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Original poster

How long does it take for a new area to feel like home?

36 replies

oliveoil · 13/09/2005 15:05

I moved to where I live now in 2002 and have ups and downs but still feel like it is temporary and that we can move somewhere nice eventually. But that is not going to happen (for lots of reasons but mainly money).

I am a positive can-do sort of person, and have joined mum and toddler groups and met some nice people, but mainly to chat to, not really friends as such. I try and look on the positive but some days think 'ffs what a shit dump'.

Dh says I need to stop moaning and get on with it, and I sort of agree. But cant stop moaning.

How long does it take to feel at home?

OP posts:
acnebride · 13/09/2005 15:09

I think it does vary. i never felt that much at home when i lived in a very blank suburb of southampton -well, maybe that's not fair - i was very happy there, just had no local friends, but no kids either.

i am v lucky with where i live now and felt to some extent at home within six months due to large number of friendly parents around. after two years i still feel a bit new though. volunteering to clerk for the local school governors really helped because i made an investment in the school so felt like i had to try and improve it so that ds would enjoy it, rather than wanting to move because it wasn't much good.

it's grim not feeling comfortable where you live. does your dh really like it or is he just aware that there's no money to move and wishes there were?

Fio2 · 13/09/2005 15:12

liuved here 16 months still feels a bit odd and dont really feel settled yet

Original poster
oliveoil · 13/09/2005 15:13

We moved here because house prices were cheaper than the lovely area we did live in, which meant I could work p/time (would die if I had to work f/time). Also MIL is round the corner and looks after dd1 and dd2, no childcare costs! And she is fab.

So on paper it is the best place. BUT all my friends live far away, there is nothing to do, no shops (Asda!), no decent bars, restaurants, delis etc etc etc.

Dh says that we wouldn't be in the bars etc as we now have children but I wouldn't feel like I lived in a desert then!

OP posts:
dropinthe · 13/09/2005 15:13

Know how you feel OO!

Original poster
oliveoil · 13/09/2005 15:14

Reading this back I sound like a whining cow, but I really do not feel settled. Don't want to do any work on the house as I keep saying 'but we might move' etc.

OP posts:
sharklet · 13/09/2005 15:14

Hi Olive,

I think it depends on the area but mainly it depends on you. If you hae it in your mind its not forever then it might feel temporary forever. If that makes sense. I can empathise because we moved a year ago out here to the village we're in, and I know we aren't going to be here for long. DH is in the US Armed forces, so we're only based in the UK for a certain amount of time. IN many ways I can't settle for good, but I have to put it to one side and throw myself into gettig the best life we can here while we are here and enjoy what there is to do here in the UK and here in our village while we have the chance.

I've found its best to put out of my mind that we're leaving sometime - that way it does make me feel more reserved about my freindships and stuff. If I do think about it with my new freinds here we think about what it will be like for them to visit wherever we will be.

Its hard but in was way your DH is right about getting on with it, but needs to be a bit more tactful.

HTH in some way.

Emma xx

Fio2 · 13/09/2005 15:14

dont think i am being cheeky... but do you have any friends in your new area? and have you made an effort to go to the dreaded M&T groups in that area etc?

sharklet · 13/09/2005 15:16

I know what you mean about no bars and delis and the like - I miss the west end sooo much sometimes - but I know I wouldn't have the life I used to have there as I am not footloose and fanct free anymore. Its not the same with kids in tow. I know I do look back on it with rose tinted glasses too - there was a time I was sickto death of it!

Grass is always greener ;)

Original poster
oliveoil · 13/09/2005 15:17

Yes, I have joined a toddler group (read my post ) but I only see them at the group, not any other time.

OP posts:
Original poster
oliveoil · 13/09/2005 15:18

rose tinted specs! Think you have it there. Maybe I am imagining that I would be lolling out on the pub green with my girls! HA!

How do I change my thinking then to accepting that this is where I am staying?

OP posts:
teeavee · 13/09/2005 15:40

One way might be to organise a trip to IKEA or somewhere and buy a few things for the house, or paint a wall or two! It might help put your 'mark' on the place...
Also, try and do more nice things for yourself, so you feel that your personal development isn't 'on hold', IYKWIM. Such as a pottery/drawing class, taking up a new sport perhaps (I don;t know whether you have time) or monthly outings with friends?
I know exactly how you feel - we have moved 3 times in 3 years(!) and I live abroad - but in muy experience it doesn't take much to help you fell better - a chance encounter or new, fresh activity could do you the world of good.
Hope this makes sense to you....

Original poster
oliveoil · 13/09/2005 15:47

I know. But I stupidly go on websites looking at houses in my old area and torture myself.

