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Getting 'dirty looks' - I don't get it!

52 replies

PrettyCandles · 06/09/2005 15:34

I'm always hearing (or reading on threads) that people have got 'dirty looks' or unpleasant comments for breastfeeding in public/bottlefeeding in public/using reins on a child/getting the potty out in public and so on and so forth - all the ordinary activities of parenting that sometimes have to be carried out in public. Yet, AFAIAA, I have never been on the receiving end of any of these looks or comments. Am I just oblivious, or do I live in a politer part of the world (London! ha ha ha)? Do 'the public' really care what you do? Considering the number of times I've found lost toddlers among a crowd of oblivious people, I find it difficult to believe that people are really aware of what others are doing.

OP posts:
Passionflower · 06/09/2005 18:32

Now I think of it, also got a dirty look from an old man when DD2 refused to get dressed after a swimming lesson. She was thrwing a full on tantrum in the buff.

I ask you, it's not my faut some nutter decided mixed changing rooms were a good idea!

coppertop · 06/09/2005 18:38

The dirty looks don't really bother me that much anymore but they are definitely real. Some people also tut loudly to make sure I get the message. Some make direct comments. Worst of all are the ones who make the comments through ds1 and ds2 - "You're far too big to be in that pushchair, aren't you?" or "Perhaps if Mummy spoke to you a little more you might get the hang of it." etc etc.

Some passers-by can be lovely of course. I'm still forever grateful to the woman who managed to stop a screaming ds1 (5) from running straight across a 2nd busy road when he flipped out a few weeks ago.

Twiglett · 06/09/2005 18:59

I think it depends on whether you honestly believe that other people understand the pain that a parent goes through when a child misbehaves in public

I automatically think that anyone around me is thinking 'glad its not me' or 'I remember that stage' or 'poor parent' so I assume the looks I get are well-intentioned and invariably they are

I also believed that the looks I got when bf in public were all of the 'aah' variety

maybe just maybe in many cases it can be the recipients interpretation or automatic defence system that is to blame .. I think its better to go through life believing that others are nice

Enid · 06/09/2005 19:06

I think loads of people on here are paranoid actually and I always think half the nasty comments are exaggerated or made up!

I know it happens occasionally - but I am grown up enough to realise that not everyone in the whole world thinks everything I and my kids do is wonderful .

Twiglett · 06/09/2005 19:11

or you could put it that way .... snurk Enid

Jimjams · 06/09/2005 19:19

It's the nice comments that make me cry though. Few of those- where someone is watching then they come over and say something nice.

vickitiredmum · 06/09/2005 20:39

Indeed Enid - paranoid people can be very disbelieving of other peoples honesty cant they......

nikkie · 06/09/2005 22:04

When I was pregnant 6months and looking preg, I went to Italy, spent a week getting fussed over spoikt , special meals made at the hotel
, arrived back at Manchester and had to stand on the bus for 20 mins as nooone would move!

Wallace · 06/09/2005 22:09

I have an amazing number of people coming up to me to tell me how wonderfully good ds and dd are seriously though it is sooo lovely when it happens

Miaou · 06/09/2005 22:56

Don't know about the city v country debate, but I sometimes think I get less in the way of dirty looks/criticism up her (highlands) than I did when I lived in Yorksire. I breastfeed ds in church - could never have got away with that in Yorks! The community up here seems alot more child oriented though, imo.

hunkermunker · 06/09/2005 23:10

I usually get dirty looks for giving dirty looks...pmsl!

No, I think often people are very sensitive about what they are doing, be it feeding method or whatever, and they misinterpret the way people look at them.

christie1 · 07/09/2005 02:51

I have had angels like the lady at a bank who brought out balloons for my kids as I waited to get something done, exhausted from no sleep with a newborn and 2 frantic toddlers and, my worst moment, the lolly lady who chased me through a mall screaming at me because my daughter tripped and splattered a bit of her lolly on the ladys pants. I was tired, stressed, sleepless and carrying a newborn and a 18 month old at the time. I threw some money at her and told her she was a very horrid woman and to leave me alone. It takes all kinds I guess. I just try to make sure that I am always the bank lady and not the lolly lady. He keeps me in check.

NotQuiteCockney · 07/09/2005 06:57

I had a woman tell DS1 not to pee on a tree in the street! He was on his own (briefly, I was coming right behind) and we were in a city without public loos.

