My Dad says he's not coming to my wedding - anyone else had this?

[DissLocated]

It's because he invited some of his friends without consulting me. We have a guest list for the day time of 85 for a room which can hold 70 at most so are faced with pruning guest list.

I've told Dad 4 of the 8 friends he invited won't be able to come (still welcome to ceremony and evening do)as they are his friends rather than mine, I have met them but don't know them.

He has flipped and said I am deliberatly humiliating him (wtf?) and he's not coming to the wedding.

I'm not desperately upset, but feel more weary about dealing with another Dad tantrum yet again and highly resentful of being forced into the adult to his child role.

I'm sure this is pretty standard wedding related argument stuff but my Dad is the most stubborn man on earth. He had a similar falling out with his parents over their Golden Wedding celebration it ended with him not speaking to them and refused to make it up even when they were both terminally ill. They died without him ever speaking to them again.

Anybody else had a similar experience or got a similarly pig-headed, sulky, controlling parent?

Sorry - can't get my head round this at all.
Not sure what advice to give but feel you should not be bullied into giving in by your own father - how absurd!
I would stand my ground but be calm on the issue.
Good luck, you have my sympathy!

Did he invite them before you sent out invites?

What a pig, sorry but he is, where does your Mother stand on all of this.??

Yep - sounds a bit like my mum. When i said we were looking to arrange our wedding (got engaged 8 years ago.....) she said about who would be invited and then preceded to tell me who i had to invite out of her friends (some of whom i hadnt met before!). I couldnt be bothered with the hassle and argument and needless to say wedding has been shelved for the forseeable.... (not just because of that but it put a whole dampner on the thing to think i was going to have upset and battles or have to tiptoe around my mum for the whole thing).

im sorry i dont have any advice for you but i really do sympathise. Bet your dad thinks the whole world is against him too huh!

I think his non-attendance should be celebrated!
Unless of course, he is paying......
I had to be very strict with my Mother (for same reasons, venue for ceremony was v small)and she didn't like it, but just stressed it was my day..not hers!
Stick to your guns and let him have his tantrums, just concentrate on your big day, bet it will be fab!

My father wouldn't come to nmy wedding, allegedly because it would be "too painful" (due to insensitive choice of location by me, related to my mother not my father... ). Of course not that at all, just couldn't face it, seeing my mother and her family etc. He didn't have a tantrum at all, more of a martyr thing. I felt slightly peeved, in that I suppose you always hope that your father will overcome his own issues to be able to help you celebrate your own big day (not bankrolled by him at all I might add...), but there we are. Thought about a change of venue for about a gigasecond, then decided against it. Actually, made everything much easier, as I didn't have a father sitting in the background feeling over sensitive that no-one was paying him enough attention. BTW, he is re-married etc (unlike my mother), but he will always be the victim of any situation. I have no advice, just do whatever it takes to make sure you have the best day possible for you. If you can't do it without your father being there, then I suppose you have to try and make it work somehow. If, like me, you are (secretly?!) releived that he is out of the proceedings, then let him lie in the bed that he has made himself! Really hope you sort it out and have a fab day!

We haven't sent the invites out yet, he's phoned them and told them they're coming, made arrangments etc so he's effectively decided half my guest list for me (and left my cousin off it, strangely enough)

Mum is in bits about it, she thinks he's being unreasonable and is trying to talk him round but I'm not sure how much success she will have.

I do feel like he's bullying me which is why I'm not giving in.

VTM - if we can't resolve this we are going to cancel the big do and get 2 of our friends as witnesses at the local registry office!

my dad always plays the 'poor me' card but is so so self-centred and never ever thinks of anyone elses feelings. We had a huge row and a 'talk' after my ds was born because i was just too shattered to put up with his behaviour and gave him what for! he swore to change and that he was mis-understood...hasn't changed a bit! reverted back to type after a few weeks! sorry, imo theres not a lot of hope 'can't teach old dog new tricks!' i respect him as my father but don't like him much as a person. spell out to him how he's being inconsiderate, tell him the position with guest numbers,if he won't listen write a letter then leave it at that! (by the way though, is he footing the bill for any of this? is that why he feels he has the right to make few invites?)

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Good point Cod

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Agree Cod - The 4 we are keeping on the guest list I've known for donkey's years (one is making the cake). The other 4 I've only ever met a handful of times.

He's not paying for the venue but is paying for travel and accommodation for some members of our family who can't afford it (my family are from the North West, the wedding is in East Anglia).

I sent Dad an e-mail on Sunday explaining our position, no reply yet though.

VTM - just re-read your comment about feeling the world is against him. According to Mum he said that this is 'another kick in the teeth life has given him'!

Parents are shits some of the time - hope we are better!

