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Sorry - rather morbid quesiton for this time of night - but.....

30 replies

HRHQoQ · 12/11/2005 00:07

it's been playing on my mind since DH and I were discussing it the other night.

Basically - how would you feel if you DH wanted to buried next to his mum......back home 1000's of miles away from where you're currently living - and where you'd be extremely unlikely ever to visit again if your DH died???

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 12/11/2005 00:10

I don't see the grave as a place that the person actually is, so don't think I'd mind.

I find it odd to visit graves on anniversaries of deaths, etc though - I'd rather remember the person alive and in their favourite place.

marthamoo · 12/11/2005 00:11

Does he want to be, QofQ? I don't know how I'd feel - it doesn't matter to me where dh is buried (you're right, this is morbid) as I don't have any strong feelings about needing a place to visit (well, I don't atm - I guess that could change). If your dh does want this is it about his Mum, or is it more about going 'home'?

HRHQoQ · 12/11/2005 00:13

Yes - wants to be buried next to his mum (sorry I know it's morbid - just been bugging me and not sure whether I'm over reacting or feeling normal - although I've not said a word to DH - obviously).

I think it's a bit of both, he was extremely close to his mum, and she died very suddenly when he was 23, and also partly (I think) wanting to go home.

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LadySherlockofLGJ · 12/11/2005 00:16

Tell him to bog off, he is married to you.

I am, as you know Catholic, DH has no real faith,but strangely, since I went back to Church he has developed a huge sense of community.

Anyway I digress, one night at Church we were talking about how a cremation at a crem would freak me out. DH piped up, I will be dead,you will be the most important person and if you want to take me up the hill to XXXXXXXXX, then you go right ahead. His basic premise being that you have to nurture the living.

Hope this makes sense.

katymac · 12/11/2005 00:16

Well I don't sgree with burials - so difficult to comment

Hopefully by the time he dies - burials will have been banned, then it won't be an issue.

I'm not being flippant - I really think that burials will be phased out.

LadySherlockofLGJ · 12/11/2005 00:18

KatyM

I do hope not, the thought of being cremated just freaks me out.

katymac · 12/11/2005 00:19

Being buried does me

But with the price of land in London - the only burials will happen very far away at the least - even if they aren't banned

marthamoo · 12/11/2005 00:20

I've never been to a burial - only cremations. And we have no 'markers' for any of my family, or special places where the ashes were scattered. My Grandad said to my Mum, just before he died, that he didn't want any kind of memorial - he said if she needed something, to chalk his name on a piece of slate, and leave it out, and by the time the writing had disappeared completely with the rain she would feel a little more ready to move forward. She said he was right.

katymac · 12/11/2005 00:21

That's rather nice Marthmoo - I like that idea

Blu · 12/11/2005 00:21

I wouldn't like it.
Rationally, I think like Hunker, and I can understand your DH feeling strongly about his homeland, but I would feel a bit bereft, tbh.

BUT does he want you to be buried next to him? (however impractical it all is).

Apart from the fact that you at least are far too young to be agonising about such things, AND have more wordly pressing concerns, could you think about it as YOU taking him back home to where you found him and his love, and where, as you say, you found yourself?

The truth is, i suspect, that if disaster struck in relaity, this would become less of an issue.

HRHQoQ · 12/11/2005 00:21

hmm - I see where you're coming from.....mind you I can't really say anything to him - although I'm not entirely sure what I'd like to be "done" with me - I have a gut feeling I'd like to be created and chucked over the side of Victoria Falls - where we went on our honeymoon - and one of the most beautiful places I've ever visited.

I know he's married to me - but his mum (according his his elder sisters........who have a different mother to him) would have been the sort of MIL that every woman hopes get but, rarely does.

He was born and bred in KweKwe so I guess a lot of it is wanting RIP at "home".

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marthamoo · 12/11/2005 00:23

I think (and this is my last word on the subject before I go to bed) that you should put it out of your head and cross that bridge when you come to it

HRHQoQ · 12/11/2005 00:24

Blu - I know one thing - if he pops his clogs before me - and he's buried in Kwekwe, then I want to be buried next to him......and my family can figure out how to do that

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Blu · 12/11/2005 00:25

Nice to know SOMETHING at least won'tt be your problem!

