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Original poster

How would you feel about this? (long, bemoaning rant)

30 replies

hhhhenleyonthames · 11/10/2005 07:53

My beloved xh has not paid a single penny of child support for coming up to four years (four children). He has a couple of flats in the Algarve (apparently - he has been boasting to friends and has photos etc etc), drives a new 4x4 beast, has a top of the range bmw motorbike for fun and has given up work. He has a trust fund that is embedded in some family finances and is hard to track down.

He lives in Portugal and holidays in the UK and Greece. He is engaged to be married to a Portuguese woman (rumour has it htat they have a child) and he has a besotted doctor's wife in hot pursuit after him in the UK, as well as a string of young and not so young floozies that my friends have seen him with....

He has not seen the kids for four years. He recently dropped off a big bag of kids clothes when passing through town on his big bike en route to the UK, but did not ask to see the kids. The clothes were various sizes and some of the children got lots and others next to nothing.

The French authorities are very hot on child support and when I filled in my tax returns and put zero under income from xh, the wheels started turning.

We have now arrived at the point where it is going to come to court. He has said that he will not under any circumstances pay 'eh, tough, that's life....' and that he will not come to France to negotiate with the judge or for the hearing.

This means that he will carry the mandatory prison term of up to two years. I will have to give evidence against him in court.

Why the hell do I feel guilty? And how will the children feel about me being instrumental in sending their father to prison?

OP posts:
LadySherlockofLGJ · 11/10/2005 07:57

Well personally I would do it, because he sounds self obsessed and I really can't see him letting it get that far,he can't take his toys to prison.

Carmenere · 11/10/2005 07:59

Your not sending him to prison, he is responsible for his own actions, and how do they feel about him abandoning them? Do you need the money and why does he feel he doesn't have to pay it?

Original poster
hhhhenleyonthames · 11/10/2005 08:00

He thinks he is untrappable. He thinks that they will not be bothered to extradite him from Portugal....

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Original poster
hhhhenleyonthames · 11/10/2005 08:02

He feels he doesnt have to pay it cos I divorced him (for infidelity) so it is my fault that they are fatherless......!

He also says that it is tough, but so be it, and that the children will understand when theyare older.

Unbelievable.

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Original poster
hhhhenleyonthames · 11/10/2005 08:02

As for the money, yes. It is tens of thousands of pounds now.

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kuoni · 11/10/2005 08:03

blimey.
Must have been very stressful living with a man like that. He sounds straight out of an 1980s soap complete with fake tan...

Why do you feel guilty?? He has the funds and is not providing for his children. Not only that but his casual treatment of them is not inconsiderate, it is cruel and quite nasty - that bag of clothes with no contact and no effort to match them up, make them into presents etc is unbelievable. He has been told (I imagine) about the full consequences of his actions if he refuses to attend court. You are required to give accurate info in the court. He is a grown man with his eyes wide open.
Sounds like he has a God complex and doesn?t think anything/anyone can touch him. Maybe a frightener in the courts is what he needs - certainly sounds like he has it coming to him.
As for you feeling guilty - WHY OH WHY OH WHY??!! Don?t think about you or him, think about how he is treating the children. It is wrong, he is breaking the law. You are not in the slightest bit instrumental in this, you are caught up in his behaviour thanks to your link with your children, that is all. Of course you must tell the truth in the courts. His punishment/attendance/consequences of not attending are all down to the courts and him, nothing to do with you.
If they are old enough to talk to, explain to them that you have been asked to speak to the courts, you have to tell the truth, you have asked their father to turn up so that he won?t get into trouble and can do the right thing. If he doesn?t do the right thing, there is nothing anyone can do to help him - he will create his own problem.. I am sure if you explain it carefully they will see that he is calling the shots and making his own mistakes, not you.
Horrible situation - hope he sees sense for all parties and starts to pay up and grovel xxx

Carmenere · 11/10/2005 08:04

He's an arrogant tosser that deserves everything that he's got coming, and I'd imagine that is what the children will realise when they are older!

Original poster
hhhhenleyonthames · 11/10/2005 08:08

Yes; he is a brad pitt look alike tosser. He was lousy in bed and always whinging. I don't know why I feel at all bad about getting back at the bastard.

