Wedding - Hurt at lack of interest shown by family.

[M2T]

As many of you know I get married in 5 weeks time and I'm really looking forward to it.

DP and I were always going to do most of the arrangements ourselves, but it has been taken to the extremes now!

My parents offered to pay for the reception. And that's their only contribution! I'm don't want any other financial contribution..... I'm talking about showing a general interest in the fact their dd is getting married. They don't even ask how the plans are coming along. At the end of phones calls with my Mum I have to actually say to her "Are you not going to ask how the plans are coming along?" !!!

It really hurts. My parents are away on holiday just now for a fortnight. The week before it I asked my Mum if she was at all interested in the wedding and her answer was, and I quote:

"Oh for goodness sake, I'm going on holiday next week, I can only concentrate on one thing at a time!". I just about hit her!

Then she said would help out when they came back, but I had to point out to her that the arrangements would have to be finalised by then so really it was too late for her to start bothering now. She said to me "Well WE had our holiday booked before YOU set the date"!!

What can I say to that?? It is hurting every day that my parents are only interested in how much the bill for the reception is going to be and even then I know they will cause an argument with me about the cost. I never asked them to help with the cost for that very reason, but they wanted to invite all their friends and I couldn't afford to..... so they offered..... YES they offered to help pay for my reception PURELY so they could invite all their pals!!

I can't get this out of my head, but I don't want to feel this resentment towards my parents on my wedding day. Are they really THAT selfish?. I know I will go off my head if I hear them taking praise for organising such a lovely day. They have literally done NOTHING to help me. And DP's parents live too far away. At least they phone every week to ask how things are coming along.

Sorry to ramble.... I really needed that off my chest.

m2t - this does all sound a bit off.

I was going to say that I have friends who would kill for such uninterfering parents, but that seems a bit churlish. Your parents don't sound very reasonable at all.

But try to rise above it. For one thing, is it possible that there is a reason for your mother's behaviour? (I know you have 2 parents, but it seems she's the one who's pissed you off the most) Does she have a friend who ruined her dd's wedding by being overinterested? Is she preoccupied by something?

Even if there isn't a reason, I guess it's a side of their personalities which you hadn't seen before - don't let resentment of it ruin your big day!

Lucy123 - My Dad doesn't take much interest in anything other than football so it doens't bother me about him. But my Mum!!! She was like this toward me when my ds was born and she founf out I had PND. She told me I was being pathetic and that SHE had never had any help from my Dad with her babies and she had had 4, but I had my dp there so why was I being such a whinge!!!

I thought she would be different about the wedding though. I am the first of her 4 children to have a baby and also the first to get married. She seems faaaaar too preoccupied in herself. Plus she keeps referring to her wedding day. Things like "I didn't get any help".... I wish she would get over it and realise that just because her mother didn't take an interest it doesn't mean she can't either. It's almost like she is punishing me firstly for having a baby with a dp that helps me, now for getting married! I really want to scream at her to GROW UP!

My brother got married at the start of August this year and everyone on both sides of the family called to get frequent updates on the progress. At least once a week twice a week in the final months. Right through from my nanna through to cousins. We all live scattered over the country but did get updates.

We're all very close anyway so it was very exciting for us to know the details - even arranged to have confettie the same colour as her bridal bouquet (made with petals from flowers the same as bouquet).

I'm also reasonably religious so the ceremony was very important for me and dd to attend (especially as dd was bridesmade).

My nanna who is near 80 made all of the bridesmade dresses (dd wore a mini victorian wedding dress, complete with fishtale back) sothat perhaps gave us more in the way of reasons to call constantly.

So we all knew every detail, though maybe sil did find us annoying and considered sending a memo out instead of answering questions 20 times every week!

I'm sorry to hear that your parents aren't giving you as much support as you deserve. I'd be inclined to get the issue off my chest as soon as they get back so that you can get married without resentment for them at the back of your mind.

Congratulations on your big day and all the happiness for the future for all of your family.

M2T - our mothers must be related - I had this and in the end changed everything and only had a small wedding with the few ppl we wanted their and told family once we had done it - we had actually been married for a week before we told them - dh and i thought why are we doing this for everyone else its our day we will have what we want and we did and it was great and no regrets - mother makes the odd remark when a friend child planning a wedding that she didnot have any of that but we ignore it - What we did is not for every one but it worked for us Good luck though with your big day

M2T - Parents are funny things and your mother sounds just a little jealous if you ask me.

Have you asked her to do things with you or just spoken to her about things - has she had any say in anything?? You could always give her a list of things that you would like her to do for you and see what she says.

Or you can ignore her, have a wonderful time and know that you will never behave like this with any of your children - that has been my way to go forward (well as much as I can at the mo) learn from their mistakes - you will get your chance and she should not be allowed to make your big day miserable.

