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Original poster

Am I in the wrong?

30 replies

mieow · 17/08/2003 08:45

Yesterday we were at the ball pool when I went to get some sweets. While I was gone DD1 pushed a little boy over, DH was in the toliet with my neice when the mum said something along the lines of "if you don't stop that i'll........" DH flew into a rage and shouted at her, DD1 has CP and delovopmental delays.
I returned and the lady came up to me and said sorry, explained what had happened and asked what was wrong with DD1. She said sorry so many times and even brought the kids all some sweets afterwards, so she must have felt awful, but DH wasn't prepare to accept her aplonises (SP??) and today it has caused any argument as he still think I was wrong to accept her sorrys.
Am I in the wrong?

OP posts:
colette · 17/08/2003 08:53

I think it was good she apologised- sounds like she may have overdone it. Your Dh may be annoyed because of her asking what was wrong with Dd. I don't think that was relevant , Hope you make up soon

codswallop · 17/08/2003 08:54

I think Dh has overreacted. What else could she do? She probably bitterly regrets her behaviour and I bet you DD1 doesnt even remember.

misdee · 17/08/2003 08:55

i dunno my dear. the lady did apoliguise profusely didnt she, but at the same time your dh is very protective of the kids. i remember him flying into a rage on holiday because someone was taking the pee out of your son.

SoupDragon · 17/08/2003 09:07

Personally, I think your DH was in the wrong. Should this woman have been able to tell that your DD has SNs? (genuine question! I don't know how "obvious" it would be to someone who doesn't have any experience). This woman apologised profusely, bought sweets to apologise and was probably mortified.

I would also have told off any child who pushed over one of mine (although always more along the lines of a calm "That's not a very nice thing to do" and removing my child from the situation rather than any real telling off IYSWIM). I would be embarrassed to learn that I had told off a child who had SNs who didn't understand what they'd done. People make mistakes but surely that's OK if it's unintentional and they've apologised sincerely afterwards? And if they've learnt from their mistake - maybe this woman will think twice next time.

misdee · 17/08/2003 09:38

i think that someone is wrong to tell someone elses kids off anyway. i always think they should seek out the parents to get them to deal with the situation. i'd go mad if anyone else told my kids off (apart from mieow, she's allowed to tell them off)
mieows dd1, her problems are apparent, the way she walks is a clear indicator that something is wrong. (sorry mieow), at least the lady apolaguised she could have walked away and said, thats no excuse kinda thing.
hard knowing what to do isnt it.

SoupDragon · 17/08/2003 09:58

The only kids I would "tell off" in the genuine sense are those of close friends where I've known them from birth.

Sounds like this woman should have at least had an inkling that Mieow's DD had SNs. I still think that she did apologise though and that should have been the end of it. As Coddy said, I bet all the children concerned have forgotten it now, it's just the adults who seethe about stuff and keep turning it over in their minds isn't it?.

Out of interest, would my "That's not a very nice thing to do" have elicited the same response from your DH, Mieow?

katierocket · 17/08/2003 11:02

I was in a situation at one of those wacky warehouse places where an older child was kicking and pushing some younger toddlers. In this case I did say to him " please stop doing that, it's not fair" the mother was nowhere to be seen and he had been doing it for about 10 mins when I intervened. To be honest me saying to him "please stop" was an instinctive reaction to his behaviour.

mieow - I can understand how protective DH must be but I do think it sounds like this woman was genuinely apologetic and I agree that when an apology is well intentioned that it's best to accept it and move on.

Original poster
mieow · 17/08/2003 16:01

I was willing to forgive and forget, but DH still thinks that she was wrong and I was wrong to accept her sorrys. I think I would be very mortified if I told off a child with SNs that wasn't mine. DD1 looks like a normal child until she walks or talks, she has CP,PVL(brain damage) delopvemental delays, high frequency hearing loss, eye sight problems and Speech difficulties.
The lady said sorry to DD1 even though I had told her that DD1 wouldn't understand.
I believe she was very sorry for what she did but DH will never forgive her.

OP posts:
Original poster
mieow · 17/08/2003 16:03

And like my mum said "its harder to say sorry" she could have just ignore us after that but she came up and said sorry to me as well

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 17/08/2003 16:33

I agree, your dh was IMO. The women said sorry and I think he should have accepted the apology and forgotten about it. I would tell someone else's kids off if their behaviour was affecting my son, but in a very low key "no thank you, please don't hit" sort of way. I think that's fair enough and I'd expect anyone else to (politely) do the same to my ds if he was misbehaving and I wasn't there.

aloha · 17/08/2003 19:48

A group of five year olds started on my ds when he was about 18months at a One O'Clock Club, all saying things like, 'Go away. You are a poo-face. You stink.' and I didn't hesitate to say, "That's a very mean thing to say to a baby. I don't think nice boys should say horrible things to babies." I not in the least bit sorry I said it, and actually the mother of one of the boys came up and said, "Were they being mean?" and I said, actually, yes they were, and she apologised. I didn't bear a grudge against her nor she against me. I would be equally quick to try to intervene if I saw someone else's child being bullied or hurt by other children, but then I believe that as long as adults are looking out for children then we will live in a better, safer world. Would your dh have gone so ballistic if the woman had simply said, "Please don't do that'? I think he was being naturally defensive about your daughter, but what's the point of carrying a grudge about something so minor when the woman was clearly very upset and embarrassed? Mind you, you probably won't change his mind about it so best to let it drop probably.

