Fear of death etc. when I became a mother

[Freddiecat]

I am interested to know if anyone else has gone through this.

I feel that the biggest change in me since DS was born is that I am really scared of death. What I mean by this is various things really. I am scared of dying and leaving DP with DS and of missing out of DS growing up. I am scared of DP dying and leaving me with DS. Mostly I am absolutely terrified that DS will die.

Generally I keep on top of these fears by putting them to the back of my mind. When DS was small I checked him in his crib every 5 minutes - almost because I didn't trust him to breath! I'm not an overcautious person and this also applies to my parenting style and maybe this is why this massive new feeling took my completely by surprise.

When I am not with DS I almost have to block him from my mind because if I think about him I start worrying about all the things I can't protect him from (getting panicky now).

Is this just motherhood? Did anyone else get this from the moment their babies were born?

Also I feel bad that I have worked out a plan in my head for if DP died or left us. Is this awful or is it a normal thing for a pragmatic person to do. I have no plan for if DS died because it would be too awful to contemplate.

Also - does this apply to fathers too? I asked DP and he just said "of course I'm scared about that happening but it won't so stop worrying"

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I have had a fear of both DSs dying since they were born. This was worsened by a friend having a stillbirth, and another losing an older child last year. I am calm when they are within sight, but if someone else takes them in a car, I say goodbye as if I'm never going to see them again (but hide it from them, IYSWIM) and often cry. When DS1 (4yrs) is in the garden with DH, I listen for the screech of brakes every time a vehicle goes past. Sad, I know.

I think it's very common, but have no real advice for you except that I expect it will ease in time.

I don't worry about dying myself, but have left letters for them just in case, as this is something my own dad did not do even though he knew he was going to die (when I was 4).

Freddiecat, don't worry you are entirely normal (or we are both abnormal)! I can remember going through this (a) when I first got together with dh and realised that he was "the one", (b) when we got our dog and (c) (worst) when I had dd.

How old is your ds?

I still get these feelings but block them out as much as possible. And yes, I do think about what would happen if dh left/died.

I also used to worry that DH would die before we had children and I would have nothing left of him

Oh and he is worse than me, worries even more!

Countessdracula, I used to worry about DH dying before we had children. I don't seem to worry quite so much about that these days .........

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DH had to go for a minor operation a couple of years ago, as he was going in he said to me that if he died there was a letter for me in his suitcase...

I cried for hours. He was fine of course, but have often wondered what it said.

Come to think of it I worried too before DS was born because a colleague lost her baby at 37 weeks and had to give birth (this was years ago and I still feel very guilty that my pre-pregnant self didn't know what to say to her when she returned to work so just acted like it hadn't happened. I am right to feel guilty about that but I know if I was in that situation again which I hope I never am that I would tell her how really sorry I was to hear that her baby died and offer her to talk whenever she wanted but that's another story and I've gone off the thread).

Droile - how do you cope? I am not that bad but have some horrible imaginations. Sometimes I worry that by imagining all these things I will somehow make it happen and then feel even worse.

CD - DS is 18 months and it's only really now I feel I am coming to grips with this. I think what shocked me when he was born was hoe overwhelming this feeling was. Lets face it being a parent for the first time is completely overwhelming though.

God I am in such a talkative ranting mood today. Sorry for this big splurge of consciousness (it's not coherant enough to be a stream). Good think I'm at work else I think you'd all hear my life story.

Sorry Dadslib! Have posted to you on the other thread.

I think the implications of death are more worrying - i.e. leaving kids without a dad is a dreadful prospect, but I'm very practical - worrying about it is more likely to make it happen, so I don't bother - too busy living - not helpful, I know...

No Tom that is helpful. It's basically what DP says too. I am surprised because generally I am the most pragmatic person I know.

Hi Freddiecat. I did feel the same when my ds was born 6 years ago but I'd say 2 things:

Having a child does make you more aware of your own mortality, yes. I don't think I'd ever thought about it before, I mean really* thought about it, properly, but I certainly did once I had a child. I'm sure it's natural and is probably some kind of evolutionary device to make us more cautious so we stay around long enough to raise our offspring. Or that could be complete Bollocks!!! I really hadn't thought about it much before, which may also have had something to do with being in my twenties rather than thirties. BUT

In my case these morbid feelings were definitely an indicator of low level depression. I spent a lot of time every day thinking about death (my own and ds's) and dying and convincing myself I had cancer/MS/insert terminal disease here. So I also don't think it's normal if it takes over your life or makes you so fearful that you don't live normally. I remember one doctor's appt where I went in with a list of symptoms as long as my arm and made her check all of them. They were things like a Slightly Aching Calf (thrombosis, to my mind!), spotty skin (looking back it was obviously stress and depression but I think I had probably persuaded myself it was a severe allergic reaction caused by a terrible hormonal imbalance!) and so on and so on. I saw a locum so she humoured me and checked it all but had I seen my own GP I feel sure she'd have spotted that it was all symptomatic of anxiety and depression, not anything physical. I know depression is* physical too but all my symptoms were psychosomatic I feel, there wasn't anything physically wrong with me, other than the depression. I think my GP would have asked some searching questions about why I was so worried had I seen her for that appointment. She'd have certainly uncovered some morbid thoughts and feelings if she had. In the end I did go to see her and she did spot it, weeks and weeks later and suggested St John's Wort. I wouldn't recommend you self-prescribe this but if my tale above sounds familiar then maybe you could see your GP. If your feelings aren't as strong as this, then please feel free to totally ignore me!