Selfish git who is throwing his toys out of the pram. If he is paying it is fair for him to have some say in the invitations - but after consultation with you. It's his own fault for inviting and not asking you - he will now feel very stupid. If he doesn't come around then it is his loss and will regret not coming - have a fab day if he comes or not.

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Exactly same situation with our wedding Diss, although much less horrible parent - PILs invited 10 people, tho mostly well known to dh, without telling us. We gave in and changed entire venue etc as I felt in this case it was the first wedding of any of their children and they had just got overexcited. They promptly invited another 20... and had the cheek to say 'oh they'll be so disappointed' when we said we couldn't fit in nos. 21 and 22!

I don't think there is any good answer TBH. You could decide to rejig the entire wedding for him if you feel you would like to, but I wouldn't bet anything on him not coming up with some other group of friends, or some other major problem, that either causes you stress or means that he 'just can't bear' to come.

It sounds as if you don't really mind him not being there, so I would say that I think you have done exactly the right thing and that he is being ludicrous.

NB if he's not going to be there, are his friends going to come anyway??

NB given the number of people who don't turn up to weddings even though invited and accepted (or maybe that's just my weddings ) I wouldn't worry about pruning the list. Only IMO.

Sounds very familiar DL.

My dp keeps offering "a quick slash n dash" wedding as its the cheaper option especially since we'd end up p**sing my mum off wharever we do.

Is this a generation thing Diss? He should definitely consult you, but I do know when my parents got married the culture was very much that it was the parents' day, and my parents were each allowed to invite 5 friends. And I suppose if parents are paying for it, then it's reasonable for them to invite some of their friends. When my ds and dd (hopefully) get married, there are people who I would definitely want to invite, because of either roles they've played in my children's life or in my life. At our wedding my parents had about 10 friends, but we got married a long way from where they lived, so it wasn't too much of an issue, as not many friends would drive 300 miles for the wedding of a friend's child!

Hope you sort it out - it is your day, and I hope you enjoy it!

HM - Exactly what I thought, his mistake for inviting before having a chat with us about numbers!

He has 'told' you he has phoned them has he? If one was to be invited to a wedding one would usually expect it to be a formal invitation (not that I did that) - perhaps when you send out invites you could write a pleasant note to the uninvited 4, inviting them, as you mentioned, to the church and the evening do - but not the sit-down meal; then its up to them. If they have any sense or consideration they will be aware of your father's presumptuousness, possibly slightly disappointed but grateful for an invite and mature enough to make up their own minds. Whatever happens - as everybody has echoed here, it is your day - maybe your dad does want to puff himself up with pride and walk with you on his arm - but he should be proud to do that anyway without any of his friends looking on. If he can't appreciate what he has got and wish for the best for you - so be it, he'll have to stay at home and play his childish game whilst you go about growing up. Every good wish.

Have you thought of suggesting to your Dad that if he wants more people to come, you will need to book a bigger room and therefore could he kindly make up the price difference, as the only reason you're booking the bigger room is for his friends to come?

Or will it not work that way with the venue?

It might be a generational thing but I don't know why he can't talk about it sensibly like a normal person instead of getting into grand gestures and playing the martyr.

Hi5 I'm sure he has invited them. He rang round the family (at my request) to find out who would be prepared to travel so that I could plan numbers. I've had a few comments from family about my cousin not being asked (I've put that right now) so I now he's definately spoken to people. He just added on all his mates without telling me!

In my e-mail on Sunday I offered to call the 4 myself to explain so that Dad doesn't have to do it and I've offered to pay for them to go on a river cruise in Norwich while we have the meal so I'll just have to see what response I get.

Caligula - we're having everything at the same venue, ceremoney, meal and evening do. The registrar etc is booked so we can't really change it.

If I let him, Dad would pay for the whole thing but we don't want that as we're more finacially secure than he is and I'd feel bad about it. He would also take over completely if it was being done on his £.

The main thing though is I don't want to be bullied into changing our plans.

DissLocated, you're right in that he is approaching it all the wrong way, and not sorting it out maturely, but i do think it's reasonable for him to want to invite some of his friends. Unless of course you're paying for the whole thing, in which case, it is entirely up to your discretion and he's totally out of order inviting people! I do think he should have consulted first.

I'm so sorry to hear your Dad is spoiling your day like this. My Dh's dad didn't come to our wedding either. But he didn't have the decency to tell us he wasn't coming. Dh's parents broke up when he was 2 and they haven't seen each other since then - so it would have been really hard for him, especially as the reception was at his Mum's place in her garden. But Dh was gutted and was looking out for him all day.

I really hope we can behave better when we are older. All I can say is don't let it ruin your day. Its his loss not yours.

Hope you have a wonderful wedding.

Emma xx