Wedding - Hurt at lack of interest shown by family.

[M2T]

As many of you know I get married in 5 weeks time and I'm really looking forward to it.

DP and I were always going to do most of the arrangements ourselves, but it has been taken to the extremes now!

My parents offered to pay for the reception. And that's their only contribution! I'm don't want any other financial contribution..... I'm talking about showing a general interest in the fact their dd is getting married. They don't even ask how the plans are coming along. At the end of phones calls with my Mum I have to actually say to her "Are you not going to ask how the plans are coming along?" !!!

It really hurts. My parents are away on holiday just now for a fortnight. The week before it I asked my Mum if she was at all interested in the wedding and her answer was, and I quote:

"Oh for goodness sake, I'm going on holiday next week, I can only concentrate on one thing at a time!". I just about hit her!

Then she said would help out when they came back, but I had to point out to her that the arrangements would have to be finalised by then so really it was too late for her to start bothering now. She said to me "Well WE had our holiday booked before YOU set the date"!!

What can I say to that?? It is hurting every day that my parents are only interested in how much the bill for the reception is going to be and even then I know they will cause an argument with me about the cost. I never asked them to help with the cost for that very reason, but they wanted to invite all their friends and I couldn't afford to..... so they offered..... YES they offered to help pay for my reception PURELY so they could invite all their pals!!

I can't get this out of my head, but I don't want to feel this resentment towards my parents on my wedding day. Are they really THAT selfish?. I know I will go off my head if I hear them taking praise for organising such a lovely day. They have literally done NOTHING to help me. And DP's parents live too far away. At least they phone every week to ask how things are coming along.

Sorry to ramble.... I really needed that off my chest.

Very true Bobsmum re: the Scots and money! lol

We have out too much money in now to cancel it. We wouldn't even have enough money to organise another small wedding. Plus it wouldn't be fair on DP or his family. He misses them a lot and they are all soooooo excited about our wedding and meeting all my family (HUH!!). Poor souls.

His mum keeps saying to me " I bet your Mum is all stressed and really excited now". I just say yes and change the subject. It hurts SOOOOO much. But I s'pose now I can see that I'm not alone.... come on girls... we are all Mums now...

Would you do this with your childs wedding???

M2t, just a quickie, my parents and dps parents aren't that interested in our wedding either to tell you the truth - I have realised that certain among them just think its plain vulgar to have a 'big' wedding when you already have children. Could there be any of that attitude in your mother do you think?

My parents and dps parents have contributed but we are putting in a lot of cash ourselves. I didn't think it would be right to have my parents inviting everyone, so we are having 'Enid and dp invite you to...'etc and mentioning their generous contributions in the grooms speech.

I am so over my mums lack of interest, she was the same with my sister - part of it is her weird social phobia - she is so stressed about the actual day she can't get beyond that. Also, I am going to be an old bride (!) so I don't really want a lot of fawning and fuss made quite honestly.

Please just try and ignore her bad attitude BUT at the same time weddings are slightly about duty so you may find that you cheer your mum up if you give her a small task to do? Something specific that only she can do?

My dad has never paid for a thing for weddings. When he and mum married they had a tiny registry office wedding. He married his current wife abroad so no guests.

When dh and I married he came along, ate and went home. We did not even get a card. Then he asked me why we had spent so much money on our wedding. I told him it was because we were so happy we wanted to make a big splash and it was worth every penny. I tried to explain that my dh made me feel valued by being keen to spend so much on our wedding (as is obvious I did not get this feeling during childhood!). Of course he did not get it at all!

M2T, at least you are able to plan and arrange everything how you want it to be without interference. As for the rest - perhaps they will be like my dad and never get it.

We don't expect our dad to remember birthdays and stuff, and no-one is ever really hurt when he forgets. We are used to him. And he is always there if your car breaks down or your plumbing goes wrong. We love him for what he is and forgive him for what he isn't. And it gives us something to moan about and take the p**s out of and goodness knows, we all need that.

Nobody's perfect, especially parents. Organise your day how you want it and walk down the aisle with a big smile on your face. The rest of the details don't matter so much if you have the right bridegroom in the first place.

I know that when the wedding day comes about my Parents will be the ever-so-proud parents. And they will have absolutely no problem with accepting praise for the effort they've put into such abeautiful day. I want people to know that dp and I arranged it ALL and paid for most of it, but I know I can't without sounding bitter and spiteful and childish.....
I'll be grinning and bearing it I think. I am looking forward to it though.

M2T, try turning the tables on your mum, when she goes on about her hols, weight etc say that you are too busy thinking about the wedding to think about her issues too, maybe she'll get the hint.

But seriously, I wouldn't get too worried. Maybe she just wants you to have your day the way you want it without interference (or maybe you could pretend that that was the case).

And on the day if she tries to take the credit laugh hysterically and say Nice one Mum, good joke.

M2T - wedding planning is awful and stressful to say the least. I also agree with Enid and WWW that it does bring the worst out in people. The thing I learnt from my wedding is that you won't be able to please everyone, so I reckon you may as well have the sort of day you and your DP want. At least you'll be happy then and won't feel as you have made a compromise for other people (who you may feel may not appreciate what you have done anyway).

A friend of mine and her finance had so much trouble with their parents arguing over this and that, they ended up paying for the lot themselves so that they could have the right as it were to have the day they wanted. However, they still thanked their parents at the speech afterwards. I think its a courtersey - a bit like giving the mothers a bouquet (which I kind of resented with my MIL as she didn't help really either).

My in-laws sound like your parents M2T. I had a bust up eith FIL a week before the wedding, because he asked me whether there would be a pin for his flower on the day! A PIN! I bloody ask you. Up to that point, neither of them had even asked how the arrangements were going, or offered to help. He also moaned because he had to buy a new suit for the day.

My parents gave £1000 towards the cost, because there were 20 members of my family who we could not ask due to lack of our funds (we paid for all of it). So Dad offered to pay for that list of 20 people, to save offence or embarrassment. We were happy to do this, and thanked them in the speeches.

Having said that, my mum was going to wear this HIDEOUS pink chiffon concoction that a friend had lent her. It wasn't even new when this friend bought it. I got really hurt by this, alomst as if my wedding wasn't good enough to wear a new dress to! Silly I know, but then we do have a bad history. In the end, she bought a lovely outfit from Planet for the day, and a dress for the evening!

Tell you what, this thread is slowly convincing me that popping to a registry office with 2 witnesses is going to be the way we go...

I got married in what you would call the registry office myself. I have no regrets! It really seems that your Mum has so many of her own issues and I know you can't help but personalize it, but she is just distressfully blurting out the same things she would be saying to anyone that pressed her buttons, not just you her own daughter. Her responses probably have nothing to do with you, but it is very difficult to get any distance from it because you are in so much emotional turmoil as this is your special day. It is so hard to tap into your own strength and self confidence at times like thesetrying to shut off the "why is this happening to me voice", the "am I doing the right thing voice"I know this all too well. Try to find some peace any way that you can, try not to feel trapped, even if you have paid for it, etc. It just sounds like you don't have any room in your mind to change your decision--somehow it would be great if you could even give yourself the "illusion" that you have a choice so that you can relax a little and be able to focus more positively. Actually get to enjoy putting together the rest of the wedding. Good Luck to you from across the ocean!

Thanks all.