I do agree about the dirty looks being somewhat in the eye of the beholder. And if some of us are deludedly not seeing dirty looks, and maybe not even hearing the snide remarks, what harm does that do?

It probably also helps that I am decidedly scary-looking, and foreign-sounding.

merglemergle · 07/09/2005 07:50

No dirty looks re breastfeeding-although I was once offered £1 and a cornish pasty by a nice Sally Army lady (I was sat on the steps of our local opera house, with bags strewn around me. However, having just been shopping for dp's birthday, the bags were filled with books and organic vegetables-don't think she could see this).

Never had looks while bf but get a lot of old ladies (and occ men) coming up to dd to stroke her cheek, etc, entirely unfased at what she is doing. And there is no way they don't know, I've never mastered being discrete.

I've had a lot of problems on the bus with the Phil & Ted's. It always looks like there is just one child in this HUGE pushchair, plus he is at an age (2) where I would tend fold the buggy and get him out if it was just him.

But it is fun when people say "why dont you fold the pushchair" to say "well then I'd squash the baby".

merryberry · 07/09/2005 08:24

i'vehad quite a few supportive nods/smiles and comments bf in public so far (8 weeks only). and one negative froma new cafe near me which asked if i would mind not feeding? i asked if it was ok to bottlefeed - they said sure. I smiled sweetly and used a line i learnt here: 'oh dear - that's discrimination - can you afford the legal battle?'

though i know there is not yet any law on my side, they don't know that, nor that i'm underemployed enough to take it on for real...so i've been back to BF and told a couple of local mums to join in as well:-)

got to get ds to passport office during feedtime today. think i might be bf on the bus for the first time...wish me luck.

Twiglett · 07/09/2005 08:36

if I'm not mistaken merryberry the law is on your side in this

handlemecarefully · 07/09/2005 08:39

Excellent merryberry! Brilliant response.

morningpaper · 07/09/2005 08:40

I am always in a world of my own, usually merrily singing Fimbles songs with dd, and I honestly don't think I would notice if I had a crowd of people pointing at me...

harpsichordcarrier · 07/09/2005 08:58

just reminded me - I was walking through a shopping centre last week and saw a woman bf her baby - I gave her my best supportive smile but think I may have overdone it a bit and they obviously thought I was just a deranged lunatic and looked quite scared actually.

handlemecarefully · 07/09/2005 09:06

lol!

Prettybird · 07/09/2005 09:13

I'm with PrettyCandles - maybe I was just oblivious, but I never noticed any "dirty" looks while I was breast feeding, or if ds was having a wee tantrum (not that he did that often, as he is of course a wee angel! !). Nor did I notice anyone "looking" at us (dirty or otherwise) when ds was on reins.

This was in Glasgow and around the West of Scotland, and aven across to Edinburgh plus on holiday in Greece and South Africa. I breast fed for a year too. I never asked if I could breast feed, I just went ahead and did it discretely.

Enid · 07/09/2005 09:17

I think I'd find supportive nods and smiles just as irritating as cutting comments - I am a truly horrible person

mummyhill · 07/09/2005 10:07

Easter last year DD threw a tantrum over an easter egg (huge one with a £20 price tag on it). I stepped away from her and told her that when she calmed down I would be happy to talk to her when a well meaning elderly lady told me to stop being cruel and give the child what she wanted. She was quite shocked when I said that I was not in tyhe habit of spoiling my child but if she could afford to spend £20 on an easter egg she was welcome to get it for her!

Twiglett · 07/09/2005 11:14

Enid .. I like you

arabella2 · 07/09/2005 11:51

Some horrid old lady (not horrid because old) got annoyed with me because ds (3) was in her way (for a moment) as she was trying to get into Sainsbury's and said something along the lines of could I "look after him" muttered. I loudly said "I AM LOOKING AFTER HIM" but should have said something else as she had the nerve to push (not roughly but even so) him aside with her walking stick. Horrid woman. Another man (again somewhere between middle age and old age - not saying this is a trend as other older people have been nice) stopped pointedly on the pavement because ds (walking) and dd (in buggy) and I were temporarily stopped in the middle of it. Not that he could not have walked round us. So I didn't move and stared pointedly back. Otherwise can't remember any looks or comments but wouldn't say that Londoners (where I live) are particularly friendly - just disinterested.