It's that time of day

[mistyblue]

Anyone else get to this time of day and can't take it anymore.Still waiting for dh to get in so i can say right they are all yours.He said he would be in at 6.30,still no sign.Ds and dd are running around like mad things and doing everything they can to annoy me.

Already today they have drawn over walls and furniture,ds covered dd in muck from the garden all in her hair,chucked muck all over the kitchen floor and all over the patio.Drenched the patio and made mud pies.I go to stop one of them playing up and the other one is getting into mischeif as soon as my back is turned.

You get to the point where you want to run out the door and I know it's an awful thing to say but their voices just go through you when they are playing up and you just want to scream.

Where do they get that burst of energy from at the end of the day?

And to top it all of i suspect dh has popped to the pub after work to unwind.Agghhhhhhhhhhhh

Message withdrawn

When he is not drunk Charliecat he is fine.We have normal agruements but nothing mentally abusive like when he is drunk.
He is a great dad and the kids adore him.

I just can't forget the things he says they are so awful and he does'nt now what he has said the next day but it stays with me.
He will go to the pub at least 4 times a week every week not always getting really drunk.
Then I get the promises it won't happen again he is fine for a few days then it starts all over again.
I feel i am getting somewhere in overcoming my anxiety and then he does this again and i am right back to square one.

I know this can't continue but don't know what to do.Do i try and talk to his mum again he may listen to her or is that selfish of me upsetting his mum with all this.I know dh would never forgive me if i did that.

Thanks Charliecat-Night x

Thanks Rickman,I have confided in her before but am wary she will think I can't cope with the children.Had bad experience with my HV and am worried they will think I am cracking up.

Dh had said he would get me sectioned an there is no way I would get the children if we split up.
This all sounds like it is happening to someone else.When I read this back tommorrow and dh is all sorry again I will probably think I over reacted.Until the next time!!

Message withdrawn

Thanks Rickman for replying .
I have told him he would'nt get the kids but he says it is well documentated that I am mad.
I have told him before how much it hurts me when he questions my sanity and my abilty to look after the children and that I will not stand for it ever again.But he just keeps on doing it,I am starting to believe it myself.

As for the house FIL bought it for ds,his first grandchild and is in trust for him when he gets older so as a SAHM with no money and nowhere to go I am stuck.I have my sisters,my parents died a few years back,but my sisters have worries and grandchildren of their own now.

mistyblue,I know it's early for you but just hoping your meeting with your therapist goes ok. Rickman's right-she's there to help you so be honest with her.
Your dh sounds like an insensitive selfish so and so.

Morning everyone-Great start to the day.The kids are playing up already and DH has just gone to work in a huff because he slept in and came down all moody slamming around and of course blamed me for him sleeping in.I said me and the kids had slept in as well this morning til 7.45 and i was busy seeing to them.
He said nothing else no sorry just went out saying I've got to go to work now and slammed the door leaving me feeling like sh*t.

I rang and left a message for my therapist and cancelled again.I know I should have seen her today but I could'nt face it I am a mess and wondering how I am going to get through the day.
He has turned this around again and left for work making me feel it is my fault he stayed out late last night and got drunk and overslept.
I just feel all panicky again.
My therapist has rung to talk to me and she left a message,I could'nt answer the phone I can't handle talking to her as I know I will burst out crying and I can't do that I have got to hold it together for the kids sake.
My sister rang the other night and I could'nt even return her call as she worries so much about me and I don't want her to get upset whn she hears what a state I am in.

Mistyblue, this is just an amateur opinion and I'm sure your therapist would have a better handle on this but it sounds to me like you need to stand up to him for your own self esteem. He is definitely a bully and like all bullies should be faced down.

Don't bother with his mum, she is not going to want to hear bad things (she probably knows hes less than perfect). You can find the strenght within to improve your life. You don't sound mad to me and the chances are you won't to a health professional, after all cbt is hardly the same as being sectioned.

You are trying to rebuild your life after pnd and panic attacks, that's a tricky thing to do but it sounds to me like you are getting there, and without any support, which makes it even more of an achievment. Be proud of yourself.

Your DH sounds like a total twat however i suspect that all our dh's could sound like twats occasionally. Do you see a (happy)future for yourself with him? If so, you need to have a long talk with him when he's sober about how to manage both of your lives. If not you need to have a long talk with him about how you are going to manage your childrens lives.

