Social lives: how do you and DP

[bakedpotatooooowoooh]

... arrange your individual evenings out?
I need some tips. It's a tiny bit as if DH is 'pulling rank' on me, though I know he would hate it if I used those words to him.
I put the children to bed every weeknight. He likes to fantasise that he's home for at least one weeknight per week (I've heard him telling his friends/parents this) but it really doesn't happen. I work from home anyway, so I suppose I've always cushioned the blow for him.
It has always been a bit like this but has got worse recently, esp since he's been promoted and I've been on maternity leave. Call me a wuss, but I only feel like schlepping out to meet friends if I've escaped at least the bedtime stories.
Recently I've made a few plans but they've all had to be rearranged/cancelled bcs of his meetings/whatever. And if I've made plans to meet another mother, this is naturally rather complicated and requires a huge chain of consultation. I am beginning to resent the fact that I'm having to ask permission and often have it refused if I want to go out.
How do the rest of you negotiate this one?

I shall watch this thread with considerable interest.

Erm..... i just tell him i am and when!

We then work around timings as much as poss and i prep as much beforehand as i can so he never has ANY excuse for me not to. Not that he should or does anyway.

oh - and if he ever does have other unchangeable plans that come up i tell him to ring his mother to get her to babysit.

Can you not get famiily to do it for you bakedpot?

I ask if he has anything planned, if not out I go. It's first come first served in our house.

I rarely go out. But when I do I just tell him the night it is and remind him a few nights before not to swan off anywhere and to try and get in early.
I go out in the evening so I dont have to waggle over times and places. He just has to get them to brush their teeth and go to sleep.
If I meet a mum through the days its with kids.
Having to get my mum to have them at the weekend as hes working while I do and course all day Saturday.

we 'synchronise' our calendars about twice a month - we have a big calendar in the kitchen, and if something is not on that calendar then it's considered a free evening. Nobody has priority over anyone else (say if something comes up for a night out for both of us on the same evening) UNLESS it is a work do or something where someone else has bought tickets.

you should ask which night this week he's planning on being the night he's home and go out then

If you have made plans before he had then he needs to rearrange.

I just tell him! Most times it's OK, but tonight I'm out for dinner and Thurday is dh'd footie night. It was really important to me that I go tonight so dh is missing his footie. Bless him! Mind you he'll probably expect payment in sexual favours later

BP I do what QV suggests. I do ask prior to confirming arrangements if there is any reason he can think of why he won't be in on a certain night. If not I organise it. If he can't get home after all HE HAS to sort a Babysitter. UNLESS it is a genuine excuse and there really is a meeting he CANNOT get out of (if so it will usually have been prearranged as it is in the evenong)

Yep, on the calendar too.

I think what BP and I are particularly concerned about is the timing issue. I can go out loads, if I want to, after he's back. Can't get round this. No family. Lots of people haven't, you know.

Gosh. Depends where you start from.
Eg I have a dh who whines if he goes 4 hours without a social engagement (dd going that way too, but another discussion) & quite charmingly I grudgingly suppose whines worse if I don't want to join in. So whenever I hint that I have something I want to go to I get fulsome and verging on embarrassing encouragement.

I do find a Household Calendar, backed up by email helps. In fact doing it all by email helps as it is then In Writing. And one can write, very clearly 'AS IT SAYS ON THE CALENDAR' and get responses that 'I have put it on the Colander' [sic]

I plan in advance (and so does he to be fair) and once a night out is booked, it can only be cancelled/postponed if he has to go away because of work - that's it, anything else unacceptable (unless someone very ill etc.)

We don't have the luxury of family either, so we make sure we respect each other's nights out which tbh are few and far betwen.

If its a work thing, then fair enough, but other than that you need to be having words, surely.

We do have family around but they never help in the week and we do go out loads, just separately (calendar method).

What does annoy me though is when DH thinks Ive been out more than him, I can see him thinking 'Ooo what can I do, where can I go?, so its 'even' again, same with time/jobs in the house when we are both in. Grrr.

I normally make sure that he hasn't any plans that have been arranged, he normally tells me in advance...I arrange things in advance if possible so theres no clashes and if he suddenly says somethings cropped up well then he has to be part of the arranging babysitting as they are our!! children although I'm sure he forgets from time to time.

I'm going to get my hair cut in about an hour and the mopaning has already started saying he needs to go and that he's benn stuck in all week. I have given him every opportunity to take the car but he says he doesn't like driving into town.

Aggravates me really as he just brings up problems why something can't be done such as me going out swimming or to meet a friend and the biggy the odd night out. I have become an excellent problem solver thanks to that though and he often ends up doing the teenage/caveman thing the throwing of the arms and the grunts whhich is when he realises he's being unreasonable.

Sorry He's winding me up at the moment about this very topic so will be watching with interest.

Yeah but MI what time does he USUALLY get in? Is there anything actually stopping him coming home earlier? I mean if he finishes at 6, but has to commute for 2hrs, then fair enough don't expect him home/plan anything before 8pm. BUT I got the impression that he seems to be staying longer at work for 'meetings' and not coming home at a reasonable time.

Does your dh do this too. I realsie that not everyone has Babysitters on tap, but BP's dh does seem to be taking the p**S.

We very rarely go out tbh. I go out more than DH (he never goes out without me), so I just tell him in advance to make sure he's home from work in time. If he's going to be working late, he just phones me and lets me know.

I think my partner is not in the Mr BP category; he does get back for around 6.30ish (by which time the Inferiorettes are fed and frequently bathed, though). I do feel the 'pulling rank' elements a bit though.

dh and I used to go out quite reguarly but with him working nights and hardly seeing him amongst other things we hardly ever go out.
I appreciate staying in snuggling on the sofa at weekends, coz I miss him
btw if I wanted to go out dh wouldnt object

Dh's/Dp's are good at pulling rank though aren't they? Mine is also good at opting out of parental duties cause he's busy/tired/been at work etc. As if we get the option of opting out.

My dh wouldn't object to me going out (unless it was every night), but I really feel the 'can't do anything till he gets home' - he usually gets home about 8, when the children are in bed, and I feel too tired to go out then! I do think it's a bit of an unfairness, because he is free to go and do things after work, but doesn't like to give a 'time' when he will be home, so I really don't have any control over when my 'day' ends, or when shared responsibility begins.

does he have a regular time that he comes back? My dh is mostly not here by bedtime so I only plan to go out after they are in bed - even if it means I turn up an hour late to a girls night out dinner. Because of the calendar, he knows, by the beginning of the week, which day I need to go out on and can try and make sure that any meeting is not planned for that day.

It does sound like your dh is taking the piss a bit.

ps what happens if you both go out together and get a babysitter? does he find excuses for that aswell?

Negotiate? Er, I don't negotiate. I'm going out, you have to be in. End of.

I have been reading this thread with interest. It seems to me that either your dp is reasonable and accepts the fact you want to go out or just can't see things from your point of view.

For the record, mine is never home before 9am on weekdays and regularly has "marketing" that means he crawls in pissed at 1am after wining and dining clients. Whenever I ask him to be back because I am going out (on that rare occasion) he says he can't promise anything. Grrrrr

From my experience you just have to keep telling him you are going out, otherwise your dp will take the piss.