20:12

If I go to someones house for a meal, including relatives, I'd take something like a bottle of wine/juice/lager, chocolates, flowers or contribute food to the meal. If you stay with someone aswell I would think its rude not to contribute something. i guess thats the way I was brought up though.

Glitterygook · 08/12/2005 20:15

If it's my in-laws then I don't take presents for my neice but if we were out and about I'd buy her ice-cream, toy etc if I was buying for mine.

If it was friends - yes, I'd take something for the parents and a little something for the kids.

The boys' godfathers always bring them stuff when tehy come to stay and I usually get a bouquet and some chocs They also pay for coffees and entrance fees etc (neither are married or have any kids so ours are like their surrogate ones!)