Finally as a short tem solution would it be possible for you to take up an activity or a class one evening a week. That way you could have some me time and he would have to come home to mind the kids?

Oh and lastly, you mentioned where do the kids get their energy in the evenings. I find that if I avoid feeding my dd any processed foods or anything with sugar I have a much calmer evening, could that help?

Anyway, unload to the therapist, get it all off your chest and believe that you have lots of resources within to deal with all the shit that life throws at you. take care x

Ring your therapist and unload on her fgs, it will help you get out of this mess, it's much worse for your kids to be so stressed

Message withdrawn

Ring the therapist!
SHE IS THERE TO HELP YOU FOR GOD'S SAKE!!! I'M GOING TO HARASS YOU UNTIL YOU ANSWER.
YOU ARE NOT GETTING ANY NEARER TO DEALING WITH THE SITUATION BY BRUSHING IT ALL UNDER A CARPET!!

(Deliberate capitals.)

Is this an NHS therapist,MB? If so,unless you co-operate,she may just move further on down her list.Resources are too scarce to be misused. Sorry to sound harsh,but by cancelling the appointment,you have wasted her time,
Please phone!!

Message withdrawn

I'm off for a swim,but I'll be back to check!!

(Be warned!)

Thanks Carmenere and Rickman-I know I should ring her but I just feel she is trying to help me with the anxiety and this is more mariage problems and although it is linked to me becoming more anxious I feel it's not really her problem.

I had thought about doing something in the evenings maybe a class at college but at the moment my confidence is dented and not sure I could handle it.

I have tried to talk to DH when he is sober but he promises things then a few days pass and he goes back to his old ways.
I have been with him 13 years and he has always been a drinker and have had many bad times because of it ,silly me thought once we had children things would change.We waited 9 years before we had them and he was older so i thought he would be different.
I can't get over all the past stuff and things he has done and said.How do you do that?

As for the future I don't know.You hear of people say they have stayed and put up with things in a marriage they would'nt normally for the kids sake.
I have told him during arguements I want a divorce and he has said get on the net and orgainise it then,or can't you even do that.
But then hints at him having the children and using his parents money to take the kids.He says if I want to play that game then I will see what will happen when the courts intervene.
This is all said when he is drunk but don't they say people tell the truth when drunk.

Message withdrawn

Moondog and Rickman-I have just rung the therapists office and she is out at the moment and I don't have her mobile number.

I will try again later.
She is a NHS therapist and I know I am very lucky to have her,she is very understanding. She knows I get myself into these panics and then can't face anyone or talk to anyone.

I have put up with this for so long but I just feel exhausted most days and it has become the norm.Although the other night when he was going on at me and would'nt stop I scratched myself all down my arm as I could'nt stand him getting at me any longer.This is the first time I have done this and tells me I am coming to the end of my tether with this.

Rickman-It is so true about being treated with respect in front of the children.I often say to him ds will learn how to treat women by learning from you and that I don't want him thinking this is how you do it.
I try to keep it all together when the children are around and put on a brave face then fall apart when they are in bed.It's exhausting being 2 different all the time.Putting on a front for family etc.

I keep giving DH ultimatumns but he knows I probably won't leave as I have nowhere to go.
He did say the other night if we split up he would rather see the children one day a week without me being there.

Message withdrawn

To be honest I am not sure I would want to stay in this house.I am sure his parents would never let that happen as his father bought it.
It is a lovely 4 bed detached house as DH always reminds me and says I am ungratful.But as I say to him does that mean I have to stay here and put up with his ways because of the house.
He likes to remind me I was brought up in a council house and he would'nt want his children being brought up in one!!!!
I don't care about the house I am not malicious and I don't want the house I just want a "normal" whatever that is,upbringing for my children.

Hi Mistyblue - I've never posted on mumsnet before but your message touched me. As someone whose life has been affected by alcohol, it really sounds to me like your husband has a serious drinking problem. The fact that he is making promises he cannot keep, intending to come home and them staying in the pub until closing time all point to him having no control over his alcohol consumption. He is also not remembering events and what he has said. This is called a "blackout" - another indicator that he has a serious problem. I cannot say that he is an alcoholic because that's a label that only your husband can give himself but he certainly sounds like one to me.