Think it is to do with thte kids.

I will just have to explain it as and when I have to.

What a dick.

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LadyFioOfTipton · 11/10/2005 08:11

have you spoken to the children about it?
what do they think?

LadyFioOfTipton · 11/10/2005 08:13

I really dont think you need to feel guilty. As for the children, when they are old enough they will understand but I dont it will be in his favour, do you?!

Original poster
hhhhenleyonthames · 11/10/2005 08:15

It is hard to talk about him to the kids without being to extreme in one sense or another.

He has visiting rights which he fought tooth and nail for and has never taken up. I have no address for him and only a mobile phone number.

The last time he spoke on the phone to dd3 (9) the first thing he said was "So why do you never come visit me"?

She then turned to me and said "Mummy, why do you never let me visit Daddy?"

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expatinscotland · 11/10/2005 08:16

How do your kids feel about being completely abandoned by their own father?

Honestly, like Lady Sherlock stated, HE put himself in prison by acting like he's above the law - not you. Gimme a break! 'That's life' that his kids go w/o b/c he can't be arsed?! Huh? That's got to be the most selfish, immature idea I've come across in a long time.

Your children deserve their maintenance. But they need you to get it for them.

Besides, HE doesn't seem to really care what the children think or how they feel.

They haven't seen him in years - what's another two whilst he's banged up in the slammer? They probably won't even notice. Except when they finally get the child support they flippin' deserved in the first place!

LadyFioOfTipton · 11/10/2005 08:17

do they get upset about not seeing him?

what aboiut the two older girls? do they ever mention it?

He sounds likea complete control freak, infact he is so much like my own dad it is untrue

expatinscotland · 11/10/2005 08:18

And I hope you told your 9-year-old that he's welcome to visit Daddy anytime, but Daddy won't give tell you where his house is so it's hard to make arrangements.

Original poster
hhhhenleyonthames · 11/10/2005 08:19

The kids don't want to believe he has abandoned them. They find it easier to make excuses for him (or blame me) than accept the truth. They are desperately hurt by his behavior.

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LadyFioOfTipton · 11/10/2005 08:19

its not all about money either, its about right and wrong and what is honourable

buffytheharpsichordcarrier · 11/10/2005 08:19

it's about consequences isn't it? we do stuff - and as a consequence stuff happens to us. children know and understand that.
Thing is, whatever happens to him is his responsibility. you won't be instrumental in sending him to prison - that is entirely, 100% down to him. he's an adult and if he chooses to behave like a prick, well so be it.
you have a responsibility to try and provide for your children and that is what you should do. actually you would be doing him a favour. sounds like a spoiled brat.

expatinscotland · 11/10/2005 08:20

Quite naturally, henley. Have they seen a counsellor? I'd make sure I brought it up in court that I couldn't even afford to take the kids to counselling about their dad's abandonment.

Original poster
hhhhenleyonthames · 11/10/2005 08:21

And, for a final slug of irony, he used to work in the Prison service....

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LadyFioOfTipton · 11/10/2005 08:22

they will realise what he is like though eventually

hatstand · 11/10/2005 08:26

haven't read all the posts - but you are not ever for one second to blame. society has decidied it should legislate against behaviour like this. If he wants to be a member of society he makes his choices - play by the rules or go to jail. He is sending himself to jail by his appalling behaviour.

Carmenere · 11/10/2005 08:29

As I see it one of the vital factors in this case is your children's sense of self-worth. I believe that in cases like these the children can begin to assume that they are somehow not worth their fathers love, attention or money. Obviously this is not the case but if he goes to prison at least in a way it will be an outside official body saying that yes these kids are important enough for us to enforce the law.

Original poster
hhhhenleyonthames · 11/10/2005 08:32

What a very good point,Carmenere. In fact, I am ggglimpopo and this is how I know so much on the subject and could reply to your posting about your dp.......

hhhenley is my posh name.

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LadyFioOfTipton · 11/10/2005 08:32

I agree with Carmenere

Original poster
hhhhenleyonthames · 11/10/2005 08:33

And if he paid up I could have a cleaning lady and be able to spend longer on mumsnet and not have to tear myself away now to skivvy like a mad 'un.

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