QueenVictoria · 12/11/2005 00:29

See now i like my DP's idea of what he wants if he goes first. Cremation, stuff him in a firework and set him off

Tortington · 12/11/2005 01:24

we were discussing this the other night. and i thought i knew the answer. dh gets himself dead. i get him burned - scatter his ashed on latics football pitch.

then he says he wants to be burned in oldham

"but why?"
"cos its where am from"
" yeah and its where you'll end up. why would i spend a couple of grand getting you transported up north when i could have burned you down here and put you in my glove compartment?"

its what he wants - but am afraid a little hard shit on his part as i think its completely unreasonable and a major expense and he can kiss my arse

HRHQoQ · 12/11/2005 01:35

thing is - I guess I'll probably do it anyhow- as despite the expense of getting him flown out to Zim - funerals out there are VERY cheap (well when converted to £££'s) and it'd be easier for me and my family to fly to Zim than for his family to fly here.

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verastones · 12/11/2005 01:37

Your dh must have forgotten what a sh** hole oldham is, I live right near latics and cant wait to get out

cant he think of somewhere better

ThePrisoner · 12/11/2005 01:46

My dh wants his ashes scattered in the Thames (he has fond memories of fishing in his youth). I've told him that we're going to save money and bypass the cremation bit, and just chuck him in as he is.

verastones · 12/11/2005 01:54

just joined tonight, finding it difficult to understand the site. what do all the abbreviations mean?

Tortington · 12/11/2005 02:13

i used to live near latics short walk to the hozzie when i was preggers. sh*ithole indeed.

anyway - theres an abbreviation tab at the top of the screen as you scroll up

dh - dear husband
dp
partner
ds
son
dd
daughter

mil
mother in law
fil
father in law
sil
sister in law

then you have your normal internet lingo
lol - laugh our loud

introduce your self in member profiles - get everyone to say hello. there are a few oldhamers or ex oldhamers
me, rhubarb, oliveoil -shes a manc in oldham - but we wont dwell on that.

welcome

HRHQoQ · 12/11/2005 11:24

sorry to bring this up again, but just wanted (briefly if possible for me ) to explain a little more about why DH would particularly want to be buried next to his mother (and yes we both know he's married to me).

When he was 4(?) maybe 5, his mum and dad split up, he stayed with his dad, and his two older sisters (who were from his dad's first marriage). He then didn't see his mum again until he was 11yrs old - when his dad remarried (and subseuquently had 2 more children) and for some reason he was allowed contact with his mum again(don't know all the details - he's quite a 'private' person as it is, and this is very 'private' in that he doesn't tell me everything).

On rediscovering his mum he found out he had a little brother.....she'd been pg when his mum and dad split up. Of course he was already at boarding school (paid for by his dad) so still didn't see her very often. On leaving school he went to college to do woodwork, and trained as a teacher (like his mum) - and was sent out to some tiny rurual school to teach. He'd only been there 3 months when his mum fell ill, and died very unexpetedly - with him having been told he was recovering well so had gone back to work - and was unable to get back to the hospital to be with her .

Unlike his dad, his mum never remarried - being a single parent in Zimbabwe, is nothing like it is here. But she worked incredibly hard to give her children everything she could (we had some of her beautiful furniture in our house - which had been left to DH - before we left Zim - but had to sell it to pay for flights and visas etc etc)

He's got precious few "things" to remember her with now, no photo's of them both together, a handful of books, and a couple of gifts he gave her - which we managed to salavage to bring back with us.

I think the whole thing affects him a lot more than he lets on - and I can totally understand why he'd want to be buried next to her.

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kleggie · 12/11/2005 11:42

QoQ, this is obviously playing on your mind and while I agree with the comments on here about funerals being more about the people left behind, I also realise how important it is for you to feel like you have honoured your husband's wishes. When my Grandad died he repeatedly told us NO RELIGION. My Grandma, a Christian, however could not honour this. He had a Christian funeral (which he would have despised) and has half of his ashes buried in a churchyard. As a compromise my Grandma let us have a lone piper at his funeral (what he truly would have wanted) and we took half of his ashes and scattered them on the beach. TBH, I couldn't say goodbye to him properly at the funeral as it wasn't even remotely about him or what he would have wanted.

I quite like the idea of being turned into diamonds which you can be with cremated remains. I can leave them to my children.

puff · 12/11/2005 11:59

I'd want to do what dh asks as far as his funeral is concerned.

I didn't like my mother being buried somewhere I am unable to visit regularly, but she wanted to be buried with her Mum. I hated the burial too (had nightmares for months afterwards) but now some time has passed I get comfort from knowing that we did what she wanted.

Tortington · 12/11/2005 16:15

wouldn't it cost a shit load of money?

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