I'd say now, 6 years on, that I am still aware of my own mortality since I would hate to leave my ds behind. My own death does fleetingly cross my mind (I have worried about dying in labour for example, although not to the extent that I was worried before) and I think that's probably normal. But if these feelings start getting a grip again then it won't be normal and I will get help. My criteria will probably be how much I think about it and how much it cripples me. I thought about death a LOT last time, although it didn't necessarily stop me doing things, it just paralysed me to an extent. I don't know if that makes sense, I mean it stopped me being able to communicate with people or engage in life properly, not that I stopped hang gliding as a result. Don't know if that makes sense but anyway. As I've another baby due in 5 weeks I'm looking out for it and hoping it doesn't happen again. Hope something in this rambling helps.

When i became pregnant i did worry a lot about dying. But my best friend died when my son was four months old and i kind of faced my fear. I do know what you mean though your given this huge responsibility and it scares you.

Droile re your DH!

I worry about it a lot. I don't take as many risks anymore as before I had ds. Even when I was pregnant I would ride on a friend's motorbike - the thought of which fills me with complete horrow now!

When September 11th happened, ds was only 4 months old. I worked myself up into a right state - convinced that we were all going to die of smallpox and I was going to have to watch ds die first. Sounds rather silly now, but at the time I was almost sick with fear and couldn't sleep at night.

Now I don't really think about death as much, but I still have times where I worry about it. I still find myself avoiding newspaper reports about harm coming to children, as it just upsets me too much.

To be honest Freddiecat, I cope fine all day, but if I wake up in the night, I get flashbacks (I know that's not right, but that's what they seem like) of car accidents and horrible imagery involving their little heads. I just try to say 'no' to myself and think of something else, but they are quite intrusive.

I think it's just part of being a parent. Oddly enough, I have no fear whatsoever when I am actually in the car with them driving, except when approaching lorries drive too fast. Weird eh? By brain seems to save it all up for the wee small hours.

WWW I do really identify that (and LOL about the Slightly Aching Calf!). I also think I had slight PND after DS was born. It never got too bad and would usually reveal itself in me wiping my tears from where they'd splashed on to my beautiful smiling baby's face. I talked to DP a lot because he suffers depression on and off (and apparently it therefore makes me more likely to) - that really helped and then my pragmatic side took over and I am generally OK now.

I know what you mean about hoping it doesn't happen again. I feel that next time I will be more aware and therefore more likely to go to my doc and say "there is something wrong with me and I'm not putting up with it". I'm sure you'll be fine this time WWW - good luck.

I am the same. I think it's normal when having children (especially for mothers) and you just have to find a way of living with it. I have almost stopped reading the papers/watching the news because it upsets me so much to hear about all the bad stuff which happens to little ones
My grandmother used to say that having children is like walking around with an open wound for the rest of your life. Life becomes so precious and you become so vulnerable. The trick is to learn how to live with these feelings without them taking over and stop you enjoying life.

Has anyone taken the step of choosing legal guardians for their children in the horrible event of "both" parents dieing.
It is a terrible thought but I feel we have to decide as I couldn't bear the thought of family fighting over my girls, in our case there wouldn't be an obvious "close" relative to take them. Indeed the person we've chosen would I think be a shock to some of our family but we are happy with our choice.
Sorry if this off topic just wondered if anyone else has taken this step. We will be making our choice legal by Xmas prob.

I have specified in my will who I would like to be the legal guardians of our kids, should DH & I die, if that's what you mean.

Funny, I never worry about me dying, but the kids dying on me, that scares the BLANK out of me.

How do you decide who to choose? I don't want grandparents as they may die shortly after and want continuity of care. Thought about DD's godfather and his wife. Not sure though

I'm the same too since having my ds. When he was a newborn I could picture myself falling over whilst carrying him or falling down stairs. Now he's at nursery I even have to push thoughts of a crazed gunman carrying out a Dunblane like attack to the back of my mind. Horrible I know and I'd never admit it to dh as he would think I'm morbid.

I've also got a 'plan' of what we'd do if anything happenned to dh. I also worry about when ds gets older and wants to go out without me, then there's alcohol and drugs ..........

God I want to go and collect ds now!

Agree that this is a combo of normal evolutionary instincts and perhaps depression. I got extremely anxious about everything when I had ds - not so much about me dying (though that too), but stupid taking things to the worst possible scenario and worrying about that. Eg, in the car with ds crying,and unabl to cuddle/feed him because driving, I'd start imagining what it must be like to be a mother who ca't comfort/feed her child - eg, if your child was trapped in an earthquake and you could hear them crying, if you were in a famine and africa and had no food to give them, etc. etc. Although I still think these things occasionally, I have realised (having basically come out of it) that this was quite severe PND - never diagnosed as I answered 'right' to all the questions on the questionnaire, they don't ask you about excessive anxiety, nightmares, etc. (Getting an amnesty appeal through the post stopped me sleeping for weeks - I couldn't shut my eyes without imagining someone torturing ds...). I think all this is probably quite natural at a more normal level - as someone said, to make us be careful of ourselves and our children's safety. But if it is stopping you sleeping, colouring most of your thoughts, etc, go to your doctor - I really wish I had (and plan to before the birth if I get pregnant again - the thought of going through all that again terrifies me, but thats another thread...)

BTW, when ds was about a year old (depression mainly gone and normality reasserting itself...) dh and I did write wills and specify guardians in case we both died. (We were about to go on holiday and I started panicking that the plane might be targetted by terrorists...!!!). Also needed trustees for all that life insurance in case we both died, not just one of us!!