M2T my Mum was exactly the same and seemed none perplexed by the whole. All my Dad was bothered about was whether or not his sl*g girlfriend could come! Then when I was pregnant my Mum didnt seem bothered again and my Dad said he was too young to be a Grandad!

How old are your parents BTW? Mine were both 41 when I got married and 43 when I had their first grandchild and I think because all their friends kids weren't getting married and having kids yet they found it hard to get excited about it. No excuse I know but they didnt have to wait that long like some parents do

M2T, sorry to hear there is trouble brewing :{

It sounds like, from the things your mum has said about her own life that she is very unhappy about the life she has had and maybe has a few regrets. Unfortunately she seems to be taking it out on you. I think oldest children often bear the brunt of an unhappy parent's feelings.

In terms of the wedding, personally I would ignore her, enjoy your day, expect nothing of her. The reason I say this is that it sounds like her 'attitude' is a long term thing, and you are feeling it more because it is putting such a damper on your big day, and itf its a long term thing then it probably won't be resolved in the next 5 weeks. Infact it could really explode if she isn't going to be reponsive to you and try to figure things out. If you think that she will listen and make the effort and you have the energy to deal with her before your wedding then go for it.

Make sure your day is about you and DP, if your mother is unhappy with her lot, don't let her ruin your happiness. But in the long run you will have to find away to deal with her, just prioritise for now, iykwim!

I think I'm rambling again.

Good luck for the big day though, do we get to see pictures???

Scottiebabe - we had originally planned a small wedding like that, then my Mum and Dad got their tuppence worth in and it escalated.... then they back off totally and took NO interest in it!

I feel sorry for dp's family coz they really wish they could help but they don't have much money, they live 400 miles away and don't drive.

My Mum got quite catty about dp's Mum. I said I was rewording the invitations as I didn't think it appropriate to have it look like my parents were inviting everyone to watch their precious dd get married. I changed them to say "Together with their parents & would like to invite.... etc etc.

She said that it should be the brides parents inviting people and I informed her that his parents were having much more to do with the arrangements than my parents. Her reply was " Oh yeah and how much are THEY paying for?"

IS IT ALL ABOUT FECKIN MONEY???????????????????

It could be a generational thing. Not casting aspersions about you parent's age M2T, but it could be that they want the full monty, "tradtion"-wise - it's that word again

Does your mum wish that she was doing the whole mother-of-the-bride thing. ie planning and paying for the whole thing without your involvement. That's what my mum seemed to want too. She saw it very much as "her" party with me as the side show. It was incidental that it was my wedding.

Sounds like sour grapes to me - "I can't plan the whole day, so i'll have nothing to do with any of it - so there - ner ner ner ner" etc....

Thanks folks. My Mum is most definitely miserable with her life. But that's not my fault and the resentment has been building since ds was born.

I want to talk to her, but it always ends up with us arguing and her storming out of my house cryingsaying that I'm spiteful and selfish and "not right in the head". Thats a commonly used phrase.

Good idea about writing her a list. Perhaps she is feeling put out because I said that dp and I would organise most of it. But that was when it was the small wedding we were originally planning with NO reception! Not this monster wedding with 120 guests.

Bobsmum - My Mum seriously just seems to not have an interest. She and my Dad wanted to make sure their pals were their and apart from that all she's has contributed toward it is telling me I'm doing it all wrong.

She definitely did not want to organise it. She said that it was a good job dp and I were organising it coz thats what happens when you get married after having a child and buying a house.....

I didn't see the relevance, but maybe I'm thick!

Euh that sounds messy. I know how easily things can escalate around a wedding - seem to be explosive times - I was nearly caught out by my relatives at mine and it's usually historical stuff that is nothing to do with you at all!

All I would advise is (if you can, somehow) make it clear to your mum soon that although she is paying for it all, because she has shown no interest in helping to arrange / make decisions about the reception, you don't want to hear any criticism about what you have arranged. Otherwise she could upset you on the big day by a few badly timed comments.

M2T As you know I had a shi**y time when planning our wedding but out of my father.He never even went and all because of a stupid row I had with my sister.
Dont let anyone ruin your day with dh.It is one of the most important days of your life.

Another thing that is making me very angry is this. My Mum and Dad offered to pay for the reception. Thats it. Not the photographer, cake, cars, flowers, dress, kilts or anything else. Now, as dp and I don't have much spare cash the wedding was going to be tiny. But my Mum & Dad made sure that I invited Aunts, Uncles, their friends so now we have to have the who shebang.

We weren't going to have a reception so that meant: no cake, no table arrangements, no cars. No we have had to pay for all of those AND get a bank loan to do it. How share of the wedding is coming to nearly DOUBLE what they are paying yet my Mum keeps reminding me every day that they can't afford this, that or the next thing!! Making me feel guilty when I know that dp and I have just gotten into more debt to have the wedding THEY want!