OP posts:
Fio2 · 13/09/2005 15:50

why dont you start organising to meet the mums from the toddler group on other days? i know i would have gone mad if I didnt see people who lived 'close' iykwim. plus the girls will be going to school local and it is always nice to get to know epople and mums who will be at the school gates who can oick up for you etc...... go on invite one round for a cuppa you know you want to

Original poster
oliveoil · 13/09/2005 15:53

They all arrange nights out but don't invite me (sob), don't want to barge in going HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOO, they have all known each other from school. Sigh.

Will try and think positive.

Do you live in a dump as well Fio2?

OP posts:
teeavee · 13/09/2005 15:53

it will take an effort from yourself - don't go on those websites! Find out nice things about your new area - there must be some!

Original poster
oliveoil · 13/09/2005 15:54

There is a park. Erm.................good schools..........erm.......hmmmmmm

OP posts:
Twiglett · 13/09/2005 15:57

it takes time and lots of effort to change people to chat to into friends .. have you invited them round for lunch / dinner / outings etc

once you have good friends nearby anywhere can feel like home

Mirage · 13/09/2005 20:06

I can sympathise.I moved away from the village I'd been bought up in & bought a lovely big house with loads of period features,which I loved.The downside was,that it wasn't in a very nice area.We have since moved to a village 1 mile away from where I was born & it is a gorgeous location,with a lovely pub,cricket pitch,schools ect,but the house is a nondescript box & does not feel like its 'mine'.I see my old house at least twice a week & still miss it,I can recall all the small details I loved so much,the fireplaces,tiled floors ,high ceilings ect,but I wouldn't move back given the choice.

I'm hoping that once all the renovation work is done here,it will feel more like 'home'.

Lonelymum · 13/09/2005 20:22

The last place we lived in, we moved there in 2000 and were forced to move from it in Feb this year, so we were there just under 5 years in all. We always knew it was likely to be temporary as jobs are insecure and it wasn't our preferred location, but even so, I realised how much I felt it was home when we were suddenly forced to move!So in my case, the feeling of being at home only occurred when it was no longer our home!

Hopefully, it won't take so long for me to realise this time!

Tortington · 14/09/2005 04:53

the irony is ha ha i felt homesick for the shithole that is the place you live - for three years. mainly because of friends and family - i make a trip up once ever 6 - 8 weeks - any chance you poppin down manchester road for a good ol piss up with yer mates - they are not that far away.

SueW · 14/09/2005 05:34

We've been here since 1998 and it still doesn't feel like home. I don't get that 'it's so nice to be back' wraparound fuzzy warm feeling when I come back to this house from my holidays like I did with the old place.

We bought it as our 'house for life' - we could afford to buy the size of house we anticipated ending up in - so it's not because it's 'temporary'. But the disadvantage of a large house it's provied almost impossible to get it to the stage where it is decorated exactly as I'd choose because of the cost. And we've discovered that whilst we used to agree ocmpletely on colours and furnishings, we don't agree at all now.

ghosty · 14/09/2005 05:54

As most of you know I have lived in NZ for 3.5 years (left my family for a new life etc etc).
To me, it isn't where you live that makes a place home, but who you live with, who you see and what you make of it. I grew up moving all the time and so we as a family had to rely on tge family being home rather than the bricks and mortar in which the family lived.
I call England home although I didn't grow up there (but my family live there). I call my parents house home although it is the 4th house they have lived in since I left 'home' and I have never lived there.
I call my house now 'home' as this is where my husband and children live with me.
When I went 'home' to the UK this year we had a fantastic time, but after about 4 weeks I was 'homesick' for my NZ home. When we were landing at Auckland airport I felt quite down as I knew that no one would be there to meet us (unlike the reception we had at Heathrow) but as we came out of baggage reclaim my wonderful friend was standing there with 'welcome home' balloons to pick us up. She is English too you see and she knew how I would feel coming back.

I have to say that the place we moved to last year (where I am now) is the place I definitely want to stay for a long time. For the first time I feel really settled. All the other places I have lived in the last 15 years or so have felt 'temporary' even if I thought they were permanent. You do have to 'get on with it' like your DH says ... but I wouldn't have said it so bluntly.

This is a ramble ... sorry ... but I wanted to tell you Oliveoil, that I know how you feel and how I have had to deal with constant rehoming for most of my life.

HTH a bit

bobbybob · 14/09/2005 06:05

NZ felt like home as soon as we had ds.

tatt · 14/09/2005 06:32

we moved that long ago and I don't plan to stay in this house forever so I know how you feel. However the more time you spend on the net the less time you will be putting in to making friends where you live. breaking into established friendship groups isn't easy. You do need to invite people back, organise a barbecue at your home, go down the pub (some pubs let children in ) - or join something. I haven't done it myself yet, been too busy doing up the house, but I know I won't feel at home here until I do. Your husband needs to stop moaning, recognise that you need to do these things and he can help! He can invite his friends and their partners around, mind the kids while you go to an aerobics class or something and take you out when MIL has them.

Fio2 · 14/09/2005 08:36

do you live ina dump aswell fio2? hahahahahahaha