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Original poster

Why doesn't my mum *like* me?

29 replies

colditz · 30/10/2005 10:13

I have just had an argument over the phone with her, resulting in me putting the phone down (not constructive, I know)

But she said she was coming up to see me this morning. And when I rang to find out what time, all I got was a pissed off litany on how busy she was, and how she couldn't give me a precise time, and how I had pressured her into saying she would come up in the first place, and so on...

So, ok, she's busy. But I didn't know that, I only rang to ask if she wanted to go to the car boot sale. She wouldn't speak to any of her friends like that.

I have a few friends, I know my personality isn't totally repulsive, so why does my mum find me so unpersonable? It does make me sad.

I know that nobody here has the answers, by the way.

OP posts:
buffytheharpsichordcarrier · 30/10/2005 10:14

no I don't have the answers but I would say it is pretty obvious sitting here that the problem is with her and not with you

QueenVictoria · 30/10/2005 10:18

Family can be that way sometimes (and not to their friends) because of the unwritten rule that you cant "lose" your family as such, but you can peeve your friends and lose them.

My mum is a fruit loop herself. I just ignore it and dont take it personally mostly but even then she still manages to irk me.

Last weekend she decided to bitch about me to my DP. Really cant see how that was constructive but i dont honestly care that she thinks that the only reason i disagree with her is because i think the sun shines out my dads arse (and not simply because she is wrong).

Was more upset that my DP was irritated that i had jumped up from the restaurant table with our 2 Lo's to follow my Dad and left him there with my Mum to bend his ear for 20 mins!

noddyholder · 30/10/2005 10:21

My mum is the same I would say it is herself she doesn't like not you!If she was happy with herself she wouldn't need to treat people like that The best revenge is never to rise to it difficult I know but since I have looked at it that way my mum has stopped getting to me in the same way I actually feel sorry for her now

charliebat · 30/10/2005 10:23

My mum fluffs herself up like a chicken ready for a fight of I dont agree with her.
Shuffles her feet and her shoulders. Makes me want to say Grow Up you idiot!

charliebat · 30/10/2005 10:25

Oh and if you had of said ..Dont worry about it ill go on my own.. you would find her being ever so nice the next day, or making a suprise visit because for once you havent let her make you feel like a twat..thats what my mum does anyway.

Original poster
colditz · 30/10/2005 10:27

She wouldn't. I have tried not contacting her until she contacts me, but ds then didn't see her for 3 months, and that's not acceptable when she only lives a 20 minute walk away, and she has a car! He started asking for her all the time, he loves his nanny.

OP posts:
noddyholder · 30/10/2005 10:29

My mum hasn't seen my ds since May!She never rings or sees any of us but rings in tears 2 weeks ago when her cat died!She spoke to dp as I was in bed and have heard nothing since Some people are just self obsessed Let her get on with it

charliebat · 30/10/2005 10:29

Awww what a dafty she is then My mum at least has the sense to realise she'dd be quite lonely without us lot.

ScummyMummy · 30/10/2005 10:29

Does she know she makes you feel like this, colditz?

QueenVictoria · 30/10/2005 10:33

Parents eh!

I know what you mean about the keeping contact colditz.

(My mum keeps asking us what we are doing for bonfire night at the mo. Id say "stop asking you dont need an invite to come over" since she is obviously fishing but i know she is using us as an excuse to not go to my DB's as she has fallen out big time with his girlfriend and doesnt want to build bridges because its all my Dads fault. WTF?)

Sorry i havent got any advice. I can only sympathise by showing you lots of us have mums that are nightmares. I lived with my MIL2b for 4 years because i couldnt live under the same roof as her anymore.

Original poster
colditz · 30/10/2005 10:33

I have tried to tell her, but just get told I am being oversensitive and imagining things, or she will refuse to discuss the subject any further.

I wish I was a strong enough person to stop seeking her attention

OP posts:
Original poster
colditz · 30/10/2005 10:35

at any given oppotunity, she will tell everyone what a revolting baby I was and how she hated me and wanted to throw me out of the window for crying. She has since admitted that she didn't know you have to burp babies.....

