Getting 'dirty looks' - I don't get it!

[PrettyCandles]

I'm always hearing (or reading on threads) that people have got 'dirty looks' or unpleasant comments for breastfeeding in public/bottlefeeding in public/using reins on a child/getting the potty out in public and so on and so forth - all the ordinary activities of parenting that sometimes have to be carried out in public. Yet, AFAIAA, I have never been on the receiving end of any of these looks or comments. Am I just oblivious, or do I live in a politer part of the world (London! ha ha ha)? Do 'the public' really care what you do? Considering the number of times I've found lost toddlers among a crowd of oblivious people, I find it difficult to believe that people are really aware of what others are doing.

I think in London people are too busy to care what you are doing to be honest, so long as you are not standing on the left hand side of the escalator! (I do live in London by the way!)

My feeling is that Londoners are more tolerant of others' behaviour, full stop!

you do know that this will (may?) now become a london vs rest of country debate??

Probably should say city-dwellers rather than Londoners ...

I've had people stop and gawp, and tut. The biggest gawpers are teenagers. I've have heads shaken at me and a very occasional direct comment. Usually its more sideways glances though frm adults. But only when out and about with ds1 (severely autistic). I don't really notice them much now.

When out with ds2 and ds3 we've always had nice comments tbh. ds3 is chubby and old ladies in particular seem to like big chubby babies.

Ha.
I live in London and get lots of looks and comments as my DD is not and never has been a "sit and shit" baby.
When i am on a bus, my DD needs constant attention from me or preferably strangers
She will fall asleep at odd angles, which creates lots of comments
Once she some fabric in her mouth from a toy and a lady snatched it away - cue tantrums a plenty

men in particular make comments, all snidey never helpful. The ratio of shite comments to people helping me carry a buggy off a bus is completely wrong.

the public only care if it means criticising.

never had a problem really!
Maybe if are uncomfortable you feel that people are looking?

Actually, when my children were at the breastfeeding/potty training stage I didn't live in London and I don't ever remember receiving any dirty looks either. And normally I'm a self-conscious sort of person (verging on paranoia), so I'm sure I would've noticed

other London wrong ratio: people trying to overtake you when you are getting on the bus with a child with or without buggy to grab those seats you are entitled to versus people helping/letting you on first
but we get lots of good looks on the tube, dd cheers everyone up with cute and conversation

i get 50/50 dillydally.

I get some really helpful things sometimes ie help with buggy, nice comments and was allowed to queue jump the other day when DD was having a huge tantrum, however, this happened to be after i had put reins on her because she kept running off and trying to dismantle an office in the building society we were queueing in - that .behaviour got me lots of tuts and comments. I live in North London

I also get lots of stares when b/feeding. I often b/feed in my car (when parked up of course) which invites alot of nosey people too. Or people deliberately ignore me in places when i b/feed because they dont know how to deal with it (you really cant see anything at all - i dont know what the problem is).

I think (not commenting on Jimjams experiences as they are bound to be different) that a lot of the dirty looks are perceived or imagined by people rather than actually happening.

I've been guilty of this myself - i.e. dd or ds has been tantrumming and I've caught someone's eye all ready to give them a defiant "what are you staring at" look only to be completely disarmed when they have given me a warm sympathetic smile.

However, I did get some 'looks' from a trio of middle aged Middle Englanders at Gatwick at quarter past midnight on Saturday night / Sunday morning. They were evidently appalled that we had been travelling with a 1 yr old and a 3 yr old at such an hour (- it wasn't by choice), shocked that dd had put her hand on the luggage carousel (yes we know she isn't supposed to do that - and we told her off immediately, but we hadn't been able to crystal ball gaze and foresee that she was planning to do it)...so studied and intense was their gaze that I loudly instructed dh to take a bow for his audience.

Mostly though, I maintain, that dirty looks are in people's minds. You are more likely to imagine a dirty look if you yourself are stressed or uncomfortable about something.

Btw had to lol at the concept of Londoners being
more tolerant - snort!

Nope - disagree hmc - i think you have been lucky is all.

B/feeding invokes alot of over reactions from people IME. Either the lengths they go to avoid/ignore you or staring/looks.

I have actually had some snooty stranger woman approach me and my DD in a supermarket before to comment on another womans badly behaving child just in front and the fact she couldnt speak yet at 18 months because all her kids could say mumma dadda at 6 months (yahrite).

It does happen!

(although i have just re-read your post hmc and it says "a lot of..." rather than all, so i still disagree but less vehemently!)

Well maybe I have this kind of 'don't mess with me aura' that puts people off from interfering with me and mine.

