Fear of death etc. when I became a mother

45 replies

Freddiecat · 17/10/2003 12:30

I am interested to know if anyone else has gone through this.

I feel that the biggest change in me since DS was born is that I am really scared of death. What I mean by this is various things really. I am scared of dying and leaving DP with DS and of missing out of DS growing up. I am scared of DP dying and leaving me with DS. Mostly I am absolutely terrified that DS will die.

Generally I keep on top of these fears by putting them to the back of my mind. When DS was small I checked him in his crib every 5 minutes - almost because I didn't trust him to breath! I'm not an overcautious person and this also applies to my parenting style and maybe this is why this massive new feeling took my completely by surprise.

When I am not with DS I almost have to block him from my mind because if I think about him I start worrying about all the things I can't protect him from (getting panicky now).

Is this just motherhood? Did anyone else get this from the moment their babies were born?

Also I feel bad that I have worked out a plan in my head for if DP died or left us. Is this awful or is it a normal thing for a pragmatic person to do. I have no plan for if DS died because it would be too awful to contemplate.

OP posts:

Original poster

Freddiecat · 17/10/2003 14:01

We have both agreed that if we died we'd like my brother and his wife to take DS. They are a little younger and live close to my parents and her parents so would have support. This was after my mum suggested we should think about that as she asked my aunt and her husband to do the same for us when we were little.

Have not spoken to my brov tho (mum suggested we do so) and have not done anything legal at all (v lazy) as we have not done wills yet either.

How do you broach the subject with the intended guardians - esp if they do not have children. Want to sit down the 4 of us and say our intentions and reasons but ask them not to say anything to us at that moment but to go away and discuss and think before responding.

This thread has really helped me to realise I definitely did have PND to some extent, that by and large it's gone and that hopefully next time I'll deal with it better if I need to.

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ks · 17/10/2003 14:47

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Moomin · 17/10/2003 15:22

I think a lot of the "making escape routes to cope with fires/gunmen/wild beasts" thoughts reflect how we behave as animals with their young. It's an instinct that I definitely developed as soon as I had dd. I imagined that I'd somehow trip when I was going up the stairs and she'd fly out of my arms and over the bannister and stuff like that. When I told my friend who has 2 kids, she told me this was exactly how she felt and to some extent still feels even though they're a bit older now.

I guess having family bereavements at intervals through my life has made me accept that these things DO happen and I do think about it. I was talking to dh just the other day and made him promise to properly look after dd's wayward hair if I was dead. He was horrified and hates even considering anything like that, but it seemed sensible to me! It's funny though, I can envisage me dying and even dh, but I can't imagine being able to cope with anything happening to her. I spose it's the feelings you can't cope with - the trying to avoid danger for your kids just happens naturally. Does this make sense?

Northerner · 17/10/2003 15:31

Total sense Moomin.

bossykate · 17/10/2003 15:39

snap, georgina, except my worry was that we would die first and ds would just be left with no-one to look after him.

yes, i'm much more scared than before. i'm in the states for work at the atm - i'm so much more scared of flying than i used to be...

cazzybabs · 17/10/2003 15:39

I agree about the Sept 11th thing - I was just preganat and it made me think (for about 6 secs) about wether to bring a baby into this world. And then when she was born and so tiny I was so frighened for her. I kept thinking what is there is a bomb or something and we are both inside and I die and she is just left starving. It makes me feel all funny now...and this really freaked me out for months until I heard a play on radio 4. It was all about the Cubian missile crisis and I thought what generation hasn't had to worry about their children.
But I am glad I am not such a freak to think these things.

Original poster

Freddiecat · 17/10/2003 15:48

Cazzybabs I think we must have children similar age. I found I was pg completely unplanned early Sept 2001 and we were in the "considering what to do" stage (although there could only ever have been one outcome for us I think).

I came home on Sept 11 with this "you only get one shot at life" attitude and felt that life throws things at you sometimes and they are not always possible to control and you have to make the best of everything. I did have the whole feeling about this being a nasty world to bring a child into but as you say every generation has that.

I had to stop listening to the news in the run up to the Iraq war because I kept waking up with horrible nightmares about chemical weapon attacks etc.

Everything people are saying here makes so much sense. It's good to think that my over-active imagination is actually an animal survival instinct and not just a morbid fascination which I should bury!

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Moomin · 17/10/2003 19:48

I remembered after my last posting another paln I made one day. I was walking to town with dd when she was just a few weeks old and the path was running alongside a main road on one side and a cricket pitch down a slope on the other. All the way along the cricket ground I seriously envisaged a car ploughing off the road into me and I was calcualting the best angle for it to hit me giving me time to somehow buffet the pram into the soft ditch and, as dd was strapped into her car-seat as part of the pram, she'd be safely protected. I had it all worked out!

Moomin · 17/10/2003 19:49