SofiaAmes · 17/08/2003 20:37

Could I be a little controversial here ....If your dd1 has developmental problems such that she pushes other children over and can't be expected to understand that that is wrong, shouldn't she be watched at all times when she is playing with other children. I'm not condoning the reaction of the other mother, but perhaps your dh needs to rethink his behavior. He shouldn't have left dd1 alone in the first place and raging at another parent for their inappropriate behavior given his neglect, is just being just as badly behaved as they are.

misdee · 17/08/2003 21:07

mieows dd1 may have some problems but have u ever tried keeping an eye consistantly on kids in those places? it has 2 floors, loads of kids running around, and there was 4 kids in mieows care that day (one of them was mine). i dont think her dh was being negletful at all, i wouldnt want anyone telling my kids off except me or whoever is looking after them one day. if she didnt have problems and was pushing kids over would u moan at the parents for not keeping an eye on their kids?
mieows dd1 does undertand when she has done something wrong, she just wouldnt understand a lady saying sorry to her.

aloha · 17/08/2003 21:15

I don't know... don't think I would leave my child unsupervised in a ball pool sn or not... mind you, I don't think pushing over is that big a deal either in places like that. It seems a bit of a storm in a teacup if you don't mind me saying so. Nobody did anything that bad, surely?

tamum · 17/08/2003 21:20

Well it sounds as though Mieow's dh's only alternative was to let his niece wet herself, so it seems very harsh to criticise him like that.

SofiaAmes · 17/08/2003 21:31

The point I was trying to make was exactly that. Their dd pushed a child over. A mother over reacted. Mieow's dh over reacted. The mother apologized. Mieow's dh should have apologized as well, as his behavior was just as inappropriate for the occasion. And then that should have been the end of it. Misdee, of course, I don't expect them to keep an eye on their children 100% of the time. I was making suggestions that seemed in line with the extremes that Mieow's husband seems to think the whole thing warranted.

aloha · 17/08/2003 21:32

Yes, it is true and I do admit it is difficult when you have several children to look after. There was no harm done to anyone though. I think you are right mieow, but I don't expect your dh to back down - he's a man!

misdee · 17/08/2003 21:36

yeah i would've shouted at mieows dh if my dd1 had come home wet (she is mieows neice).

Original poster
mieow · 17/08/2003 22:41

I am not going to expect him to back down, he's subbon(sp?) The woman admitted she overreacted and apologized. I accepted her sorrys but him being a man didn't. And from what I can make out the woman did actual treaten to hit DD1

OP posts:
bloss · 18/08/2003 06:20

Message withdrawn

tigermoth · 18/08/2003 08:35

can I just ask, how old is your dd1 ,mieow and how old was the child who was knocked over? was there a big age gap and were both children within the 'right' age range for the ball pit? Probably yes I would imagine. I've got a story to post about something similar ( much to do with ages) but will do so later.

I think overall that your dh has overreacted as the woman said sorry so profusely. I assume your dh thinks her aplogies were genuine? BTW I can get a feel irrationally angry if someone tells of my children without coming to me first. But it really depends on other things too. If the woman hadn't apologised then I can see your dh's point. Not a black and white situation anyway.

SoupDragon · 18/08/2003 09:16

I tell other children that their behaviour isn't right for 2 reasons;

  1. so that it's immediate and they can attach the "that's not nice" to the behaviour and
  2. so that my children know that it's wrong and don't think it's OK to do it since no one will tell you off.

Obvously I would haul my own children out and give them a stern talking to but I certainly wouldn't go that far with other children unless I knew them and their parents really well.

Lindy · 18/08/2003 11:04

I really don't have a problem with other people telling my DS off - I would far rather the situation was dealt with immediately than waiting for me and expecting me to deal with it later - children do need to know immediately if their behaviour is not appropriate.

However, I know this is a minefield and am useless at telling other people's children off myself, usually telling both my DS and the other child off, even if it is clear that the other child is doing the misbehaving.

I do think Mieow's DH is over-reacting but how is the situation still dragging on? Are you likely to see the other mother again or is he really cross with Mieow for accepting the apology (what exactly did he expect you to say in reply to her apology then?). It takes guts to apologise and even if you are seething inside the best thing is always to accept gracefully.

lou33 · 18/08/2003 11:16

I can understand your dh getting cross mieow, mine would do the same, and so would I probably, but I'm not actually sure either of us would accept her apology if she had threatened to hit one of mine. SN or not this is totally unacceptable. I think I would be inclined to accept her apologies if that part hadn't happened though.

Hope this doesn't start everyone shouting at me now!

alterego · 18/08/2003 11:28

I will tell other children to stop doing something if it's obviously causing harm - ie hitting or throwing things. If you keep it low key it doesn't have to seem like telling off. And it needs to be done if the parents haven't noticed.