How would you feel about this? (long, bemoaning rant)

[hhhhenleyonthames]

My beloved xh has not paid a single penny of child support for coming up to four years (four children). He has a couple of flats in the Algarve (apparently - he has been boasting to friends and has photos etc etc), drives a new 4x4 beast, has a top of the range bmw motorbike for fun and has given up work. He has a trust fund that is embedded in some family finances and is hard to track down.

He lives in Portugal and holidays in the UK and Greece. He is engaged to be married to a Portuguese woman (rumour has it htat they have a child) and he has a besotted doctor's wife in hot pursuit after him in the UK, as well as a string of young and not so young floozies that my friends have seen him with....

He has not seen the kids for four years. He recently dropped off a big bag of kids clothes when passing through town on his big bike en route to the UK, but did not ask to see the kids. The clothes were various sizes and some of the children got lots and others next to nothing.

The French authorities are very hot on child support and when I filled in my tax returns and put zero under income from xh, the wheels started turning.

We have now arrived at the point where it is going to come to court. He has said that he will not under any circumstances pay 'eh, tough, that's life....' and that he will not come to France to negotiate with the judge or for the hearing.

This means that he will carry the mandatory prison term of up to two years. I will have to give evidence against him in court.

Why the hell do I feel guilty? And how will the children feel about me being instrumental in sending their father to prison?

HOT, my Father was remiss in paying maintenance to my mother and once was sent to jail for a night (Britsih court system, he was warned sooo many times)...he always wanted to see us and had joint custody, so he was v hands on in that way but had a new wife and they were both rubbish with money, even though they earnt good money it was spent v quickly (holidays/nights out/clothes)...he too blamed my Mother but I never did (I was about 13), I knew and know what my Father is like with money...please don't feel guilty, you shouldn't have to carry the financial burden of bringing up children alone and one day your children will understand. Poor them, it must be far easier to assume it's your fault than the truth...that their father is an arrogant and selfish man.

I thought as much

My mum had to take my dad to court to get maintenance for my sister and I as in his opinion we didn't need it (I was 16, sis was 14), it wouldn't have ended in prison (although I think that might have been the kick up the backside he needed). Just wanted to say that I always supported my mums actions and I'm sure when your los are old enough to understand it all that they will too.

Their dads attitude must be very hard for them, I have finally rebuilt a relationship with my dad over the past 10 years (I'm now 38), but it took some counselling for me and my sis hasn't managed to forgive him.

If you do get the dosh, it might be worth considering some sort of counselling for the kids, I think my sis and I would both have benefited from it at the time had it been available even though our mum was amazing, as I am sure you are!

Good luck whatever the outcome.

Your children will always be behind you, whatever happens - YOU are the stable influence in their lives and they're old enough to understand that...
He may "charm" them into thinking what he wants them to think from time to time - but they can make up their own minds about him I'm sure and form their own decisions - you are not "the bad one" and never will be and your children appreciate that.

Coming from a divorced background, all I can say is that it took me a long time to see sense. My mother left my father, she took me out of school one day and that was that! She told me many many lies about him and turned me against him. But when I became a little older and a little wiser I realised that the man I used to see occasionally didn't fit the beast that my mum was describing. I now know everything that happened between them, and have made my own mind up on many other things. It does hurt when one of your parents seems to go all out to hurt you, but I have stopped making excuses for her, I am now 33! But I'm not saying that it will take your kids that long! They are lucky, they got to stay with the one who truly loved them, for them the healing will come much faster.

By all means take him to court, the children will understand, they might not do now, but ultimately it will be a better lesson for them than letting him get away with his behaviour. They already know how much you have been through, don't back down now. They might be too young yet, but they will support you when they are older, I guarantee that.

And just when did you change your name?