OP posts:
noddyholder · 30/10/2005 10:36

Colditz when you stop seeking her approval you will be a lot happier but I do know how hard it is BUT would you take that sort of treatment from a friend?I bet you wouldn't Do you have brothers and sisters?

Original poster
colditz · 30/10/2005 10:39

Yes, I have a brother 20 and a sister 15, who both live with her.

So I know I am pretty much last on her list of priorities, and I don't mind that because they need her more than I do.

the sad thing is, she was a lot more likable 10 years ago, but I was 15 and hated everyone. I think I may have brought this on myself, I was a vile teenager. She informs me that my sister is much nicer than I was as that age.

OP posts:
QueenVictoria · 30/10/2005 10:40

She seems to have some underlying guilt she hasnt dealt with properly. I dont think there is a lot you can do except try not to take it personally. Its not about how you are but how she is and how she deals with it.

Original poster
colditz · 30/10/2005 10:41

I do want her to approve of me, and she never ever will, because I am not her son. she has always ripped strips off me when she is feeling stressed, that is no surprise, the mystery to me is why the hell I still let her.

OP posts:
Lonelymum · 30/10/2005 10:41

Colditz, no offence, but do you and her have similar personalities? I know my mum and I don't get on very well - she never seems to approve of anything I do, even my brother and sister admit she does not speak well of me to them (or not as highly as she speaks of them) but I know we are very similar personalities and I think it is often the case that people don't like other people who are too similar to themselves.

ScummyMummy · 30/10/2005 10:43

Well, vile teenager or not, she sounds like she's behaving very cruelly towards you. I hope she wakes up to herself before you decide you're better off without her. Sympathies.

QueenVictoria · 30/10/2005 10:43

I have found my mum does that more to my older DB because he lets her. She doesnt do it to me because she knows she'll get as good as she gives IYSWIM.

I dont tiptoe round her like the rest of my family, which is why i have the rep of being harsh - because i say what i feel when i feel it.

Maybe its worth a try?

Original poster
colditz · 30/10/2005 10:46

Yes we are quite similar, she is always accusing me of being oversensitive and needy, but actually so is she.

This is absurd, if anyone else didn't like me I just wouldn't speak to them. I wouldn't be in tears about it. She hasn't liked me since I was 10. She has never said it, and she says I am being silly when I say it, but I just know.

OP posts:
noddyholder · 30/10/2005 10:48

I don't think its you my mum was a different person 10 yrs ago too very similar!She is probably jealous of you Honestly rise above it and give it say 6 months of not putting up with it and see if she changes I did this and my mum still hasn't changed but I have and just wouldn't put up with that now you deserve better and BTW all teenagers are vile it is no reason to treat you like c**p as an adult

Lonelymum · 30/10/2005 11:07

Of course you know Colditz. I know that about my mother too, although, like your mother, she would deny it if the idea was suggested to her. I sometimes feel sad to think we will never be reconciled to each other.

But we are talking about like here aren't we? I know my mother dislikes me, but I also knows she loves me as a mother should. Do you feel your mother loves you deep down?

charliebat · 30/10/2005 11:24

My mum has really changed in the past 10-15 years. She used to patient and caring and the best mum in the world. Now she is bitter and twisted and nothing like she used to be.
Is it menopause/age?

noddyholder · 30/10/2005 11:27

I think it is a combination of age the menopause and jealousy and I know for a fact my mum is the sort of person who is dissatisfied with her own life and can't understand how other people can be happy without big material things

Tortington · 30/10/2005 11:39

theres not a delecate way of putting this sorry,

if you dont speak to your mum - then shes not arsed about seeing her grandchild - but you want your son to see his nan.

this strikes me as odd - why would you want your son to have contact with someone who clearly can't be arsed?

obviously an amicable agreement is far better as suggested below - its just that as some point you have to say to your mum " look stop with the dramatics - if you dont speak to me - make a regular effort to see Grandkid - or lets call it a day.

IMO kids get hurt when they are pissed about like this. i would rather they got upset for a while and got over a false feeling that someone loves then which in actual fact isn't reciprocated at all.

moi projecting? never!

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