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desperatley seeking help

45 replies

soppysocks · 06/08/2003 20:36

can anybody help me. ive had a long distance relationship for a year, never been happier, but he has got a female friend where he lives who he had a relationship with 2 years ago. we went through a bad patch and he went back to her and finished with me. 8 weeks later he came back to me telling me he had made the biggest mistake ever. i took him back. can or will i ever be able to trust him knowing that they are still friends?

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codswallop · 06/08/2003 20:38

AAH the old chestnut - can men and women still be friends?

Do you think you could forbid him contact with her as a basis for your reunion?

soppysocks · 06/08/2003 20:43

ive already tried that one. but with no joy. ive told him either me or her. he wont choose so i ended it, but he wont give up on me.

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codswallop · 06/08/2003 20:44

Id bin him

codswallop · 06/08/2003 20:45

If you arent the most important person in his life then why should you sacrifice your dignity for him?

Kazziegirl · 06/08/2003 20:45

Sounds like she has got a hold over him which is always dodgy ground. If it were me I'm not sure I would be able to trust him if she was still around.

soppysocks · 06/08/2003 20:49

exactly, which explains why i finished with him. i love him so much but had to do it. now he is constantly sending flowers calling texting e-mailing me . asking me to move down south with him. one minute im strong the next im in emotional turmoil

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soppysocks · 06/08/2003 20:51

i agree with you Kazziegirl, but we have been through so much together, never argued, even when he came clean about his infidelity.

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Kazziegirl · 06/08/2003 20:55

If you love him that much, maybe he's worth another chance but warn him it will take time for you to trust him again and that this is his last chance. He may have learnt by his mistake. I have to say though that I can't understand why he's not willing to end his friendship with this woman over having a relationship with you

Chinchilla · 06/08/2003 20:55

At least he finished with you rather than having you both at the same time, without either of you knowing. A lot of men would do that. He sounds sincere to me. You say that you have never been happier, so why question it? Why don't you move in with him if you love him, and then you will know how close they are.

soppysocks · 06/08/2003 20:58

Me either, him and his kids and her and her kids have known each other for a few years. i think thats why im trying so hard to forget about her. it all seems such a big mess.

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soppysocks · 06/08/2003 21:00

No Chinchilla, he was seeing us at the same time, but claims it was a mistake with her. i want to believe there is nothing more but how can i when he lives in southend and im in manchester. i wish i hated him but i dont.

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Tortington · 07/08/2003 16:59

as you are so far away cant you tell him of a "male friend" of yours - maybe someone you met online ..an ex partner of a mumsnetter who lives nearby - he only want a shoulder to cry on now and again, who is great company in his absence. you sometimes meet for coffee - he helps you with some computer advice.........see what i am saying!

whats sauce for the goose hun ..

Boe · 07/08/2003 17:15

Not sure on this one - think it is extremely hard when you have a 'history' with someone and have cheated to be with the person you have the history with.

I don't know if I could deal with her always being around and knowing what went on - as for the two timing being a mistake???

If you thnk he is worth the upheavel inyour life go for it - but I think moving a long way away and then things go wrong could leave you in a very lonely position.

At the end of the day - do what you think is going to make you happy, only do this after you have written doen all of the consequences of your move not working though.

Sorry - glad I am not in your position and I do hope that you get it together - I am not that trusting so I admire you for that.

eefs · 07/08/2003 17:28

you are not going to know what he get#s up to during the week when he's living so far away - do you trust him?

Why can't he move to be with you? If you move you'll be staking a lot on the relationship (home, job, friends) and this will put added pressure on it esp if it takes you a while to settle during which time you will be quite dependant on him.

To be honest i wouldn't give up a friend for DP because he didn't trust me - we have actually been in that situation (jealous DP, close friend who is also an ex). I compromised and only saw him in DP's company for a while, things back to normal now but I'm glad I didn't give up my friend. I don't think him being friends with her is the issue, but whether you trust him or not. If you don't then I can't see a future and you would be best trying to break the ties now. If you trust him then there should be no problem with him being friends with her.

soppysocks · 08/08/2003 00:28

thanks you guys for your help. im still finding it hard though.
i have got a male friend who i was with a few years ago, he treats the kids as his own so i can understand why my fella wont give up his friendship, its just sometimes it feels that he cares for her more than me. maybe i need to learn t trust to make things work. as for him moving in, ive asked him and he claims hes not sure because of the area - not much to do here!!!
ive asked him to move in for a short time , maybe a year or so to solidify our rel, then we can all move down there but i think he isnt seeing my point at all. he is too selfish. on top of all this my 8 yr old daughter had a seizure, never had one before, so now im worried sick about her too. Any help on this one please?

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ForestFly · 08/08/2003 00:40

I actually believe after my shitty time (just split up with man) that know matter how well you get along, know matter how much you love them, know matter how special it is, if you're questioning things like this, you shouldn't be. Perhaps theres a man out there that will move in with you, not make you feel insecure, give you the love you need to feel confident in a relationship. I realise your really happy with him now but is he honestly good enough for you?

Kazziegirl · 08/08/2003 07:57

Hi Soppysocks
Think you are being too hard on yourself - you don't need to learn to trust. You did trust him and he let you down. He needs to show you that he is trustworthy but it seems to me that he's not willing to do that by moving to be with you for a short time. Sorry to hear about your daughter - has he been supportive to you? Hope things improve for you soon. Thinking of you.

soppysocks · 08/08/2003 14:43

hi Kazziegirl
hope you ok. today is gonna be the big test for him its a year today since we first met. up to now ive not heard anything from him since wednesday. ive gotta be strong and realise that when hes not here im on my own, so i can survive without him. i just wish he would let go of me. As for my daughter the hospital said it was probably a 1 off. hopefully it will be. thanks for your kind words. x

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soppysocks · 08/08/2003 14:47

hi forestfly
im sorry to hear about you splitting up with your fella. how do you feel? are you coping ok? i hope so. i can understand what you are saying about my fella not being good enough for me and ive gotta find the strength to get on with MY life.