I'm gonna scream if I continue posting this!

Ooops I mean the WHOLE shebang....

BUT they still managed a fortnight abroad!

Blimey, weddings really do bring out the worst in people don't they? I think it was enid who said that and I agree.

Wrt the invitations, it is traditional (not saying best or right, just traditional) for invites to read "bride's parents invite xxxx to the wedding of their dd xxx to xxxx on etc etc" as it is also traditional for the bride's parents to pay for the whole thing (again, not necessarily right or anything). This is why, presumably, the bride's parents always used to be so involved - partly because they'd usually paid for it and partly because the bride usually organised the whole thing in conjunction with her parents rather than his. I'm not saying this makes it all OK, not at all, but I just wonder if this might be behind their problem with the wording on the invitation?

Now the thing is, no offence meant and all that, but if you agreed to take some money from them and the deal was that in return they were allowed to get involved and invite who they wanted, then I think you're lucky they're not sticking their oars in left, right and centre tbh! I know it's a fine line between helping as much as you'd like and not interferring but maybe your mum is trying not to interfere too much? If you do want to go back to a small wedding and no interference then tell them and tell them you don't want their money either. Really, I think you should have the day YOU want, not their idea of a wedding. Ditto re their friends. You will have to thank them at the reception I think, but if they're paying something, that's fair enough.

I do sympathise though and I also know the feeling: at my wedding to ex dh my mum didn't help at all before or on the day and it did pee me off. She was the same with my sister so I think she just doesn't 'do' that trad mother of the bride bit very well and isn't that interested. She takes the view that we're grown ups, paying for it ourselves, we don't need her help and she's quite busy enough anyway thank you very much! So whilst I know the feeling I think it's worth trying not to get too worked up about it really (may be easier said than done).

When I marry dp I'll just accept that I won't get any help so I won't expect it or get cross when it's not offered. I think you should just organise it and try not to resent her for her inability to get worked up about it. I do see quite a bit of that "in my day...you lot don't know you're born...we just had to get on with it you know" stuff from my parents and friend's parents and whilst I see what they mean in some ways it is irritating too isn't it? Best of luck and I really would try not to let this spoil your day. Sometimes I think it must be hard when you get to our parents ages to have to live up to our expectations of what a good parent should be. Hope you don't feel offended by any of this, just my thoughts.

M2T - tell her how much it is costing you and ask her if she wants to pay for it.

IIWU I would call the whole thing off and go away withthe people you actually like and get on with and have a great day - tell her she can come if she wants but this is how you and DP want to do it and if she does not like it she can lump it.

M2T, other posts weren't there when I was typing. Aren't you tempted to go back to small, intimate, what YOU want type of wedding? I think I would be sorely tempted at this point, especially if it's stretching you financially. Think what you could do with the money instead!

M2T I agree with boe and www.
Make your wedding day special not a day to please your parents and get in debt.

WWW - I didn't want their money, but they got quite insistant. But they don't want involved at all. My Mum just wants me to tell her how much the reception costs. But when I try to talk to her about it she starts going on about her: holiday, money problems, weight.... you name it!

I knew that them offering to pay was not a good thing as it meant expanding every aspect of the wedding and it meant (means) putting up with the sly digs about the fact that they cant' afford to pay.

1. THEY CAN!
2. If they couldn't why the f*ck did they decide to offer then make me feel eternally guilty!

Selfish prats.

Unfortunately it's all paid for now. Ironically , all except the reception!

M2T how much has already been paid for...is it too late to have the wedding you want?

Its sounds like your damned if you do and damned if you don't, so IIWY I would please myself.

(Coming from the lady who ran off to Niagara Falls second time round so no one could intefer or annoy me like my first wedding)

Well why dont you cancel the whole shebang like boe said (because THEY cant afford it according to your mother) and do something more intimate.
How does your dp feel about all this?
I expect he is pretty peeved knowing his wedding day is becoming like a farce and that he will have to go into debt for. Stop thinking about what they want and what you and your dh want.

M2T you posted: "She definitely did not want to organise it. She said that it was a good job dp and I were organising it coz thats what happens when you get married after having a child and buying a house....."

Do you think that might be the issue here? Maybe she's putting you down for not doing things "properly" in her eyes. Is she disappointed it's not the "white" wedding it might have been in her day and so is trying to salvage as much of the trappings as possible? She's obviously out to impress her friends and family. And to put a positive slant on it - she'll be showing you off to them, so she is proud of you, even if she won't say as much.

My mum still makes comments about friends' children getting married after living together for years. She doesn't see the point: "if they believed in marriage, why didn't they do it first etc etc". She also is very anti wedding lists if you've been living together first - she calls it "greed". Again I put that down to her age and upbringing. The Scots don't talk about feelings- remember? And as for money.....