I stand by what I say though - simply because I personally have anticipated / imagined dirty looks myself - but when I study the other person's face more intently (as I am preparing to stare them out), I realise that I am misreading them and in fact they are trying to give me a look of empathy / solidarity.

I'm sure that if I misinterpret other people this way, so might other mums who are feeling at that particular moment in time a bit beleaguered and stressed.

This isn't to say I haven't had any bad experiences with other people and their reactions. Just very few.

Dirty looks can be imagined yes
Snidey comments are definitely 100% real

However vickitiredmum - not suggesting for a moment that you are imagining it. Your experiences are your experiences!

Well yes - there can't be any doubting the snidey comments. They are unequivocal!

But I've not had many of those either.

Guess I'm just scary looking

I forgot to mention that I think that we get significan amount of dirty looks for going on the bus with a pram/baggy here in London and it is not my imagination.. I ask those in the wheelchair space to move if they dont voluntarely

i dont think it matters where you live people are always trying to butt in on other peoples business. In particular elderly people.
I live in devon (full to the brim with oldies) and being young parents, im 24 and dp is 27, we are always getting snidey comments about how we should parent our child, like we're waaaaay to young to know.
the worst of them are the ones that start....'Bloody young people today,having kids too early'. Which might i add is sooo annoying when i know my nan was younger than i was when she had her first.

I've had a few - but I'm old enough and ugly enough not to care too much (unless I'm having a bad day anyway). Mostly when they've been tantrumming - had a woman threaten to slap ds1's legs once when he was whinging a bit in a shop. I said "I'd like to see you try," with a very sweet smile on my face.

Most bizarre one was a woman in the waiting room at the doctor's, when ds1 was about 6 months old. It was a really hot day - he was dressed in a vest, in his pram, parasol up, sun hat on, - and I'd gone to the doctor's because I had an appointment. For about 5 minutes she held forth about how she would "never take a baby out on a hot day like this...not good for them the heat...makes them ill...they don't like it...better off indoors in the cool...very dangerous for them to overheat..."

Presumably she though I should have left him home alone instead.

Marthamoo! You reminded me of a story a friend once told me happened to her. She was in Iceland and her DS who was about 18-24mths old kept pulling on this ladies coat. She told him not to (not that it was doing any harm) but he carried on until this lady turned round and smacked his hand and told him off .

My friend totally lost it (quite rightly) but unfortunately went a bit too far and pushed the lady into one of the big open freezers!

It was my friend however, that was escorted off the premises by the store manager for assualting the lady - ok to assault the toddler though i guess......

My only experience has only been with another mum on a bus.
My dd was 4 months old and in a large lay down pram so as she could sleep peacefully, i had been waiting for 30mins for a bus as the previous one had had a wheelchair on it and i was not about to try and get onto that bus and having to fold my buggy up, but it was nearing her feed time by the time the next bus turned up and i just had to get on it. there were two young mothers (yes im only 18 and they were probably older than me but anyway) had their 2/3 yr olds in umbrella folding pushchairs. i asked politely if they could possibly take the kiddies out (who were perfectly able of sitting on their own seats, which there were free on the bus) and fold the buggies up so i could put the pram in the wheelchair spot so as not to disturb the baby. they both said flately 'no we were here first' so as i NEEDED to get home on that bus, the bus had to sit for 10 mins while i got a stranger to hold my baby (which i wasn't best impressed about) so i could fold my pram up, which doesn't make much difference to it's size so it had to be left in the gangway in everybodys way while i tried to hold onto a bar and my baby and stay safely on the seat. AND THEN: two bus stops down the road (the stops being all of 100m away from each other) the to women got off the bus!!! needless to say i was fuming esp. when the bus driver then wouldn't wait for me to put my buggy back up and put the baby in so i spent the whole journey scared sh*tless that my baby would be hurt if the bus crashed because i had no way of protecting her when i was trying to hold on!

So even some mums (who should know better) are bloody inconsiderate!!!!!!!

Maybe one of those ladies with the buggies was the one who barged past me with her buggy and SHOVED me out the way when I was 8 months pg and on crutches getting on a tube train.

She proceded to run over my hugely swollen feet with the buggy wheels repeatedly through the journey as i think she was p*sed at the fact that (for a change) a bloke had got up and offered me his seat and not her.

At the end of the journey (probably made worse with those big fat pg hormones) i offered to lump her one if she didnt pack it in. Not big or clever i know but i was soooooooooooooooooooo angry

DD three got me a muttered 'bloody kids' by having a tantrum in the doorway of M&S last week. From an old lady!!

Was feeling a bit hot and bothered so said "Suppose you were never one (a kid) then, you old witch!"