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soppysocks · 08/08/2003 14:51

hi eefs
ive tried my hardest to believe nothing will happen with him and her again but something is telling me just to let go. ive got a male friend who comes to see me and has been in the children lives for nearly 3 years so i can understand why he wont give up his friendship with her. its just really hard and if it was going to work out with me and him it should not be so damn difficult.

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Rhubarb · 08/08/2003 14:59

My feeling is that you should go with your gut instinct on this one. It's all very well sending you flowers and text messages, anyone can do that, but he seems to shy away from actual commitment. If he moved to Manchester he would have to break off contact with her, so maybe that is why he has refused? Maybe he sees her as back-up in case things go wrong? I wonder what she makes of all this? Surely she must be sick of him blowing hot and cold too?

I wouldn't trust this man. I know how much it must hurt to let go though, but just think of it as a lucky escape. If you did move down there and things went wrong, where would you go? And your children, how would they cope with such an upheaval? There are better men out there, believe me. Just try to enjoy yourself for now, arrange a girly night out, sign up for a night class for Sept, get out and about doing things and you'll find men clawing at your door! If he truly loved you he wouldn't be putting you through this. Do something nice for yourself this weekend!

soppysocks · 08/08/2003 15:09

Rhubarb, you got me sat here crying now. i know what you are saying is so so true but i love this guy so much. its killing me. i dont wanna go out and meet other guys or go on a girly night i just cant at the moment.

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Rhubarb · 08/08/2003 17:38

Ok, it's gonna hurt like hell for a while. They say it's a bit like a bereavement. You've had this image in your head of a new romance, a possible new father figure for your kids, a relationship that has so much promise. You've probably made plans and had so many fantasies in your head of the kind of life you would lead together. Losing that is profound. Take time to grieve for that fantasy life that you have lost. It would definitely help if you had no contact with him, although that won't be easy.

We can all say that you will find someone else, that it is better to learn these things now rather than later, but it is of little comfort to you right now. Answer me this though, do you think you needed him to be happy? Do you not think it possible to be happy without him? When you were apart, were all your thoughts focused on him and what you would do when you were together again? What I'm suggesting is that maybe you were in love with the idea of him, rather than the man himself. That he failed to live up to your expectations is a huge blow to you. What you need to do now is to focus on yourself for a while. List all the positives in your life, such as your children, etc, to remind yourself of what you do have. Ask your friends for any positive comments on your character. Remind yourself of what a wonderful person you are. You might not feel much like talking to anyone or going anywhere, but believe me, once you have made that effort you will find that it is better than you anticipated.

You've made the first step. You've already acknowledged to yourself that it is over. Allow yourself to feel sorrow, anger, resentment, etc. Just don't let those emotions swallow you up. Call old friends to chat to, treat your children to the cinema or something. Get a book so that when you are by yourself you have something to focus on. You will start to feel better, it'll be a tough few days but you will come out of this a better, stronger person.

soppysocks · 08/08/2003 21:30

thanks Rhubarb. in answer to yur questions yeah i did think aout him all the time we were apart. i did think about our lives together but he has shown me that he is scared of commitment. before we got back together he asked me to get engaged to him, and that we will all go on holiday (me, my kids, him and his kids) ive not met his children yet as they live with their mum in Leister. Which was another big issue. why hadnt he let me meet hs children yet? he says that when he has his kids he IS selfish and wants to keep them to himself. that is questionable.

I talked to his mum on the phone and she told me that he has not been home for quite a few days.i spoke to him on wed and asked where he had been , why he hadnt been home.(knowing that he wasnt at work either) He told me that he just drove about and slept in his car because he couldnt be bothered going home.his mum also informed me that his kids told her they were going on holiday with him and this other woman and her kids. to the exact same place that he said we would be going.She didnt know that he had promised to take me aswell. She also told me that this other woman (lets call her Lassie- thats a good name for a dog!!) does not like him at all and is just using their friendship to get money out of him. But he is infactuated by her even though he knows she is a cow and is using him. He has also been spotted stalking her, sat outside her house or pub she has gone to. he just sits there in his car waiting. his mum told me to ignore his calls etc then he will realise just what a wonderful thing he has lost. and if he wants to put up with being treated like dirt then its his call.

It just seems that he wants something when he hasnt got it and when he got it he dont want it. When he asked me to get back with him i was with another guy. i dumped him for another chance to make things right. now it seems he was full of broken promises and bull.

i feel so stupid to hae been taken in by him yet again, and also guilty for dumping this guy when he had done nothing wrong.
What i havnt mentioned is that he works all over the country, it jus seems that when he is up in manchester its then that he wants to know me. Also it is a year today since we got together and he tried calling but i was out. he didnt leave a message. Im sorry for bugging you with all this but im glad that i can talk to somebody about it all.

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sykes · 08/08/2003 21:34

What a good post, Rhubarb. Think it applies to a lot of us, unfortunately, going through breakups for other reasons. You have dreadful days/weeks/months. This week was awful, but I managed it. Hope others do and have an okay w/end. FireFly - are you there? Hope your w/end isn't too awful. I'll e-mail you, if that's okay.