If he is, there is nothing you can do for him unless he wants to stop drinking. He is focussing on your mental health problems to avoid looking at his own. You are doing something about your problems and good for you for trying to contact your therapist this morning. Don't isolate yourself - you need healthy people around you. There is an organisation called Al-anon where you can find support for yourself. It's for families and friends whose lives are being affected by another person's drinking. You can find them on the internet at www.al-anon.alateen.org/english.html

Only you can decide whether you want to be with your husband Mistyblue, but if you are worried about your husband's threats about custody of the children, I find it hard to believe that any court would award him custody of your children while he is drinking the way he is.

Keep your chin up and keep talking to people.

Thanks Lydiasmum for your kind words.
DH has said before he is an alcoholic but only when drunk.He holds down a job during the day and can go weeekends without drinking at all.
He would probably say it is more a social thing,he was brought up with parents who held dinner parties and still do with lots of drink involved in a social setting.I always feel the boring one when we visit them as I don't really drink.

He probably thinks he was brought up in that kind of atmosphere and to admit that was wrong would be slagging off his parents which he would never do.He would rather slag me off and blame me than admit that.

It doesn't sound like a social thing to me Mistyblue. You don't have to drink every day for it to be a problem. It isn't how much or how often that is the issue. It's the effect that alcohol has on the person. When someone intends to be home for 6pm and arrives drunk 5 hours later he's not in control of alcohol. The broken promises, too which I believe he fully intends to keep, also show he is in the grip of a compulsion. I really feel for both of you. With regards to his family and their drinking, lots of people drink heavily but are still in control - it becomes a problem when the person no longer has a choice. The fact that he has admitted he has a problem when drunk says a lot . Could you approach him about it when he hasn't had a drink?

Lydiasmum-I have talked to him about this so many times.Before we had the children and after but lifes stresses happen and he uses this as an excuse to drink again.It can be because of something that has happened at work or at home,if he is celebrating something the list is endless.
It's also the fact that he leaves his mobile phine in the car and I can not get hold of him to find out if he is at the pub or had an accident after work,I just don't know and this adds to my anger and anxiety.It is so irresponsible,he has children and acts like he is 20 again.

The thing I fear most is to look back in years to
come while my children were growing up and remember all these bad times and not the good times I had with the children.It's like he is spoiling this for me,which may sound childish,but I WILL NOT have him do that.I am determined ,it's just getting him to see that I am serious.
Apart from sending him a letter from a solicitor to say I want a divorce to frighten him I don't know any other way.I have tried everything else,it's time for drastic action to make him see what he is doing.

His family are planning a birthday celebration for DH'S mother and FIL is paying for family to stay in a hotel in Seville .
I knew about this a couple of weeks ago but felt unable to do this st the present time.I have difficulty going to the shops with the children sometimes so this would be out of the question.
They plan for us to get a late flight on friday,airport 2 hours away then have the party on saturday and come back sunday lunchtime.
As I said to DH it won't really be a party for children as such and I would have to stay in the hotel room with the children when they are asleep as obviously I would not leave them alone.I suspose his family have'nt thought of that so it seems pointless in us going.Also his parents especially MIL is very critical and gives me no moral or pratical help.
The children are 4 and 2 and at the moment are playing up most of the time which is difficult to deal with at home much more away from home.
Dh e mailed his father and said we would'nt be going as the kids are a handful at the moment and they are probably blaming me now for not going as they know I am having anxiety problems.
Then FIL e mailed back and said he knows they probably are a handful and would Dh like to go on his own.
Now on the one hand of course i don't want him to miss out on his mother's birthday but on the other hand it's like they are saying ok the kids are handful but you come along on your own and leave me behind with the kids to deal with it.
Am I selfish?
Dh then told him he would go without talking to me first and then promised we would go there for christmas this year as well.
Did'nt consult me on this .After numerous visits to in laws MIL always ends up telling ds off and I have to bite my tounge.I am not sure I will be able to do that anymore after everything that has happened.I am made to feel like the one who is doing everything wrong and she just sees the Dh that helps with kids does nappies etc and thinks thats how it is all the time and i have it easy.